Very good for just starting out. Your prologue entertained me, made me laugh. The end, although sad, left me wanting more. Good job! I like your style and your sense of humor.
Here are my thoughts (going down the piece, in order):
1. Your opening line "The two city-states.." didn't put me in the setting. I thought with this piece being fantasy you could make up a word or use a word more geared to the fantasy genre for city-states or perhaps even calling it "lands" then give the description of where the two lands are in relation to one another. Sometimes rearranging paragraphs and sentences is all you need to make it flow better.
2. Your line... "Because of what Aunty Bernice said at our Frederick's wedding." cracked me up. I wasn't expecting it.
3. You repeat "currently" in the second paragraph: "...currently marching towards the overly extravagant palace of the city of Dedæf, currently occupied by the tyrant..."
**It isn't crippling but you have a unique sense of humor and style that I bet you could find another way to say it.
4. Watch your -ly usage (counted 18 adv). Try using stronger verbs and/or the senses instead. For ex:
The ly in this sentence: "Prince Alvas was watching them worriedly"
could be changed to:
"Prince Alvas eyed the advancing mob and sighed. He rubbed his eyes but the image of the dwarves...."
Or whatever. Make it your own.
5. Good timing and very funny:
"a three metre tall humanoid made of rock getting into your city"
6. Spelling.
The "alright" in "they had been alright,.." should be "all right". Editors prefer all right over alright.
7. There are extra words and/or redundancies in the below paragraph. Suggest taking out the words/sentences inside ( ):
"There were a lot of dwarves in the mob, (too). Someone had gotten their hands on some troll beer. No-one knew why or how they made it. Unfortunately, it was strong enough to get trolls drunk, and that easily got anyone else drunk (too). (It barely took any troll beer to get someone drunk.) Unless, of course, that someone was a troll. And trolls have big thirsts. And they're not good at estimating, for example, how much beer they'd need."
**(Also, I thought "they'd need" should be changed to "they needed." or "was needed.")
**(Also, I thought "Someone" in the paragraph should be changed to: "One of the species" since Prince Alvas is trying to be more equal minded and because "someone" makes it a human visual for me.)
8. I thought this sentence: "Gentlemen?" said Alvas, straightening up and turning," made Alvas look like he spun around in a circle.
Suggest taking out "and turning." and/or maybe just writing: "Gentlemen?" said Alvas, standing. "We..."
9.I thought this sentence:
"... They've adjusted this." should be written: "They've adjusted them."
10. Read passive to me:
"The door leading to the antechamber disintegrated. A troll could be seen behind it, cocking the ballista as well as he could."
**Compared to your others, the above sentence read passive. The troll is doing the action of the sentence so perhaps write something like this instead:
"The vague outline of a troll emerged through the dust. The troll cocked a ballista and aimed it...."
**(Also, at this point, I am wondering why Alvas is talking to the troll instead of cowering behind a wall or being protected by his men, especially when the troll is cocking a ballista???)
11. I thought this sentence was also passive: "It was fast, though, and flew into the wall."
Make it read action: "The ballista whizzed by him and flew into the wall, fell out, and hit Alvas on his head."
12. Toward the end of the piece, you use "concussed" again. Suggest finding another word.
13. I liked your ending punchline and that Alvas' last word was "Why?"
From this ending, I am either expecting the story to go back 42 yrs and cover Alvas' three days of rein (explaining how the comment made by Auntie Bernice started the conflict) or perhaps leap into the future 42yrs with a new ruler and how that ruler cleans up the mess.
I think you have much potential as a writer (in both fantasy and comedy) and hope you continue, not only with this story and writing, but also posting on wdc. You have very good timing and an entertaining narrative voice. Thanks for sharing!
Best wishes,
Jane
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