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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jocelynw/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
Review Requests: OFF
154 Public Reviews Given
194 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Varies depending on piece. Some of my reviews are long and detailed; others are short and sweet. I often make notes on paper before I write my reviews.
I'm good at...
Editing. Vocabulary. Grammar.
Favorite Genres
Prose only. If your piece has a good, sensible title, I will review it. Fiction and non-fiction, Articles, essays, opinion, anthropology, history, science, and more
Least Favorite Genres
Poetry, - Novels, they're just too long.
Favorite Item Types
Statics only
I will not review...
Erotica, Zombie, Vampire, fantasy, fan fiction and poetry
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 -2- 3 ... Next
26
26
Review of The Blind Date  
Review by Jocelyn Green
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)

For some reason, I didn't like this one as much as the others. The dialogue seemed quite ordinary and stilted. It didn't succeed in contributing to the creation of lively characters or move the plot ahead in an interesting way. I guess I should have clued in to the plot when the 'woman' said, 'You can call me Amanda.' But I didn't - because it seemed so ordinary for a woman to use a name not her own in such a situation (like we do on online dating sites). You did put in a number of plot clues, too, I see on re-reading, but I didn't 'get' them. Maybe you could make them stronger with more interesting words.

Another suggestion is that you rework the dialog to make the characters come alive. Maybe the two could discuss a controversial issue of interest to them both, in addition to their blind date. Or maybe your characters could use short, reiterative phrases, peculiar to each one, that would make their personalities stand out vividly. For example, Amanda could use a phrase like, "I'm so silly" a couple times and Seth could say, "I hate crowds", which could make Amanda's character a nervous person, and Seth's character a shy person. That's not perfect, but you get the idea.

I hope it's possible to do this with 500 words.

The conclusion was a powerful twist to this dialogue story.

I hope this helped a bit.
Jocelynw
27
27
Review by Jocelyn Green
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This dialogue piece is also a really good read. The author is a master of dialogue. I thoroughly enjoyed the comparison of marriage to a good sandwich, dependent upon the quality of the ingredients.

I noted that the husband seemed to soften at the reassurance of the "I love yous" of his wife. He must have felt quite insecure, as displayed by his jealousy and opposition to being changed (I interpret change as compromise). He didn't seem to mind that his wife had changed for the marriage (or compromised).

I enjoyed the foodie concluding sentences, too. What a good finish.

Write on.
Jocelynw
28
28
Review of The Cave  
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: E | (4.0)
This item is a great read. The writer definitely has the knack for moving a plot along with good dialogue. The superb dialogue also made the characters come alive.
Keep on writing.
Jocelynw
29
29
Review of Learning Chess  
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is the heartfelt story of well-placed hero worship by a boy in a wheelchair who is learning life lessons by playing chess with his 'hero'. I enjoy the metaphor of life and chess.

For the most part this item is well-written, with a couple typos that can easily be found by proofreading.

One suggestion: 'The hugs and tears...' - Combine this sentence idea in some way with the sentence that follows. Otherwise the ideas are redundant.

I loved the conclusion. Well done.
Jocelynw
30
30
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a well-written article about the world-wide fear of Moslem terrorists today, in this case, in France. The article fairly points out that there, indeed, were murders by a member of Al-Qaeda in France, and that searches for suspected Islamists resulted in discoveries of assault rifles and other weaponry, as well as terrorist-related charges.

Due to racial stereotypying and a panicing government, police have also arrested an honest man's innocent son, causing both much heartache. The quotes of the son's father move me.

Jocelynw
31
31
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: E | (4.5)
Once again, you've written a thought-provoking article about the rape of our planet due to greed. This validates my theory about the arrogance of humankind, who believe that they have the entitlement to do whatever they want, wherever they want, taking no consideration for the future or ignoring the power of nature. By this I include the arrogance of humans constructing cities below sea level (New Orleans; nonsensical at best) or nuclear power plants on coastal regions where earthquakes occur frequently (Fukushima; very frightening).

Your article opens our minds to the idea that the good times will not last, and that we would be wise to become accustomed to eating, having, wanting less. (And this is understatement.)

Jocelynw
32
32
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: E | (4.5)
A very well-crafted essay about excessive development, exploitation of the planet's resources, and the inevitable destruction of the planet.

Jocelynw
33
33
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Good pointers on reviewing. A well-written essay for all reviewers. A must-read.
Jocelynw
34
34
Review of Take Out  
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I chose this item randomly, and I love the first part of it. The writer's imagination is wonderful. I loved the sci-fi details and descriptions. Well-written paragraphs and dialogue moved the plot ahead in an exciting way. A great story. I don't think the last part is necessary as a conclusion.
Jocelynw
35
35
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is priceless!
Jocelynw
36
36
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: E | (3.0)
Why I Read This Item: title sounded interesting

Overall Impression: This is an informative article, with good citations, about the decline of religious worship in America. The article flows ahead with good examples and elaborations.

Some Nit-Picky Things: The introductory sentence could be more powerful if reconstructed because it contains 2 contadictory ideas, which confuses the reader as to what will follow. Perhaps your introductory sentence is actually the second sentence. Sometimes that happens: I write my intro paragraph mostly, for mysel,f to decide what I will write about, and then let it sit a day or two, read it later, and I find my intro sentence not at the beginning, but somewhere in the middle. Think about it. I don't know what else to suggest here.

- 'massive' - It seems to me that this word is slang; perhaps you could use another synonym

- Use of numbers - My creative writing course tells me that numbers over 10 need not be spelled out; just write the numbers, 14, 16, etc.

What I Liked: Love those statistics and the example about the baseball player. Your article shows that you enjoy writing, love research, and pay attention to detail..

Keep on writing,
Jocelynw
37
37
Review of Kismet  
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: E | (4.0)
What an interesting read. I really enjoyed your approach toward the dreaded devastation of earth by nuclear war, the people's first glimpse of nuclear winter, and the optimism they felt. Your conclusion was (dare I say) explosive!
Jocelynw
38
38
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: E | (4.5)
Why I chose this item: My interest in other people's online shopping experiences; wanting to compare those with mine.

Overall Impression: This is a well-written essay, with a strong introductory paragraph, examples, elaborations, and paragraphs and content flowing logically from one to the next. The conclusion summarizes the essay well.

Spelling and Grammar: Good

What I liked: I enjoyed the writer's voice and tone. The writer has a smooth, easy style. Important points were placed at the end of sentences where they get the readers' attention.

What I disliked: Can't think of anything.

How it made me feel: The delightful writing style made me feel uplifted, and it gave me knowledge about shopping online.

Keep on writing.
Jocelynw
39
39
Review of Bella  
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: E | (2.5)
Why I Chose This Item: I am interested in helper dogs.

Overall Impression: This isn't writing. This is either stream-of-thought; it is like a casual email to a friend.

Grammar and Spelling: Needs much work. The writer needs to study grammar texts.

What I Liked: The title

What I Disliked: The writing didn't characterize the dog in a memorable way. Better vocabulary and word usage is needed to do this.

How it Made Me Feel: I didn't feel anything.
40
40
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: E | (4.0)
Why I Chose This Item: The title intrigued me.

Overall Impression: a well-written essay about men-women relationships today

Grammar and Spelling: Good

What I liked: The point of view was interesting and well-supported.

What I disliked: can't think of anything

How it made me feel: It made me feel sorry for single people who haven't "procreated" because they miss out on the learning that the the two situations would have given them - thinking they are the centre of the universe seems somewhat limiting.

Jocelynw
41
41
Review of She just fell.  
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Why I chose this item: The title made me curious.

Overall Impression: The story (anecdote?) moves forward with much action. The writer could make it a great short story by introducing the use of metaphors. The characters have been developed by descriptions of the young girl, by the dialogue, and by the inward thoughts of the two females.

Grammar and Spelling: Overall it's quite good. There are a few errors that can be found by reading it over. Beware of comma splices, which are sentences containing a new idea after a comma. Just replace the comma with a period and begin a new sentence.

'She didn't know what was in front of her' - This unclear. It needs rewriting to make its meaning clear.

What I liked: The story moved forward quickly.

What I disliked: 'We got along great until ...' - It would be better to just say what you mean. 'We got along great until the day that Dad went out to by snacks." Also, 'Does he?...' Leave out the ellipsis.
Also, the thinking of the stepmother in saying the child fell down the stairs is faulty. She ought to realize that a fall down a flight of stairs would sustain much bruising and likely other injuries that would be noticed by doctors. You could just have her say that she fell against the table.

How it made me feel: The descriptions of the feelings of the characters were so intense that I felt the pain of the child, the guilt of the stepmother, and the sorrow of the father. I also felt hatred toward the stepmother when she began her verbal abuse and then of course, when she did her worst.
Keep on writing. You have potential,
Jocelynw
42
42
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Why I chose this item: The topic interests me.

Overall impression: A good basic essay on polygyny.

Grammar and Spelling: Good. I like your attention to the detail - using the word polygyny, instead of polygamy.

What I Liked: I liked that you used quotes from the Translation of the Quaran, and then explained them in a logical way. Your points were easy to understand.

What I Disliked: The second-last paragraph about western marriage practices is inappropriate in this essay. It would be fine to include it in an essay comparing Islamic marriage laws with western ones, but your title does not indicate that you were making comparisons.

How it Made Me Feel: For me, it was a good review of the topic.

Keep on writing.
Jocelynw
43
43
Review of A Single Teardrop  
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: E | (3.0)
This poem is very moving. I like the rhyming pattern. You wrote it with great feeling.
Keep on writing.
Jocelynw
44
44
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: E | (3.5)
What an interesting, inspiring essay. The introductory paragraph would be made stronger without the wordiness: repition of 'point of view' and 'read and write'. For the latter, try "slaves were not permitted to be literate" or "to be educated".

A couple of nitpicky things: Titles of books must be italicized and titles of poems must have quotation marks around them.

The body of the essay was exellent in terms of examples and explanations. The concluding sentence was a good summary and was powerful.

Keep on writing.
jocelynw
45
45
Review of I Don't Care!  
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I sure appreciate your point of view.
Keep on writing.
Jocelynw
46
46
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: E | (3.0)
An interesting article about renting versus home ownership.

The item here contained a number of run-on sentences and some typos.

However, it was a good essay about the topic; the introductory paragraph is good and the supporting paragraphs with explanations were written in a way that was easy to comprehend. The concluding paragraph is superb.

Keep on writing
jocelynw
47
47
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: E | (3.5)
I joined WDC a couple of months ago when I was afflicted with a case of writer's block. I am please to report that the condition in now in remission. Thanks to the encouragement and advice of WDC readers and reviewers, I have written some pieces that I submitted for publishment in community magazines, and I am working on several more. Thank you WDC.
jocelynw
48
48
Review of A Shadow of Guilt  
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A very good read. Superb descriptions and word usage moved the plot effectively ahead.

Keep on writing.
jocelynw
49
49
Review of The Game  
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is an interesting story. It needs revision. There are some instances of sentence fragments and inconsistent tense. If you re-read it, you will find them. I felt disappointed with the final sentence. I suggest you write a concluding paragraph, with some definite act of self-empowerment against the mother-in-law.

You have a knack for story-telling, so keep on writing.
Jocelynw
50
50
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
What an interesting story. I enjoyed your mastery of the tone of the narrator. Again, you used dialogue to effectively move the plot forward. The conclusion is good. You certainly have the knack for story-telling.

Keep on writing.
Jocelynw
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