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Review Requests: OFF
154 Public Reviews Given
194 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Varies depending on piece. Some of my reviews are long and detailed; others are short and sweet. I often make notes on paper before I write my reviews.
I'm good at...
Editing. Vocabulary. Grammar.
Favorite Genres
Prose only. If your piece has a good, sensible title, I will review it. Fiction and non-fiction, Articles, essays, opinion, anthropology, history, science, and more
Least Favorite Genres
Poetry, - Novels, they're just too long.
Favorite Item Types
Statics only
I will not review...
Erotica, Zombie, Vampire, fantasy, fan fiction and poetry
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 -3- ... Next
51
51
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I like your story. You used dialogue effectively to move the plot along.

In the paragraph beginning: 'Mom, did you...' - there seems to be a run-on sentence here.

Other than that, it's a nice read, and I especially enjoy the surprise, happy ending.

Keep on writing.
Jocelynw
52
52
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: E | (3.0)
This essay is a good read. Congratulations on discovering your writing voice. My only criticism is that you do your subject an injustice by your conclusion in which you give thanks for the internet. This phrase trivializes your praise of Ms. Chisholm because it is another topic, entirely and weakens your concluding paragraph.

Again, you have a good writing voice.
Jocelynw
53
53
Review of Writing as Art  
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: E | (3.0)
Why I read your item: The title intrigued me.
Overall you have a good writing style, and you have the essay format correct. There are a few grammar issues and word useage problems:

'pleasurable incidence' - correct word is incident

'all art would seem to...' - 'all art seems to' - keep to one tense

'Whereas in music...' - Awkward sentence structure - try 'While in music' ... , 'with writing' is awkward - try 'it is more static in the writing process'

'rigidity what with' is awkward - leave out 'what'

"Yes" - Try using "True", instead

'Consequently', - Try using 'Therefore'

'process, what ...' - the comma is unnecessary

"The same sense of..." - A confusing paragraph - I could not understand what you meant. Try to write the idea with more clarity.

Your 2nd-last paragraph is great writing and your conclusion is excellent.

You're definitely on the right track.

Keep on writing.
Jocelynw
54
54
Review of FRIEND OR FOE  
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: E | (3.5)
Your revised version has a great conclusion. One little detail: "... I am weary..." - the word you want is 'wary' meaning cautious.

Keep on writing.
Jocelynw
55
55
Review of Nah - Not Me  
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: E | (4.0)
A well-written short piece with good grammar throughout. I suggest omitting wordiness/slang/cliche like "but believe me". I already believe you because you wrote the story.

Jocelynw
56
56
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
This could have been a good article if you would have refrained from expletives like, freaking, asshole, and f***.
Jocelynw
57
57
Review of Fade Away  
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi there,
Your revised version sounds much better than the original. The sentences flow interestingly from one to the next.

I only have a few nit-picky things. I stand by my original criticism of the use of ... . In some cases in this story you could have more effect with using the dash instead. In some cases its use is OK. I'll leave you to it to decide which instances.

'to no result' - I suggest with 'no result', or 'with no change'.

'headed towards' - wordy - At the end of this sentence, 'towards' is understood in the word 'headed'.

'not for the life of me' is a cliche. Try to use a more original phrase.

The intro paragraph and the concluding one seem to read much better in this version.

Jocelynw
58
58
Review of Strain  
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
A well-written medical mystery. I love to read these. Humorous conclusion to your story.

Jocelynw
59
59
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: E | (3.5)
A well-written piece with a strong introduction and interesting,supporting content. My suggestion is to work on a more powerful conclusion. The one you wrote doesn't say very much about anything.
Jocelynw
60
60
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
The prologue is intriguing but requires more work.

Try not to begin with a sentence fragment; better still avoid them altogether.
E.g.: Combine your first two sentences.
... window pane is the first thing I see ...

Try to avoid using dot, dot, dot in formal writing. Use commas instead.

(I know I used dot, dot, dot, but this is correct usage of the ellipsis, which is used to indicate a missing series of words.) You likely know that.

Just a suggestion: consider using "it" with a capital I instead of quote. Your call.

Jocelynw
61
61
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: E | (3.0)
This piece is somewhat short considering the seriousness of the topic. Try to add a few more ideas of what women resort to.

Word useage is incorrect in places; eg.: pertaining, perspective. Try to use the dictionary more.

Try to avoid wordiness: e.g.:: on the other hand, take for instance. This clutters without saying anything.

I was confused by the questions. If you are writing to tell me something, the questions are unnecessary.

Your topic of what women resort to in desperate times is of great interest to me. Try to make this an essay with an introductory paragraph, 3 or 4 distinct points and explanations of each, and a summary paragraph to conclude.
62
62
Review of REMEMBER  
Review by Jocelyn Green
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Depicts feelings evoking empathy, using good word choices and descriptions. The word choices and descriptions also inform readers who may not be knowledgeable about the author's world of MPD.
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