Hey Sarah. I am John. I am here to review some of your writing. I am a grammar nazi, just warning you:) I took the whole piece of writing, and submitted it to my handy dandy Word processor. I use Word from Office 2016, and hit the review button. I had to run it through Spell Check, just to make sure I was doing my job. I found a few innocent spelling mistakes, nothing to worry about. I would be sure to do the same in the future. There are also free office word software programs you can use if you don't want the trouble of working with Microsoft products. I sometimes use Open Office and Libre as well.
The first paragraph is a nice introduction to the piece. I think it has good exposition, and sets the tone well. {color:red}"Sitting in a front pew, being comforted by an elderly nun was found two young children." This one sentence seemed to be awkward, and I believe can be rephrased. Perhaps something like, {color:yellow}"Two young children, sitting in a front pew, were being comforted by an elderly nun.". I am picky, as I stated. I think it might flow more easily when reading it. Following that pattern, I suggest dropping the "All" from the {color:red}"All socialites she had been used to seeing as she grew up in her Grandmothers mansion.Of course, you also should put an apostrophe in the "Grandmother's". So, corrected, it might read, {color:yellow}"Socialites she had been used to seeing as she grew up in her Grandmother's mansion."I just let you get a feel for the type of work you might benefit most on this particular piece. Look for little things. Is there a way to make this easier to read? Can you read this out loud and it make sense?
I think you might benefit a lot by working on this again....it is a good read, and I believe has the structure of a great story. I even think you could develop it into a multi-chapter novella or even a novel if you wish. Thank- you for allowing me to read and review your story. Best wishes and keep up the good work.
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