Your story was in first person with a country girl twang. I thought you did a good job with setting details including the factory, how hot it was inside, and the family home. There characters were interesting too. The descriptions from the point of view of the narrator were good. The story had actions but did not have a specific tension or stress. Why is the narrator telling us this story? Is this the time she learned about her boyfriend's death? How did it make her feel? Maybe the story could be developed a bit more regarding the relationship to the narrator and the boy who killed himself. In the song, I felt like the tone was more somber and sad and the tension or sadness is carried through in her actions described in the song and tone. In your story though, the narrator's tone and voice start out one way and then sort act nonchalant about the news.
It also wasn't clear to me why you labeled the story as gothic.
This story is like a character study of a killer ghost while we get to see it in action. I thought the internal dialogue was interesting as the ghost reflects on what it is, how long it has been around.
The story then moves from internal dialogue to an event, the killing of a man that was wooed there by the ghost’s assistant. I thought this was a good transition because it took the story from abstract internal dialogue into an event with action and tension. It made the story have some tension which helped move it along.
We learn the man ended up at the bridge through a sort of flashback that is really the ghost inhabiting the man and going through his memories. I thought this was a clever way to give us some background about the man.
Other details were missing including how and why this ghost has a beautiful woman as an assistant. The ghost seems to not know a lot about itself, so it may be helpful to provide some information as to how it was able to get an assistant.
The ghost also takes the man’s life and we learn a little about his struggle including the scratches but I thought this could be embellished a bit more; maybe more of the man’s struggle or tension about how the ghost was going to take the man’s life. It just seemed so easy for the ghost.
I thought the details of the setting were good also including the smell of perfume and the moonlight.
I thought it would be helpful to give more setting details earlier in the story. For example, where they are exactly, what the temperature is like, the time of day. I know some of this gets revealed later but I thought it would be nice to have these details a bit further up.
You did a good job with the conflict in the story. First it was being tied to the post and then it is amplified by having the zombies come to attack.
It seemed like there was a flash back that began with: “’We had no idea anyone was still living here,’ the one named Rick had said, his hands poised in the air.” I thought the starting point and indication of the flashback was a big jarring. Maybe starting the chapter at an earlier point in time like when the two men meet the woman and she is point the gun at them would eliminate the flashback.
I thought this sentence was confusing because of the dialogue and construction: "There you go," Satisfied the cop isn't going to off himself next to him, Daryl leans his head back against the beam he's tied to, once again focusing his attention on freeing his wrists.
I thought this was a good description: a low gurgling moan latches onto the tepid night breeze
It seemed like there were a few tense changes between present and past tense. I don’t know if that was supposed to be the signal to me that we were in the flashback or not.
The POV switches between Rick, Daryl, and the woman. It might make more sense to stick to one characters head for a chapter.
I did not follow this sentence: She flips over, feral kicks meeting pliable surface as it finds her fleshy inner thigh.
At one point the weather is described as oppressively hot. I felt like this conflicted with the tepid breeze mentioned earlier.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.20 seconds at 7:39am on May 18, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
