I love how you created the anal retentive housewife. Her personality revealing just enough to prepare you for something scary or strange. A short, satisfying read.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK FOR ME
If I hadn't expected the ending, it might have been a bit better. What tipped me off was the referral to garbage bags and detergent. Maybe you might find a way to change that a little, so the outcome is less obvious.
GRAMMATICAL ERRORS:
Nothing but a few missing commas; Microsoft Word or software like it should make these small mistakes easier to find and correct.
The concept and style. After the recent vampire obsession that led to many badly modernized blood-sucker novels, this piece is refreshing. It's believable, it's fairly scary, its interesting from start to finish.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK FOR ME
Not much. A few sentences struck me as odd, but not as though they didn't belong.
GRAMMATICAL ERRORS
Paragraph 34; Instead of:
"As she did so, she felt her fangs lengthened in her eyes became opaque revealing her a vampire."
Try this:
"As she did so, she felt her fangs lengthen and her eyes become opaque, revealing her to be a vampire.
And I believe a coma belongs after 'must' in that paragraph also.
FINAL NOTE
You have both talent and potential and I encourage you to keep writing.
I love to be reach an ending and be both shocked and satisfied at the same time- which is exactly what you delivered here.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK FOR ME:
Nothing, really. You began and ended strong, included a small bit of dialogue and a twist. Two thumbs up.
GRAMMATICAL ERRORS:
Paragraph 1, instead of:
'A pretty girl could get from any Point A to any other Point B if she were willing to bait the hook.'
Try this:
'A pretty girl could easily get from Point A to Point B, if she was willing to bait the hook.'
Also (and this is not an error so much as something I noticed) you repeat the phrase, 'among other things,' throughout the story; if its not done purposefully, you could work with another phrasing ("as well as," maybe)
No kidding. This poem brings to light some of the deeper faults of human nature, that we are selfish and unappreciative. At the same time I enjoyed the considerable difference from verse 9 to the end. I began the poem feeling the depressive truthfulness behind your words, and ended it feeling hopeful and lighthearted.
Very true. While the poem doesn't recite a story, it is called poetry for a reason. Your words conjure to mind anger, and I see that as a success rather than something failing to make sense.
Poetry is not about making sense, its about expressing yourself. And I think you did an excellent job.
While I don't often write poetry myself, I can see the potential talent just the same. A little editing here and there and you would have profitable material. I can't tell you something specific to correct, but I can sympathize with your words.
Great job, keep it up.
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