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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jraf
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14 Public Reviews Given
18 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by jraf
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow. If this is just what you call a "color sketch", I look forward to reading a polished piece in your port someday. Sometimes, writing these snippets of personal experiences down in notebooks leads to the most amazing writing adventures. In fact, I would recommend continuing such "ramblings" or "vents" and look back on them for inspiration for a larger work.
I feel as though you have a lot of writing potential. Not only is your attention to detail proficient--the coin, the grates, and such--but I love your use of strong language to flavor the world you describe with peculiar tonal hues. The synesthesia of "the smell of poverty" is beautiful; that is a difficult aspect of the writer's craft to hone, and I feel you can bring and highlight the unusual aspects of life to make your writing sing. Your juxtaposition of the poorer and richer areas also ring beautifully.
Thanks so much for offering this piece up for review. I thoroughly enjoyed it and hope that you do continue becoming part of the WDC family. :) You truly have a gift that should be shared with the world.
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Review by jraf
In affiliation with The League of Young Writers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I enjoyed this piece, especially the detailed imagery and the scenes they conjured up in my mind. Great job! Thinking of the panoramic views Deja enjoyed, as well as the familiarity of the train and conductors themselves, just added to the simple luxury of train rides and also broke the reader's heart at the end to think of what would come of Deja's summers when she could no longer experience the train. My favorite line was, "...she couldn't see out the windows anymore. Her tears were in the way."

I caught a few run-ons and fragmented sentences, like these, for example: "From getting the ticket punched to counting the cars." and "Deja sat for many miles clutching the meaning, she tried not to repeat the words to herself." For future reference, I would suggest double-checking that every sentence has one subject and one predicate--in this case, I will refer to the predicate as the verb--unless it is a compound sentence and has been divided/distinguished accordingly. The sentence fragment is just a prepositional phrase and should be tacked on the beginning of the sentence following or it should be edited so it fits the requirements of being a complete sentence. As for the run-on, it is a comma splice; "Deja sat for many miles clutching the meaning" is one complete thought and "She tried not to repeat the words to herself" another, so the thoughts/sentences should be separated.

Also, I saw a few missing and/or misplaced commas, as in this sentence: "The hour was now, near the end of the fourth day and that's also when she realized, she couldn’t see out the windows anymore." Commas indicate pauses or the combining of two complete thoughts into one. As this is a compound sentence, a comma should be placed before the conjunction to indicate that this is a compound sentence and both thoughts are complete; in simple sentences where conjunctions are used, there should be no comma before the conjunction as only one part of the sentence will make a complete thought. There also should be no comma between 'realized' and 'she' because that is not the end of the prepositional phrase, it is not a natural place to pause when speaking, and, although the phrase following the comma is a complete thought, the conjunction and preposition transitioning into the latter half of the compound sentence cannot make a complete sentence alone.

Thank you so much for sharing your piece with our community. Happy writing!
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Review of Simon's Home  
Review by jraf
In affiliation with The League of Young Writers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Powerful. That's really all I can say. Simon is a man down on his luck and he was consumed by the vice of alcohol, something that is prominent without it being said in the very beginning of the piece. I like the portrayal of Simon, but the only thing I didn't like was the physical description. It's always best to describe the character in segments, liberally sprinkling it throughout. You could say something about his eyes as he stares down at the bottle of whiskey, the way his long, shaggy hair obscures his vision or lines the periphery of what he sees. We could notice his clothes as he shifts, or he realizes his disheveled state, etc. Just a thought. Keep on writing!
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Review by jraf
In affiliation with The League of Young Writers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
First off, I enjoyed your idea. Inner conflict and returning or revisiting the past is something I love to write about because it's rich fodder for the imagination. You have described a character who has made mistakes in her life, but would improve her life for the sake of her daughter. If you wished to expand on this idea, you could probably map out your character's life and show the mistakes she made and how they affected her life. It's subtle, but the reader can tell that she and Scott are involved by the line, "But she was older now, and she needed a place to get away from Scott." Nice way not to shout out the obvious, but I'm interested in why she needed to get away. Earlier on, the character told herself that her daughter needed to live in better conditions. Is Scott abusive? A lout? Just down on his luck? It's good to leave the reader wanting more by keeping things open for speculation, and I like it. The only criticism I have is the flow and excessive use of the past tense. Some sentences seem rough and ragged in places, but that's something a little editing wouldn't fix. A good way to remedy that is to break up sentence structure and adding variety to my word choice; an exercise I like to do is to try and write beginning each sentence with a different word instead. I love your characterization and the way your character comes to life. She is relatable and her situation is similar to those of others who decided to defy the status quo and break the rules by associating with "bad" people.
There wasn't much to critique and you made it hard for me to find problems in your work. Keep on writing!
5
5
Review of Amber's Gift  
Review by jraf
In affiliation with The League of Young Writers  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I have to say, this was one of the most heartfelt pieces I've ever read, and definitely drawn on by experience, either yours or a close friend or family member. You really conveyed a sense of deep emotion to the reader, connecting them to the story and making them one with the main character. As I read, I actually started feeling the burn of tears in my eyes and went through the motions with the character, imagining this young child in the backseat, thinking about the finality in the character's thoughts and words as she comforted little Amber. The only thing I could ask more of is using less passive voice, such as "was" or "were" statements, and substituting them for something that really draws the reader into the scene rather than holds them at a distance and tells. Although you backed them up, especially in the beginning, with great detail and description, I think it would be better for the reader to pick up on things on their own. It worked with the style of the piece and really helped connect with what you were conveying to the reader, but it's technically correct not to use passive voice. For example, the first part of the first sentence, "It was a bright and sun splashed day..." could be turned into something more flamboyant and descriptive like, "A radiant sun cast its cheerful rays upon Durham...", etc.,etc. It doesn't have to necessarily be flashy language, but something to really set the scene; although, I do admit, the dark tone to contrast such a bright day in the beginning did set some sort of foreshadowing for the reader and was still very effective in getting the point across. Other than that little tip, I think there's nothing wrong. Again, I loved your portrayal of a woman bringing comfort to a small child and how she dealt with the grief of seeing that type of tragedy happen right in front of her without being in control of the situation. The message and theme is so true in a life of unexpected twists and turns, and I think it's something that not only bettered the main character, but also the reader, by being a tragic reminder of the fragility of life as well as the uncertainty of the future. Well done and happy writing!
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Review by jraf
In affiliation with The League of Young Writers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
         I think that you have a real jewel of a story here, but the largest issues are the switching of tenses, transitions between scenes, and "telling" more than showing.
         First off, it really helps the reader if the writer (you) keep the entire story in one consistent tense throughout. The story switches between present and past tense, so I would suggest choosing one and using it for the entire story, just for comprehension, flow, and movement purposes.
         Also, I think what would help with that is making transitions far clearer from scene to scene, i.e. the "introductory" paragraph to the actual "meat and bones" of the story--the night that Lance died. That first paragraph really makes the reader think that this is a reflection on the past, but then you bring us completely into the story as it is happening. Beginning a story like that is a classic hook: begin in one scene, then either flashback to how the character(s) got there or go to another scene entirely that serves the same purpose to allow the reader to get a "fill-in". However, in this context, I would much rather like to see something like the ending scene happen there and then to have you take us back to that night. Otherwise, I believe this format would work because, in my personal opinion, I found the transition from scene to scene just a tad too blurred, almost like we were trying to jigsaw their lives together at the last moment and some of the pieces were crammed in different places than they were intended to be in, making the picture slightly scrambled.
         The third point I would like to make should also help with the second tip is to maybe give the reader more of the character's mind. It is obvious that this is Julianne's story, told through her perspective, but the problem is, I want more of Julianne to shine through the words. Most of the time, I found that you told us how she acted or how she felt. What readers want is for you to show them how she feels, to make them become Julianne, to walk through her thoughts and feelings, to make them laugh, cry, etc. (Cheesy and cliche way to say it, I know, but it's true of the concept.) The biggest things to market stories is to have the almost persuasive technique of using pathos, an appeal to the reader's emotions. If you get the reader intensely tuned with the character, then they find that they can not only relate to a character, but, if written just right, may also find that part of themselves or someone that they know in that character that makes them want to love them. Don't be afraid to reflect yourself in your character; that's the best way to make Julianne her own person. Let her thoughts and actions shine through to speak for themselves, because that is the strongest way to let it hit home for the reader. And, if you really let the character shine through, then that makes the story and conflict far more poignant and intense, because if the readers care about the character, if they care about her and understand her, then they will care about the story and will keep reading to find out what happens. I found that I could only give her a distant sort of pity because I felt I didn't know Julianne all that well from the story. The principle is to sell your character so that the questions, How will she go on after Lance?, How will she react to his death?, and How will this affect her life in the long run? really make the readers sweat over her predicament.
         Despite the improvements, I love the theme and I really do hope that this short story is extended into a longer work. These sort of stories, I find, are best told in longer form, to let the reader know the full effects of the loss by showing rather than telling (but that's just me.) I hope you take some of these tips into consideration to improve your work; it has got a lot of potential just waiting to be reached. Happy writing!
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Review of Shadows  
Review by jraf
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is great. I love your idea, but everything seems to happen really fast. Could you maybe add a slow build over a few days, beginning with the change we see with Laan up to Alida's transformation. What happens then? It's a suspenseful end, and you know that the main character becomes one of the werewolves, but it's more like the ending of a chapter than the ending of a story. Please, maestro, play on!
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