Nice prose. You set a surreal tone throughout... with the character almost in another world.
The twist is almost expected, but still quite a shock.
I think the idea of not being able to face adulthood could be expanded. If there was a particular aspect that drove him to suicide.
Still, lovely description and characterisation.
Look forward to reading more of your work.
This is a very fast paced, busy piece. I like the idea of a senile grandfather blackmailing his grandson in order to experience some freedom. However there is so much going on it is kind of lost.
You give lots of information very quickly at the start, regarding all the these problems and his sister and his mother. I don't really have any feeling for his personality and I couldn't follow the logic in some of his decisions. Maybe if you showed him doing more things instead of the character telling us about everything, I could understand him better.
I noticed a few spelling mistakes and grammar issues, such as repetition of words in the same sentence.
I did love this line though - "The people out there are faded copies of the ones I knew."
That was my favourite part, as the grandfather enjoyed his short lived freedom.
I think maybe if you concetrated on a specific aspect of the story and cut out some of the backstory it could be more effective. It is a very thrilling finish to the story though.
Very educational reading. I have considered the self publishing route before and if I do this advice will be very helpful.
Thanks again. Happy writing!
A lovely little look at an intriguing character. I find it interesting to see how different people react and deal with things in their lives.
I get the feeling Anthony needed Mary Anne to keep him from going off the edge and he has kept her alive in his prized posession.
I can tell you enjoy meeting new people and you have a wonderful curiosity that comes across in your writing.
A well written character study.
Happy writing!
Lovely well written piece. You really get a feel for the characters, especially Rebecca in how she tries to get a response out of Ted.
I found myself trying to figure what had happened to Ted, and the little clues you give kept me interested.
I loved the 1950s feel of the dialogue and the characters, gave a it a romantic feel. However you occasionally told where it may have been more effective to show.
The descriptions of the sunset and the hosue also stood out well.
Overall a great read. Well done.
Very gripping and tense first person narrative.
It starts off quite creepy and for awhile I thought he was planning something more sinister.
But you bought the character out nicely through the internal dialogue and I could empathise with him.
I like the fact that he has tried many times to make contact. Like this has taken over his whole life.
Your descriptions and quick sentences really up the tension as he follows the boy into the park.
I felt the terror that he did without you having to spell it out.
I did spot a couple of typos and words missing, but a quick read through should solve that.
Also I felt there was something missing at the end. I would have liked to know more about their previous relationship and more about Barry. But I understand you want to leave some mystery to it. Maybe some hints scattered through the narrative could help?
Overall a well paced read.
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