Overall, this is a good poem. The rhythm flows smoothly and the rhyming is natural. There were only a few spots that didn't feel as smooth as the rest of the poem. For example, the last line of stanza three and the first two lines of the last stanza.
I wrote a similar poem last winter while suffering from a really bad cold. It's called Symptoms. Stop by my port some time to check it out.
Thank you for sharing your work, and again, welcome to writing.com!!!!!!!!
Jenn
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While short, this story gave a great amount of insight into the characters and their feelings. Also, your descriptions painted a vivid picture of the surroundings. Good job.
*sttar*I think, however, that you should expand on it just a little. There were some deep emotions that were touched upon, but not fully explained. For example, you mentioned that the woman is tempted to commit suicide just to get her lover's attention. But you dont elaborate on her feelings of desperation and lonliness, so the reader is left wondering where those thoughts came from.
Also, to make your text easier on the readers' eyes, I suggest that you separate your paragraphs with spaces.
Other things that I noticed...
Her hair, like fish gills, swayed in the water~~Great imagery!!!
Her crimson painted toe nails~~I don't think you need to say 'painted' in this line. Just saying 'crimson' tells the reader that her toe nails are painted.
Thank you for sharing your work, and again, welcome to WDC!!!
I like the way you handled the passion in this poem. While the imagery is vivid, it is not vulgar. A lot is left for the imagination to fill in. This keeps your poem 'open' if you will, for more sensitive readers. Good work.
The lines in your poem are short, and the rhythm quick, which adds to the feeling of passion in the poem. This is going to sound corny, but the rhythm almost felt like the heartbeat of the narrator. If you had used longer lines, you would have dragged out the poem, and lost this feeling. Again, good work.
I usually stress the importance of punctuation to poets. However, the lack of puncutuation works well with this poem. It helps to maintain the quick beat, and blends the actions and ideas into one, which often happens during passionate moments. Everything is melted together into one moment.
One suggestion~~you used the word 'feeling' quite a bit throughout the poem. While it doesn't take away from the work, I think that using a some other-perhaps more descriptive-words will add to the imagery of the poem. What do you think?
Other than that, great work. Thank you for overcoming your 'shyness' and sharing your work with WDC.
It is always hard to lose a loved one. I have recently lost a beloved grandfather to cancer, and my uncle is in the last stages of liver cancer. So, i know the pain you are experiencing, and the shoulda's and coulda's that are filling your mind right now. I would like to say that time heals the pains of loss, but I am so sick of hearing that myself right now (even if it is true).
Because this is just a personal poem, written for healing purposes, I am not going to nit-pick about grammar, form, flow, etc.
Instead, I want to thank you for sharing such a personal piece, and let you know that you share it with a very caring community. I understand that all of the writing we do is not for the pleasure of an audience, but for our own piece of mind. I hope, as you read through the other authors' work, that you will find comfort in their writing as well.
Again, thank you for sharing such a personal piece, and welcome to writing.com.
This is a wonderful poem. I love an old western myself, so the tale that you told really hit the spot for me.
The rhythm and repetition in this poem is reminiscent of the stories and songs of the Old West. Combined with clear imagery and a beautifully crafted tale, it would be hard for a reader not to be transported to Wild Bill's time while reading your poem. Good Work!
I have only one question for you...
He laid there quite~~Did you mean to say 'quite' or 'quiet'??
Other than that, great job. Good luck in the contest!
Again, you have written a poem with lovely imagery. A few of my favorite lines in this poem...
By night, the tents rustle and sway.
All the horses are inky black,
with purple silk flowing from their
backs.
Absolutely beautiful. However, I think that you need to look through the poem again, and smooth out some of the rhythm.
For example...
The sand is glowing warm by fiery
day.~~How about...The sand glows warm by fiery day
The sand, sky and sun melt the
horizon line.~~Why not try...the sand, the sky, and the sun melt away the horizon line. I know this probably stretches the line into 2 lines, but I think the words flow a little smoother. What do you think?
Do not touch Stanzas 4 and 5. I think they are perfect!!.
Thank you for sharing your work.
Jenn
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It is always hard to lose a loved one. I have recently lost a beloved grandfather to cancer, and my uncle is in the last stages of liver cancer. So, i know the pain you are experiencing, and the shoulda's and coulda's that are filling your mind right now. I would like to say that time heals the pains of loss, but I am so sick of hearing that myself right now (even if it is true).
Again, you have written a poem with lovely imagery. A few of my favorite lines in this poem...