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Review by Kael
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
You have a good story going on here. Try to give the characters a little more background without giving away everything. Also, change up the style of the writing a bit more. Instead of starting off with Such and such did or said, try another approach.
So instead of "Athenais turned away and took a long moment to study her drinking companions." Try "Turning away, Athenias took a moment to study her companions." It makes the sentence less wordy while still conveying the same thought and emotion.
Be a little more descriptive with elements of the story. Give a background to show why the Millenium Potion was developed and used. You may have done this later on in the story but give some hint early on. It makes the reader want to discover more about the Millenium Potion without forgetting what it is.

If you change up the writing to flow more stylistically and add some description you can use less dialog as well. Some things are better left unspoken and more to thought or description. If a character gets nervous dont make dialogue to show his/her nervousness... make a physical trait out of it like hair twirling, running a finger around the rim of a bar glass ect.

Still, the story is a good one and sets up for more to come.
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Review by Kael
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Excellent source material. I find that a person who wants to start writing has a great grasp of what they want to write just no idea of how to go about it. Too often new writers start out writting stories the same way they would tell it to a friend. In other words, they start out with well this happened... then this happened... and because of that this happened. They have no idea how to expand on the characters or setting or how to build in foreshadow. The guide presented here gives a person a new way to think about these things.
I would make one suggestion, however. Break this into two seperate posts.
1) First post should be the resources based on how to write and how to develop.
2) Second post should be about how to get published and focus on the business aspect of writting.
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