Nicely done story. I enjoyed your characterization of Eros, and there were several instances where I was laughing quite a bit. The drug spin is a good one, I've never really given much thought to how the old gods would feel about the things we do now. This line was my favorite: "Eros' instant reaction was to gag on the excess mold on the cheese of that line"
A few things I noticed that drew me out of the story momentarily (i.e. suggestions):
" A casual passer would never have noticed him, no, they would never have looked twice." I think there should be a semicolon after "him".
"bafoonery" should be "buffoonery". I'm not quite sure I get the pun.
"Erik couldn't think of anything of nothing" might sound better as "Erik could think of nothing" or "Erik couldn't think of anything", I think you meant to write one or the other.
The formatting is a bit clumped together which makes it somewhat hard to read. My usual suggestion for that is to do a line break between each paragraph. You number your sections so I don't see a need to put more than one line break between them.
I like how you tell the story from the main character's point of view, and introducing conflict in the form of him always getting into trouble. It is also a good way of showing the character of the narrator (main character) to show that he gets in trouble even when he's not trying, almost makes him seem like he is a prankster sometimes.
The further conflict of him liking this girl but having never spoken with her adds interest to the story. As a reader, I wonder what else he's going to do so he can start to talk to her. Will they end up in a class together before his time in school ends? Perhaps her friend took her to deal with some kind of emergency that results in a problem that he can solve for her?
One question I had about the way you write, I am wondering if English is a second language for you? Some of the syntax of your writing (the way you place verbs and adjectives) makes it seem as though you are still learning English. It's not bad; the way you write gets your point across quite well, but could use some polishing.
This is very nicely done, quite well-written. The virus seems to move very quickly which can only be to it's advantage. What would happen if the virus ran out of victims, if everyone and everything (as it doesn't seem to discriminate) became infected? Would it mutate to accept already-infected blood?
Thank you very much for writing this on the importance of taking your medication as a bipolar patient. I have it as does my maiden aunt, I am taking my meds as indicated but sometimes I will 'forget' to take them. She often forgets, so I will share this with her as well, perhaps she will find it motivational.
Concise and to the point. I would like to thank you for numbers 4, 5, and 6. It makes your review of my story (which is back under construction offline) that much more meaningful to me as a writer.
This was a well written story about two friends that found each other after a long separation. I enjoyed reading it and was able to connect with the main character because I have a fondness for looking through old photographs and remembering good times I've had that way. I have even come to reconnect with some people after being prompted by a photo.
This was pretty well written, no obvious bumps when I read it over. It does have me thinking, wondering what's happened (or is currently happening) to the cast at the bottom of the shaft. Of course there's no way to ask them, because we can't bring them back up to our level.
I don't know much about writing in the military genre, but I truly enjoyed this story. It's pretty obvious that the narrator has some kind of emotional problem as a result of his research and time in Iraq with the soldiers. I like how it is broken up, as if he is having a difficult time following his own thoughts. I like how the flow becomes more smooth as you move into the heart of the story. I know some people who were in Afghanistan and came back with PTSD and they communicate in very similar ways to what you have written here, hard to follow at first but if you just let them keep going eventually they get out what they need to.
Wow...I....just, wow. That was amazing. Well written, no grammatical or other errors that I could see, I was so entranced by the story and how they were moving about through it that I couldn't pay attention to the way the words looked on the screen. I feel like I just woke up from a bad dream myself.
I thought this was a very powerful, symbolic story about someone who found happiness in a relationship and then lost it when the other person decided he was not quite what she was looking for. It seems like he blames himself for taking her for granted and for leaving what he knew to try to make a new life with her. He lost himself doing that and has become determined not to lose himself or expose himself to another ever again. He feels like the loss is too much and he gave up so much of himself that he doesn't know how to regain himself until after the tower he had built with her burns to the ground.
The only problem I saw was your use of the word "bare" to mean what he was going through; it should be "bear" which means to withstand something. Yes, it is also an animal.
Praise: I enjoyed reading this story very much. I like how you wrote the beginning from Vesta's point of view. I think you did a good job of leaving some things vague, because how would she know where he was going?
Question: How would you finish the story from Vesta's point of view?
Suggest: I have no suggestions. I think answering my question would be a good exercise if you have the time and inclination, but the way you ended the story also works well and provides necessary explanation to your readers.
Praise: I enjoyed reading about this sudden problem in the work day of a global worker. It especially rang home to me because in my job I also have to pay attention to time zones to make sure that the wrong time for service is not provided to the client.
Question: I have no questions based on this story. I hope the narrator was able to get things done quickly so he/she could go home.
Praise: the descriptions you use of the surroundings are very good. Also the description of Sophia as she turns to see what trouble her young cat has gotten into.
Question: What does Faith look like?
Suggest: I would take out the sentence "there she was in plain sight." I think it would help that paragraph flow better.
If Jackson didn't get his lisence then why was he expected to give Chris a ride (and therefore the cause of Chris being late) in the section before it's mentioned?
This was a pretty good story, well written from Chris' point of view. I liked reading about his impressions of everything and how he was dealing with the way his brother was acting upon his return from France. I wondered where his parents were the whole time Jackson was being troubled and why they didn't try to say anything to either of the boys about their changed behaviors. Was Jackson's return the reason Chris was acting so depressed and wanting to sleep all the time?
This was a pretty good story, but it felt like it was being told and could be improved by some more dramatic detail, if you are going to try to revise it.
One thing I found to be rather distracting is that you use the word 'where' a lot when you mean 'were'. Where is a place, while were describes the way something is. An example: "There where hundreds of reports about possible sightings of the women and their criminal digressions that where becoming legendary in such a short time."
Hi and thanks for writing! I have enjoyed what you have so far, I hope there is more because I want to know why it's so quiet at his house. And I would like to know what he has to do today that is going to be relevant to the silence coming from the city nearby.
There was no devastation to be seen., no chaos abound. <---this sentence seems kind of awkward to me, I'm not sure 'abound' is the right word here. Maybe 'abounded'? I'm not even sure if that is a word.
I thought this was a pretty good story, sad but kind of humorous at the same time. I did not find any places where it was difficult to read or understand. If it wasn't for the sad ending it would make a good children's story. I think the narrator is younger anyway, maybe 11 or 12?
It was brilliantly white, as white as the winter outside. It glistened from the reflections of light on its moist surface. That had been the dragon’s purpose. It needed a safe haven for its progeny. The magician stared at it, lost in amazement at the rarest of rare sites.
^^^I believe the word "sites" should be "sights".
I enjoyed this story immensely, although at the beginning I had a somewhat difficult time understanding which brother was trying to find the dragon and which brother was supposed to be in the castle. By the middle of the story I had it worked out though. The character development of Venn was worked out pretty well throughout the story, and the ending was really a surprise to me. I find myself wondering what the people of this world are going to do if the egg that was destroyed was the last dragon egg, and how living in perpetual summer will affect them.
“Really? And what way is that?” The unknown owner of this ‘voice’ was starting to annoy me – a lot. I wished I could find whoever was talking, and give him a really good punch in the gut.
^^^This was a great way to break the tension of the scene. It really had me laughing even though the story is horrifying and I need to find out what happens to the boys.
Thank you for writing I enjoyed the story immensely. :)
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