Hi Purple Cow,
Oh my gosh; this is too funny! What a great idea. I'm old, so we had to lug eggs around...but I've seen teenagers hauling these dolls around with glazed eyes...vacant stares (the teens, not the dolls).
Suggestions:
*Coming along with me on my trip was my two sisters
-should be 'were' my two sisters, because the word sisters is plural.
That's it! Thanks for sharing such a witty, entertaining story.
Hi Jenni,
This is a powerful poem, dealing with a very difficult subject. You captured perfectly the way people say "I love you" then, by word and deed, prove themselves wrong. I'm glad you wrote from a position of strength; the girl is not letting her mother tear her down. I like the way your writing is direct, to the point, without any flourishes. I look forward to reading more of your writing.
Take care,
Kat
Hi Slamming Shaara,
What a beautiful piece! I reread some of your lines a few times in order to savor them. It is so nice to read something beautiful, to look into someone else's mind via their words and find bright colours and joy. Thanks for sharing!
Take care,
Kat
Hi again Waves,
Another delightful poem! I can't help but be bombarded with images of jellybeans and rainbows as I read your words. I feel like a kid in a candy store, reading this. Thanks!
Kat
Hi Finnely,
I enjoyed reading your poem. It is short, but to the point, and has a nice rhythm to it. I like the phrase "twinkle, twinkle, mercy, weep." I read this poem yesterday and didn't have time to review it then, and that line stayed with me. I like the way the words twinkle twinkle set up a happy mood, and then we keep reading and see mercy, weep. It's unexpected, and, I think, a good technique.
Take care,
Kathy
Dear TesubCalle,
I enjoyed reading your story very much. Your description of Troy was also very enjoyable!! It's often difficult to write a short short story, but you pulled it off very nicely.
There's only one simple thing that I would change...and this is just my opinion so feel free to toss it . In the sentence "Then I saw him fall...", I would take out the word 'then'. If you write "I saw him fall", instead of "then I saw him fall" it seems more immediate. The use of then implies telling a story after the fact, to me, anyway. That's just me though.
I love this poem. It is so full of vivid images it's almost overwhelming, yet the images seem somehow familiar too. I guess we all have our memories packed away. I especially love these lines:
There is water damage from all the tears I have wept
Lost love, betrayal, promises never kept
I always bring some reality back down those spiral stairs
But in revisiting the past I always leave a piece of me up there
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. In the sentence "Then I saw him fall...", I would take out the word 'then'. If you write "I saw him fall", instead of "then I saw him fall" it seems more immediate. The use of then implies telling a story after the fact, to me, anyway. That's just me though.