HELLO RENE!
I found this one to be waaaaaay better then the first one I read! I love it! So here goes!
Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.
The dialogue in this piece was great!
The ending brought a good conclusion to a great story, it was good.
I love the beginning, it creates a great scene and draws the reader in.
The introduction was well-written and prepares the reader for what's ahead, explaining the situation.
The characters that you created were realistic and believable.
This character is interesting and humorous.
The story was simple and nicely done, it was a good short story and was easy to follow.
This was an interesting story that was easy to read.
The descriptions were great in this piece and they painted the scene.
Here are my suggestions!
"So, tell me the particulars about this unfortunate theft," I said to him as his lordship began to slowly narrate it.
You don’t state before this there has been a theft which leads the reader to believe that they have missed part of the conversation.
"The maid complained of backache from reaching the very high shelves... the only room free of dust is the study," I smirked, just to make sure his reaction was that of legendary. He eventually composed himself, and stared at me with his emerald eyes. It seemed to be pleading with me about something.
You don’t state anything about the maid making this complaint which leads the reader to believe that they have missed something.
"Here... she told me to keep the ring, in case if she looses it... and she IS a forgetful creature... wonderful as she is... and the photo, just for police purposes," he said as I opened the ring box. A solitaire diamond, perfect for a slim and healthy woman of her age. I looked at the photo, and it matched the description perfectly. My mind's thinking fast as I hold the ring in my hands, wondering why would she ask her fiancé to hold her ring until her wedding day.
'Why on earth would she ask her lover a strange request like that? I wonder if...' I thought about it for some time, and decided that I should accept the case. After all, there was nothing else for me to do...
These two sections are right after each other. With both together it sounds redundant. The last sentence of the first paragraph is pretty much the same as the second paragraph. I would make changes here.
"I... I forgot her name, which is rather stupid of me. I remember the face, but I cannot remember her name," he said sheepishly before he stood up and left me to ponder. I just wonder...
Ponder and wonder are the same thing in these two sentences (doubt, think about). I would chose a different word that is more to the meaning of what you mean or leave one of the sentences out.
"Her name, sir? I... I don't know her name, her face is covered with a black veil, sir," the butler answered as I nodded sagely.
I feel that this information is useless to the story and it jumps in out of no where. The butler wasn’t asked about how she looked so why should he state the veil deal. It would be better to say something about her weight and not her looks.
"Ah, I want you to meet my fiancée, Margaret Lyre. Madge, this is my friend, Adrian Sole, a private detective," he introduced me to her, as she bowed, rather ungracefully. Her body weight was the main contribution of it.
The last sentence seems incomplete. Her body weight was the main contribution of what? If it is her ungraceful bow then I would put it into the same sentence- as she bowed, rather ungracefully due to her body weight. Or something of the sorts.
"First and foremostly, how long do you know him, Lord Vampenhish?" I asked informally as she answered my question, rather carelessly.
”First and foremost, how long have you known Lord Vampenhish?”
"Ah. And I see you're very devoted to him, despite your appearance," I pointed out with a tone of diplomacy as she took a deep breath and sighed.
"Yes, despite my appearance, he said that he loves me with all of his soul. Not on the outside, but on the inside, he said to me," she said with a smile. I nodded again, slowly, and allowed myself to continue with the conversation at hand.
With the two above paragraphs I had some issues. First off, not many women will hear someone talk about their weight like that and not be hurt and second, not many people would say such a thing in such a way. Next, where does this all lead? You can show that she’s over weight and show how that relates to the end but the whole idea about him being with her due to her weight makes no sense. You already state in the end that he’s not big on marriage so there’s a reason why he wouldn’t marry here. Also, in the sentence itself (first paragraph) “I would word this “And I see that he is devoted to you despite your appearance.” It makes no since to ask her if she is devoted to him even though she is big and then have her say that he’s devoted to her even though she is big.
I have to say that I really liked this piece and think that you have a great thing going with this one!-kat
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