Hiya - I read some of the story. I think it's really good. You have a good anchor that draws the reader into the story. The lines are smooth and easy flowing. There was so grammar faults that I could pick on, at least to my intermediate level. And your build up of the atmosphere of the story is quite good too.
But...
My main concern was the cut n' paste of the story here. There is no paragraph spacing, so reading it a bit harsh on the eyes. When presenting something, you ought to give it everything to make the story that much more appealing to the total aesthetic quality of the story.
Secondarily, while you had a good anchor, after about six paragraphs, there was still nothing happening that would cause me to read on further. You placed a passer by into the story, build-up a bit too much about here, and then wham! That's all the end of her. So in my opinion, that interaction is not necessary.
But other wise, a fine effort. Look forward to more from you!
"....and he carried a nasty dirty blanket. "
nasty dirty blanked doesn't feel right. You may wish to reword this.
Hiya - I read all the piece you put up here. I think it's really good, and I could not spot any grammar faults in it. Your use of imagery is really good too. There is a nice element of suspense and mystery here and mayhaps in the longer term you are onto something good, to end up in the bookshelves of the teen-agers section.
But...
A prologue isn't what that makes a good story. I'd rather read what the actual book contains. Regarding what you put up here, my main criticism is that here isn't a character with one whom the reader can get attached too, and journey with him/her to the various conflicts that occur in the book, and how this character deals with these. So...I take a star off for this. But otherwise, a fine effort. Look forward to the first chapter where I can really get you all that I have.
Hiya - I read some of your introduction paragraph. It sure is heavy, with poetic, and technical, mayhaps general knowledge that is a bit above my humble laymans neantherthal brain. Usually, when I do hit something like, I immediately close the book, and reach out for something that grips my attention...and holds it...
,,,but basically, a retired english school teacher may love it...
What I did gather from a brief skim of the paragraphs ... is that there is nothing major happening that will hold my attention...sure something nice does get cooked later on in the story, but the introduction must be a hook, and a good hook that guides the reader.
But otherwise a fine effort, I could not spot any grammar faults in the bits that I did read.
Just a few pointers though from an avid bookreader that makes meself...
You may wish to read up on some pointers on this site about how to write a good hook that will capture and hold the readers attention, and tone down some hard words that one such as yours truly needs a dictionary to read...
This is a good campfire story, it has plenty of things happening to keep the reader hooked, and it is focused on one issue only. It kind of reminds me of the Paul Jennings stories I used to love back in the days. I could not spot any grammar faults. The lines flow really well. Look forward to more works from you. All the best!
Hiya - I read some of the story. You have a twist at the beginning that draws the reader to unravel this mystery as he/she progresses. I like the imagery that you use, and the fast pace of the story that you some how manage to entwine some interesting characters as we go on further. All the best!
Hiya - you have a wonderful piece here. It is brutal and gritty, and I was kind of disappointed it ended so quickly. I like the way you use the "show, don't tell" principle. Above all the lines flow naturally. Look forward to more of your works. All the best!
Hiya - I read the start of the story, and the last 2 paragraphs. I like how you build up suspense, about the mysterious elevator and even more mysterious past. There were no grammar faults that I could pick up. You also use imagery really well to describe the setting.
The 2 things I picked up on was first the aesthetics of the presentation - I can't really find the paragraph spacing which is kinda distracting. Maybe you want to edit this again and fix up the tab spacings.
Next is the ending...yep...predictable...and the cliché open ending...
-One way to assist in this is to give hints and clues and teasers to make this that much so much more powerful.
Hiya - I read your poem in it's entire. I think maybe it's a bit beyond me, but overall, I like the theme as per my pragmatic self. It kind of reminds of the favourite saying back when I was reading the latest of Lee Child - "War is not about dying for your country - it's about making the enemy die for his". All the best!
Hiya - I read your story in it's entire. I think it's quite good, and I was kind of flowing smoothly with the words, seeing how the story plays out. There were no grammar faults I could pick on, and you use imagery really well.
I think though, from first impressions you are onto a winner.
But there were a few places I kind of got lost...
for example..
The full moon slowly became obscured by a total and ominous shadow. Within moments, it had waned into a converted series of phases. Gibbous to crescent and then to no moon at all.
- I don't quite get this.. sorry for that but I have read plenty of books, and some of them really are down to my layman's understanding, if I come across a book that is too hard, I don't read it. What I'm trying to get across here is, that you may wish to use simple language that us simple folks understand.
Back again to simplicity, I didn't find the opening paragraph strong, when you use big words like "permanence" and I am loathe to use dictionaries in what I read, I simply close the book...
"Private Sanders? FBI, you are being detained for treason. Come with us, sir," said a foreign voice.
- you may wish to elaborate on this one - it creates questions and leaves this too open. For example, what does the foreign voice mean ? Is the voice calm/ with authority/bored/bully etc ? Make things easier for us readers okay ? Make things to hard, and the reader goes away...
But otherwise, I found it a fine effort. Look forward to more of your works!
PS - I took off the two stars because of the big words, and for the bits that I didn't quite understand...
Hiya - I read some of your writing. I think you have done a wonderful job going as far as you have. This shows discipline and ofcourse your use of imagery is really good too.
You made the font bigger - this is so much easier on the eyes so you get a bonus star for this...
But just a few observations from me...
The first paragraph isn't strong...ideally you need something that will capture the readers interest and hold it for the rest of the story. All I get is a sad person...
In the first paragraph you packed that bit about the soul...sure it's poetic...but at the end of the day stories are about people, and how they deal with conflict. The more extreme, the betterer the read. For sure you want the reader to know the background of the situation, but that is so much more clever if you build on the characters, and then drip feed the information in the following chapters, as the reader gets attached to the hero...
I'd advise you to go through this site's tips on writing stories, or maybe read a book on "writing books". You already have the majority of skills needed for a successful writer - you just need a little bit of research to help get to the next level. I believe you have a really good story to tell, and more to follow, you just need the theory for it.
All the best, and look forward to more of your works!
Maybe if you went through some "best seller" teenage reads, you can
Hiya - I had to read your except twice. I think it's quite awesome your style of writing. It kind of reminds me of the Game of Thrones style - a series I have yet to pick up and read, however in this forum, I have come across at least one author who purports to that style.
I felt a haunted feeling as I was reading the piece, as if a quest was imminent, and a love interest looming out there's somewhere.
However...not being a chemist...I don't know what "iridium" is so I can't quite imagine what colour the scenario is. And then again "Meddeous" is a mystery...I could wait for your work to be published to find out more...or forget about your work and start reading my book which is more appealing.
Overall, I know something has happened, or is about to happen, but the short work you presented has left me with some frustrating questions, and when I read, I prefer not be frustrated...so that's when I close the book and read something else.
Umm check the spelling of "stiched" to "stitched" ...
Hiya - that is a good story. It brings up some happy memories for me, and some cold lessons in my life that things weren't always going to be rosy for me in my life later one. I guess the best thing about going to primary or kindergarten is that you learn fairly early on is that your actions have consequences, and then there are things beyond your, or your friends/family control that are out to get you.
But other wise all the best!
PS - I took a star off the story because I feel that you should include a personal anecdote or two in the piece.
Hiya - I read some of your story. I wish there was more hours in the day so I could read it all, and comment how wonderful your story is . . . (honestly, and you do have talent that is beyond mine)
However . . . my one true love wants me to watch TV news with her now so ....
Hiya - I read your story. I think it's really great - well in a dark and fascinating way. It reminds me of a documentary I saw recently in the Crime Programmes channel. I always wondered if I should foray into it to write a story along those lines, but I guess you beat me to it!
Overall I could not spot any grammar faults, and you use imagery really well, and yes I read some bits twice just to satisfy my own curiousity.
I took one star off because the story kind of switches between viewpoints or scenery quite suddenly, and then for a few moments I get confused . . . about the last time you did this, I got a bit annoyed . . . lol.
Anyways, look forward to more of your works (hope you don't include some of my futures there too)
Wow - this is so wonderful and emotional. I have been to one "White Elephant" at a work do once where the rule was that you had to keep your spending to a small certain limit. So I got a nice "expensive" tie from the local charity shop, which I hope the gentleman used at some stage. Whereas I got something that was a bit beyond my reach . . . I hope also from a charity shop.
What a wonderful story - you built the atmosphere really well. I just had to read the story twice, just in case I missed something. There is some emotion packed into the story, but my pragmatic self took it as it comes. All the best and look forward to more of your works.
Hiya - I read your story. It has a very nice setup, and I got quite emotional reading it. The length was just right for me to make complete evaluation of your need. In my opinion, I think you have something that is worth publishing. Apart from that, you deserve my full stars. All the best!
Hiya - I read some of your story. It is done rather well, with no grammar faults, and the overall aesthetic quality of the line flow is pleasing to the eye.
...but just my critiques . . . . assuming I was in a bookstore, and with hundreds of books at my fingertips, if I was to chose one . . . why it would not be yours . . .
-The writing is a bit too small as you put it onto the screen here. I had to squint to read it. Pretty much from the start you need to get certain fings rite.
- The sense of thrill is not there, nothing is happening that makes me worried for the protagonist so far. Yeah I know something will happen later which will make things extremely intense, but will I even reach that stage ? There's other books out there where things start on the first page and keep me hooked.
- The characters Mary, Thomas and Istov just crash land into the party. I don't know their personalities, I just can't handle the information overload at this point. Yeah they have to get in the story, but it's better to bring them gently. They are completely different characters, but you can add elements of the titillating love chemistry between Mary and Thomas to hook the reader into the story a bit more, and then do a clever setup and Istov enters the stage, but give him hints as to the fate/surprise hero/villain etc he's about to become.
But otherwise a fine effort! Look forward to more of your works in due course!
Hiya - I read some of your story. I think you have a wonderful plotline, and the characters are strong and credible. You use historical figures that act in a plausible manner. Above all, I think that revealing the card of the protagonist (her power as having the gift of future telling) early on makes the story that much more intense and absorbing.
My only criticism was the fast pace of the story.
For example:
At the entrance to the grand chamber, she had to request an audience with the King. It was granted.
-I'd suggest having an incident or two that kinda makes it harder for the heroine to make it to the king, and then getting access to the old boy as a setup would make it really awesome.
Francesco comes into play just too quickly. I presume he plays a pivotal role, but the again the quick pace makes me wonder if there are children involved at the end of the story. EDIT - I just scrolled up and there's none mentioned.
But otherwise well done! I could not spot any grammar faults here. Look forward to more of your writings in due course!
Hiya - I read some of your story. I think it's a fine effort, and you have the discipline to making writing a career if you continue to keep writing and getting feedback from it. My major issue was that you write in an odd format, that is when reading, the flow doesn't seem right.
For example:
“Hey, Lieutenant! Better look at this. I think we may have something,” Yelled a stout uniformed officer.
-try
“Hey, Lieutenant! Better look at this. I think we may have something,” the stout officer excitedly yelled from the small bedroom.
Holding up the notebook, he stepped out of a small, front bedroom into the living room of an older house at 1921 S. 18th Street.
-try
He barged into the living room waving an old notebook in the air.
When writing, it's quite important to leave details out, so you leave some imagination to the reader. All the same, you need to know what details to leave in. It is a fine balance, something which comes with practice.
And what I really wanted to emphasis was that you shouldn't start a sentence like this:
Walking to the uniformed officer, a tall man with salt and pepper hair, more salt than pepper, wearing a rumpled brown suit admonished
-ie starting with something like "Walking" . . . instead start like ---> He rapidly strode in his long steps . . ..
I read your story, I think it is great, and pretty much straight to the point. You have nice was of using imagery, and the being in one person's perspective makes it all that much more grand. I read the story twice, I think perhaps I reacted to the story in a pragmatic, but then again, that's what a story is about in my opinion.
I read your story - it is really good. I think that most pets are perhaps some of the hidden but victims just the same of fireworks season. At one of the city fireworks events, I remember hundreds of birds flying off from one tree to another when these "explosions" started wowing the crowds.
Hiya - this is a wonderful piece, and complete. It leaves no stones unturned, and has a wonderful twist in it. In my opinion you deserve full marks. I hope to get to your level one day, as I was captured in the story from the first paragraph. All the best and look forward to more works from you!
Hiya - I read your story entirely. I was mesmorised from the first to last words. I think you have some really awesome, my only criticism is that it ended far too soon. In my opinion you have every single good box ticked. All the best and please can you add more to this wonderful piece!
Hiya - from what I read of your overall plotline, I think you are onto a great start, as you can never go wrong with a hero with some mysterious power that pretty much immediately puts the reader with the protagonist. However, I think you need to present this in the context of a real read . . . this way I can pick up on your style and things to improve on straightaway. But other wise, all the best!
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