Ohhhh my gosh. I have not reviewed in like forever but I was just passing by and I saw this posted at the side of my port. I am surely glad I stopped by. The truth is that the title captured me and even the essence of the piece made me believe stopping by was worth it. It's short and sweet (which I believe made it even more moving that say a longer wordier piece). Keep writing from the heart darling and remember God bless. Feel free to pass by and review one of my chapters Sins of a Woman. :)
I always say that those who use the vast expanse of their imagination to depict stories with the wonderful expressions of words are truly artists. I must say that I enjoyed the use of your descriptive words and expressions. It's not easy coming up with a n array of metaphors and similies here and there through writing pieces. So hats off to you my friend and remember to pass on the good deed of reviewing another's work.
I must say that I was glad this story started from the conflict moment and not a long back ground story. I always advise writers to start with a capturing hook to hold the reader's attention and then the background story will find it's way into the piece naturally. So what will be the end result? You will have other readers such as myself wanting to know more about the story including the background story. So a well done job on this one my friend and don't forget to return the favour of giving reviews where reviews were given. :)
Oh my gosh, this was wonderful my friend. Bravo, you were able to make me stop read this piece "and" keep reading. I don't particularly have an appetite for poetry, but I do devour a good one when I get it. Keep up the good work, for poetry is obviously your area. Thank you for the opportunity and do pass on the good deed by giving a review to another. :)
In this world, we cannot use scientific things to prove/show the existence of a spiritual being. I've done research in my university and what I learned there is that a hypothesis is something that can be proven or disapproved through testing with the uses of sight, hearing, feeling, tasting and smelling. However, as you know, no one has ever seen God, so to attempt to use this general method of testing already is a failure. However, scientist use the very things God made to try and created a thesis that he is non-existent, which is ironic. Can we see the wind or whence it comes and where it goes? No. Yet we know the wind exist because we can feel its effects. So it is with God. We cannot see when he comes or goes, but we are aware of his effects through this created world he has given us. This is my opinion on the matter.
Wahoo, this is deep. The last line I must say is mind-boggling. I see in your port a lot of poems, so is it safe to assume that you're a poetry writer? Or is it that poetry chose you, you did not choose poetry? lol. My friend, keep up the good work, this was short, sweet and worth my time. I hope that you can stop by my port again and read on of my pieces from my novel in progress Sins of a Woman. You will not be disappointed.
Nice lyrics. I would surely have liked to hear the song's melody. I have a question about the lyrics though, something that's boggling my mind. Is it that in the song, two friends like the same girl and the narrating friend is sort of jealous that his friend and the girl were getting close, so his jealousy eventually gets the best of him and he kills his friend then keeps it a secret by making it appear to be an accident? Please let me know. :)
Hi there, this is the first time I have visited your port and therefore this is also the first time I am giving you a review. Firstly, if anything I have said has offended you, my apologies, that is not my intention. My intention to to give, honest, fruitful reviews and possibly some editing tips here and there.
Shall we begin?
Upon reading the first paragraph, I came upon an error in the phasing of your words.
"The man in front of them was twirl his hand around to blow the away the cloud of rainbow smoke the surrounded him."
Correction-Was twirling his hand around/ to blow away the cloud of rainbow.
"but Ax didn't really knew who it was all that well"
Correction-Ax didn't really know.
Find another way to state this sentence-"but Ax didn't really knew who it was all that well." Either he did or didn't know who it was, so you're giving mixed meaning to the readers when its phrased like that. Suggestion-Ax was not aware of who it was, but there was something quite familiar about him or Ax was not aware of who it was, yet he felt as if he knew him from his past.
"Cody whisper" Watch your tenses.
Correction-Cody whispered
"Garen shouted at him, and he ran foward at the man," This isn't phrased correctly.
Correction-he ran towards the man.
"Cody said, looking him deep in his joyful eyes" Try rephasing.
Correction- Looking deeply into his joyful eyes.
NB: Above is just a few of the corrections that needs to be made. Try reading your pieces out loud so that you could recognize the misuse of tenses and phrasing. Also I realized that your novel has a lot of characters. When writing novels with many characters, try not bringing out all your characters at once. This may be dangerous for your writing, in terms of not giving the reader time to learn your characters and their strengths and flaws. Also this may make the reader uncaring towards your characters because they were not given the time to know them. Put your main characters at the forefront then the secondary and so forth and so forth. Also, try to sharpen the chapters in length, I personally don't mind chapters that have a little length, but there are many readers out there who turn away when they see the length of the first chapter and again, that could work against you. All in all, there are corrections to be made and little details to look over, but don't give up, the best writers had to go through the same regiment before they became best sellers.
As you know, here at WDC, it's good when a review is given, to give one back. Stop by my port to give me a review on my work in progress novel Sins of a Woman.
Hey there Bertos, I am reading your novel pieces "Alone" and I'm here to give you an honest, encouraging and respectful review. Anything that is written here is my own opinion and not meant to be negative or to bring you down as an upcoming author. If there is anything i am about to say that you do not agree with, feel free to discard my opinion and go with your own intuition, at the end of the day this is your story and you know how you want your story to flow. With that said, let's begin:
From the first paragraph, I recognized a glitch: He couldn’t have seen her off because of back to back meetings all day long. They were in the middle of a large project at work.
Something's missing and should get that rectified.
You could tighten the following sentence: The sun was just setting and the sky shown bright crimson with the few clouds taking on the same hue. To: The sun was just setting and the sky, a bright crimson had a few clouds taking on the same or the sky with its bright crimson had a few clouds taking on the same hue. . .etc.
The subject should follow the verb: The burger and fries were washed down with a cold beer as he sat on the front porch. This could be switched to: He washed down the burger and fries with an ice cold beer as he sat on the front porch.
Again this sentence could be tightened: Jeff watched the sun drop below the horizon, only briefly thinking that he should run in, grab a camera and try to catch this moment. To: Jeff watched the sun drop below the horizon and for a brief moment, he thought about grabbing the camera to capture the breath-taking scenery.
The dialogue should start on a new line, e.g.
“Hope you had a good dinner, I love you. Talk to you tomorrow, work was exhausting. Nite Hon.”
Dialogue also should be tight. I believe (and this is just my opinion) that there is too much going on in this dialogue. I get the impression that he got her voice mail and is just rattling everything off one time. If this is not for a voice mail, then he should address one thing at a time. E.g. "Hope you had a great dinner. . . mine, not so great. I had the usual; and fries with a cold beer, but what can I say, i miss your cooking hun. Can't wait for you to get back." Of course this would be flowed with her response, whether it was a chuckle or a short response.
Over my impression is that you have some nice writing skills that with some more honing and directing could be great for dramatic/ action stories. I believe that you should tighten your sentences, they don't flow so well and that can kind of disrupt the reader from really getting into your story. It's good to reread your stuff out loud, to someone else or to yourself to hear how it actually sounds other than how it looks on the paper. With that said, i know i would be seeing more works from you in the future. Keep on writing my friend. Once you have the passion for it, i know you'll reach for higher heights.
P.S. It would be nice if you could read one of my pieces.As one writer to the other. :)
This is a sweet poem and I understand how you compared a weeping willow to a woman's heart. So nicely done. The piece was easy to read and simple, so nicely done with the flow as well. My favorite line is the last line which states "My weeping willow stands strong." I don't know but just the name weeping willow and then stating that it stands strong, bespeaks so much about the metaphor. For me, right there you perfectly captured the metaphor of this poem. So keep on writing my friend and I hope you can return the favorite with a review of my pieces as well. :)
You and your psychologically stimulating stories eh. hmmmm, lol. I had a mine (after reading your previous works) that the Timmy boy would be different than he appeared to be. I enjoyed this one as well. Keep writing my friend. Oh and don't forget chapter two of mine ok!
Boom! My gosh, this is a talented script and i'm loving the vibes. It was easy to read and so worth it! It also fits well with its title so you have indeed accomplished what you were working at. It is truly so easy to have a miscommunication when two people are on two different levels. How ironic that his son has an MBA in communication and yet he misunderstood where his father was coming from. That's to show how different one's perspective can be. Hey, it would be nice if you returned the favor and read a piece from my novel Sins of a Woman. That'll be really nice of you and i believe you'll enjoy it.
Ok, i really tried to understand what this poem was about but i was honestly totally lost. I believe that each poem should have a specific theme, as to keep the reader's attention and i was not sure what theme this poem had. So if you could get a theme for the poem will be good.
My imagination was really going here, i imagined myself in a beautiful paradise like scenery with waterfalls and sweet melodious music from the creation around me. Thanks for sharing, you really have talent because for so little words you already had my imagination going.
This reads like a nice sing along song and that is mad skills. I would have liked it to be a little longer though so it would be good if you could extend it to having like three verses or something. Then again the choice is yours but thanks for sharing, i enjoyed it!
the story has a nice touch to it, and i could see it becoming a great book. A few things is to sharpen the story more.
>Firstly, there's a part where it reads, grabbing her hand tenderly, grabbing is naturally associated with an almost rough or rigid motion, so the author can replace that part of the sentence with something more fitting.
>"And she had never been so happy with someone in her life" I believe the author was trying to say anyone.
>It's a wedding, so it would be nice to get that sense and to actually picture it. The author needs to draw the reader in with some visionary descriptions.
>The paragraph when the bride has walked up the isle and begins to reflects could be looked over. There's too much telling and not much showing. The readers would want to get a feel of seeing how things unfold rather than just hearing it. Even if the author would like to give a history, it should be brief as to not momentarily pull the reader away from the occasion that is occurring, which is the wedding. Possibly how the bride and broom met could suffice for that particular paragraph.
i loved it. absolutely loved the depth and the way it pulls you in with the profound use of words. this was really well done work. keep on writing. really enjoyed from start to finish.
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