I don't really want to call this a rant as you have, its poetic in a sense. I also found it mildly depressing, not sure if that was intended or just the way I take it.
Anyway thanks for sharing this, I don't have any suggestions as I feel this is too personal for there to be any suggestions.
I really enjoyed reading this piece as we all tend to forget to look to our future and end up living in the past. Our past does not define us, but so many of us end up believeing it does and get swept up in dwelling on our regrets.
Everyone should learn from their experiences in the past but not let them take over our future.
This looks like the perfect contest for everyone and anyone! I hope everyone at writing.com joins in for the fun! Thanks LegerDemented for starting this up and I hope you won't lose your mind reading all the posts and judging this!! :)
In the 4th paragraph you forgot to add a "TM" after the last sandwich artist. It is also not capitalized like the others. I know this is for fun but I couldn't help but point it out because it’s the paragraph where you aren't sure if you should add it or not! :)
Anyway, I didn't check for spelling or grammar errors because this seemed like it was more for fun (or being very bored at work?). Although for me it was informative as I am one of those that has never ordered from Subway! Instead I go to places with the premade subs and if you don't want something on it you can just say "no black olives please", so much easier than deciding the things I do want!
Great, fun & informative piece thanks for sharing this with the writing.com community! Maybe now if just one person (probably still not me) can be brave and order their sub... you've changed lives here! ;)
I thought this was really well written I feel like I know exactly how you were feeling and not just because I had to sit through my boyfriends younger sisters l-o-n-g play last year, which turned out to be quite good.
Anyway, side tracked there a bit, again its really nicely written. It's smart, it's funny and it's entertaining.
"Eyes are a fascinating subject to me." I find eyes to be very scary especially when its just the eyeball sitting there staring at me. I personally find this sculpture to be a little fitting for the holiday coming up. The only thing I would say about it, is that some of the eyeballs looked squashed.
All in all this is a very interesting piece. Good work.
Kelly
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As usual with your work I want to read more! This short story is really good it grabs the reader from the beginning!
My only very minor suggestion:
YOU WROTE:
“I fear it is only we in all the world.”
Suggestion:
“I fear it is only we in the entire world.” Its fine as is, but I just thought I’d share this.
Kelly
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I think this poem is very good. It tells the story very well. It reminds me of The Passion for some reason. Probably because the movie is fresh in my head. Its well written and I didn't find any spelling or grammar issues.
Kelly L Greene
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You wrote:
"“Are you still awake, me love?”"
Suggestion:
I'm not sure if this is how he's supposed to talk, or if it was just a typo. He says it twice I think and it just sounds a little odd...
I like the story although its a little sad. I believe you did a pretty good job developing the main character in such a short time.
Ha! Neat story! What an imaginative idea! I didn't notice any grammar or spelling errors. I really like it, but are we to believe that Randy Moss is still alive after 2030?
Anyway, I think this is a really fun story and an unique idea! Nice job!
Well you do use some punctuation, but I feel the poem could stand some "." or some "," in certain places to help the reader along. The poem it self is good and gives a feeling of a kind of anxiety.
HOW THIS POEM MADE ME FEEL: Well, this poem explains exactly how I have been feeling since losing my job 2 weeks ago. Life is way more chaotic than it needs to be! The poem actually makes me feel a little nervous and anxious.
OVERALL: The poem is very good, probably one of my favorites so far. Now I need to find the poem "Things will get better I promise!"
This is a very interesting poem. Its written really nicely and lets a person know that its ok to be alone. Sometimes, I think people feel they need to be in a relationship to be "normal" but with the more time that passes I think people are learning its ok to be by yourself too. But I also believe a person can be independant and enjoy (most of) the same things if they are in a relationship.
Here here. An excellent poem. Bravo. It reads really nicely and I think that the way its written is really creative. I love that you were brave enough to write and post this poem, and able to face any negative feedback it may or may not receive. GOOD WORK!
Well this is probably the longest poem I've read at writing.com! I really like how you have used writingML and how you have placed certain parts at different tabs (I'm sure there is a more technical name for that!) Really nice poem
This is an excellent poem. I'm not sure I'm reading it in the way it was meant to be read, but I find this to be a poem that is encouraging. I guess everyone can find meaning in a poem that may or may not have been intended.
The Technical Stuff: I noticed a few spelling errors "agonising" & "behaviour" are two examples but depending on where you live, I think behaviour is fine. I also thought there were a few places where I comma might come in handy..."I think they thought I resembled the invisible man underneath, believing like me in a fantasy rather than the harshness of reality." Now I think there should be a comma after "me" but I'm not sure its technically wrong as is... just when I read the sentence I tend to pause there. (that sentence is in the 3rd paragraph)
What I enjoyed: "So I'm pretty much cured, right?" (the fifth from last paragraph) I just had to mention this! What an interesting choice of words! "cured"
What needs a bit of work: Just go through reread and fix any spelling or grammar errors you may find.
On the whole: I like it, its a good story with a chilling ending! Unfortunately children really can be that cruel and it can stick with a person for the rest of thier life! Still, what a spooky ending!
I really enjoyed your poem. I don't know much about SAD but I believe your poem gave me a little more insight into the disorder
This was my favorite part:
Time is wrong, on some other than regular speed.
Not feeling the need to eat, check mail boxes,
A "when did I take a bath," physically beat.
It really fits many types of depression. I didn't especially like the ending, because I felt the Huey Lewis part didn't quite flow with the rest of the poem.
Kelly L Greene
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