This made me giggle...close encounter of the insectiod kind. My fav lines "I swing the weapon I’m wielding in a flurry probably four good times over the wingspan of the current threat to intellectual security" and " I see him begin to make the escape from Chateau Diet Pepsi". You have one itty bitty grammer oops in the first scentence...it is a fragment. Just remove the "and" to resolve... (sorry the editor in me popped out there.) Keep up the good work!
Interesting poem. While I appreicate the use of the 10 dollar words here (and the fact that you seem to actually KNOW what they mean) too many of them in a row can seem a bit pedantic. "Mind your mind, it's left to those in control patrons of hatred" is there some punctuation or a word missing, because I didn't quite get this line. Also "I pray for the day when I can breath as truth's manifestation ", I suspect you meant breathe, the verb and not breath the noun? I DO think you have a good start here, please keep working on it. (and as an aside, I tried to imagine the Cuervo-enhanced you trying to read the poem aloud and it made me giggle.) Keep up the good work!
Nice start here, and relevent. If this were spruced up a bit it would be right for a military magazine (not being affiliated with the military I have no clue which but Writers Market can help there.) That said, the poem needs some kind of "spice," something to make YOUR view different and say what others can't or at least not as well. Perhaps some kind of imagery, something concrete you can describe that will let us see the emotional. Its one thing to say "I am sad" and quite another to say "my heart echoes like an empty aircraft hanger, the memory of you like the missing planes."
This was intriguing. Not sure if the ending was a good one or a bad one though, knowing that some gifts given by the wee folk have some serious strings attached. Also the protagonoist's feelings towards the fairy "gift" were not clear...will he accept this Mary or reject it becauseof his fear? Might be a moral in there somewhere about not knowing how to communicate. Was the reader supposed to feel ambivalent?
Wow. Just, wow. Well-written and the little surprise (if it was intended to be one, anyway) of the narrator being the boyfriend was timed just right. I didn't feel like it was a carefully guarded secret like in some mystery novel, nor said for shock value. It was the natural time for such a thing to be made clear, and made me wonder just what it was that made me assume the narrator was female anyway? Not sure just what market this would be aimed at, but you need to start finding targets, because there isn't much i would change. It could stand alone, or be the start of a longer work.
This is a good start. I like the main character, mostly because she is not the shining heroine and has "issues," which make for a far more interesting story. The first 10 paragraphs or so could use a lot of condensing, as I was noticing a lot of short and choppy sentences, made the start a slightly slow go. You did a good job of introducing us to your "Utopia", but I thought, perhaps, a little less background and more action would have drawn me in quicker.
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