Okay I like the core of this story. It has the potential to be a very compelling story. First you should cover what is causing the stress of your character. Show examples. And also I don't know what a nicely furnished bed is. Rooms are furnished not individual pieces of furniture. Also the use of crappy in one paragraph for two different , not related objects is too much. Makes it seem like you have a shortage of words. And if there is nice furnishings in the basement , it's not a "crappy" basement. I think the paragraph that deals with killing of the kidnapper could be real interesting. However listing the ways she tortured him came across like a to do list, instead of a storytelling method. You could have introduced the fact that his house was in the middle of nowhere as ironic. I like the character. Love the idea of woman not being a ready made victim. And will think long and hard about kidnapping her and keeping her in my basement. I definetly think you have talent and a little homicidal rage, but hey who doesn't. Just try and delve a little deeper into the minds of your character.
p.s This is the highest rating I've given any story I've read here so far.
The writing style is a little confusing.The story was hard to follow I had to re-read paragraphs over and still didn't get the meaning of what you were trying to convey. In the third paragraph there doesn't seem to be a logical reason to describe what the narrator is wearing. It doesn't help move the story along. If your trying to let the reader know that your character is hip and trendy or unique. There are more subtle ways to do this. What you have is an itemized list of her wardrobe. The change in the narrators voice is inconsistent. At one point she sounds like she may be ancient and then the next paragraph she sounds like a dejected teen. Also the narration goes from I to she without any indication of a change of people telling the story. You have to let the reader fill in some blanks. Two mentions of the waxed floor in paragraph is to much. We know she passes out and therfore can conclude she hit the floor when it is stated that she hit recently "waxed wood (not wooden) floor. I suggest rewritng the story and focus on telling the story clearly and avoid so much attention to style. If vampires are you thing I suggest reading Anne Rice , not to model your charcters after, but she is masterful at telling a story and has just enough style to paint a rich colorful world to immerse the reader in.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.21 seconds at 8:24am on May 04, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
