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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kenton.v
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Review by Kenton Verhoeff
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
The story had depth, intrigue, and suspense. The style in which the story is written is among my favorites. I enjoy being dropped into the story, and letting it explain itself. I feel like that is becoming an increasingly popular style. I understand that this is a draft so I overlooked most mistakes, but there are a few things you should look into that might help.
present tense VS. past tense. I used to write in present tense like you, but after reading my own work like that, I found it confused me sometimes and took me out of the story (It did the same while reading your work). Example, every time you ended a thought with "I think". I had to reread to understand whether it was a part of the thought, or you standing that that was what the character was thinking. Once I switched to past tense, my stories became more clear and easier to understand. I only use present tense for thoughts now.
thoughts, all of them should be italicized and in present tense. you made it all in present tense, but not all of them were Italicized.
All that said, I loved the story. I was very interested, and I look forward to continuing the read.
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