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Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Kev The Green
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Good start. Since it's only the first chapter it's hard to comment too much, but:

Technical Corrections:
1. "in one of his guilt filled fazes" - fazes should be phases

2. "Sorry Mamma." She sighed. They were not meant to hurt." - It's unclear what "they" refers to.

3. ""Samuel?" He was here, somewhere." Is it Samuel or Samson? I notice later Kelly asks about him as Samson.

4. "Kelley stood and waved her over to their corner table." Kelly

5. ""She can't drink, so is the designated driver." I'd replace the "is" with "she's"

6. "The pounding rain, she heard before she even opened it." It's unclear what "it" refers to.

Other thoughts: I'm a little unclear on how old Jackie is. In the scene with Sam she thinks about not having been home in three years; but she seems to have graduated college already. Did she visit after going away to college or did she graduate early? I'm also unsure about Sam's age, but from the car comment he appears to be 16.

Also, the setting is unclear. I'm assuming that the "City" is Cincinnati, but I don't think that it's made clear she works in the same city where she went to college. That would imply that her hometown, which appears to be named Willow Creek is in Ohio also. But, I don't believe this was established either.

Figured both of these points were worth mentioning, but they're more things to look back at after the manuscript is done that to worry about now.

Kev
2
2
Review by Kev The Green
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Off to a good start. You include a lot of unexplained references in the first scene; I assume you know where this is going, so I'll reserve judgement on how well it ties together. Anyway:

1."The sound of pounding hoof beats" I'm pretty sure hoofbeats is one word.

2."dug in his heals" heels

3."clutching the its course mane." the or its, either one

4. I'd balance out the first two paragraphs instead of having a one-line second paragraph. Actually, you might want to look at paragraph length in general.

5. "Just as he entered the Dark Forest" Is Dark Forest supposed to be capitalized?

6. "The collision with the cold hard ground alone would have been enough to force the air from his lungs, but it was assured by the sharpened piercing pain in his wounded shoulder." "it" is a pronoun. Not sure what noun is being referred back to. Might be better to use "that" instead.

7. "He could actually feel his body weakening more with each passing second. I have to get this situation turned around and quick." The "I have" should probably be a "He had".

8. I notice you don't specify the country/continent where this is taking place. Unless you have a good reason for not doing so, it might be a good idea to specify the location along with the opening date. Also, you might as well specify date and location instead of the "#". It's not like you would be giving away an important secret. (Unless of course the location is a spoiler.)

Well, that's pretty much all I noticed. Looking forward to the next chapter.

Kev
3
3
Review of People Person  
Review by Kev The Green
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Overall, good job. There's a problem with the rating, but I E-mailed you separate about that.

It seems a little odd that she was able to get by so easily without taking her meds, but that's a minor quibble.

It also could use a little editing. For example: "I was not usually one to care for neat and tidy, as I could to make quite a mess myself. " "could to make" should probably be " could make". Although, that's not the only way to make it read smoother.

Kev
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