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Review by KezP
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Disclaimer - I'm not a fan of fantasy / paranormal, so you can take my review in that light.

Overall, it wasn't a bad story. The dialogue was realistic

I felt the description of clothing needs to be integrated more - it felt very articial.

Some of the sentence structures felt a bit awkward and I had to read them several times to get the meaning. For example, "With a gasp at the suddenness that the man had appeared before her," and "He took out the spectacles from his pocket that he so rarely used," - is it the pocket that's rarely used or the spectacles? "His words, sharp as before but made all the more menacing by the gleam in his eye came out."

Overall, I think it could be a good story if you tighten it up and make things clearer. Perhaps reading the story out load will help you highlight some of the structure problems.

Good luck with your writing!

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KezP
2
2
Review by KezP
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Overall, I liked your story. The characters are well drawn for a short - I like how you have given us the information about them without dumping it in one description block.

I did find one section that jarred me out of the story slightly - the repetition of the word 'girth' in the description of Rebekah Hart. "The doors had been specially designed and built to provide for her massive girth, and even so it was a snug fit. Nearly seven feet tall and almost the same girth.." That's my opinion only - others may not notice.

Your dialogue was well done and suited the style of the piece. I liked the concept of an cross-cultural alien matchmaker.

Great job. Even though I'm not a science fiction fan, it was an enjoyable read.


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