This line however, "But all I see is a reflect of me" you can probably say 'reflection' instead of just 'reflect'. I think it would make more sense if you did that, but it might just be me.
I think this is a very good poem, I think that it is very well writen. You have a real talent I think. I did see one spot that could use some cleaning up but thats all.
"Afraid she will end up dead" the flow is thrown off a little bit here, it might help if you had 'she'll' instead of 'she will'.
Oh wow, I understand what you are trying to convey here, but it is extremely wordy!
"It's irresponsible to say something and it is beyond agianst this woman's religion to say that." Reread this line carefully, I don't think 'against' needs to be in there. there are several lines like this that either have too many words or have words left out.
I know from experience that when you want to get a point across, you tend to put lots of words you think you need. But it just confuses the reader, you want to make complex thoughts as simple as possible. Well maybe simple isn't the right word...
You don't want to have something so complex and then add to its complexity with unneeded words.
Maybe if you had a friend proof read this for you, it will help you clean it up a bit.
I do think that it's a good point you are trying to bring across though.
First off, welcome to Writing.com! This is a really awesome site and can be very helpful. We are all here to help eachother become better writers, that is what this place is all about.
I truly understand your poem. I think everybody goes through that phase of wanting to come into their own. It's just hard for parents to let go of their children. It's very frustrating especially if they try to live their dreams through us, but once we're older and have kids of our own we will eventually understand what was going through our parents head.
Your poem seems to be written from pure frustration, and the need to be heard. I do think that has good potential, but it needs a lot of cleaning up. I don't think you once capitalize 'I' and there are a lot of spelling mistakes.
Maybe after a while you will be able to take a step back and be able to look at your writing more clearly and be able to fix it up some. It seems though that you just needed to get this out of your system which is very understandable.
It definitely helps to write out your feelings, especially when they relate to someone close to you. If you ever need help with any of your writing or just need to talk, feel free to email or IM me. I'll always be around, even if you don't know me very well. This is a pretty tight community, and we all try to help eachother the best we can.
Anyway, welcome again and I hope you have a great time here! Keep on writing!
This is really good, however it seems somewhat unfinished. Like you want to say more but can't find the right words. I don't know, maybe its just me. Anyway, I think you have something really good here, and it really captured some true emotions!
I really like your poem, it really captures the spirit of life.
one thing I found that could help the flow of it though is if you made this line "A smile passed that is true." 'that's' instead of 'that is'. It seems to flow more smoothely without 'that is' in it. But it's still a great poem anyway!
That was pretty crazy! But it definitely seems something like that could actually happen. You were definitely able able to capture the feeling of the woman in such a small amount of words.
The only thing that actually got me a little was the italics and the regular font. I know the italics were for thoughts, but they were kind of hard to follow. My only suggestion would be to clean it up a bit with the thoughts. Otherwise it was awesome!
This is pretty interesting. I think all you need to do now is re-read it or have someone edit it for you. There aren't any major mistakes just some minor grammar and spelling errors.
Are you going to add anymore?
I am really confused about your story. What exactly is going on with the main characters and what are King Rats?
There were also a couple of places where you had repeated words like:
"She was only 5'4 110 lbs but SHE COULD ALREADY COULD..."
I think that there is one more place where this happens, but I lost where it was.
there are also some mistakes when you forget to capitalize "i". Also, when you have dialog, each person should have their own paragraph when speaking. It makes it less confusing and easier to figure out who is talking.
Everything goes so fast in your story I can't really keep up, if you clean it up a bit it will help anyone who is reading it. Maybe you could also add some background to the characters, say what they are and how they got there.
Anyway, I would really like to read more of your story, it would just help me understand it better if it was cleaned up.
Nice, this flows really well, good job! Poetry can be very hard to write sometimes without the right insperation. It seems like you must have found your muse.
There were just a couple of places where the flow seemed to be off a little bit. But other than that it seems to be pretty good.
Wow! This is very profound. I hope this isn't how you really feel, but if it is I hope you somehow find your way back to the surface. Whether you realize it or not, there will always be someone there to pull you out, you just need to have hope.
And if you need to talk to someone feel free talk to me, I know I've had those feelings before as well.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.24 seconds at 10:23am on May 07, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
