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Review of Raindrops Ch.1  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* hey Pet Roc *Flower3* *Flower3*

Greetings. I saw your story on the request a review page and stopped in for a read and review. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What impressed me with this story is some of the essential elements of storywriting. I think you have the beginnings of an impressive story here. What first struck me was the attention to detail. I really felt as though I was traveling with your character as he ventured through the dunes and uncovered a few treasures. Well done! I could envision the dunes in my mind...tasty the dry wind and the grit of the sand. Nice!

I think you constructed your scenes with thoughtfulness and strategy. The action was well done and moved the plot along. Your solider was purposeful and meticulous. You've have given the reader clues and insight into his motivations and even some of his conflicts, so good job with characterization thus far.

You story isn't without issues, however. But they are all easy to address if you choose. As is said, earlier, this has potential. And you're off to a good start but it need polishing and refining. You have some of the pizzazz down. In other words, your creative ability shines, the mechanics of writing needs work.

With that said, I would first encourage you to consider indenting your paragrpahs and placing spaces between each paragraph. The mountain of text is a bit daunting on the eyes. Readers need a break and the spaces not only allow us to breath and refresh but also presents your work in a more polished and professional light.

Next is to attend to all the adverbs. I challenge you to rewrite your sentences without al the 'ly' adverbs. Ask your self what the adverbs bring to your sentences. Do they add much description or give more insight? You might use more words in the place of an adverb but it will add more life, color and pizzazz to the sentence. Adverbs create laziness in our writing. Just a thought for you to consider.


"its holder carrying it as much for support on the slippery dune as he did just to carry it." Some of your sentences have repetitive use of words. Here you used carry and then carrying...perhaps try and find a replacement. It's vital that you make every word count. Each word should be like a dagger thrown by a marksman. As its slicing through the air and hits its mark...it should move the plot along and give insight into the theme, plot, conflict and characterization.



Whenever and object of decent quality was found it was placed in a pile. Mostly, the objects were pieces of bronze silverware and clay and porcelin plates (you mis spelled porcelain}.
In the above example, make sure you use the correct context of the word. I think you meant 'an.' Then you need a little work on comma placement. I felt the need for pause after 'found.' and then remove the 'and' after silverware and replace with a comma. I think you could omit the adverb 'mostly' . What is it offering to the sentence?

He said, imitating a young child. Inside the cabinet was the gleam of metal, the prospect of which made Raphael's skip a beat. Here you seem to be missing a thought. What made Raphael skip a beat?


Like a phantom, the wind moaned through to windows and the steps continued. Moan is a great descriptive word. It brings an energy and color to the sentence. However, the sentence is missing something.

Fear seized Raphael's heart, he had no idea what could be lurking outside. Just a little issue with mechanics. These are two complete sentences. Therefore, using a comma makes it a run on. Try a period instead of a comma.


These are minor in the scheme of things. This does have grand potential! I think you have a energy in your writing. You bring a freshness and appeal to your descriptions and details. The action and characterization are off to a great start. And the end of chapter one is intriguing. For i thought this may have been a story written in the biblical times...it had that essence to it...but then he parted in a flying machine. Nice, unexpected...intriguing.

I hope this has been useful to you. Thanks for allowing me the pleasure of reading the beginning of this fantasy story where the author has shown some substance and pizzazz in the writing and the story has piqued my interest but needs a little polishing and refining.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3* Kjo just groovin *Flower3*



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Review of Wicked Thoughts  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
(center}*Flower3**Flower3*Hey BLanghinrichs *Flower3**Flower3*{/center}

Greetings! I saw your item on the Request a review page and stopped in for a read and review.I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know any suggestions I might make are in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Well let me first say this was well written and there were moments of humor and comic undertones which had me cracking a smile here and there. Some of your lines where clever and I can appreciate that aspect.

The problem I had isn't really your problem as an author. But it really irks me when I read something and I just don't get it..And I just didn't get it. Again, it isn't anything you did or didn't do, its just I'm not sure what who these people are, if I should know who they are or if they are part of a piece you've written before and thus a continuation.

I will say you constructed your scene very well and your protagonists, for such a short item, is clear in my mind, so your characterization was good. He doesn't appear to be a stand-up, average guy with normal thoughts. Or maybe he is, because after all, women don't really know what a guy is thinking. *Bigsmile*

This seems like a vignette to me...a skit so-to-speak, but I was a bit confused because there's no history and no conflict for the character to overcome, no dialogue, and so I found it difficult to connect to your character or to care about his thoughts, desires or actions.

But I again, I'm not faulting you for the fact I had not a clue what I just read. On a positive note, it was clever and a bit witty and your humor was humorous and those are all vital elements to good story writing.

I'm not going to rate this based on the fact I didn't get it. And i have no suggestions...it is what it is. I hope this has been useful. Thanks for sharing this unusal yet evocative piece.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*{Kjo just groovin*Flower3*


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228
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Flower3**Flower3*Hey 4eyedbird *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! I saw your story on the request a review page and I stopped into say hello, and of course, to leave a review. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What I liked about this story is it has this deep reflective essence to it. I like the fact your theme is thought-provoking. The 'meaning of life' or trying to uncover an "understanding about 'the big question' always makes for a great theme of a story.

i think you have pretty good characterization, though I feel...until that your character may be a little reserved and holding back a bit and this may be because...he searching for something he isn't sure of until closer toward the end of the story.

I think you have a good story here with the potential to be even better. One aspect I of your writing I felt is holding your story back is the heavy reliance on adverbs. There are far too many for even for a story of 29kb. "ly" adverbs tend to create a laziness in our writing. I think if you ask yourself what does an adverb offer to the support of your sentence, most often you can just omit it without losing anything and even, make the sentence more effective. We use them because its easier to say lovely or slowly or quietly than it is to say...she moved with a slow and deliberate step.

In fact, I challenge you to not just omit the adverbs but find more creative ways to rewrite the sentence. which may give added insight into characterization, action or dialogue.

I copied some of them : menacingly, hardly, intently, contentedly, animatedly , directly, unfortunately, carefully, indifferently, quickly, completely, haphazardly, good-naturedly, ineffectively, stubbornly, slowly, comely, hardly, flamboyantly, precisely, obviously.

Also, you might want to use spellcheck...i saw a couple of misspelled words but when i went back to find then,...i lost sight of them, sorry,.

The only other suggestions I have is the formatting. it would be so much easier on the eyes if you would consider placing spaces between your paragraphs and indenting the first sentence of each paragraph too. its a little less daunting to the reader plus it looks more polished and professional.

Don't get discouraged...I like your story. There is substance and it's 'essence' is refreshing,. It needs a little polishing but not much!

i hope this has been useful. Thanks for letting me stay awhile.

Write on and then write on some more!


*Flower3*Kjo just groovin[e:flower3}



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Review of If only  
Rated: E | (4.0)
{e:size:4}*Flower3**Flower3* Hey ~a nice girl *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in to say hello, and of course, leave a review. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know any suggestions I might make are in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

You have many good elements of effective story writing in this item. I could sense the emotion...the longing the sorrow, the despair. There are many uses of language that are appealing: such as: "Sometimes silence can tell you more than words. As it is the only witness of your pain, your tears, your sorrow." Well done and effective. As is " After all these long months full of loneliness, days full of pain, hours full of tears, minutes full of despair she deserved the right to feel weak. She deserved a relief. } Again, well done.


I got a pretty good sense of your character and I felt her pain...and I also cheered her on...to overcome that moment when she feels like jumping off the building...I hope she chooses life.

In other words...your story helped the reader to connect to your character. We carer about what happens. This means you were effective in your characterization...though this was very short. Well done.

I think the events and the action that move the story along were well constructed...believable.

I do have some suggestions. This needs a little polishing to make it shine as you intended. but nothing major...easy to address if you choose. For instance...you should always capitalize the 'i'' even if it is in the confines of dialogue.

Also, there are a few places where your sentences are heavy and don't flow as easy as they should. Laden with wordiness. For instance, you wrote: She hardly could sleep since he had gone. How could she sleep if he was not there." This sentence seems a little repetitive in its thought and a little wordy. Perhaps: "She hasn't slept since that day.. not really, a few hours here and there. But for the most part...her nights have been filled with thoughts of losing him. " Well, you get my point...you might use more words...but it adds a more drama to the situation and more insight to the character's state of mind. Sometimes it's best to keep it simple rather then trying to be clever with the construction of your sentences. *Wink*

It's always best to choose your words carefully and make every one count. You want them to be like daggers...steadily hitting their intended mark.

This has grand potential. You have the substance, the theme, the plot...the character who is suffering with both internal and external conflict we want to see her overcome. So this is all good, it just needs a little polishing.

I hope this has been useful. Thanks for letting me stay awhile.

Write on and then write on some more!


*Flower3* Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


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Review of The Premonition  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3*Hey Thayamax *Flower3**Flower3*



Greetings! I saw your story on the request a review page and stopped in for a read. Thank s for inviting me in. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know any suggestions I make are in the spirit of encouragement with the intent sahring one reader's perspective.

I think you have a believable story here. I've heard twins have an uncanny ability to
predict or 'see' danger with their twin. I think your story was well written and engaging.

You constructed your scenes very well which moved the plot along. The pace was about right and the read was pretty smooth. We don't learn a lot about the characters of your story but the 'theme' is more based on the events or the event so with a story this short, deeper characterization isn't necessary.

I do have just two small suggestions. Nothing major and your way isn't wrong. I just wanted to point out staying consistent in 'sentence structure'. For instance you wrote: The soft glow chases away the remnants of panic clinging to me like the beads of sweat that cover my body. A shiver surges through me as tears pool in the corners of my eyes, threatening to spill onto my face." To stay consistent with the 'flow' of the sentence, perhaps you want to change 'cover' to covering...so it reads: "...clinging to me like the beads of sweat covering my body..."

And the other observation I have is to watch your adverb 'ly' use.I saw about five...which may not seem like a lot...but for this short of a story...its about four too many. I challenge to to go back through and rewrite your sentences without the adverbs. You might use more words in it's place...but the sentence will be more effective without it.

Otherwise, I thought this was over all, a good read. I think you captured the essence of a 'nighmarish' dream and the reactions to one very well. It was a bit of a surprise...so much happened at the end of a story. After the fire, I wasn't expecting the plane to crash after all...so nice use of twist and the element of surprise.

You're off to a great start. This has potential to be even better with a little polishing. I hope this has been helpful.

Write on and then write on some more.

*Flower3*Kjo just goovin *Flower3*


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Review of A Moral Dilemma  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Flower3**Flower3*Mari Promotes Contest *Flower3**Flower3*



Greetings Mari! Thanks for visiting my port. this is a 'pay it forward review' I hope you find my comments helpful and please know any suggestions i make are in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Overall what a poignant story. Simple yet not simplistic. A solid story with a strong message and well written.

Your young character epitomizes what all our young adults should be: College-minded, of high moral standing with respect to his parents and to not afraid to stand strong in his beliefs. After all, they were "really beautiful women" and he is a young man with raging hormones *Bigsmile*

Over all...I could envision this little house with the strong woman who raised her son with just the memory of her dead husband .. it seems she raised him right and he will do right by her, God and his community.

Your story though small, speaks volumes and I appreciate it's deeper meanings.
I saw nothing I would suggest changing. I hope this has been useful.

Thanks for the pleasure of reading this little gem of a story with heart.

Write on and then write on some more.

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin*Flower3*


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232
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*Flower3*[e:flower3}Hey Joy *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! I'm back in your port Joy there's so much to choose from. Oh, you're are receiving this review as part of our WDC Week-end Power Raid.

I hope you find my comments useful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I can appreciate this touching story of A father's muleheadedness. They do hate to see their daughters go especially when men they don't approve of.

I love how you surrounded Amber's return to the turmoil of the storm and the Season of Autumn with its crisp wind a blowing and faraway 'thin' sun. Your vivid descriptions and rich word choices brought to my mind this home and your characters. And though I know little of Amber other than her red-hair...I feel like I understand her and why she felt she need to go and experience life.

Overall this was a poignant story, well written and a delight to read. If I have one observation it would be...the first portion of your story seemed fragmented to me. As if the transitions from one thought, scene or action did move as smooth as they could. And perhaps, it was intentional, do show the 'fragmented' emotions of the father and the 'fragment' choices we make when we are young.

Anyway, this was a joy to read. Such a small story with a big heart. Excellent details and descriptions and a sensory delight.

Thank for allowing me the pleasure of reading this charming story.

Write on and then write on some more!


*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


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233
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3*Hey Diane *Flower3**Flower3*



Greetings! You're receiving this review as part of the Week-end raid from WDC Power. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.


You have a solid story here. Good use of constructing a scene which moved the plot of the story along. Nice pace, easy to read and follow. A simple story but not simplistic.

Your characters were a bit odd and peculiar, I suppose, there are fellas out there who believe, in their own mind, they are Santa's helpers. Haha. But really, your story had a strong underlying message and I liked the supplicational references.

Oft times, its diminutive stories such as this that are big on messages though they seem insignificant. This simple story, indeed, had a poignant message that didn't just bite you...it was subtle and indirect and yet, purposeful and profound in it's own way...but Jack Daniels *Wink* Which just proves...angles really do appear to us in forms we would most likely believe.

You story was set in a place most can relate to at a time when we are all rushing about mad-like, which also helped to support your theme and make your characters seemed believable.

I saw nothing I would suggest changing. I hope this has been useful.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


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Review of Squirrel Hunting  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
{e:flower3]*Flower3*Hey Legerdemain *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! You're receiving this review as part of the WDC Power Raid Week-end. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know any suggestions I make are in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I don't know what's more comical...the thought of a pregnant you stuffed inside a snow suit rolling down a dirt hill or a mangled up squirrel or what's left of a squirrel...good shooting *Bigsmile* I mean geez...it's not like a squirrel is big game...just where is the bullet suppose to hit without blowing it to smithereens?

Gee talk about a way to annoy a husband. Sounds like fun to me. haha. *Bigsmile*

Is this true or where you just making it up for a chuckle or two and for the sake of good storytelling? Who eats squirrel anymore? *Shock*

I enjoyed your story. It was great fun to read, full of laughs and surprises and a few shocks...what does the perfect pee tree look like? haha *Laugh* I will need a description for next time I enter the woods.

I thought this was well written and I only saw one little typo... "he snatched to gun from me to save it from damage. " I bet you meant 'the' instead of to' *Wink*

Gee, just a little testy are we? It's like he was having hormone issues too. *Bigsmile*

Anyway...this was a fun little story...great for a few out loud laughs. Thanks for sharing this entertaining and easy to read story on the lighter side of squirrel hunting. *Bigsmile*

Write on and then write on some more!


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Review of A Family Lost  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3*Hey dianne *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! I saw your story on the request a review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What a tragic story. You kept me glued to every word hoping against all hope nothing bad was going to happen to those kids and then praying Mom would be able to save the day even with her MS.

It was not to be and so your story was touching and mom was so courageous and Dad, wow, maybe it was just a bad dream and when he wakes up his family will really be eating the fried eggs.

Over all, i thought this was well written. Each scene was well constructed which moved the plot along. There was emotion and drama and action, so well done. It was easy to connect to the characters and care about what happened next.

This is was of those stories that tugs at your heart strings. It was sad and tragic and I really wanted to cheer mom as she found that internal fortitude to find her babies and take them to safety.

The only observation I have is to challenge you to go back though your story and rewrite the sentences without the 'ly' adverb which hold your sentences back from being as effective as they could be. Adverbs can be useful once in a while, but most of the time our sentences are more effervescent and colorful without them. I didn't copy them all, but here are a few I copied from your short story.
quickly, slightly, rhythmically, Frantically, For instance, you wrote "Suddenly, she lost her footing, " How could you rewrite 'suddenly which may add more insight into the character and into the action? Perhaps: ' As she was wading through the water she lost her footing, distraught yet determined, she forced herself to fight the currents. With each frantic step she sensed the water getting deeper then without warning she felt herself slip, she hit her knee on a rock and was struggling to keep her head above water.... Just some thoughts for you to ponder. But do you see how adding more description creates more drama and gives more insight into the scene.

Otherwise, I thought this was a great story, emotional, dramatic and tragic. You did a great job with action and with getting the reader to care and connect with the characters.

I hope this has been helpful. Thanks for sharing this wonderful poignant, sorrowful
story of a very courageous mom who didn't let her MS get in the way of trying to save her kinds.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin*Flower3*


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Review of Mistaken Identity  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Nomar *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! I saw your story on the request a review page. Thanks for inviting me in. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I think your case of mistaken identity helped to make your story effective. It keeps the reader in suspense until his true self was revealed. Write on!

Too, you did a great job of setting the scene and the plot moved along at a nice pace. Each scene you constructed, brought the reader's closer to resolution. Your characterization was surface level but for this short of story it was more about what was hidden as opposed to any conflict the characters were trying to overcome. But, if your were ever to consider lengthening the story, you'd want to add depth to the characterization so the reader can identify and connect.

You did a fine job of describing the events as they were happening. The action/reaction and little mannerisms helped to authentic, so well done.

One observation I have is to perhaps consider reformatting somewhat so your paragrpahs are longer. I say this because the two-three sentences per paragraph, make the read a bit choppy and abrupt in some places. Just a thought for you to consider.


The last observation is to watch your adverb use. You've done a good job of adding mannerisms that make your characters life-like but you could omit the 'ly' words and add even more characterization. You wrote "Barely audible, Barely audible, he asked, no commanded for her to accompany him to a spot where darkness ruled." But ask yourself what are you saying with 'barely?" Would your meaning be more explicable and effective if you were to say. perhaps: "Under his breath, he asked, no commanded...," or : In a whisper resounding in magnetism, he asked, no commanded...'*Bigsmile* ok, that might not be the right words...but you get my point. *Wink*


Overall you have a nice twist to the usual stalker...I don't want to give it away in a public review. *Wink*
It was suspenseful and a bit creepy and, as far as I can see, error free. Write on! Your protagonist blended in with the rest which in itself is a bit creepy but this also means, the author did a fine job of keeping the reader quessing.

I hope this has been helpful. Thanks for sharing this story.

Write on and then write on some more!


*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*

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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Flower3**Flower3*Hey Debbie Cinkan *Flower3**Flower3*



Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read and review. Thanks for inviting me in and for sharing this story! I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.


There was such a sweetness to this story. The innocence of your two characters was refreshing!

I think you did a fantastic job of making their 'attraction' to each other believable. Their love @ first sight was a pleasure to read and it seemed authentic! *Wink*

I could sense their anticipation and the joy as they prepared for their date.

The dialogue was age-appropriate but I felt you could make it more meaningful. And I suspect you will, since this is the first chapter of more to come.

I do have some suggestions. First I wanted to say your opening paragraph is a bit wordy and there is a little repetitiveness. You have a good start it just needs a little polishing. For example, you wrote:
The snow covered the ground and tree tops, as Emily walked out the front door and down towards the sidewalk. She had put on her boots and her winter coat, and completed it with a bright red hat. She walked towards the local store, thinking about
how boring her life was, and how she needed something to spice it up. She looked at her footprints, and sighed and walked up the driveway towards the corner drugstore, careful not to slip on the icy ground. She opened the door, and the bell rang as she stamped her
snow covered boots on the welcome mat.

I think you could cut down on some of the words and the use of 'toward' is a bit redundant. Perhaps: Emily crunched through the snow covering the ground and smiled at the loveliness of the snow covered tree tops. She was glad she'd bundled up with her winter coat, and boots finishing it off with her favorite bright red hat. She let out a deep sigh, feeling restless; her life seemed so boring! She was careful with her steps; the sidewalk was a bit icy as she trudged through the snow making her way to the drugstore. When she reached the welcome mat, she stomped her feet and listened for the chime of the bell as she walked through the door. I think this helps with the wordiness and the repetitive use of words. It's best to make every word count. And I think it allows the reader to envision the scene a little easier because its a bit more show than tell.


Here, there is just a few punctuation issues. he smiled, and sipped his coke, and couldn’t take his eyes off of her, he had seen her before, he had gone to school with her, she had always had her nose buried in a book. I would replace the comma after 'his eyes off her' to a period. Begin another sentence with He had and then replace the comma after before with a period and begin another sentence with He'd gone to school..." those are complete sentences and with the comma, become runon sentences.



She sighed and turned off the shower, as the heat was depleting from it. {/c:green} This sentence is a bit awkward amd simplistic. Perhaps: She sighed turning off the shower which was now more cold than hot. Well, something like that... a bit more complex perhaps?

Her wardrobe was bland, and not full of designed clothing. The 'designed' might work better as 'designer's labels or designer's clothes. ?

he was as sweet as he was handsome. His eyes seemed to penetrate every cell in her body, Here perhaps penetrate every cell of her body, seems a bit peculiar. Perhaps, penetrate every nerve in her body, or every inch of her body. ?


She felt a breath[e] leave her chest, and her stomach get the feeling of butterflies, This sentence is a little awkward. Perhaps "She breathed in deep hoping to exhale some of her nervousness. Her stomach was dancing with anticipation and with attraction.

And then finally, the other observation I have is to watch your adverb use. You've used quite a few for such a short story. Editors do frown on excessive use of adverbs. Ask yourself, what do the 'ly' adverbs add to your sentence? Do they describe with effectivenss? I challenge you to go back through and not just omit them but reword them using words which will add more life and color to a word. For instance: She stepped into the shower, and began to wash herself,[.] Her mind was absorbed with the upcoming date,[.] She leaned against the wall in the shower and let the hot water pour on her[,][.] With her eyes closed, she scrubbed hoping to wash away the the nervousness over the upcoming date. Just thoughts to ponder.

Here are some of the adverbs. I didn't copy them all, some you used more than once.
shyly, briefly quickly, quickly, desperately,gladly, softly, unmistakably, absolutely

Over all, I enjoyed this story. It needs a little polishing but for the most part, it engaging and appealing. I think your characters are coming along fine! I do like the sweetness and the innocence of this young blossoming love! I look forward to reading more!

I do hope this has been useful. Thanks you for the pleasure of reading and reviewing.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin*Flower3*

"Invalid Item" 
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Review of Breaking Point  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3*Hey AmazingHolly *Flower3**Flower3*



Well I guess I can say Welcome back to the human race then Jenny! *Bigsmile* Gee, a collector with a heart, now that's an oxymoron. *Bigsmile*

Greetings! I saw your story on the request a review page and stopped in for a read and review. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

You know, I enjoyed your story. It was well written. There was this external conflict within Jenny and you constructed your scenes with events moving the plot along helping Jenny change and evolve. We identified with her because she was believable as a character. You made her care about some of the people she was harassing. *Wink*

I thought the story moved along at a nice pace and the the flow was smooth from one transition to the next. Jenny's self-talk and her dialogue with 'celery' her dog, seemed normal and believable. Your characters were real people with real issues. So well done.

I felt I'd like to know a little more about Jenny. How old is she? Where did she come from? Ever married? Just the dog for ten years? But perhaps this would only be necessary if you decided to lengthen the story.

Overall, well done. The story was contemporary. Many people do hate their jobs...I'm glad she did something, because whining about how much you hate something without doing anything about it gets old. Yeah, a character that took action!*Wink*

I do have one observation: It seems in the following sentence just a few unnecessary words...easy enough to fix. must be the most be one of the most hated

AS far as grammar and the mechanics of writing...good and solid. There was a spunk and energy to your writing that was refreshing. But I do offer you two challenges. The first one is to go back through you story and omit all the 'ly' adverbs and rewrite the sentences to add more effective descriptions.

It's a trap we fall into but 'ly' words don't add much description to the words they're meant to modify. It creates laziness in our writing. I copied some of them. Oft times, just being made aware of how many we use, helps us to avoid them. Besides, and most important, Editors frown on them. *Wink*

Here are some, some you used more than once, I didn't copy those: blearily, soundly, Unfortunately, Apparently, genuinely, desperately, particularly, obnoxiously, cheerily, exactly, happily, obviously... For instance, you wrote: He grinned sheepishly at Carrie... ." You could rewrite this to: A grin spread over his face and with raised eyebrows winked at Carrie as if to say, you fool, don't you know I'm indispensable. " Yes, you're using more words, but they are saying more and gives insight into the character. Just a thought for you to ponder.

And the next challenge I'd like to pose you...try rewriting this in third person, rather than first. It's not wrong to write in first person. The trend is, most editors prefer third person. It does change the perspective and it does add a bit more interest. Try writing: Another sleepless night—what else is new, she thought as she cracks one eye open. Then squints at the time on the clock: five-twenty-five. Almost time to get up and get ready for another torturous day at work. She pull's herself upright and looks over at her companion. He’s sleeping soundly, as always. Jenny smiles while scratching behind his ears. He rumbles in his sleep but otherwise doesn’t move, until—

Well, you get my point. I'm not saying your story is wrong...I'm just offering you a different way of approaching it.

Overall, this was enjoyable. You did a superb job of inciting emotion in to the reader and making you character life-like. The conflict served her well and it was great to see resolution where the character made a decision and acted on that decision. Awesome!

Thank you for letting me stay awhile. I hope this has been helpful.


Write on and then write on some more.

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin*Flower3*
239
239
Review of The Interview  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey October *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! I saw your story on the Shameless Plug page and stopped in for a read and review. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions, if any, in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

You story has grand potential!

Your writing is fine except for a few little roadblocks which I'll point out in a minute. It's the substance of the story which is lacking believability and energy. I say this because, while the plot is feasible and contemporary, the elements of short story writing which are essential to it overall effectiveness, needs a little more work. There is a consistent theme which seems to be over-indulgence and self-absorbed boredom yet, the plot never fully presents itself and so their is no resolution.

I realize part of the plot had to do with the sensationalism of the newspaper story but it didn't seem to have any effect on the young couple but embarrassment. They became a 'laughing stock' and yet, how did it affect their lives? Did it make them physically and mentally sick? Did it make them suicidal? Did it the story cause them to lose the ability to earn future income? The reader needs some kind of change or evolution or deliverance in order to feel connected to the characters. They are a little shallow. We need mannerisms and body language and action from the characters, even some dialogue. We need some drama, mystery, suspense...a reason to be engaged and to enlist our emotions.

The characteristics you present are not redeeming. And this isn't necessarily bad, but why are they so self-satisfied/absorbed? They whine and drink and lope around, seeming bored and trifling without goals or desires or dreams...not even some misadventures. They need some life. All they do is bath and drink and smoke and put on appearances on how the rich and elite live.

The setting is a hotel room. Why? Are they on vacation? On their honeymoon? Or do they just live in a hotel because they can and because of room service? This could be more explicable. The reader needs a little history.

The conflict you present the reader is on a surface-level external and internal yet, the charcters don't evolve or change they just run away. So it's difficult for the reader's to care about them.

Also, the pace of the story is a bit slow and meandering, like there was no thought in how to construct the next scene which should move the plot along to resolution. So it makes for a rough read rather than smooth. This has potential! Don't give up and Please don't think I'm being harsh. I'm just offering one opinion and hoping to provide a little constructive advice on how to improve. You wouldn't believe how the reviews and advice of other's made me a better writer.

You have moments when you've committed to your writing and thus kept the reader engaged, and then moments when your writing is a bit wordy and repetitive.

For instance:"But as similar as the couple’s positions are while the woman is completely relaxed, the handsome man has a certain tenseness about him that makes his mouth thin and his hand clutch tightly around the ice-filled tumbler he holds." This is a bit wordy. Ask yourself what are you saying and is every word as effective as possible. You could rewrite this to say: While they mirrored each other in their positions, the woman was relaxed and the man was tense which was reflected in the tight lips and firm grasp of his hand around the tumbler. You're saying the same thing with less words.

For example, she laid her head back in such a manner as to convey to all that had not a care in the world. The previous sentence is an example of telling rather than showing. it's important to be as descriptive as possible so the reader can envision it in their mind. 'in such a manner' is vague. Show us. Perhaps: "She laid her head back; her eyes starring, void of any motivation other than to categorize the various textures in the lackluster paint of the ceiling. " ok, you might not like my words, but you get my point. Showing is always better than telling. *Wink*

The following sentence is a bit wordy.

"Then with a realization that hit him so hard he felt as if a train had hit him he recognized the man" Once he recognized the man, all the color drained from his face and anger flashed in his eyes." 'train' is a bit of a cliche. You can be more descriptive and characterize at the same time.

The following sentence seems a bit awkward to me. Just needs a little TLC *Wink* After the mandatory period of feigned grief James had quickly married a young woman of prominent, but not wealthy family from New England.

The following sentence posed some confusion because the story began four paragraphs prior and so this seems repetitive...an after thought. Also, read this sentence out loud. Does it seem wordy and repetitive to you?

Our story begins on one random day early in the Waldorf’s marriage some thirty minutes after the aforementioned lounging, not with a bang but with a knock on the door of their hotel room. In the thirty minutes past Adriana had managed, after great effort, to lounge her way into the bathroom and consequently into the large tub to take a bath, as she usually did about twice a day. You see Adriana seemed to find something symbolic in bathing, as if a half hour in the bath could cleanse you of your sins, both real and imagined like it did dirt. It seems your just adding words and phrases to lengthen the story. So it does seem like a natural transition from one thought to another.


And finally, I challenge you to go and rewrite every adverb in your story. You've used quite a few. I copied some of them but not all. Adverbs are necessary sometimes, but moist of the time our sentences are more alive and colorful without them. They don't add much to the w4ord they're intended to modify.
For most of us writers its just laziness. And sometime were not even aware of how much re rely on them until someone points them out.

directly, scarcely, languidly, slowly, easily, intricately, similarly, haphazardly, quickly, recently, angrily, anxiously ,obviously, pointedly, loudly , hysterically


I know this seems like a lot. But really, this has Potential! Don't get discouraged. You have writing flair and this is the bare necessity...all the rest comes with writing, rewriting and writing some more. So keep on writing!

I hope this has been helpful and I hope you take this in the encouraging manner it was intended. Thank you for allowing me to share and for inviting me in to your port.

Write on and then write on some more!


*Flower3*kjo just groovin *Flower3*
240
240
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey Grawolph *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a review page and stopped in for a read and review. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What gives this story its strength is the joy you found in the memories, especially of that one fine day at the cabin fishing.

I can sense the happiness and you did a pretty good job of capturing the youthfulness and wonder of small children though it was many years ago. Your family seemed so happy and loving!

I wasn't expecting the ending...it was such a shock. In this respect, it was heart rendering and tug-at-your-heart-strings sorrowful.

I'm sure writing about it helps to bring the memories closer but also helps to heal. So write on!

I do have some observations. While the substance of your story was good and the tone was a mixture of bitter and sweet, there were some rough spots.

I think your story might flow easier if you were to omit some of the wordiness and the repetition. It really holds your sentences back and they're not as effective as they could be.


I took it upon myself to copy some of your sentences and I will do my best to give you some examples.


I remember that remarkable summer so many years ago. Your opening sentence is fine. It serves it's purpose, so nice job. Yet the rest of the first paragraph is a bit wordy and repetitive. You wrote : "One day in particular sticks in my mind. to this very day. here I think you could omit the last part of your sentence. You've repeated 'day' and the reader knows it stuck in your mind because your preparing to share it. It's not necessary to state the obvious *Wink* I remember it like it was yesterday, even though I was only 8 years old at the time. In the previous sentence, you've basically just reiterated what you've already established and repeated 'remember' again. It's important to make every word count.

Dad had rented a cabin on a lake for the first week that we were to be gone on vacation. that year. In this sentence, you could remove the 'that's' they don't really add much to your sentences. We use them out of habit. Mom and Dad slept in one bedroom, and I had to sleep with the twins. in the other one. I think you could remove the last part of the sentence.

We had asked permission to move the beds to the side of the room so that we could sleep on the floor. You made the the verb past tense so you don't always need the 'had'. And I just struck out the 'that'


That memorable The day started very early, well before the sun came up. The reader understands it's memorable. *Wink*

Earl started screaming that it wasn’t fair that Sam could swat him, and that he had to give his fishing pole to me to tie on a lure for him and get it ready for fishing. one too many 'thats' and the last part of your sentence isn't needed. It's best to keep it simple sometimes and ask yourself, what do those words add to the whole?


Those are just a few of the examples. There are some throughout. You have a tender story here. It's full of the bitter-sweet which comes with the grief of losing a parent when you're so young and innocent. I think this story has a lot of potential, it just needs a little more polishing so it can shine as it should.

I hope this has been useful too you. Thank you for allowing me to share in your memory. Oft times, our most treasured stories come from deep within. There are moments when this is poignant and profound.

Write on and then write on some more!


*Flower3*kjo just groovin *Flower3*
241
241
Review of Felix the Swift  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Flower3**Flower3*Hey N A Pedde *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! I saw you story n the Shameless plug page and stopped in to say hello. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions, if any, in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.


You have the beginnings of a really good story here. It has the potential to be even better with a little polishing. It has charm and wit. The storyline is good, unique and you have a flair for writing. Your character is a bumbling mess but charming in his own
neurotic way. It does have an old school, jewelry heist appeal and his self-talk was quite endearing.

I think you did a good job with character development. You character had little mannerisms and nuances that made him believable and life-like. Well done.

I also think the action of each scene as he tried to make his way down the 'right' chimney was well constructed and engaging.

There are a few issues formatting issues. I think the shorter paragrpahs create a pace which doesn't compliment the slow and methodical 'slinking' of your characters. Perhaps if you were to combine some of them to control the pace a bit it won't make for such a fast read when really, your character is taking his time.

You missed an apostrophe on city in the following sentence.
"...that stretched along the city s winding streets."

holding in a yelp of pain as the long rope dug into his back. Felix moved the chaffing,
long rope, wrapped around his waist, into a better position. In the previous sentence I underlined a little repetition.

Also I''d like to mention the heavy reliance on adverbs. You do have more than a few of the 'ly' words. Oft times we do need them. Most of the time, our sentences are more effective without them because it forces to be more creative in our descriptions. So I challenge you not to just omit them but to look for more effective ways of describing. {e:wink} quickly alarmingly instantly slowly Unfortunately slowly and quietly grudgingly quickly

"If I fall," Felix thought to himself, "I am going to have to change my name..." Here, since this is self-talk, you might want to italicize.


There is an element of humor in your story. I found your character sort of a bumbling idiot, but charming and...kinda like the Pink Panther sleuth guy, or a David Niven jewel thief who is a bit over-indulgent but can still make you smile.

Anyway, there are examples of fine writing. You have
many of the elements of short story writing with some effective descriptions, good character development, conflict, and action. Your storyline is intriguing and you're off to a great start.

It just needs a little polishing here and there. And I challenge you to rewrite your sentences without the adverbs.

I hope this has been helpful. Thanks you for letting me stay awhile.


Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*
242
242
Review of Summer Blooms  
Rated: E | (4.0)

*Flower3**Flower3*Hey Madhulika *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! I saw your story on the request a review page and stopped in for a read and review. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.


This was a fine read. I thought you constructed your scenes very well moving the plot along to resolution. Write on!

I got a great sense of your main character and I must say, I thought she was a bit haughty, distant and cold. You did a nice job of giving a little history explaining why she was a bit prejudice against mother-in-laws and this particular phrase was intriguing: "...her mother whenever the apple pie had pips in it." can't say I've ever heard this before, so it was a nice touch away from the usual cliche. Nice! *Wink*

I thought you did a good job of presenting the conflict within Mrs. Williams and it was nice to see resolution which opened her eyes and her heart to her mother-in-law. Well done.

Really, the only element I felt held this story back a bit was the heavy reliance on adverbs. I stopped copying them after twenty which was just the first half of your story. I'm not suggesting it's wrong to use them, I just think you've used far too many. Today editors frown on them and it's tends to weaken the story because it produces laziness in our writing. It's a trap many writer fall into, I have to catch myself as well.

I challenge you to go back through your story and consider not just removing them but replacing them with more effective words.

I took it upon myself to copy some of them because often times, it's such a habit were not even aware until someone points them out.So here are a few of them.

exactly, particularly, eagerly, Incidentally,suddenly
Immediately, quietly, bitterly, impatiently, stiffly measly, sadly, slightly,vigorously, briskly, unsurely brusquely, initially, loyally, increasingly, absently, abruptly.The challenge comes from finding more descriptive words that show action or mannerism about the character or the situation or the item. For instance you wrote : The rest was neatly packed into cardboard cartons and sent off to their new residence. But you could rewrite this like: The rest of the furnishings were itemized and packed into cardboard boxes and shipped..." You might use more words but ask yourself...how important is neatly to the whole of the action?

Another example is, you wrote: "Yeah, right!” she thought, and quietly said, ..." but considering she really isn't in agreement and in fact is dreading the move, perhaps you could give more clues to her character and mannerisms by rewriting this like: "Yeah right!" She thought, and with quiet disdain said..." it does add a more effective dimension...Just thoughts for you to ponder.

I do think you have, otherwise, a good story here; there are so many wonderful elements of storytelling present. You writing is solid and the story was heart-felt and well constructed. I hate to see it fall a little short of perfection because of too many adverbs. Of course, this is just my opinion.

I hope this has been helpful to you. Thanks you for letting me stay awhile.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*

"Invalid Item" 
243
243
Review of Tomorrow's World  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Emme *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! Thank you for inviting me in to you port. I saw your story on the request a review page. I hope you find my comments helpful and any suggestions I might make useful. Please know I offer any suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

In concept, this is very intriguing. I like this futuristic thriller and overall it was well written though I do have a few minor suggestions.

First, the formatting is a little discombobulated. Presentation has it's value as well. And as it stands now, the abrupt endings interrupt the flow and the pace of your story. But this is such an easy fix! *Wink*

Also, I would suggest going through and changing all the adverbs to more effective descriptions even if it means your sentences become a bit longer. I copied some of them. Adverbs really constitute laziness in our writing because we rely on them for descriptive purposes but they fall short in their effectiveness.

likely, simply, eventually, completely, ironically,greatly, newly, deeply, probably, firmly, lazily, gradually For instance you wrote: "As expected, the quality of life improved greatly over the next few years. People strived in a common goal, to create a world worthy of our newly elevated status."

This could be rewritten, omitting the adverbs "greatly and newly" Perhaps: As expected, over the next few years, the quality of life improved and people strived for the common goal of a world worthy of this earthshaking discovery.
Well you might not like my words but you get my point. *Wink*


What I noticed in the following sentence and a few others, though I just copied this one as an example, is you have a series of complex and simple words within the same sentence. So it creates a little inconsistency. {c}"In the second or third generation, problems really started showing" I think if you omit the 'really started' this will allow the sentence to stay true and consistent to the tone and the directness of the other words and be committed one hundred percent. Is it second or third ? Example: Toward the end of the second generation, problems became evident" of problems began.

In essence these are minor little red flags which are easy to address if you choose. I'm not saying your way is wrong or that my way is better, just offering you observations and different approaches.

I think the 'colored' words are fine to be included in the text. No pressing thoughts came to me as I was reading.

I would like to see a little more development in the character. As a reader, I know very little about her other than she has a passion of science and was ambitious in her efforts. Without some emotional connection on the part of the reader, it's difficult to care about her.

I do love the idea of your theme and plot. The setting is nice because the future and how humans conduct themselves is intriguing, it seems we never get better, just more complex and more greedy. *Wink*.

In any event, I think you have a story here with grand potential. It needs a little polishing, not much, work out the bugs of the formatting and I suggest rewording your sentences to edit out the adverbs but I can't say they are wrong, they just weight your sentences down and hold them back. As a result your sentences aren't as effective as they could be. But of course, this is just one reader's opinion.

I hope this has been useful. Thank you for sharing this unique and intriguing story.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*
244
244
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Writer_for_u *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings and thank you for inviting me in to your port. I saw your story on the request a review page. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I might make useful. Please know I offer all observations in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I love the praise and the glory you give God in this piece. It's so full of joy and gratefulness for God's mercy even when it seems your character has nothing to be joyous about. He lives a pauper's life. Perhaps he could be rich...but he finds his riches in the smallest of deeds which have profound impacts on the lives of others. This part of your story is then, very inspirational.

The supplications are endearing and heart-felt. I could sense the passion you feel as a believer in every word you wrote. Thus, making me appreciate your character and his humbleness. Nice!

Simple is useful in substance...but it's not very useful in sentence structure. The basic mechanics of writing need a little work. For instance you wrote: "All these of his works were not published in every newspaper and there were no posters of him on every wall on the road like many other well-known people." There are too many words and they aren't very effective in getting your meaning across. You could write: His deeds were not published nor was his face pictured on posters and tacked to the walls of India." You are using less words and the meaning is clearer. I get the feeling you are translating in English. If I'm wrong I mean no disrespect. *Wink*

I also noticed repetition. Too much, in fact which tend to weigh your sentences down and interrupt the flow. Oft times, repetition is a useful tool, but only when you want to emphasize a concept, emotion or event. The first Paragraph I copied from your story is excellent! A great beginning
possessing all the elements to 'hook' the reader and entice them to read on. But in the second parpagraph, you repeated phrases and the event and you might want to ask yourself if it's important to the whole of the story.
"It was a dark night in the Indian streets of Delhi. The rustling of the leaves, whistling of the wind, and even the slightest movement could be heard by a person curled up and trying to sleep under a tree. A stone was his pillow, darkness was his blanket, and the soft soils of India was his bed." Very Nice!

The street was empty of traffic, yet the negligible sounds of he rustling of the leaves, whistling of the wind coming from everywhere was enough to disturb a person trying to sleep already in conditions unfit to sleep. But, the 50 year old man lying there was not disturbed by anything
The parts underlined are examples of repetition you might want to consider removing this paragraph all together and adding that he was fifty to the opener. Of course, this is just a suggestions to take or not. *Wink*

His life was nothing so important for others. He hadnt done anything great according to others great. In fact, greater than many other great people. He never took rest in his life. He had cleaned the streets day and night. No one had asked him to. But he did so. Many recognized him as a very helpful and great worker. They had given him some money now and then. One-tenth of what he got from others, was what he lived on. Here again, a repetition of words and I think you could remove some words and make this sentence more effective and complex rather then simple in its construction. For example: He never took rest and cleaned the streets daily smiling to the people as they nodded in appreciation for his efforts. Often, they gave him money which he shared with other's less fortunate then himself. Again, just some thoughts for you to consider. The wordiness and the repetition are holding your sentences back from shining as grand as they should. And just a note for continuity, you opened the story with him sleeping, so it would be incorrect to say he worked day and night. *Wink*

Also, You need a variety of complex and simple sentence structures. Too many short sentences make the read choppy. A variety of sentence lengths will allow you to control the flow and the pace of your story.



"...people started staring this person while they went to shops. But the staring faces reduced a lot by the period of thirty years. I'd consider changing the structure of your sentence to give it more readability. It's a bit awkward as it is written. For instance:

In the beginning people stared, but over the years their stares were replaced by smiles. This is one instance were the repetition of a word could be useful and effective.

I think you have the beginnings of a glorious story here. It's essence is Divine and thought simple, it has a profound and poignant meaning. The sentences structure needs some work and the mechanics or writing and grammar are a bit rough but it's easy to smooth those edges out so this story can shine as you intended.

I hope this has been useful to you. Thank you for letting me stay awhile.

Write on and then Write on some more!


*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*
245
245
Review of The City  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Flower3**Flower3*Hey Moh1al *Flower3**Flower3*


I saw the title of your story and thought, hmmm, the title is understated and simple and that is a good thing. So I stopped in for a read and review. Thank you for inviting me in to your port. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions, if any, in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

This is as unique as it is unusual. The city as a character who plays matchmaker for two lone souls, while "him" and "her" are unaware of their destiny and seem to live one day to the next, no joy, just a mundane existence.

It is intriguing. And I think you have the substance of a story with grand potential. There are a few issues which are holding your story back from shinning as you intended it to.

It's a bit pretentious and matter-of-fact so it's difficult for the reader to connect and care. Your characters are all detached from each scene and from each other until the last scene in the coffee shop. To me this is like a series of vignettes independent of each other until the finale and while this is fine, I think your characters need more characteristics. They need to be more connected to the story as a whole and to The City. They need something to make them more life-like and to endear them to the readers.

I hope this makes sense to you. In an essential, nutshell, and perhaps this was the author's intent, the "detachment" throughout the story and within the characters, doesn't help to engage the reader because its lacking emotion. You tell us 'him and her' are tired of being alone, sad and despondent but show the readers with mannerism and characters and action, even dialogue.

I tread carefully here, because, again, this could be the author's intent: the layers of despondency and detachment could be an element, an ace-in-hand-so-to-speak used to highlight how day to day life with no one to share it with creates an essence of despondency. These are of course, just thoughts for you to ponder.

I think you could go through your story and reword all the adverbs. There are too many for the story. Editors frown on their overuse and they don't add much to the word they are meant to modify. I would suggest not just removing them but rewording your sentences. You might use more words but the meaning will be more effective, more colorful. I copied some of them just to give you an idea.

heartbreakingly, silently, brightly, merrily, gently, obligingly, nearly, steadily, thoroughly, knowingly, unconsciously. For instance, you wrote: "Thoroughly soaked, the streets emptied as the unprepared citizens’ found shelter in its various forms." Ask your self what does the 'thoroughly' offer in description to the unprepared citizens? Perhaps you could write: The streets emptied as the unprepared citizens scurried to find shelter from the downpour drenching their bodies while the steady wind turned their umbrellas into canes... ." Well, you might not like my words but I'm sure you get my point.

This was a man who had a tender hart to offer. I think her you meant to write heart.

He had found that delicate utterances whispered while love-making did not a relationship make. The problem with this sentence is the speech...it doesn't seem consistent with the rest of 'the City's language/dialect/speech. A bit too formal.

Her day nearly complete{,} she allowed herself a moment to consider her options. Although she was young{,} times had changed. I added some commas in a couple places where I felt a need for pause. There were other places, so you might want to scan for punctuation.. *Wink*


The only other observation I have is I'm not sure about the random use of Capitalized words throughout the story. Really what is does brings attention to them by default only and interrupts the flow.

I hope you know, in substance and idea, I do like this story. There were a few issues, mainly with lack of emotion and characteristics. I find this idea of yours original to use something other than a "human" as such a strong character who is also the narrator. This was unique; I challenge you to keep the theme, plot, setting, characters and conflict, just remove all the adverbs, add some emotion so the reader can feel connected.

The scenes you construct do move the plot along and this is an important element, there just needs to be more inner-action and connection to make it work as a whole.

I do hope this has been helpful and I would revisit this if you's like me to after you've edited and rewritten.

Overall, in thought and in some of the elements you've presented, this is intriguing and original. And it does have great potential.

Write on and then write on some more!


*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*
246
246
Review of Forgive Me  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Flower3**Flower3*Hi Happy Lies or Sad Truths *Flower3**Flower3*


I saw you story on the request a review page and stopped in to say hello. Thanks for inviting me in to your port. I hope you find my comments helpful and any suggestions I might make useful. Please know I offer them in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Holy Cowabunga! I'm not sure what to think of this...I'd say its a bit controversial and a bit twisted, but then it is meant to be *Shock* a thriller and a bit shocking.

I think this was overall well written but I do have a couple of observations:

"I have done what only God should do. I have taken life and enjoyed it as I have never enjoyed anything before." I think you could trim some of your sentences down a bit. For example, this above sentence is a bit wordy and uses 'enjoyed' twice. Oft times using repetition is effective, I'm not sure it works in this case. Just a thought for you to ponder.
Perhaps: I have dishonored our Lord by playing God. I've taken life and enjoyed it." Well, you might not like my words but you get my point. And I think a more direct statement makes him appear more self-absorbed and arrogant.

Also, may I suggest putting your sentences in paragraph form? I think if you were to create paragraphs this would help control the pace and flow of your story. Right now it Read's a little choppy.

Otherwise, I think you have a believable situation here. The conflict is certainly contemporary with the times and the reaction/action to the conflict could happen.

I did get a sense of the dark and foreboding essence of this thriller so well done with tone and with the aesthetic quality of this short story.

I think if you polish up the sentences a bit by omitting some of the wordiness and then placing them in paragrpahs I think you'll have a first rate thriller her with a nice twist. I'd like to challenge uyou to rewrite this story in third person. I think it might be even more effective! Of course, this is just a suggestion.

I hope this has been useful Thanks for letting me stay awhile.

Write on and then write on some more!


*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



247
247
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hi Kat *Flower3**Flower3*



I saw your story on the request a review page and thought I stop in to say hello. Thanks for inviting me into to your port. I hope you find any suggestions I might make useful Please know I offer comments in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I think you have the substance of a wonderful story here. The theme is one all reader's can relate too. A family leaving behind all they know and embarking on a new journey to a foreign country. There were some poignant scenes in your story, ones which were heartfelt and well written.

I get the sense, part of the reason they are traveling to America is for their youngest daughter she seems fragile. I'm not suggesting the plot is predictable, it's just a feeling I received.

There is a lot of emotion in your story. It came through in all the good-yes. You did a good job of giving your characters "characteristics." By this I mean, actions and mannerisms and body language. This is good because it gives life to your characters and helps them appear real.

I do have some suggestions. I think your story would be more readable if you'd consider reworking the format. The mountain of text with no rest for the eyes is a bit daunting.

Perhaps you might want to place a space between each paragraph and then indent the first sentence of every paragrpah. This serves a couple purposes, it helps the reader and it makes your story look more polished and professional. Presentation is important too. *Wink*

I'd like to mention the over use of adverbs. I suggest scrubbing out all those adverbs. Editors frown on them and they don't add much color or life to the word they are meant to modify. All the 'ly's can most often, be
exchanged for more descriptive words. You might use more words in an adverbs place but they'll be more effective.

All the "anxiously, smoothly, nervously " ect, can be rewritten, for example: you wrote, (and by the way smoothly and nervously contradict each other in this instance) "She nervously ran her fingertips smoothly through her short blond ponytail while her eyes, Perhaps you could write: Her hands were shaking as she brushed through her hair with well manicured fingertips. You might not like my words, but you get my point.

Also, I'd do a scan of the word 'that' That is most often necessary. We tend to use it a lot in our everyday speech but it tends to hold our sentences back. For instance: "it was obvious that something was not as it..." or but she sensed that something was going to change, and was never going to be the same again. "it was obvious that something was not as it"

Those are just a few examples.

I think you have the makings of a very good story with grand potential. You already have some wonderful aspects of effective storytelling but it needs a little polishing. Work on those 'adverbs' and try to exchange those 'ly' words for more descriptive words. Scan for that/ and rework your formatting.

There is a bit of wordiness here and there but you do have a knack for character development and emotion and constructing scenes. You're off to a great start!

I hope this has been helpful. Thanks for letting me stay awhile.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*
248
248
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3*Hi H2O2Whine *Flower3**Flower3*


I'm late, I'm late for a very important rate and review! haha.*Blush* Well that was a bit silly but here I am to 'pay it forward.' Thank you for visiting my port several weeks ago. I'm catching up and this is a good thing.

I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What first struck me about this poem is the passion and resounding love emitting from your well chosen words.

I thought the rhymes were natural creating this wonderful cadence as your poem unfolded across the page. Well done.

I thought this was sweet and endearing and your wife should feel treasured. You obviously have a profound love, admiration and respect for her. Excellent! I like the supplication elements of this poem and I especially thought the "angel without wings" was not only effective, but a lovely tribute. *Wink*


I have no suggestions. I thought this was well written and poignant.

Write on and then write on some more!


*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*
249
249
Review of A shopping bag  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hi Mike Day! *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings, remember me? Yeah it's been a while. Thank you for the review of my story, now it's time for me to "pay it forward"


I hope you find my comments/suggestions helpful. Please keep in mind I offer them in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Mike I took your suggestion and decided to read "A Shopping Bag"

What I loved about this story is how well developed the scenes were. With every scene, we learned a little more about your character and her conflict which moved the story along to the next scene. It was written with passion and respect. I could sense the empathy for her situation.

The bag splitting and spilling her contents onto the sidewalk tugged at my heart.

Your character development, though this story was short, was well done. You gave her life and authenticity. She had expressions and action/reactions mannerisms and thoughts which endeared her to the reader. Well done!

I have only one little observation, it's minor and of little significance...just has to do with continuity...in one scene you called her mother 'mum' in another "mom" Did I miss, something?

Anyway, I thought this was an inspirational story. Too, is was sorrowful. As a society, we are too busy to stop and offer help. What happened to our kindness?
To divert our eyes away because we don't want to make eye contact is so uncaring and typical. We look away because its too much trouble to care...too much effort and why is it think if we don't acknowledge it, it'll go away/ Strange, we humans are.

In any event, I enjoyed you story...enjoyed it even more knowing it was based on a true event in your life. It was well written poignant and profound. It was brutal in some aspects because you gave the reader a 'real' look into the life of one Special person who happened to be 'homeless.' Perhaps it will teach us to be more caring.

I have no suggestions. Thanks for sharing this thought-provoking story.

Write on and then write on some more!


*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*

250
250
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Flower3**Flower3*Hi Lou *Flower3**Flower3*



Since you were so gracious to review a couple of my stories/articles, I thought I'd check out the link you sent me. Sp glad I did,

This is cute, deserving of its award icon.

The crab as a pet, was news to me; it was delightful!

The situation was believable, the conflict was authentic. Don't all kids beg and promise when it comes to pets? You wrote it as if you've experienced it a few times yourself. *Wink*

The dialogue was as it should be for a father and a young child. Well done. I saw no errors and I have no suggestions that could possibly improve on what is already well done!

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review.

Write on Lou and then write on some more!


*Flower3*kjo just groovin *Flower3*
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