I think you've got a nice little suspenseful dialog going here. I can see that you're still working on it, but here are a few things that I noticed as I went through:
1) There were a lot of single quotes and double quotes mixed together. Not a big deal, but distracting, visually.
2) The he's, his's, and him's were flying, which made it confusing at times as to which he was who. It's probably worth a pass through to edit those for clarity. (Example: "Andrew stepped inside and cautiously sat down on the edge of his bed. " <-- this is Andrew's bedroom, too?)
3) I liked the staccato style of the short sentence fragments - that heightens the suspense. Sometimes, though, it was a little too much (Example: "brother. Afraid-of-the-dark-Andrew." --> "brother, afraid-of-the-dark Andrew.")
4) On the parts where Colin is writing, you might to consider shortening, as one would when trying to convey a written message as quickly as possible. Think gestures and shouts that might convey the same meaning as the written words. Examples:
Can’t tell you. It doesn’t matter, does it? The deed is done. I’m not going to beg your forgiveness.
to
Can't tell. No matter, does it? Done.
Steven, Gary and myself.
to
Steven, Gary "nnnn m...me."
SHUTUP! SHUTUP!
to
SHUT UP! Colin pointed at the words, angrily and repeatedly, fire in his eyes.
...and so forth.
***SPOILER ALERT*** (for those reading the public review)
5) The ending definitely took me by surprise, but I felt it could be punchier.
Instead of the current text, think about
"A quarter? Hmmm. Fine." He pivoted on the bed, as if to leave, but turned back with a smirk. "One other thing. Next time, count me in."
Hope that helps! Let me know if you make any changes and I'll take another look.
Excellent work, Wren! I wouldn't change a thing, except fixing the spacing on the first few paragraphs and the one that ends in "hello." Can't wait to see what you write next! :)
Your pal,
kc
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kooolcat
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.24 seconds at 8:48pm on May 07, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
