Hi,
I like where you are going with this, but I feel it needs some work. I can see that your repetiveness is intentional, but without good rhythm and no rhyme, it isn't very effective. Even though this is a free-form, free verse, there needs to be rhythm... even if there is no rhyme. My suggestion is to try lining up your poem up so that each line has a relatively equal syllable count. This has helped me greatly when I write free-form. I always try to keep my lines no more than two syllables away from the one before and after it. This will give your piece a flow and a rhythm to draw people in. You will probably need to re-word some of it to do this. Try it, and see if it seems like an improvement to you. I understand your message; it just lacks beauty in presentation, IMHO. If you feel like trying out my suggestions, PLEASE let me know when you're done, as I would love to read and review it again! I hope I've been helpful to you,
kristikim
Hi Dreams,
Overall I liked this, the feelings within the poem; I feel mostly a sence of separatness when I read it.
I don't like the opening line because it is very cliche'... heard over and over again too many times...
"Day in and day out". There is a gramatical error, unless you have it there for a poetic intention that I'm not aware of. You capitallize the word "I" throughout the poem, but in the 4th to last line it is "i".
Here i still stand
Protecting this land
The good and the bad
Because thats all I can do
In these last four lines, I don't understand what is meant by "Protecting this land", or how it relates to the next line: "The good and the bad".
What I really like about it is the unusual rhythm and flow, and rhymes that all work very well together. I also feel the emotion of frustration and feeling stuck which is communicated well. I would work on some more unique word choices, and also some more specific word/phrase choices, so that some of the individual aspects of the poem can be more easily understood. Just a few "tweeks" here and there along these lines would make a big difference to this reader.
I hope this is helpful to you in some way.
Peace,
kristikim
I love the message here! Also, this poem has a very different kind of rhythm; I found it very enjoyable to read. There is a nice flow, and good word usage, with unique spacing that somhow manages to maintain the "song", of the poem.
This stanza:
Because the man who works so hard,
To paint a house,
To pound a nail,
To drive a truck,
Or teach a class,
And all the moms who give their all to make
The empty house a home.
I am pointing out this stanza not because I have a particular problem with it. I feel your intentions are good here. I just thought that in the interest of non-offense to certain people's sensibilities... some women might see this as a bit of a put down. There are mothers who are single parents, for example, out there pounding nails, painting houses, etc., and taking care of their children the best they can as well. There are also single or married women out there with no children who have alot of these "men's jobs", which you strongly imply here. I say again that I feel you had no negative intentions here, but it occured to me that many could see it that way, and therefore I just wanted to bring that probability to your attention, if it is of value to you.
Great poem!
kristikim
I really enjoyed reading this... I read it over again several times. I like the first two stanzas very much - your use of metaphors here is very well done, and yet easily understood. While reading these two stanzas, I easily feel as if I am experiencing what is described. Then, on to the third stanza, and the is a break in experience and understanding for me:
Caught suspending in death,
Yet dancing,
Drunkenly in love with life,
Excitement caged in a cell of slow calm.
I am lost here. I don't understand "Caught suspending in death", and in the last line, the free feeling is gone with the words "caged in".
The next stanza, the forth:
I hang on to technology’s
Honey coated impurities.
That often blind us from the truth.
This is easier to understand, but I am still waiting and wanting to be under the water, where you lead me, at the beginning of the poem. I feel as if I am just hanging there, slightly beneth the water, waiting for you to finish telling me about "technology's honey coated impurities"... and lead me deeper into the sea, to discover all of its wonder.
FINALLY, in the last two stanzas, I am allowed to begin to explore with you again:
I am an alien weight
Amongst quicksilver darts
And dreamy seahorses high on opium.
Diving is like a dream
Because diving
isolates.
Ah! Yes, and I just love your use of metaphor again in the fifth stanza, and I feel myself there in a dreamlike state of pure enjoyment!
I think the last stanza needs to be a more powerful closing statement. It was a bit of a let down for me.
All in all I love it, and as good at this as I can see you are, it would be no trouble to make these corrections, if you choose to. I feel that your poem could be such a profoundly rich, tactile experience. You have a wonderful talent for painting multi-dimentional worlds with your words!
kristikim
I love the feeling, and the meaning within this poem.
I would like to see the rhyming be more consistent... it would give it a more finished appeal. My other little nit-picky bit is in this line:
"Awaken Lightworkers, come one and come all."
Throughout the poem, you are calling out to a particular lightworker, in the singular; only in this one line, do you call out to many of them. This line seem inconsistant with your plea, to this reader... and the words "come one and come all", causes me to feel I'm at a circus, which doesn't seem like your real intention with the poem as a whole.
Other than my "nits", this is a good message, well written!
kristikim
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