This is an excellent story! I love the magic you've created here! I really think you've captured the essence of youth. I'm not sure how many eight year olds would go chasing unicorns, I guess it depends on the kid, but to me its behavior more relevant to a six year old. Other than that it was beautifully written and the grammar and punctuation were spot on! Keep up the great work!
I like this poem! Sounds like a bit of heartbreak. One line that stood out was, "The fissures, these fractures; my fixtures-" I liked the contrast. I also liked the last two lines. There were some punctuation issues I personally would change, but poetry is 99% interpretation, so if they work for your purpose, leave it be. =) I enjoyed the read, thank you for the share!
AAAAA-MEN! lol! I've been sitting around "wanting to write" for YEARS now! The only cure is to put all the fears and dos and don'ts aside and DO IT! I'll go through phases where I write like crazy, get involved in writing sites (I think I've joined this site about three times now), I've even started a novel I might someday finish, but I invariably slip back into the real world and let the writing slip to the wayside within a month or so. My main goal is to make it a career of it. I guess I can't expect anyone to take my writing seriously if I don't, so hopefully this time around I actually buckle down and get productive! Anyway, I really enjoyed this read. It was clear and concise and fun to read, so anytime you want a review, just shoot me a holler, I'd love to read it! Keep on writin on!
I really liked the concept of your story. It was fun and entertaining to read. It's always fun to follow a character who's accident prone, a little neurotic, and perhaps slightly crazy. I think instead of going to gamblers anonymous, he might be better off seeking a shrink, eh? lol One piece of criticism I'll offer would be the lack of description. I would have liked, as the reader, to have more of my senses involved. I.E. more scenery description, more sounds, colors, smells, etc... What did some of the other characters look like? What were they wearing (particularly Beth, since she played a key role in the story)? What kind of dog was the girl walking? Your writing is very straight forward which is excellent for setting the framework, now decorate it a little with some creative verbs and adjectives. You've laid an excellent foundation and I would love to see a re-write with the next building phase! =) Keep up the great work!
Pros: I think this is a great piece of prose! A couple of lines I really liked: "The desire, takes a pendulum swing, between its two extremes, never finding the required equilibrium."; "Still,
the numbing hands are impotent to kill the parasite, slurping and sucking
blood from the body." - Very poetic!
Problems: The first paragraph is a little stop and go, if that makes sense. It seemed there were some flow issues. I think maybe it was because there were a lot of long sentences broken only by commas...try, perhaps, breaking some of them into smaller, stand-alone sentences. It may make it read a little smoother. Other than that there were just a couple of grammatical and punctuation glitches.
Overall, great piece of work, keep it up! =)
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