I have a huge smile on my face because a poem that mentions behaviourism is probably the last thing that I was expecting to read today, but it was a pleasant surprise nonetheless. It is a fair point to make, that there are so many theories as to how we work, whether it be scientific or emotional. It is definitely a good quality to take the good out of what we can in life :)
One line that doesn't work for me is line 11--"Clinical Psy. what a brainer." The abbreviated "Psy." kind of threw me off, and it feels as though there should be some puncuation between "Psy." and "what."
I think you have written a smooth piece of narrative here! I can begin to see the development of your characters through their mannerisms and catch-phrases.
SInce you are looking for some more specific feedback, I have a few stylistic issues to point out to you. In paragraph 6, second sentence, I would move the comma so it looks like this: "Dropping to his knees, he slid underneath a small table and pulled a knife from one of the many pockets on his cargo pants." Also, in para. 9 I would say his voice "was cut off by." One more place was "screw you, Eli." Sorry, I can't find now which para. that was, but basically I would do a few comma placement exercises and then go through this, because I would add quite a few more. I also noticed that you used quites a few dashes and elipses (- and ...), which can turn into an annoying writer's tic if you aren't careful. Again, I would mostly use commas in those places because it looks more professional and is more grammatically correct.
I think your story is going to be awesome, so good luck writing it and getting published!
Wow, I really loved this poem! It's one of the best I have read since I became a member. It's such a unique idea, and very humourus. I sat here smiling as I was reading it. Awesome job!
One thing I would suggest is to add a few commas to improve the poem's flow. There should be commas before addressing Twirl, like: We can't see each other anymore, Twirl. I would also add commas after the lines that have no puncuation at the end (granted I am a puncuation stickler). I would like to see more emphasis placed on certain words, such as "crave" or "irresistable," just to play around with those descriptive words. I think it would work nicely in this poem. Lastly--and this is a tricky one--should "affect" be "effect?" I think it should be "You know the effect you have on me."
I hope you find my feedback helpful, and again, I really enjoyed this poem.
You have created some lovely descriptions here of youth and spring-like nature settings. Very nice work! One thing that doesn't sit well with me is that the focus of the poem is supposed to be growing old, and the focus of the poem that you have written seems to be more so on youth. The point of view is from an elderly woman peering through a window, isolated, on youthful and happy people. I do like the idea of the poem, and I enjoyed the descriptions, but the main idea is confused.
Thanks for the lovely read, I hope my feedback is helpful!
This is certainly a unique poem, and I can't say I know what it is about, but I have a few interpretations (because the reader creates as much meaning as the text itself!). I have this picture in my mind of a heart-broken person, looking through a window (glass?) and reminiscing about the dreams that haunt him/her at night. I imagine the person isn't sleeping well, and is in a sombre, zombie-like state.
Well, you got me thinking anyway. But I have to ask--what was the inspiration for this poem? What does it mean to you?
This is a unique piece. I like the idea of personifying depression, and of giving it the image of the Grim. Very creative! I think your last three stanzas are the strongest, they flow well. The one line that I'm having trouble with is "I find that unfair, slightly obscene." It just doesn't seem relevant to the rest of the stanza, for me anyway. Oh, and I think you have a typo in line 9--a double "it."
I like the idea of "a demon in my view." For a beginning poet, I think you are off to a good start. A few tips I will give you are to read your poems aloud so that you can see if the lines have good flow. For example, "of the night so bold" seems a little to short to come after the previous line, maybe try adding a few syllables to that line to improve the flow.
Short and sweet! This little poem has nice flow to it, however, it could be improved a tiny bit by adding some puncuation. I would add a comma after "A dream awoke me" and a period after "told me" and at the end. Granted, I'm a bit of a stickler for grammar.
I do enjoy reading and writing about dreams and hallucinations, or that "in-between" state that seems to lie between fantasy and reality. I like the mystique created in this poem--was the kiss real? Or a dream? Very intriguing.
This is a unique piece of writing. It's almost just stream-of-consciousness, which I like. I have these self-talks sometimes, but I never would have thought to make it into a piece that I would share, so kudos for originality. Being a poet, I have to encourage you to put some of these thoughts and emotions into poetic form; I can see it being a beautiful transformation. But nevertheless, great job.
I appreciate the openness and honesty of the piece, as well as the positive turn at the end. Best of luck to you with writing and with your obstacles and hindrances!
All the best, Lindsey.
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