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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lee.miller
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Review by Lee Miller
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The story itself was interesting at first, and then became engrossing as your narration began to insinuate there was something sinister going on - something beyond the cruelty of man.

Your writing is very descriptive, and I enjoyed that a lot!

The only suggestions I would make are minor ones AND these are just my opinion, feel free to disregard them:

" fading into the boundaries of ordinance, and becoming the face of ordinary"
I like the first part, I wouldn't want you to change ordinance at all, but I think using ordinance and ordinary in the same sentence slows it down a bit, Perhaps consider using something to replace ordinary. The words are just too similar to me.

"tourists, and vendors, and suits, and teenagers"
It reads more smoothly in my mind if you only use "and" before teenagers. This could also be considered part of your writing style, I can see someone using this on purpose.

"It was an instinctual fear of the unnatural, of the violation of natural laws."
Same thing here as ordinary/ordinance, my personal preference would be that you keep violation of natural laws and substitute another word for unnatural.

Also, the woman dropping to her knees - when she says "why did I do this" it seems to imply she has something to do with what is happening. If so, if you're able to within your word count limit explain her part in making this happen I would love to see that. If she didn't actually assist in orchestrating the event and is just part of the mob, consider her crying out something more neutral. Like "why is this happening" or "I'm sorry I failed my children" - anything that doesn't make her sound vaguely guilty in a way that someone could wonder what her part in the main event was.

A great short story - thank you for sharing!

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