I can definitely appreciate your hommage to the Godfather of Horror! You did a wonderful job with it, too!
Mechanically speaking, your plot appeared to be well-founded and transitioned well. By that I mean that everything happened for a reason and there were no spontaneous, questionable actions from the characters. I absolutely loved your imagery! Likening the coldness of the water to running an icicle up his skeleton was brilliant!
Only one issue grabbed me and just wouldn't let go. In my profession, the devil is in the details so this just didn't sit right with me....although, in the big picture, some readers may not even notice and it really makes no difference in the effectiveness of your story. I just wanted to bring it up as a courtesy. In one line at the bar it was described "Pieces of flesh burnt from the smoldering bullet". The referenced shotgun would not have a smoldering bullet as it used a shell full of BBs (in most cases). Nitpicky? Yes. But as I said, it made ABSOLUTELY NO impact on your story. I just wanted to bring it up for the sake of sharing.
Please continue your work in this genre! I would like to read more of yor work! Outstanding job!
Wow! This is really a good short! Very descriptive and suspenseful. I knew the ending was going to be dark, but you lead a good carrot of hope along the path!
The only thing I would work on is maybe some of the verbage and a few technical aspects. For instance, the whistling sound would be emitting from 'bolts" which are shot from a crossbow. And there were a few instances with tense and plurality, but that is all grammatical stuff! You have an excellent penchant for dark fiction! I will make it a point to peruse your other and future works! I hope you continue this trend!
Well, it is true that once led to the path, the imagination usually takes the worst-case scenario...I fell into that. Glad to see that it worked out for them though! lol
Unfortunately, I felt the happy ending (albeit nice) was sort of a let-down after being led by my imagination to something bad happening. Perhaps the same end result can be achieved by throwing in a few more "omens" or making the ending more elusive still. What if he NEVER finds out? What if....
The good news is that you have a grand opening for a horror/suspense story! All you would need is a good twist and some darker, more sinister visuals and a different end.
At first, I was thrown aback by the short, seemingly choppy sentence structure. After re-reading, I think it actually is a plus to the suspense of the storyline!
The punctuation does need some attention during the polishing phase. I am anal about punctuation but, alas, am by no means an expert. All those years of English and I STILL have a comma fetish! I do however use a resource which I would like to pass on to you. It helps me academically, professionally, and in my writing when I can't remember if I should be placing a period, comma, semicolon, or just wait until someone else reads it and suggests something...lol
Wow! I just decided to peruse some works today and saw this title and dove in (pun intended). Man am I glad I did! I REALLY enjoyed this story! Dark, mysterious, and your building of suspense...only allowing enough brief reprieve to move the story along...made for an awesome read! I loved the set-up and the story flowed very nicely! I am a huge fan of your descriptive talents too! "-widowed"....brilliant!
My only question, and it IS a question more than a critique, is why you chose that particular point in the story for the flashback. I'm just curious...lol
Thank you for sharing this! I probably sound like a broken record, but this story made a significant impression with me. Have you submitted it anywhere for publication?
I apologize if you get this twice...I sent a review but had a connection glitch.
In summary:
I thought your usage of simile/metaphors was outstanding and a perfect example of the infamous "show, don't tell" concept! I read through it twice and enjoyed it at least as much the second time!
Your imagery is outstanding...I could feel her curiosity AND apprehension.
I could find no technical issues, but as a personal suggestion, I would personally like to see this fleshed out a little bit more and made a little longer and more drawn-out...calling it dragging out the suspense (kicking and screaming if necessary...lol)
Cute story! I noticed a tiny bit of choppiness in the imagery...was this prompt word count limited? The images followed along well, I was just curious about the transitions. The subject matter was very clever! The title made me think of a darker story, probably because of my genre fixation, but it progressed nicely into a humourous and pleasant read! And, again, nice response to the prompt!
Very nicely done! You took a solid storyline and managed to keep it suspenseful! I am particularly fond of your vivid imagery. I was worried that the storyline would, unfortunately, follow the tried and true "dragon-esque" path, but your grasp of tension in storytelling is not to be underestimated!
Great work!
Wow! That was intense AND disturbing...I loved it!
I like it as it stands. The only thing I might suggest is possibly developing the details a little more. You did a good job with the sharp transitions between the lines; I think it adds an extra something to the edginess. Just maybe instead of saying "red covers the forest floor", describe the red a little more, perhaps a simile.
These are just MY suggestions, offered for you to use at your descretion in maybe playing around with it...trying different things on in varying places.
As a whole, I give your dark musings a sincere "two shovels UP" :) Keep it up! I'd like to see more of your work sometime!
VERY nicely done! I was paying such close attention to your writing style (choice of words, etc...one of my sticking points...lol) that, before I knew it, I had to start over because the plot turned from the direction I was expecting! I wasn't thinking HE would kill his kid...and wife...and ATTEMPT to kill his son. But that ending was the kicker...it truly sealed the deal for me! I loved this story! I was questioning the form of the beginning as it seemed very "Poetry-ish"...stanza-like, if you will. Overall, I think I was barking up the wrong tree! :)
One thing I look for in writing is the flow of words and ideas. It makes reading any story, topic, or subject matter easier. You hit the nail on the head! Additionally, the title pulled off a pleasant "sleight of hand" so the latter parts took me completely unawares. I very much enjoyed this story and look forward to reading some more of your work!
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lemonb
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.26 seconds at 11:38am on Apr 26, 2024 via server web1.
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
