Nice job building a unique environment that draws us into a horrific situation and leaves us with a cliff-hanger.
The power in this excerpt is in the detailed descriptions of the environment. I love the imagery of this living, breathing room. In this story, you describe a unique and original scene. My only concern is that we hear of Susan, but I have no idea what her reactions are to this. Is she a main character? If so, I would want to know if she is terrified, curious, dumfounded -- Of course I wouldn't want to see those words but Susan's actions, showing us those emotions.
Specifics:
Paragraph six: you wrote "begin" but I think you meant "begun"
Paragraph twelve: "of ten-thousand denizens of" The two uses of "of" threw me off a bit. This may be something in my reading habits and inclanations but repeating words often throws off the cadence I am reading with. I really don't know if it's just me or not. That being said, I read it like "With a roar of ten-thousand denizens [pause] of hell"
Here is an example of how I'd write it (which certainly is not better than your words, but just an example)
Ten thousand denizens of hell screamed in it's voice as the dog leapt for her throat.
Cool and original story. It feels like it could be a scene from Alice In Wonderland. The dreamy, trippy(I know that's not a real word) feeling permeates the whole scene. I like the early description of the hallway. You give just enough for my imagination to take over. I can picture a dark red rug that you never wrote about. I can even see smooth stone with cracks here and there. You wrote about neither description, but my mind can conjure it. You do a great job of this in the window scenes as well. I hope there is more!
At times, there are short modifiers to your sentences that might be better off as a separate sentence, or a longer clause. For example: "Della climbed up onto the sill while she could." It took a couple times reading this sentence to understand that she had a limited amount of time to climb, due to the stretching of the building. It might be good to elaborate on that a little (but just a little).
Specifics:
- Paragraph 1: The first sentence is a bit awkward for me. I wonder if removing "and it was" and going with something like this would read better. - "The narrow hallway was built of gray stone, with a cathedral ceiling." - Or maybe, "It was a narrow hallway, built of gray stone, with a cathedral ceiling."
- Paragraph 3: Two sentences in a row start with "She". This isn't a problem per se but it feel choppy. Maybe showing some of her thoughts to replace the "She was apprehensive" sentence would add some emotion to the story and provide better flow.
- Paragraph 5: You wrote "indentical" but I think you mean identical.
- Paragraph 6: "... it flickered constantly, just a bit". How can it flicker constantly and just a bit? Are you trying to show that it was a constantly flickering light that was dim?
Very cool story. I like how you describe exposed bowels, slit throats, and blood without it being gratuitous. The gore enhanced the story. Great job!
the one comment I have is in paragraph five you write " A faint vibration in the steel floor registered in his mind a moment too late as pain" and i think it would sound better as "A faint vibration in the steel floor registered a moment ..." I think "in his mind" detracts from the sentence.
Good second chapter. You answer some questions but leave us with even more. Why are there catacombs under this small town? Who are the witches? Why do these seemingly evil werewolves lock themselves up? etc... After that, you leave us with a bit of a cliff-hanger, when the woman, presumably a witch, appears.
In particular, Paragraph three is very cool. You don't expect the alpha to lock himself up. I also like the catacombs. Can't wait to find out how this small American town has catacombs.
One thing I would recommend is to search for the words, that, and the. Then determine if any can be removed. I have a guy at my writers group that always "just removed the superfluous thats" from my stories, and it helps a lot.
Specifics:
- paragraph 2:
I would leave out "with a twist of the steering wheel". "demanded an immediate U-turn from his old truck" is excellent imagery and the other part seems to minimize the impact.
Rather than tell us he is frustrated, it would read better if you just show us the indicators "White knuckled, and teeth gritted, he headed to Tuttle's place." (Place sounds more small-town than home.)
- Paragraph 6: Can you show us his condescending attitude instead of calling it condescending? Maybe a little more dialogue here would be good.
- Paragraph 7: How old is the sheriff? The term "minion", doesn't seem to fit with what a small town sheriff would say. If he is hundreds of years old, then it fits, if not, I like the small town voice better.
- Paragraph 8: "Denied the thrill of the hunt" should be "Being denied the thrill
of the hunt was ..."
- Paragraph 9: I love this paragraph. Cancer is a great motivation for wanting to become a werewolf. The first sentence is a bit awkward thought.
- Last paragraph: I don't know if the word "instantly", helps the imagery. I would consider leaving it out.
This is a well written story. Your descriptions are vivid without wasting words. For some reason, the princess doesn't work for me. It may just be personal preference, but I would expect a queen to rule the kingdom instead of a princess. I'ts difficult to describe why it bothered me, but it did distract from the overall story. That being said, I like the princess in the story, I just don't see a situation where a princess would rule a kingdom. I know that I'm being pedantic here, but figured I should let you know my reaction.
I really like this story. It has suspense, horror, interesting characters, and very good imagery. Hopefully, this is just the beginning to a longer story. If so, I look forward to reading more.
I love this imagery: "She appeared to hover in mid air, dressed in a long and flowing transparent white nightgown, which hugged her trim figure and mysteriously vanished into a black abyss behind her."
I do think that this story can be even better. I noticed many places where sentences were either incomplete or had multiple clauses that were unrelated. Here is an example of an incomplete sentence: "Placing his eyes back upon his foe to make sure his aim was true toward the fiend’s heart." That being said, the story is very good. It just needs some editing, in my opinion.
Specifics:
Paragraph 1 - It feels like you are cramming too many thoughts in a single sentence. In this first sentence, we learn that it is a warm New England night, Justin awoke in a cold sweat, had difficulty catching his breath, and was terrified by the night he witnessed those things.
Here is an example of how I would prefer it to read. (Of course, this is written in my style, you have your own style.) - "Justin Moon awoke in a cold sweat from this warmest of summer New England nights. His breath came in short gasps as he remembered those things..."
Paragraph 9: I would remove the word "music" after "heave-metal". Writing "heavy-metal music" makes it sound like the narrator is an old man complaining. A 17 year old would probably just call it heavy-metal or even just metal.
- Paragraph 10: " Using his best stealth, he did not want to disclose his presence by accidentally stepping on a branch or dry leaves." - This is an awkward sentence.
- Paragraph 13: "To his horror" - Would it really be horrific to see a beautiful woman appear? I would be careful using the word horror. It's better to show his reaction and let the reader decide if it is horrific.
- Paragraph 18: "with those evil, burning eyes" - I would remove those and make it "with eveil, burning eyes"
Very cool story. I like how you give us only hints about what is going on. This makes me think and wonder what is happening. Yet, rather than being confused, I'm wondering about the possibilities even after reading the entire story. In particular I like paragraph 5. It shows her pain in general, even talking about "them", but then moves on to "him", and "his scent", etc..
Specifics:
- Paragraph 1: " Her long ears rotated, catching the familiar sound." In the next two sentences you describe the sight of something and the smell of something but in this sentence I'm left to wonder what is the familiar sight.
- Paragraph 2: You wrote ith when you meant with.
- Paragraph 6: Is "he" and "this one" the same person? I can't tell if you are talking about two different people or one person.
- Paragraph 8: I think there should be a comma after "well"
This is a well written story. Every step that Arnold takes is described in great detail. I can see as well as hear what is going on. In particular, I like how this scene plays out on a character who is living a mundane life. There is nothing spectacular about him other than the fact he is friends with important people. It is much more believable to have this maniac intrude on a normal life than for everyone involved to be special.
Is this a complete story or a chapter? I hope there is more.
Specifics:
- Paragraph 2 - No Englishman would call football soccer. Using "football" instead of "soccer" would make this man more believable.
- Eighth paragraph from the bottom - "Roughly six hundred pounds sat in his pocket" I had to read that twice to understand that the six hundred pounds were in the dead man's pockets and not the constabel's pockets. I wonder if replacing "his" with "the man's" would be better.
- Last paragraph - I love this as the ending! You tell a complete ending in 47 words. However, It took me a while to realize that this paragraph is occuring after the previous part of the story. I believe the convention is to use "****" on a line separating a break in time. For instance:
Very interesting story. You do a good job of creating a creepy atmosphere without action.. Using the character's heart beat with increasing indents is a nice touch. It gives the story a bit of a poetic feel. I did feel that the story was a little choppy in that it had a lot of short sentences, many of which started with "he". That isn't a problem per se, it just isn't a style I prefer (yet I naturally write in that style).
To be honest, I don't usually "get" poetry. That being said, this is a powerful poem. Beautifully written and clear in purpose. In the prose, I can hear a cadence or beat to which this poem would be read. That is important to me as I think of most poetry to be like songs.
The premise is interesting. Two teens receive mysterious text messages and follow them to a city factory together. I like the dialog because it seems natural and realistic. My biggest issue with the story is that you are using a first person present tense point of view but we understand very little of Jade's emotions and feelings. This causes it to read as a list of events (she did this, then he did this, then this happened, etc...) I want to know what is she thinking. I remember receiving a secret admirer note once in high school. Like the dope I was, I waited after school by the soccer field. My mind was racing through the possibilities. Who was it? Is she cute? I wonder if it's this girl or that. That is what Jade should be going through. BTW, my secret admirer never showed up but I later found out who it was. (True story). In the end, the story you are writing begs for this kind of realism and excitement.
This was very funny:
"“I know! It’s like ‘hummmm….what should I do today? Maybe I’ll wait til dark, then go to some random address to meet god knows who!’ I mean, please.”
We look down at the phones as the seconds tick passed.
“So, your car or mine?” I ask quietly."
Specifics:
"I look out the window as blurs of factories speed by" - I envisioned them driving in a city area. If that's the case then factories would not speed by. They would have to be on a high-way for that to happen.
"These six words come to change my whole life. How can a decision that is seemingly so insignificant impact the course of history forever? How can the very weight of it not have crushed us on the spot? It’s hard to imagine that with all the discoveries people have made, those few words cap them all." - The story is told in the present tense, but this paragraph assumes knowledge of the future. I like the meaning but I'm not sure it fits.
Please understand that I’m a thirty-six year old father of two. This story is probably not aimed at someone like me. I say this because the lingo in the story doesn’t make much sense to me. I understand it but I don’t know anyone who talks like the characters in the story do. This is not a criticism but just something I realized.
Just like the prologue, this is very well written. I like the writing style where you use varied length sentences and mix in a lot of dialogue. You build a mostly believable setting for Twyla.
The one major issue I had was with Kylie’s reaction to learning that her friend is a vampire who has murdered 21 people. That part was not believable to me. I would expect a much stronger reaction than what she had. I do like the way the scene ended with Kylie seeing the advantages of her friend’s circumstances. She likes the money and material gains.
Particulars:
- "Why's it always go to the stupid new channel," she mumbles to herself; Did you mean “news channel”?
- Paragraph 12: I’ve never seen someone mouth off to a teacher like that and not have any repercussions. Also, the character seems mostly apathetic but in this paragraph she is downright mean. Is that your intention? I’m just not sure if it fits with the rest of the chapter.
All in all, this is a well written story. You do a great job of showing us what happens without long lists of events. The character is believable. In particular I loved this line; “Rashad Johnson I pronounce you one dead mutha”. That was a nice touch. It really shows the attitude and general apathy that is part of the girl. The one problem I have with that is in Chapter one you show her as being more vulnerable. I’m not sure the chapter one girl is the same as this girl.
Particulars:
- Paragraph 3 – “I miss milk too” I think that should be “I miss milk to”.
- Paragraph 3 “ a drunken vampire running town” Did you mean to say “running through town”?
Wow, this is a fantastic story. Is this part of a novel or novella? I love the dispassionate way she kills the three men. She must have a reason for intervening, yet she also seems apathetic. This makes me want to read more and find out what her story is. Also, props for the Anberlin reference. I think it’s a nice touch when a writer uses a real world song in a story. I’m just dying to put Misearbile Visu into a story.
The only criticism I can come up with is it seems like some of your sentences are long and a bit awkward. A few extra commas may help. “The third man was on me as I ceased my spin, swinging at my head with wide, wild punches and eyes to match.” Is one example where I had to read it a couple times.
- Paragraph 8: “Using my arm to pin his appendage against my side like a vise I simply” may be better with a comma after “vise”.
- Paragraph 9: “This time the center ring slammed into his solar plexus with a sickening thud “ It doesn’t seem like the thud would be sickening to the woman who hit him and the story is told from her perspective. That part made me pause.
- Paragraph 12: I think the soft area of a man’s temple is too small for a palm heel strike to do damage. I would either describe a strike that drives a knuckle into his temple or let the palm heel be strong enough to crush his skull. (I certainly could be wrong here but if I think this way, I suspect a typical reader may as well)
Very cool story. I particularly liked how Evan saw “those prosthetic vampire teeth”. This shows how the fantastic would look in real life. There could be real life vampires but we would assume they were costumes. I also like how you don’t tell us how the characters feel but show us by their actions. Lana’s eyes widening show an example of this. That was a nice touch.
The one thing that distracted me in this story is that this amazing event happened without any reaction from the other people in the BAR. Even if the others were vampires, they would have a reaction. I also think that Evan’s reaction to the situation was a bit weak. He should be completely freaked out and he just seems to be a bit confused. I would like to see a stronger reaction from him. That would make the scene much more realistic. For instance the question “Are there any other secrets you’re keeping from me?” would seem more realistic after an evening of coming to grips with this new excitement in his life.
Specifics:
- Paragraph 5 “her eyes widening” I think this should say “her eyes widened”
- Paragraph 18 “it was as if as soon as you heard them they disappeared from memory” is awkward. I had to read it two or three times. That being said, the imagery you portray here is excellent. I just think it needs a little better transition.
This is an interesting poem. I like how you specifically write it "through his eyes". It gives it a first person feel but shows an understanding from a 3rd person. The only criticism I have is that there is little flow. As a reader, I should be able to naturally feel the cadence that you as the writer want this poem to be read in.
I really like this story. Is it an allegory of a Christian man running the race of life?
Pros:
- Original
- Consistent style throughout (but still I ran)
- fast paced
- Tells a complete story in few words
Cons:
- Maybe used "but" too many times. "yet" may be appropriate in some places.
- At times seemed a bit too descriptive
Specific Items:
"The fair woman smiled sadly as I ran past. I didn’t look back but it felt as though my heart had left me and stayed there by the glowing shore to dance and sing of love. " (This is an awkward paragraph)
“Halt! Who goes there?” cried the man with the torch. The drunken men stopped fencing, staring at my dark figure." ("staring at my dark figure." seems like it should be modifying the first sentence instead of the second.)
"Like an unending onslaught they chanted." (might sound better as "in unending onslaught they chanted")
"The moon had begun to grow pale as the eclipse waned." (Are you trying to say that the moon was hidden but was now starting to light up or was the moon obscuring the sun and is now dimming? This part made me stop and I couldn't quite figure out what was happening to the moon)
" The figures rose and in the glow saw with clarity what monsters guarded the way before me." (should this be "in the glow I saw ...")
"and I knew then in my heart that it was there that my journey finished" (Instead of finished I would use "would end". This is my preference not something that is wrong with the sentence)
This is my first review here. Please keep in mind that most of this is my opinion and not based on any specific rules.
Pros:
- Interesting Story
- I like how the protagonist is impacted by hearing voices. It seems like she has trouble acclimating to this power. (I assume it's a recently discovered power)
Cons:
- If this is chapter one there may be too much knowledge assumed of the reader.
- Phrases like "The voice in my head had been quiet for almost an entire minute" assume knowledge the reader doesn't have.
- I don't get an emotional connection to either major character. (Why should I care what happens to the student?)
Specific Items:
The first paragraph has three sentences that start with I or If I. It feels a bit choppy.
The 5th paragraph is hard to understand. I would like to see more description of what happened not just the result of what happened. The sentence "Their struggle had been silent. She’d been scared enough at the appearance of a masked man in her room for it to resonate all the way across campus." doesn't seem to fit in a paragraph starting with "In his mind..." That though is in Evelyn's mind not his.
"She worried her bottom lip some more, trying to figure out what she was going to do." (I think that should be She bit her ...)
"Looked like Chloe’s dad had called in a favor to the hospital." might read better as "Chloe's dad must have called in a favor to the hospital"
same paragraph "we were being let go" might read better as "they were letting us go" (we were being seems awkward)
It wasn’t until I reach the middle of a hallway that the man’s voice chimed in. How am I going to get her out of here? Why couldn’t she just come quietly?" (This passage mixes past and present tense. - maybe should be "until I reached")
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