Great start, I liked the explanation to his workmate(?) that made me chuckle, nice bit of black humour. There's a short story by Neil Gaiman along these lines, in his anthology Smoke and Mirrors, whereby the protagonist is revealed to be a werewolf as an explanation for his vomiting body parts.
I'd be interested to see this when it is completed.
the bulbs...barely illuminated its...- I think it should be THEIR because bulbs is plural.
there was also a sextent- you need a capital T for the start of this sentence.
in-layed- should be INLAID.
emminating- I looked this one up to be certain, and it is EMANATING.
mid-evil weapons- Do you mean MEDIEVAL?
DOLLAR- unless you were using 'dolla' because of the way the shop keeper pronounced it, in which case I'm sorry, it's just me!
tatted lace- TATTERED.
to a Mr. jake Hutchens- capital J for Jake.
Bits I Particularly Liked:
There was a misty haze everywhere. It looked like billions of microscopic airplanes were hovering in the air just waiting for their turn to land.
- this is my very favourite line in the whole story, it's a fabulous description that makes dull old dust sound captivating!
I like the romance of the tale, and the idea of the woman not having to kill herself to be with her husband, it is more natural and peaceful and it's sweet that she gets to feel young again.
WHAT I WOULD CHANGE:
The paragraph describing what happened next seems a bit abrupt in comparison to the rest of the tale, though I'm assuming this has something to do with the word number limitations of the contest.
I think you could expand that part to make it more detailed, describing more carefully the discovery of the body and perhaps having the results of the autopsy conveyed as a conversation. This could serve to replace the final paragraph, which I felt upset the balance of the tale a bit.
The overall feel of this piece reminds me of Du Maurier's "Rebecca"- that feeling of a presence in the house and not being sure if it's real or imagined, and the husband's strange behaviour.
I like the idea of it, but I have noticed a few things that could be improved upon.
The dialogue sounds a bit unnatural. I can't imagine anyone saying "You've caused her death because of your lying cheating ways!" after such a horrific event.
It's too detailed, too accurate. Maybe something like "You did this!Hiding your whore in our home!" which feels a bit more emotive.
I have a bit of trouble with the line
I can’t believe I’m a murderer, but what Derek has done causes me to feel far worse.
Again, it doesn't ring very true to me. I know if I was in that position, my thoughts may not be so coherent, and how I felt physically would take over. Does the character feel sick? Is she suddenly chilled by the shock? Does her mind go blank? Does she clutch at a doorframe for support? How exactly does realisation dawn? Sudden or slow?
You use the words rasp, raspy, rasped and rasping several times in a short space. Try looking at synonyms that could replace it so it isn't over used. For example: hoarsely, croaked.
I would also like to see more general description, though this may just be a matter of personal preference- I love to be able to experience big chunks of a character's personal experiences as fully as possible so I can imagine I'm there with them and really be absorbed.
You talk about the noises, and about the house in a general manner, but as the narrator walks through the halls in the dark, there's nothing to make us see through her eyes.
Try including smell, sight and touch as well as sound to really make it concrete.
You have had a really great idea here; I'd like to see you expand on it a bit more.
Firstly, you need to take a look at spelling, punctuation and your use of words.
In places you use the wrong words or the right ones but in the wrong context, for example; you say the battle 'ranged' on, when the correct word is 'raged.'
You need to be consistent in your use of capital letters at the start of speech, and paragraphs would help to stop your story jumbling into itself.
I would like to see you describe Nabria and it's inhabitants in far more detail.It isn't clear why the vampire guards would respond to Sandra's pleas, or why vampires that raised humans would raise one to be loving, unless you illustrate how your vampires operate. Are they Buffy-like, in that they are evil but retain parts of their human character and can love and feel emotion, or are they autamaton killing machines?
It feels more like an outline for a story than the tale itself to me because you have set out what happens but not taken the time to illustrate more carefully the place, people and events.
I realise this may seem like a lot of criticism, but I hope you will not be disheartened, as I genuinely think you have the starting point for something very good here. I would love to read it again if you decide to edit it, as it has real potential.
Nearly fell of my chair laughing!
What a wonderful idea, and very well executed.
You keep to the feel and rhyme scheme of the original very well, whilst simultaneously bringing it up to date in subject matter. Very, very clever.
Makes me realise how true it is that
'Good writers borrow, and great writers steal.'
Well done!
Hey, just had a read of your story. Well done, it's good. Now here's me being picky and detailed...
Positives:
*This reads like the colloquial speech patterns of an eight year old, so you are very successful in getting his character across.
*The game and how it plays out is described step by step so it feels as though the reader is really watching the Monopoly game.
*I liked the ending. Robert's triumph at winning the game is great!
Things to look at:
*Spelling- 'morgage' should be 'mortgage.'
*There are a couple of places where you've used capitalisation where it's not needed- for example: 'her comic book and If she won she would get my favorite book.' the word 'if' does not need a capital letter.
*If you wanted to expand on your idea, you could use more description- what does his sister look like, what's their house like...the pieces and the board of the game could be described so it feels like you are seeing it through the eyes of the child.
*This is billed as a child's comedy. There are some humorous elements, but perhaps you could build on those?
*Maybe have more dialogue between Robert and his sister.
Overall, this is a good story. I enjoyed reading it. Keep writing, I'll pop back and take a look sometime.
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