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Review by Mira
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
H. Nielson:
It was a bit difficult to rate this item because it is incomplete. However, I enjoyed reading what is there. You definitely have a knack for writing. "Showing" instead of "Telling" has come easy to you, which is important. But there is something missing--besides the ending. You need to work a bit on the flow of the language. Try to avoid using the same word (unless the word is "and," or "the," or "is," more than once within at least two sentences. In one instance, the word you repeated again only a short time later was "however." Also, edit and polish the work a bit. Grammatically speaking, there are words that can be omitted from sentences without losing the meaning. The word "just" is one of those. Cut out unnecessary adverbs(-ly's) and adjectives to tighten everything up a bit.
Concerning where the story should go from here: There is a book you should read called "20 Master Plots and How to Build Them," by Ronald B. Tobias. This book is a must-have. It will show you the underlying patterns that exist in all of fiction and will help you to find a path for your own plot to follow. The Mexico Story, so far, tells me that this is a coming-of-age story. I sense from what I've read that somehow, at the end of the story, the main character will have undergone a great emotional change at the end of the story. Perhaps the girl will fall in love with a Mexican boy, much to the chagrin of Johny and her family (who'd have to find out through letters written home or phone calls.) This would be a befitting direction for the story to go, given the conversation between father and daughter in chapter one. Read the book! It'll run you about $15. But if you're as passionate about becoming a successful writer of fiction, as I am, you'll see that the book is worth its weight in gold. Feel free to contact me at my email if you have any other questions. I hope that this review has helped you. And don't quit writing. Determination is the key to publication. ( I wrote this on a sticky-note and put it on the bottom edge of my monitor, just as a reminder.)
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