I am not a professional writer but I will try my best to give you a review as a fellow writer and a frequent reader myself from my own point of view.
What I like the most in your story is the idea itself. I love the idea of your story. It's quite refreshing and different from the other materials that I have read. I give you points for your creativity in finding an idea for this story.
While I love the idea of your story, I'm finding it hard to read because of some grammar mistakes which I will list below. Firstly, you should consider using line spacing since your story can be a little messy to read without line spacing. Secondly, you should also put quotation marks in some of your dialogue since some of your dialogue lacked quotation marks.
Your story is quite interesting and with a little bit of fixing, then it will get better! Don't worry, just learn from your mistakes. I am sure that you can do it.
I hope you have a great day!
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– J.K. Rowling
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