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Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

What a cute and lovely read! I can understand your embarrassment perfectly.

A few suggestions:

I did feel that this should be formatted with spaces between the paragraphs.

I also felt that less passive verb usage would benefit this piece. Almost every sentence contained one, and after a while this felt a bit redundant.

It was a beautiful spring day. The greenhouse had been up and running for a week or so now. Everyone had beenbuying flowers to plant out in their yards. The store had been very busy with the added business of the greenhouse.


Overall, this was a very enjoyable read. You packed a lot into 250 words!

Thank you for sharing this piece.

--Emerin
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252
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

Thank you for requesting a review at:

 Summer Review Forum  (E)
REOPENED FOR SUMMER! Come in for a review from two talented reviewers....
#1213582 by emerin-liseli


What an interesting piece! It has a sort of "story-telling" feel to it, an old-style myth, that is refreshing. The audience is directly addressed ("You can understand what happened next").

I noticed that you listed this piece as "other". Consider adding in more genre types; it'll just lead to more exposure for this piece. *Smile*

A couple of grammar/formatting related points:

After a line of dialogue, you must start a new paragraph. Example:

. . . Now nobody was moving anywhere because the "clouds" were of equal strength. Finally the dragon yelled, "Stop this nonsense! We will decide this by war!"
new paragraph
The dragon and two bushy eyed monsters let go of the asteroid belt. The chameleon, caterpillar, and unicorn kept pushing on it.

Careful of "it's" versus "its".

You see, the dragon and the two bushy eyed monsters were out to destroy the earth and it's its inhabitants.

Also watch out for wordiness and redundancies.

There was A cloud shaped like an eel that came in on the dragon's side. Another was while a lion arrived on the other side and who started fighting the eel.

This passage makes more sense with a little tweaking.

Overall, this was a highly amusing piece to read. Thank you so much for sharing it with me.

--Emerin
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253
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Steven,

Again, another interesting installment. You introduce new characters that, although not immediately likable, are intriguing.

Plot-wise, I have no problem with this piece. It's suspenseful, and flows well.

I think you need to put a line of space when the dialogue speaker changes. I see this problem only in the "previous installment" bit, which, in my humble opinion, isn't really necessary. I would provide a link to the Prologue, but that's it. *Smile*

My main nitpicking lesson of the day will be on commas.

Recurring Problem Number One:

“That’s enough, Julia,” the teacher said, addressing the girl in the back.

Rule of thumb: after a verb and before a fragment starting with a gerund (something that starts with -ing) a comma will be necessary.

Example:

The girl stopped, breathing heavily.

He yelled, waving his arms.

You wouldn't use it, however, like this:

She began running. No comma.

Make sense?

Recurring Problem Number Two:

Dialogue grammar. Okay, here you're using too MANY commas.

“What goes for Twin A also goes for Twin B, Dan,” the teacher said, smirking. The boy slunk back into his seat away from his twin sister. Turning his attention back to the rest of the class, the teacher said, “There, now that we’ve had our input from the Twins Andrews,” at this both Julia and Dan blushed slightly, “I will not discount that it is possible for us to have a snow day tomorrow. We live off of Lake Erie for the Lord’s sake!” With this comment the teacher crossed himself quickly before continuing, “But you need to prepare to be here, I will not show mercy.” At that the bell rang.[,] “Class dismissed.”

Okay, that last sentence: no comma unless you mean the bell literally rang the words "class dismissed."

The first example, I added "the teacher said" because you can't just have a gerundial modifier (same problem as before) and go straight into dialogue without making it a fragment. However, you could also do it like this:

He turned his attention back to the class. "

Here, the period is also used.


Sorry for all this grammatical nitpicking, but I see those problems happening over and over again throughout this piece. I'm not going to list every single one for you, so please comb this again. *Smile*

The plus side: the story is great, which isn't something I could easily tell you to change. At least for grammar, all you gotta do is make quick changes!

Good job!

--Emerin
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254
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Steven,

Thank you for your submission to my review forum!

Wow! What an interesting piece. I enjoyed the world you created and found the idea well thought out.

However, I do have a couple pointers for suggestions.

“A……………… men……………………”

I found the "....." redundant. I don't think it is necessary to convey that effect, and if you absolutely must, do so with your words, not your punctuation.

I would stay away from double exclamation marks and double question marks, only because it looks unprofessional and most publishers do not accept them.

From time to time I found that this piece was what I call micro-wordy. This means that on a smaller scale, your writing could be tighter, and more concise. For instance:

After Ailana latched onto the broad frame of Michael Michael's broad frame and cried on his shoulder. Ailana spoke softly, “My vision has begun, and there may be no way of stopping it.”

Changing the word order makes it sound less redundant. "Michael's broad frame" flows smoother and doesn't sound as clunky as "the broad frame of Michael." You also need a period there.

Hope this review helps!

--Emerin
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255
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

What an interesting and creative memoir. Thank you for sharing about your father, and the role he has played in shaping your character and your life.

If you're ever in desperate need of a review for a piece, I would recommend stopping by any one of the fabulous review forums we have here on WDC. That's a sure-fire way of getting a review.

I do have some suggestions, however:

1. Parentheses over-usage. Please be careful not to use these too much. It's an easy fall-back method of writing, but can clog your prose. In a piece this length, I think having maybe five ( ) would be pushing it.

2. Please don't use "???" Try to stick to just one question mark. It looks much more professional and not so chat-speakish.

Spot-check:

I do believe that it was in that house that I celebrated either my third or fourth birthday, and I remember Dad sitting back in the corner of the dinning dining room with one of those silly birthday hats on, trying to convince me that it was his birthday and he was turning three (or four), not me. For the sake of the story, I would just choose one: three or four? It clogs this entire passage up with unnecessary pondering and makes the reader question the clarity of the narrator's memory. I chose three for editing; you may prefer four.

I remember when we went on long car rides, she would climb down between the driver's door and seat and fall asleep. watch commas and apostrophe usage.

The next memory I have of my dad is not a good one, and I think I can honestly say that had he actually followed thru through with his plan, he would have kicked himself everyday for the rest of his life. I took out "I think" because it gives that sentence a hazy sense, while taking it out makes it much clearer. When expressing opinions, as a rule of thumb, be clear with what you say. It makes pieces scintillate when you can set lines.

Okay, other than the grammatical nitpickings, this piece was very good.

I hope this review helps.

Write on!

--Emerin
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256
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi S.M. Ferguson,

I'm a guest judge for
 Invalid Item  []

by A Guest Visitor
, and here's your review! All scores are out of ten, and the highest score is forty.

Grammar: 4

In general, your grammar was good, and there were no blatant spelling errors {thank you!}

There were, however, many smaller errors scattered throughout the piece. Please proofread once more.

Walkingnospace, I stare people in the eyes until they look away.

I am the predator, they are my prey, and? I can never let them forget that.

My headache throbs to it’s its rhythm. careful with this one.

I study and assess every derelict I see long before I pass them;[,] not everyone is what they appear to be out here.

My T-shirt is damp with sweat, for it is hot in the city this a August night.

Sloppy work, I thought.

Word Usage: 6

Nice analogies, good job painting the character of your narrator. You kept my interest the entire time! Your narrator's pity for the murdered old woman gives her an interesting dynamic, but I wished for more of how and what made your narrator into the woman that she was. I also wondered about her friend that she was supposed to meet. Where was he?

I am assuming your narrator is female, but really, I have no way of knowing. Can we have more of exactly who she is?

Relativity/Format: 8

I had to dock some points because it wasn't over a 1000 words, but overall, you hit the prompt right on the nail.

Impact: 6

Again, a good job with this. I could sense the fear running below the narrator's tough-girl (or tough-boy, I suppose) act. Just fix the grammar and clarify a couple things about the character's physical details, and you have a fantastic piece!

This has a lot of potential. Thank you for sharing.


Total: 24


--Em
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Review of January 26th  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi fyn ,

I'm a guest judge for
 Invalid Item  []

by A Guest Visitor
, and here's your review! All scores are out of ten, and the highest score is forty.

Grammar: 6

The grammar in general was very good. There were some fragments here and there, and while a couple are okay for emphasis, I think you overused them. You are also missing a line break between the fourth and fifth paragraphs.

Also,

{/}A scant few days left of safety shadowed by shadows moving on the lawn. I don't know what that {/} is doing there. I think you meant the end the italics a bit earlier.*Smile*

Word Usage: 6

I think you did a good job choosing words. I felt the repetition was a little too long, and that it should be limited to one paragraph to be completely effective.

Relativity/Format: 7

Unfortunately, this does not follow the word count rule of over 1,000 words, so I had to dock some points. But overall, I think you did a good job with the prompt.

Impact: 5

Overall, there was an impact, but I felt it could be told a little clearer. I was a bit confused at times what was going on, and I think this could be cleared up by introducing the first person narrator a little bit earlier.

Total: 24

Best of luck in the contest!

--Em
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258
Review of Lost in fear.  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Equinox!

Thank you for entering
 Invalid Item  []

by A Guest Visitor
.

I'm a guest judge for this round. All scores are out of ten, and the highest score possible is forty.

Grammar: 2

There were no blatant spelling mistakes or anything, but there were A LOT of fragments.

Take this passage for example:

This great forest that stretched out as far as the eye could see. A lake that glistened in the golden sunlight focused in a mirror like still beyond their chosen camp. and this last sentence just did not make any sense to me at all.

Another pointer:

SEMICOLONS! I think they are one of the most misused punctuation marks on WDC. Anyway, semicolons connect two independent clauses; this means two sentences! Take this, for example:

Mark was only twelve, and this was his first camping trip; out with his family and neighbours, he was excited to be here with his family and neighbors.

Word Usage: 5

Pretty decent. I think at times it felt a little overdramatic, but overall, I think you did a good job.

Relativity/Format: 10

Perfect. The word "fear" was not used; this hit it right on the nail.

Impact: 4

Despite the grammatical mistakes, I think the impact is there. Of course, if this was a bit more readable, the impact would be much higher...

Total: 21

Best of luck with the contest!

--Emerin
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Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi teihzbael,

What a lovely piece. I really enjoyed reading it.

You have a very strong personal voice that just shines through. I do have a couple suggestions, though:

“I feel sick,[.]” I mumble to my wife and close my eyes. You need a comma, not a period, here

“It doesn’t have any hair,[.]” I mumble. Same rule. Also, you use the word "mumble" both times you use dialogue, so I would consider changing one to "mutter" or "murmur".

Hope this helps! Write on!

--Emerin
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Review of One: Brother  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Bard,

Thanks for stopping by
 Emerin's Review Forum! -- CLOSED  [E]
Take a look around! Reviews galore for a very reasonable price. =D
by emerin-liseli


This is an interesting piece, and I enjoyed reading it. Here are my comments, and I hope they help!

Setting: Very nice. I think you found a good balance between overdoing it and not showing too much. I could really imagine the warehouse, and your image of Galewind. My only suggestion would be to perhaps mention that it is nighttime a little earlier in the piece; you mention it in the fourth paragraph, but pretty much only in passing. This could be a bit of a problem, because I imagined it to be streaming sunlight until that point.

Characterization: Also fine. I am fond of Brother, and can feel some sympathy of Rolandt, deranged as he may be. Arden seems to be a bit of a cliche in some parts (evil wizard descending and shocking people with his fingers), but if that suits you, I think it's alright. I have a lot of questions about Brother. What is a Redcrest? Why is Arden so furiously trying to kill them? etc.

Plot: The plot flowed smoothly and was comprehensible, but the main reason this piece got a 3.5 rating is because it ends unfinished, or at least it FEELS unfinished. Is this a chapter from a book? Is there more information that I would know if I read on? As a short story (which is what I assume it is) the plot has a lot of faults. We don't know what a Redcrest is. We have no idea why the two are fighting in the first place.

Grammar: My main complaint is that you don't punctuate your dialogue correctly. You need to put quotes into QUOTATION marks, "Like this," not 'like this.'

Also be careful with your passive verbs (which you have a lot of.) Those are verbs like "had" "were" "was", any form of "be". They slow the pace down in your story, which is a shame because the pacing was one of the best things about it.

For instance:

The thickness of the night air muted the bright jangling of his keys was a bit muted in the thickness of the night air as the mist was beginning began to settle upon the hills.

This was done, he was just started to walking over to the grinding wheel with sword in hand, when he heard a crash from behind him.

A little typo:

Arden Mernith was there, perched upside-down upon the cieling ceiling like the venomous recluse he was, and he now had a great sense of irritation at the fact that he Rolandt's failure now was being forced to get his hands dirty. and this is just a passive verb easily eliminated.

Okay, hope this helps! If you make any changes, or explain to me what exactly is going on with the plot and such, I'll come back and change the rating. If this is a shorter part of a longer piece, you need to up that it's a chapter when you choose item type, okay?

Thanks for stopping by.

--Emerin
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261
Review of Rainbow  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Shelly!

I'm a guest judge for
 Invalid Item  []

by A Guest Visitor
, and here's your review! All scores are out of ten, and the highest score is forty.


Grammar: 5

I didn't find many blatant errors (except for one, more on that later, yay for hardly any errors!), and my biggest concern is with your dialogue punctuation. Consider this:

“What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger,”[,] my Dad said. The comma needs to go INSIDE of the quotation marks. Simple, huh?

Also be careful with your commas. You use them right most of the time, but every now and then there are mistakes. Just go back and comb this piece again. For example:

Two of the girls were tucked soundly in their beds, and little Katie, who was two at the time, was sitting beside me in my room.

I collapsed against the door, struggling to lock it in an attempt to keep the gale force wind from returning.

Okay, here's your one spelling spot:

I grabbed the phone and franticly frantically is what you want dialed 911 as I ran past my bedroom, which was by this time, completely engulfed in flames.

Word Usage: 7

I love the analogy! The word usage was good; you picked vivid verbs and descriptions that kept me hooked throughout. The only concern I have would be the over usage of the phrase "It was" or "It were" when describing. Try to use a stronger method of SHOWING what is going on rather than telling.

Relativity/Format: 7

Although this story is about fear, it's not really a specific incident.


Impact: 9

Heck, wonderful story! I haven't read one that kept me this gripped for a while! Sure, a couple grammatical errors distract, but overall, this is great. Loved this piece.



Total: 28

Good luck in the contest!

--emerin
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Review of How i see my self  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi Lia,

Thank you for writing such a beautiful poem. Although you have a strong personal voice that really shines through, this piece needs a lot of work.

All the 'i' should be capitalized.

"My self" should be "myself", all one word.

frogiveness is mispelled. It should be "forgiveness."

when i see my self, i see the world for what it is,i compete even with my heart.

This line should read like this:

"Wen I see myself, I see the world for what it is; I compete even with my heart."


Another problem I see is this poem reading too "prose-like". Consider playing with stanzas and line breaks to give this a more flowing feel that will really complement the message you have behind the words.

Take this line, for instance:

I want to be happy, i want to be social, i want to have hope, but illusion will never turn into something real.

Consider breaking it up into stanzas, like this:

I want to be happy
I want to be social
I want to have hope
But illusion will never turn into something real

I think this line especially needs to be broken up, because it is too long. If my changes don't work for you, how about cutting the line right after the word "hope"?

This piece has a lot of potential! With a little work, it should be fantastic!

Thank you for giving me the chance to read your poem.

--emerin
263
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Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Sesheta,

Wow, what an interesting piece! You have a lot of interesting ideas that really caught my attention. I enjoyed reading this.

The only suggestion I would have for improvement is to be careful with your passive tense: verbs like was, had, were, etc. Those are generally weak, and make the story sound more like TELLING instead of SHOWING.

Let's take your first sentence, for example:

The Doctor’s Lair was populated with many unnamed creatures. Many unnamed creatures populated the Doctor's Lair. Because this is an "action" verb now, it creates a stronger sentence, especially for a first one. I love how you start this, by the way, with these unnamed creatures. It makes the reader go "what?!" right away.


My only other notes would be perhaps a little more description of the Lair. Descriptions of the creature were fantastic.

Write On! If you ever need any help, don't hesitate to ask!

--em
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264
Review of Sweet Rain On Me  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Taarash!

Nice reading something from you again *Wink*

You can just send me the GP's through the return mail.

Anyway, going to your piece:


This has a very soothing, melodic feel to it. Good job! It actually did remind me a lot of the feel of "rain" because of the repetition, and how rain is like a steady downpour....this poem was like a steady downpour of words.

I do have a couple of suggestions:

I wouldn't capitalize the first letter of every line. It's sort of a personal preference, so you might want to just consider it and see how it works for you.



Your voice was sweet rain on me
When I heard over the phone [7]

Your voice was sweet rain on me
You didn’t make me feel so alone [9]

The syllable count reveals this further, but the number of syllables in your rhyming is dissimilar, which generally means it reads choppily, and that's the effect I see here. Consider my changes:


Your voice was sweet rain on me
When I heard you over the phone [8]

Your voice was sweet rain on me
You didn’t make me feel so alone [8]


Read it, and if it works for you, great! I'm sure that you can think of a better way to remedy the flow. *Laugh*

Anyway, great poem! Write on!

--em
265
265
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Risan,

Interesting story! I enjoyed reading it. But I do have to know first...do you actually draw out all the artwork? Just wondering lol. Anyway, getting to the actual part of the review:

Andrew is an interesting character; I like him. lol. Nothing terribly exciting happens during this chapter except for introductions, and a bit of setting, which of course isn't bad for a first chapter; it might actually be necessary.

A couple typos I picked up on:

Most disconcerting was the desk in row three, forth fourth from the right. Is that what you meant?

A few students let out some light titters, whether it was either because of Andy's humiliation or the rather clever comment made by the teacher, it was unsure. This was an awkwardly worded sentence. How about changing it like this?

He was only fourteen; the biggest decision-making he made was whether to pick the green or orange gelatin in the school lunch line[.] (he liked the green gelatin). Such things were better left to the wise men on the northern mountains[.] (philosophy, not the gelatin picking). just be careful. The period goes outside the parentheses

Then, write a hundred-word summery summary of your thoughts and feelings leading to your decisive actions. You want "summary", not "summery". The former means a succinct recapitulation; the later refers something like or appropriate for summer.

Okay, here's my two cents! Sorry this took so long. (This is for the review forum, by the way *Laugh*

-em
266
266
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Nathan,

What an intense story! It was interesting, but I don't know why you formatted it the way you did. I think you should just have paragraphs, with line breaks between the paragraphs. The way you have it right now makes it read choppily and childishly.

Also, be careful about cliches, e.g. "couldn't believe her eyes".

This following passage felt repetitive. Try as much as you can to stay away from "she was" and "she had" phrases, and inject some originality even into generally mundane descriptive passages.

Kate, at was a young girl of about 17 years of age,. She had long brown hair and deep eyes that told a story whenever you {b]one looked into them. She was quite slim and wore an old brown jacket that covered her knees as she studied her textbooks. An old brown jacket covered her slim figure down to the knees as she studied her textbooks. Her father was a short man with an outward curved stomach. He was ageing aging quickly and his presence felt humble and warming. He was a caring man, and one with many simple motives in life. Okay, also be careful to SHOW, not tell. Instead of saying, "he was a caring man", show with concrete examples. It draws more interest in the story, and creates a deeper connection with the story beyond just the quickly paced action.

Okay, I hope that was helpful!

--em
267
267
Review of Always do I roam.  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Eric,

What a sad and touching poem!

I love how you were able to tell a story within the confines of structured poetry. I only wrote a pantoum once, and boy was it hard!

I have just a few suggestions:

Consider playing around with the punctuation. One of the great things about this form is that it allows for a fluid, melodic rhythm. Too much punctuation can ruin this because punctuation is what one of my writing teachers used to call "artificial halts"; you're forcing the reader to stop, disturbing the rhythm.

Now, if this is your intention, that's fine, but personally, I think this piece would read better if there weren't as many periods and commas and such. Definitely you should never have a period at a spot where there shouldn't even be a period in normal prose; for instance:


Moving from place to place,
Looking for the one[.]
Searching for that face
Behind the loaded gun[.]

Both these are phrases, not sentences; no period, I think.

Also sort of along the same line, play with your capitalization. The first letter of every single line does not need to be capitalized.

I didn't really get the thing with the gun. Was is metaphoric? Symbolic? Or was it supposed to be concrete? If I'm the only person who doesn't get it, don't worry about it. lol. I'm not very good at these types of things. But if others comment on it, you might want to change it/make it more clear.

Okay, I hope that was helpful, and I'll definitely be back!

--em
268
268
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi!

Great contest you've got here! Keep up the great work!

I do have a couple suggestions,though:

*Balloon1* Make it more attractive! Add balloons, hearts, stars, etc. If you need a custom-made sig for this contest, there are plenty of sig shops in WDC; I would also be willing to make one for you, too, but my sigs aren't too good. lol.

*Balloon2* Ask for donations! There are many generous people on WDC; someone is bound to give you a hand *Laugh*


Best of luck, and I hope you like my entry!

--em
269
269
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

This is review number three from me! Jess has asked me to do six reviews from this folder for you...for placing in the Precious Gifts Contest!

Another lovely poem that tells a story using familiar fantasy names.

The rhyme and rhythm was good, as usual, but I do have a note about the dialogue punctuation:

Old Nellie said, "I know what's wrong

A comma is necessary here.

"I'll give you all a dose,[.]" she said. A comma is necessary here, too, because "she said" cannot stand alone as a sentence. Makes sense?

Hope that was helpful!

-emerin
270
270
Review of Addiction  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Trace,

An interesting poem. I enjoyed reading this.

*Thumbsup* You've developed your own personal voice that is impressive and touching through your words. Good!

*Thumbsup* The extended metaphor actually works! *Laugh* It's poignant, and creative (something that I've never even heard or thought about!)

Okay, a couple notes to improve this piece:

*Cut*You have an interesting rhyme scheme going on. First it was in AABBCC....then at the end, you switched to ABAB. To make that switch more dramatic, I would do this:

Been so long I can't recall what drove me this insane.
LINE BREAK
I had a hunger, the fruit of my choice.
I took a bite, had another then just one more.
Killing mind, body, and soul, murdering my heart's voice.

Self-control? first my last bite, just one more....then I'll open that door.

*Cut* Punctuation! Depending on the style of your poem, you want to vary the punctuation. Your poem echoes a more "modern" feel; therefore, I would recommend LESS punctuation. I would use less periods and experiment more with em-dashes ( -- ). Sort of on the same note, capitalization! Every single first letter of a line does not need to be capitalized. *Laugh* Play around with it a bit more.

*Cut* Typos, grammar-os...

It's the fatal sap that feeds me. careful on the difference between 'its' and 'it's'. You want 'it's' here because if you expand that, it goes to it is. A couple other points:

It's to die for.

Kay, hope that was helpful!

Stop by again!

--em
271
271
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Richard,

Ooh. Something interesting is happening. Kept me glued *Laugh*

I really liked this chapter. You've done a good job with it.

I do (of course!) have a few suggestions.

I think the gravestone name/inscription should be italicized.

“And what if we're caught?!” This is partially a personal preference and the preference of all the publishing guidelines I have come upon: generally the "?!" is not acceptable. Personally, I just think it looks childish *Smile*{?b}

There also is the issue of using commas to separate clauses:

He moved aside, allowing Treasa and Connell to go in before he lifted the rifle from his shoulder and concealed it in the bushes to the right of the door.

When a clause starting from the gerund follows an independent clause, there must be a comma.

I can be a grammar freak at times. *Laugh*

But I really do enjoy your story.

Looking forward to your next chapter!

--emerin
272
272
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Richard,

So Treasa and Seamus continue the journey, and a tiring one it is!

Treasa also shares with Seamus a little secret of hers... *Wink*

Your story is good, although it is a bit slow paced at this point: a contrast from your first chapter, which was very quickly paced.

Still, your grammar is a little iffy at some places. Before we look at your first paragraph, let me make a little note. Try to avoid "has" and "had" and other passive verbs. Go for stronger, action verbs in your story. Okay, here we go:

Not long after Séamus, Treasa and Connell's departure from the Briens', the wind really began had really begun to pick up. Starting in gusts, by midday it had finally settled on a constant twenty miles per hour; the wind ripped at the traveler's clothing of the travelers relentlessly. The sky had remained virtually clear through the morning; it was not until the sun was high overhead that the storm clouds began to materialize in the distance. Rolling hills scattered the land in every direction along with small pockets of trees and shrubs. Side by side they walked on, Séamus on Treasa's left, carrying Connell.

Okay, also be careful about conciseness. The clothing of the traveler's is less concise than the traveler's clothing. (Just like you wouldn't say the book of Arnold, you would say Arnold's book).

The dialogue was, again, a little iffy in places.

Story was good, though! Keep writing!

--em
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Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Richard,

A lot of dialogue in this chapter, and we learn a bit more about secondary characters and such, and get some back story. We also get more of Seamus's dream about America, etc, some of the other historical aspects.

Seamus and Treasa finally head south. (Whew, it was a long night!)

Again, the dialogue punctuation was a bit off in places:

“Thank you Aidan, this really means a lot to me,[.]” he said, every ounce of gratitude in his voice. “When you go to collect the twelve take the rest as well."

Just be careful! You do it right most of the time.

--emerin
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Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Richard,

After reading Chapter One, I've meant to get to Chapter two for a while now...

But here I finally am!

A good story, and we get more into the characters in this part. You've done a good job of drawing us into the characters and making them multidimensional.

The only note I would have is to work on the dialogue grammar:

"I think we're ready,[.]" she said. This should be a comma because the phrase "she said" cannot stand on its own as a separate sentence. Does that make sense?

"Séamus and Treasa Kelley," he replied. Here, a comma is necessary. If you want to figure out exactly how this punctuation is done, crack open any book and look at the abounding examples {e:laugh

Anyway, great story. I think I shall continue...


--emerin
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Review of Jessica Kate  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi!

My name is Emely, and on behalf of the Precious Gifts Writing Contest, I'm giving you your reviews!

I'm from "Emerin's Review Forum! -- CLOSED" , by the way. *Laugh*

Wow! What a cute poem. I enjoyed reading this. The rhyme and rhythm was very good, and it was refreshing to read an acrostic poem that actually had some sort of scheme.

The only suggestion I would have is with the line "Apple of her Daddy's eye" just because it doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the poem. But I understand that it's hard to fit in because the rest of the poem is written in couplets, and the "A" kind of sticks out.

Maybe you could have a more general statement, like "Apple of her family's eye" instead of "Daddy's" so it sounds like a more definitive ending.

Okay, I hope that was helpful, and I'll be back for more! *Wink*

Jess asked me to do all the reviews from this folder, but if there's anything else you need a review on, please don't hesitate to ask!

--em
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