Holy writing, that is so dark! At first, I believed the story was about the character reuniting with his love/someone he cared about, but after Mizu saying that he was the one who brought her there and did terrible things to her, I began to see through his facade. I wonder who Mizu was before all this happened, as during the story she is angry, bitter and vengeful (not unreasonable), and it was a surprise when she died. The end was honestly very chilling, and I can't hep but feel sorry for the new victim.
First of all, I would like to say that you have done a very good job on this story. Its light and easy to read, however I feel like there is room for improvement. One of my main complaints is the grammar, there is some parts where I think a comma is needed, or an easier way to transition between sentences and/or paragraphs. Another thing I noticed is that the story in itself felt rather rushed, it definitely could have been drawn longer in my humble opinion. In all, I felt it's a good concept that could be expanded upon and improved a bit.
That gave me goosebumps! The way you hint that there is powerlessness in the character (in the lines "Can't dot the 'i's- they never blink" just has me on edge, wondering what must have happened to the character.
This is a work of art! I feel you did a really good job in expressing the emotion in this piece, without overloading with too much information, and I really love it! Also, the way it can fit into so many scenarios is amazing, I feel like in ways this is a rather fluid work that could be pieced together in so many ways.
I love the way the speaker is both careless and courageous, by letting his ego and eagerness to disregard safety for excitement. The way you ended it though, the cliffhanger of whether or not the speaker would succeed the "box-jumping" or would fail has me on edge. The description is on point as well, I can envision what is being described with such ease and get a handle on what they are feeling.
Oh my, this is a really good poem! I love the wording and the duality you have in here, "The world ain't a friend...But neither a foe" is a good example of that!
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