This is really, fantastic, Bob. You make jokes about writing free verse, but you've done very well. This is so powerful it just gives the reader a good smack to wake them up and what is really important. I love it. Best of luck in the contest!
I have no suggestions, personally, I wouldn't change a word.
I found your story in the read a newbie section so I thought I would check it out!
The title and description are both good, they fit the story perfectly. The first paragraph is nice and descriptive, almost poetic. I liked it. The second paragraph is also done well and sets up the unexpected ending of the solar flare.
I did notice one small typo,
Merciless the alarm clock sound once more. sound needs an 's'.
Overall this was a fun read and I'm glad I took the time to read it this afternoon! Thank you for sharing it with the community. I know it isn't easy to put yourself out there. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future!
I love your poem, it really struck a chord with me as my soulmate died 11 years ago. This piece describes the feeling of longing for what was lost very well. Great Job.
I didn't notice any typos or errors and I have no suggestions to improve this as I think it is perfect just the way it is.
Wow, this poem is beautiful. The feeling of the painting is reflected in your words. Fantastic!! It may not be able to win, but this is definitely a winner!
Once upon a time, there was a little gray poodle. Everyday, he would wander the busy highway looking for that special person who would keep him forever. One day, he went to an auction house and saw a lady standing outside. She talked to him and tried to get him to come to her. Because of that, he got scared and ran away, but something about her was different and he wanted to trust her. Until finally, he went up to her and she pet him and gave him something to eat. He followed her around her job all the rest of the day and cried when it was time for her to go home, so the next day she took him home where he lived happily ever after.
I love this! It is so true, intentionally cruel reviews are just terrible and really hard to not get upset over. I can take criticism, but when someone puts it in a way that is mean, it is uncalled for. Like the old say goes "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all!"
Wow, this is really well done. The emotion seeps from it and the message is so true.
I love this stanza:
Valuables valued;
for years insured against loss
now nothing more
than a pile by the side of the road on trash day.
Picked up and casually, carelessly tossed
into the maw that crunches,
snacks on yesterdays.
Then, always hungry for more,
drives on down to the next stop.
It really gets to me. I used to work for an estate auction, it was sad seeing the things that family members didn't want, didn't care enough to save and if they didn't sell we often were told to just throw them away and I hated doing that.
Hi, Amelia G. Mcneil and welcome to Writing.com! I'm reviewing your poem today by your request for "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS" These are just my opinions and I am by no means an expert on writing poetry. Please keep in my mind that any suggestions are only meant to be helpful and if you disagree just disregard them.
This is an emotional poem that reads like a conversation. I understand and relate to the theme and message of this poem, I've been there. I walked away from my abusive family many years ago and have no regrets.
I noticed that you mixed up the words your and you're
In the line:
Could compare to you're verbal and emotional abuse. the word you're should be your
and in the line:
Now your back and wanting to control me? your should be you're.
Your is possessive and You're is a contraction for you are.
I think the way it is displayed is interesting. It starts out with some good imagery.
I really like the first three lines. However, after that, it kind of loses its poetic feel and just seems like angry dialog.
Perhaps rewording it a bit something like this
ex:
Here we go,
It's starting again.
Sharp words cutting like a knife; A beating with your raging fist
could not hurt as much as this.
and from the parent:
An ungrateful little brat;
Family from money,
Disappointing debutante
who doesn't like her parties?
Overall, I'm glad I chose to read this poem, and I think it has potential. I hope to read more of your work in the future.
Hi, I just read your poem, "Solstice Surrender" and wanted to share my thoughts.
I am glad I read your poem this morning, it was really well written, had great imagery and flowed wonderfully. I could feel your mania, your frustration. I have borderline bipolar disorder, so I know what that manic thing is like.
I have heard of Seasonal Affective Depression but had no idea it could be as bad as this. I hope they do find a more effective treatment for you.
Oh, how I used to dream of doing this. Now I do sit at home and write all day, and sometimes, I miss having a job to go to and a steady paycheck. Sometimes, not often.
The husband's reaction was believable, but to me, it just seems like he gave in a little too easily. Losing part of a couple's income is a big thing for whatever reason, and I think it would have been a little harder to convince him.
Overall, this piece was well written and a nice quick read. Good luck in the contest!
I came across your poem in the "Read a Newbie" section and wanted to share my thoughts.
I can't imagine what the parent of a deployed soldier goes through, you have my deepest respect. My father was in the army and was often overseas, but back then, in the 70's and 80's the country was not at war.
Your poem was very moving and had an excellent flow. Your rhymes were very natural and not forced. I am glad I took the time to read this, well done.
Thank you for sharing this with the community, I know it is not an easy thing to do. I hope to read more of your work in the future.
I like the sentiment of this poem. I agree that when you are grateful for the blessings in your life you can find a reason to be grateful for even the smallest things, like a cup of hot chocolate on a cold afternoon.
I enjoyed reading this I like the style used in writing it. However, I think that in the second to the last stanza it would read a bit smoother if you reversed the words "necessary" and "receive".
Thank you for sharing this with the community. I hope you have a many blessing this December.
I really liked this short piece and the pen names were great! The "botanical prostitute" line gave me a good chuckle.
As a confessed tree hugger, I have only ever had a real Christmas tree once and that was only because a storm broke off part of a tree in my yard and the broken part looked like a perfect little Christmas tree so my kids begged me to use it. I have to admit, the scent was lovely, but not worth sacrificing a poor tree for every year.
Thank you for sharing this with the community! I hope you have a great Holiday season.
Hi, and welcome to Writing.com! I just came across your poem and wanted to share my thoughts.
I really enjoyed reading this. I love the imagery right from the first line, the flowing stream of consciousness tone and the picture it painted for me.
I am no great expert, but I do write poetry myself. I tried to find some helpful suggestion to give, but I can't come up with any. I think this is beautiful and I wouldn't change a word.
Thank you for sharing this with the community. I know it isn't easy to put your work out there. I hope to read more of your work in the future.
Hi, I just came across your story in the Read and Review section and wanted to share my thoughts.
This was a very moving piece of writing. The description led me to read it, as I know how life hits too hard all too well. I buried my groom, my soulmate, ten years ago and though I have moved on, I still miss him. If this story is based on a real even, I am very sorry for your loss.
Your short write really hit home with me, and I am glad I read it. Writing is a great way to work through grief, your feelings, memories, even anger.
I do have one small suggestion that is purely technical, as I think the sentiment and the impact of the writing are fantastic. The last sentence just a bit awkward.
The pain had grown so strong, and I became numb, the cool wind blew across my face, chilling the tears across my face, as I watched her casket lower into the ground.
A simple edit:
The pain had grown so strong I became numb. The cool wind blew across my face chilling the tears as I watched her casket lower into the ground.
Thank you for sharing this piece with the community. I know from experience it isn't always easy to put yourself out there. I hope to read more of your work in the future.
Hi, I just read your story "My Biggest Fan" and wanted to share my thoughts.
Let me begin by saying that the title and description are perfect for the piece.
I found this to be a well-written story, and that is only coming from a reader's perspective, I am not an expert on story writing or technical grammar. I like the way the conversation with the young mother on the train led to the memories and reasons for the falling out with his father.
The dialog seemed natural, and the characters believable. The story was paced well and the ending was great. I really enjoyed reading it.
I really like this poem. From the first word to the last it just flowed perfectly. The rhyme is great and natural. Just an overall great read.
I have no suggestions for improvement, this poem is perfect just the way it is. I am so glad I took the time to read it. Thank you for sharing this with the community!
I loved the sentiment of this poem. I feel this way about my late husband. Sometimes I am sure I still feel him with me will never stop believing that he is.
The poem flows well and is consistent with punctuation.
I have only one suggestion, and this is purely my opinion. I think the third line should be cut. It feels somewhat repetitive and also, later in the poem it mention "I go wherever you go" so he is there even when she isn't sleeping.
I am glad I chose to read this, thank you for sharing it with the community.
Hi, Purple Celebrates This review is part of your auction package from the Rising Stars Auction. I confess I completely forgot about this and I am very sorry.
When I saw that this was a limerick in the description I had to read it, I love limericks!
This was written well and is a new twist for the Man from Nantucket!
I've just read your editorial and even though a soulmate is in fact highly improbable, it is possible. If there is such a thing, I found mine and we had ten wonderful years together and have no doubt that we would be together still if he hadn't died.
I like the way you looked at the topic from three points of view and your conclusion is a good one. I hope that it all works out!
Hi, and welcome to Writing.com I found your piece in the "Read a Newbie" section and wanted to share my thoughts.
This short piece is hauntingly beautiful and very moving. I understand the feelings of the piece all too well, having lost my soulmate 10 years ago.
I did notice one small error, able to here, should be 'here' should be 'hear' I catch myself doing things like that all the time, so I just wanted to let you know.
I am glad I took the time to read this, thank you for sharing it with the community. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
Karen
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