Overall
Thoroughly creepy story. I did not see the tracking device coming. It was a nice twist and you made the story your own with the dialogue, which felt like real children. In addition, the way you switched tone was well done as well. I loved the fact the kids were trying to freak each other out, which seemed like something kids would definitely do. However, I feel like this story could be longer. After-all, as a reader we still don't know who these faceless creepers are and if they are doing this to many others. I could even see this being a novel.
Characters
I thought your characters were realistic. Their relationship was believable based upon the dialogue and the reactions of the girls. However, I feel like you could add more details to make them even more likable. At the beginning, you say the two friends have the same "likes and dislikes." Maybe you could put a more detailed account of what their likes and dislikes are to give the reader an idea of their friendship. For example, do they both love peppermint ice cream? Do they love a certain TV show? This will give the reader more to relate to in your story. Overall, however, I believed that they were young girls freaked out in the woods.
Grammar/Punctuation
There are a couple places that the work needs to be edited with subtle grammar errors. Example: " 'Say, do you know what happened at the cabin on the hill? I asked Megan, enticing her with my ghostly story." I think you forgot the close parentheses here. Overall, however, there was nothing incredibly distracting. You did relatively well with the grammar.
Description
There are some good descriptions in this story. For example, "Overgrown shrubs and tree branches whipped at our legs and faces and I felt that creepy feeling come over me again." I really felt that creepy vibe with this description and it made me realize something bad was going to happen.
I think that if you add even more tonal descriptions, with that same creepy vibe, the story would be even better. In the scene where they enter the house, I would have loved a description of the house. What does it look like in the dark? I'm sure that lights from the sun would reflect into the room. It would also help to set the tone.
Favorite
" "I'll be fine, school's beginning in two weeks," I told her. "Don't worry, we'll see each other then. Good-bye," I hung up.
I’m going to be alright, I’m going to be alright!" I loved the ending. It was a way to end the story wrapping up the fear that will affect that little girl for her life. It shows how she will never be able to go into that forest without feeling that fear. She might even have the illusion that she will see the faceless men again.
Good story. Thank you for writing it and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
Wonderful poem with subtleties within and interesting use of description. The way you so simply conveyed progression of the characters was masterful. I cannot think of any negative things to say about the story specifically. Although, I feel like this line could use a little editing, "he blew real hard and thought he slipped." I suggest deleting the word "real," It is unnecessary and does not contribute to the story's well selected sentences throughout. At the same time, this is my personal opinion. Overall, however, I enjoyed reading your story, finding it well done. Great work, I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
Interesting. I enjoyed your simple description and the way you thrust the us into the situation with the characters. I have honestly nothing critical to say about this story. I liked the supernatural element that was a perfect balance of characters and the supernatural. The dialogue is wonderful and simple, casting images in my mind of the character's personality. I cannot wait to read more of your wonderful work. You have a talent for simple, but thought-provoking. Keep up the great work.
Keep in mind the following review is simply meant to add to the poem and improve it. Any criticism is based upon my personal opinion and is open to interpretation.
Overall: The poem is an interesting look into to a tortured soul. I found the words you used well place and interesting. The picture in my mind is clear when I read your poem. You also clearly spent time determining each word and thinking about them.
My biggest nitpick within your poem I find is in the second line. "feelingless lying next to meaningless." I'm not sure exactly what your trying to say here. The best way to change the line is to alter the word 'feelingless,' which isn't as strong as the intriguing aspects of your poem. Beside the word simply sounds awkward. I'm not sure why. I would alter it slightly to something like this: "numb, meaninglessness, lying together."
My favorite line is the end. "Nothing to see, none to feel, nill in my hands."
I enjoyed reading your poem and would love to read more of your poems in the future. Thank you for giving me the motivation to take a look at your work. Keep working hard and you will become an amazing poet.
I enjoyed this poem. I find your use of words absolutely marvelous. It also calls to the front those those with lesser. The description gives me powerful imagery. It also creates a sense of intrigue and I love the way you ended the story. I believe as a reader, you could delve in more deeply into the character and make it a longer poem. However, it is wonderful at its length. I think it is good you are giving light to those that work and receive little in the world. Overall, good story with wonderful description, I think I just needed a little more meat to the poem. Otherwise, great job.
A wonderful story with an interesting set-up. I enjoyed your descriptions and slow progression into an intriguing world of mystery. I cannot wait to read more from you in the future. Thank you for this opportunity to look as a piece of writing that surpasses my own abilities.
My only critique would be the final sentence, where my guess is that you meant to say that Milton survived through his wife? Overall, the story is well done and I enjoyed Marvin Milton as a character. There wasn't an over abundance of dialogue or unnecessary words. Keep up the wonderful work.
I love the tone and idea of your story. The pet dragon is funny and interesting. I also enjoy how you presented the escape of the dragon into the story and excitement of the main character toward animals. She feels like a real character and the story flows well. I imagine that the you as an author wrote this under pressure to finish, so I consider it very good with that in mind.
My only critique is I would love for more description on the dragon and situations surrounding the main characters. If you added more description, the characters would come alive even more than they already have. Great writing. I look forward to reading your work in the future.
Fantastic story. I really enjoyed the use of imagery and the intriguing way you introduced the situation. The use of select words is impeccable and the interesting narrative is wonderful. I can't seem to think of anything that you need to improve on. I suppose the story could be longer, but I enjoyed the short and sweet you introduced the story. Great job and I looke forward to reading more from you in the future.
I enjoyed reading this story. It presented me with an interesting world to enter into. I enjoyed the premise and opening to the idea. The description of the city was intriguing. However, I sense that you as the writer were unsure exactly how to describe certain aspects of the story and cut the descriptions short. You do a great job as a writer leading the reader into the story, however, you also do not describe the tone and feel of the setting. I would've liked more description on the setting, but overall it was a good prologue and you have an entire story to add the setting.
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