Hey BeeHappy !!!! I really like your poem ... it's as though you are writing about a snapshot ... a moment in time ... long ago ... like the artwork of Alex Colville ...
If I may offer a suggestion though ... your line "I saw a several white hair in your head," ... perhaps a line more like ... "There were strands of silver through your hair,"
Also ... your line "But never been this empty within." Using emotional words would make this line stronger ... "I've never felt this empty within. And now I look at you again, And just found my way back home for certain." This might have a better balance?
Hey Miss R !!! First ... I'm so thankful to hear that you are taking care of yourself now ... it's never too late ... we are precious wherever we are on life's measuring stick ... I'm sorry to hear of your struggles and think about how lucky you are that you have family that want better for you ...
I'm wondering if you would consider inserting the word "left" in your sentence ... "And the lines are getting deeper right above my "left" brow. Just a play on words ... it would work in that sentence ... just saying ...
"My left ear is failing and I’m half deaf now,
And the lines are getting deeper right above left my brow."
I love your line ... "and now I think about us." This statement says a lot ...
Loved your poem ... it was real ... and honest ... and inspiring ...
Dear Dennis ... I’d love to be to offer some comments ...
The subject matter ... I’m studying that myself .... if I may suggest that you stretch out your introduction a little ... your first sentence spells out the story line right away ... I might start off with “the drink” ... making the decision ... it’s black or white ... it’s either going to happen ... or not ... I might put the decision directly in your hands ... not so much a relinquishing to your emotions ... it may not be important “why” ... just that the decision needs to be made ....
Also ... if I could suggest that you leave out the paragraph about the dogs ... it doesn’t lend anything to your story ... well unless one of the dogs pushes you off the bridge ... LOL ... just saying ...
I’m reading an excellent book right now ... written by an “editors” “editor” ... he simply says ... “if it doesn’t move the story forward, then it’s not needed” ... I’m paraphrasing of course ... but excellent advice for beginners ... like myself ...
I’m very curious where you will take this ... I’d love to read more ...
I had to re-read this a few times ... and after careful thought ... I think the subject matter is about suicide ... which is interesting as I am studying this myself ...
I particularly liked your line "He likened himself to famously bad people." That made me laugh out loud for some reason ... I was immediately visualizing "famously bad people."
You may want to change the tempo of the story line. I had difficulty reading the text as your sentences kind of ran into each other ... formatting perhaps (?) ... another suggestion might be to expose the "heroin issue" as the last sentence ... keep your readers guessing until the very end ...
I did like the reference to "heroin" as "she" ... and the relationship you develop between "she" and "he" ...
The last thing ... spelling ... "Drowning in RIDICULOUS ... "
Don't steal this tag line ... because I'm going to use it ... but ... "The Dopamine Slot Machine" would have been a good title ... just saying ...
I'm interested in where you are going to take this story line now ... feel free to let me know if you work on this any further ... I'd like to see where you go with this ...
Hey T ... your story ... the intense sadness ... is this your story? Are these your feelings? Today? I feel such empathy for you ...
If so ... can I ask you why ... why you let something that happened to you ... I'm assuming a long time ago .. have such control over you ...
You are a survivor ... underneath all those things you are telling yourself ... you are still here ... reaching out ... for someone to see you ... I see you ...
You can let people in ... the right people ...
And when all else is gone ... there is always hope ... hope sits in the corner waiting for you to need it ... and hope always shows up ...
I think this is the beginning of a journey for you ... up that mountain ... because ... if your words are true ... up is the only way ... and up is AWESOME ...
Maybe you could journal your way up and out of this ... that would be an incredible story to read ...
Be careful what you say to yourself ... be kind to yourself ... you are not alone ... you do have control of what happens to you NOW ... you are a SURVIVOR ... life is not dark ... or extreme ... and you are entitled to happiness ...
I hope you write more ... I'd love to read more ...
Dear C, OMG! I have more than a few comments to offer ... the story line ... BRILLIANT ... It’s such a powerful story ... perhaps a stronger beginning ... maybe begin with your time line ... “How long have I been here” ...
I might suggest that you “know” there must be posters up ... people searching for you ... capture that feeling of “hope” ... that will be more important to you as your story goes along .... bringing your readers to the brink of “hope” ... and then ... despair ... it’s a good emotion to play with ...
Your description of yourself ... long black hair, blue eyes, pale skin ... you are STUNNING ... I can’t imagine anyone with those features who would be less than STUNNING ... perhaps she is one of those beautiful girls who is absolutely beautiful but doesn’t know it ... that might be a character asset to play with as your story goes along ...
Matthew seems adorable ... is it “puppy love” ... or ... is Matthew involved in your situation ... posing the question .. “Do you really know this person” ... just a thought ... we always looking for ways to make our characters stand out ... taking your readers one way ... and then ... ... ...
I’m excited to see where your story takes you ... but all in all ... FANTASTIC STORY LINE !!
Hello D, What an interesting question you pose to us .... living in a world where everyone is equal ... a world where everyone and everything takes care of each other ...
What a lovely person you must be to think of the world in that way ... and to want those things for everyone ...
But that’s not the way things are ... in the real world ... really. It’s hard to navigate these days ... the disrespect we show for the planet we live on and the people we share it with ...
I’m assuming that you are a young person ... and maybe haven’t yet realized that you can change things ... one person and one opportunity at a time ... my generation ... and those before me have made a mess of things haven’t we ...
Our saving grace ... is your generation ... I see you rising up and speaking truth to power ... organizing ... demanding to be heard ...
I have hope for our planet and our survival ... because of people like you ... who want and deserve so much better than what will be handed down to you ...
Use your voice ... and make a better world ... and let me personally apologize to you for what you are about to inherit ...
Write a story about how you will use your voice and vision ... to create a world where everyone is equal ... and everyone and everything takes care of each other ... I’d love to read that ... that story will be AMAZING !!
I LOVED IT !! Every word ... I was drawn into the story immediately ... I was curious and grinning and yes ... laughing out loud ... “Pro-Pain” ... HAHAHA ...
I live with someone who suffers from depression and anxiety ... unbearable depression ... and constant anxiety ... I can offer you some insight into depression from an outsider's perspective ... from someone who experiences "IT" from a distance ...
"IT" does NOT want to share you. "IT" doesn't want anyone around you. "IT" is an expert at shrouding you in a cover of black ... "IT" will do anything to keep you submissive. "IT" becomes all encompassing ... "IT" is SELFISH ...
I have such empathy for you ... I know that you don't see it ... but those around you ... those who love you ... it's "so in their face" ... so clear ...
The thing is ... YOU have to see "IT" ... separate yourself from "IT" ... my husband is on meds too ... at first he took them because I made him do it ... fighting me everyday ... protecting "IT" ... defending "IT" ... choosing "IT" over his family ... but ... we have been relentless ... with our love and patience with him ... and his "IT" ...
BUT ... and it's an important BUT ... YOU have to WANT to get better ... there is work to do ... everyday work to do ... you are so young ... and impressionable ... and so lost right now ... "IT" owns you ... but ... YOU can change that ...
So ... YOU are NOT a "disaster" of a human being ... you are just human ... YOU don't have to cry every night ... just sleep ... take a break from all the lies you tell yourself all day long ... YOU CAN function ... YOU are NOT alone ...
Maybe it's time to look at what is TRUE about you ... and what is NOT ... and stop being so hard on your precious little self ... maybe it's time to take "IT" out of the darkness and show that "thing" some LIGHT ...
YOU can do this ... and then one day ... when you are an old wise woman ... like myself ... you will have an awesome opportunity to "pay it forward" ...
T ... choose to get better ... YOU GOT THIS ... just get started ... and the rest will follow ...
I'll be sending hugs to you ... if you feel them ... it's from me ...
Hey Rachel ... I'm sad for you ... you write about the six days between Christmas and New Year's Eve ... but I'm wondering if it's just those six days ... and if so ... what happened?
"I feel like a bird with broken wings." That paints such a fragile picture.
"I'm waiting for something ... and I don't know what it is yet." Do you know now? And if not, why?
You have captured that feeling of being lost ... but there is more.
I'd be curious to know the what, who, and why of it ...
Your ability to express emotion is so very good ... I would suggest working on this piece ... see where it takes you ... there is another year right around the corner ... are you still in this space? Have you grown from "that" experience.
Dear Ed ... Sophia ? (how sweet is that | are you a bit of a purist) .... 1963 ? Cherried out Mustang ... (no explanation needed ... I remember those days ...) ... Pinky Swears ... I still do those ... LOL ...
I would love to offer a comment or two about your story line ... first, very interesting plot ... you must have been excited to see where this story line would take you ...
My constructive comments would be to consider sharpening up your sentence structure. The "Less is More" approach. For example:
Thomas peeks out over the edge of the building. "Long way down" He says to himself. He hoists himself up onto the parapet. After a moment of looking at the Vista before him Thomas looks down at this feet and notes a pebble thats there. ...
Perhaps: Peering over the ledge of the skyscraper, Thomas tosses a stone out to the busy street below, his mind computing the damage done to concrete and human bone. Closing his eyes. Arms stretched out as if posed for crucifixion. The rhythm of his body swaying back and forth taking him closer to the edge.
I would also suggest using more "ing" words. Peering | swaying | Closing | that sort of thing ... I think it keeps your reader engaged in the moment ... like its happening RIGHT NOW ...
So ... just some suggestions. I think you are on to a very good story line.
I enjoyed your idea very much. Good luck with this ...
I wanted to let you know that ... I read your story outline last week ... and its been on my mind since then ... I wanted to take a few minutes to offer some suggestions ....
My first "suggestion" would be to break up your paragraph somwhat ... it is difficult to read at best ... I'm not sure if you wrote your story outline in another program and downloaded it to this site ... but it needs to be structured a little better ...
Also ... maybe you could think of developing your story a little slower ... let the story come to the reader ... I was hoping for more of a description ...
I think that the story line is good .... maybe you could slow down a little ... let us get to know your character a little more ... "Micheal" should make his appearance in chapter 2 ???? .... we (the reader) could get the feeling that he is watching Marine ???? in the first chapter ... draw the story out a little more ... but ... GOOD JOB !!!
Hello 35 year old single mother of a two year old ...
Your story reminds me of my younger days ... I am a 55 year old, just recently married woman who still believes in dreams ... thats why we get up in the morning ... and make the best of our days ...
Women have always been stronger than men ... thats why "we" raise our children ... because we are stronger, and determined, and we "go the distance" because sometimes we don't have the luxury of choice ...
Your daughter's father ... should remain just that "your daughter's father." I had to take out the "big eraser of life" and erase some of my past ... like it just didn't happen. It was easier than trying to figure out what happened ... I stopped blaming myself ... sure saved me some time ... lol ...
Your present boyfriend ... I hope that you will move on ... some people don't want anything from life ... and thats just what they get ... nothing .... I'm not saying that he is a bad person ... maybe just someone who wants you to dream for him ... someone who will be content to "hang on to your coat tails" while you go after what you want ...
Dream big ... a mobile home is good ... a big beautiful home for you and your daughter ... and your grandbabies some day is better ... dream big ... just go for it ... ask for it ... everyday ... the universe will hear you ...
But most of all ... believe in love ... it's just around the corner ...
I was drawn into your story immediately. I could vision the house on the hill clearly and was curious about the meeting.
Your descriptions were excellent, however, I was wanting to know more about the woman in the house ... very curious about her ... and why he was there ... was it romance? ... was it family? ...
There is so much more to this story ... would love to read more
Just what I needed to read today. I work directly with individuals who have disabilities. All the paths I have taken in my life have lead me to this place ... loving and caring, supporting and guiding ... my friends with disabilities ....
I share my home with an elderly man who is autistic ... the savant side of autusm ... he has a photographic memory of every place he has been ... and knows all of the waterway and canals in California ... where the water comes from ... and where the water goes ... but he can't make change for a dollar ... or remember his address or phone number ... I am amazed by him ... he was unable to connect on a personal level with anyone before I met him ... I brought him to my home from a board and care home where he had lived for many years ... I am proud to say that now he cannot go to bed at night without a kiss and a hug ... It is the most remarkable relationship I have ever had with anyone ... thanks for your writing ...
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