The first part of the is poem does not have a very good flow too it, the words seem almost cut short, not allowing the person to drink in the emotions.
The second part is much better, and it made me feel like I could feel the air and the sea.
Let me first say that at the end I did not think i felt anything, but then I swallowed as if I was about to start crying...so I think this poem has done something for me emotionally.
At first the poem was hard to catch up on and understand because the flow kind of broke down, but after I'd read it a second and third time, it seemed that I understood it better. You might make a note to other people reading it that to understand it they might read it a few times. Just telling you out of the view of people like me
You have a good, creative piece here, keep up the good work. (also, your spelling was flawless, good job with that)
Also, thank you for entering my poetry contest!
Here are the 50 gps for entering.
Good poem, it clearly demontrates a mothers desperation yet joy in her daughter who is growing up. You have a really good thing going here. I only found one gramilitical error, good job with that. Overall, keep writing, look forward to hearing from you!
Wow. I am speechless. You have captured the the hard reality that we need to hang on to our lives, moment by moment, yet they pass us by unnoticed. Thanks for writing something all of us for years have been trying to put into words.
Just found a few things....
Though you are not sure where you are headed you do know this, you are very aware of where you come from.
This doesn't sound right, try this: Though you are not sure where you are headed, you do know this; you are very aware of where you come from.
I will be very honest. This story doesn't seem to have a flow to it. I found alot of things...though, remember this is only my opinion:
When he woke up on the brown couch, sat up slowly and looked around the unfamiliar room.
This doesn't read right; you might want to try, "He woke up on a brown couch. He sat up slowly, and looked around the unfamiliar room."
According to his watch, it was six o’clock but was it morning or night?
comma after six o'clock
He walked over to the door and tried to open it. The knob turned but the door wouldn’t open.
This doesn't sound right. You might try, He walked over to the door and tried to open it; the knob turned, but the door didn't open.
There was a phone on the desk on the other side of the room.
"phone on" and "on the other"
"On" is repetitive. Maybe try, "On the other side of the room, there was desk with a phone on top of it.
There was wood in it but no fire
Try, "There was wood in it, but no fire."
He sat down on the couch hugging the throw pillow tightly to his chest, took deep breaths and tried to stop shaking.
you might want to try, "He sat down on the couch, grabbing the throw pillow and hugging it desperatly to his chest. He started taking deep breaths, and tried to stop shaking."
Gripping the knob he tried to force it open.
add a comma between "knob" and "he"
She thought about, how suddenly things had changed.
no comma there
Suddenly the room was quiet except for Lydia’s sobs.
add a comma between "quiet" and "except"
Oh how he wished
Should read, "Oh, how he wished..."
I will be happy to read it again after you polish it up some more. Write on, and good luck!
Good poem, it describes how I've felt at times in my life perfectly, so I loved it because I could relate to it. But I also found alot of things...
You've changed, yet you're still the same.
You should add the comma there
Humility lies deep within those brown eyes.
You might try enhancing the brown eyes...make them maybe flawless, beautiful, wide, curious...anything, just enhance them
Passion underscored with grace.
You might want to be more descriptive..like...They tell a tale of passion, underscored with grace."
Desiring you to see inside my soul.
Don't capitalize Desiring.
Remember these eyes.
Remember my eyes.
Thats very repetitive, I'd consider dropping the
"remember these eyes" and just adding a comma to remember my eyes instead of a period, and also not capitalizing "may" or "under"
Remember my eyes,
may they meet again
under more intimate skies.
I'd love to read it again after you've polished it up a bit!!!
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