A nice fantasy, enjoyable, and incantatory. Yet the writing is marred by tedious repetitive pattern of 'subject-verb-complement.'
Not only does the narrative need sentence variation, but other techniques to thrust it forward. Yet I like the story very much.
As it is the story is only interesting. With some general revisions it has the potential of being worked into a fine, terrific story. Here are my suggestions: (1) Try some sentence variation. 90 percent of the sentences are of the boring type S-V-C (subject, verb, complement. (2) In the action scene, try some intransitive verbs (like Ian Fleming does in his James Bond novels). (3) In the climatic scene try some nominative absolutes. (4) The switch in point of view at the end is jarring. Good luck!
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/marciano540
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 2:48pm on May 08, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
