*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/markurpen/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
Review Requests: OFF
106 Public Reviews Given
132 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 -2- ... Next
26
26
Review of Far Below  
Review by Mark Robson
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Initial Impression

Perhaps I'm the wrong person to review this because I know the subject too well. As I am a military pilot with over 20 years of flying experience in all sorts of jet and turboprop aircraft, I can see glaring holes in this that would turn anyone with any sort of military flying experience off within a few sentences. This perhaps illustrates the point that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing when writing - particularly if writing about a subject which involves an enormous amount of precision and specialist knowledge to be convincing.

Technical/Grammar

There are quite a lot of technical errors within this piece, both in content, typos and use of language. I'll illustrate a few, but I'm not going to go mad, as I feel to be convincing, the characters would need to be changed, a lot of the technical detail would need amending and some of the language would need serious work. Sadly, I don't have time to give advice on all these things right now.

“Reeve, come on before the cancel us out,” Bryan said sarcastically.

Firstly, I think 'the' should read 'they'. Secondly, what is sarcastic about this statement? Nothing that I can see. Also, the phrase 'cancel us out' is a new one on me. Are you referring to cancelling a flight plan? If so, then they must be late indeed, because a flight plan is valid for up to thirty minutes after the planned take off time, and can be delayed by a simple radio call on reaching the cockpit.

His best friend, and fellow pilot, Sean was having a subtle fit of anger while strapping the parachute over his shoulders.

What's a subtle fit of anger? Also, if he's a 'fellow pilot', then he should know better than to ask his next question:

“Hey Holland, you can guarantee my safety without this damned thing right?” Sean asked, referring to his parachute.

Punctuation points in this sentence include the need for a comma after 'Hey' and another after 'thing'.

What are 'flight officers'? As far as I know, this is a civil flight term. 112.7 is outside the normal range of VHF radio transmitters on military jets. They use this frequency to receive beacons such as VOR/DME, which can have weather information included within the transmission, but it's not a frequency that would ever be used for Ground control. Try 121.7 - much more likely.

The section on checks is, sadly, laughable. Also, whilst military pilots tend to laugh and joke on the ground - I've never seen one who would be anything but totally professional when reading checks. A jet that has not been properly checked is a potentially lethal weapon as much to the pilot as to anyone he might want to shoot at!

The single biggest indicator to me that you have never flown a jet is your mention of the rudder pedals. These are little more than footrests in a jet. If you were to put on full rudder, particularly in a hammerhead stall in a delta-winged jet - as you mentioned - you might as well pull the ejection handle, because the chances of you recovering from the resulting spin before hitting the ground would be very slim.

By the way, you won't hear many jet engines 'whaling'! You might hear them wailing, but as far as I know, they don't go after marine animals! Sorry for the sarcasm, but my hackles got higher and higher as I read this piece.

Overall

Your writing style isn't bad, but you have chosen to write on a subject that you don't know well enough to be convincing. My suggestion: stick to less technical subjects, or do a lot more research prior to writing a piece like this. Detailed research is essential if you want to be convincing. There are many minor punctuation and spelling errors in this. That said, they do not detract from the overall impression as much as the lack of technical knowledge. I have rated this with 3 stars - in my mind this is generous, because there are major flaws here that need a lot of work, but I accept that many people reading it might not have my knowledge of the subject matter.
27
27
Review of Little Bear  
Review by Mark Robson
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is excellent, Meenie. I wish you good luck with your submission. One minor point - the following paragraph bugged me a little:

But I didn’t want to think about that now, so I turned my thoughts back to those days long ago when the river meant survival. Now, to most people, it was a source of pleasure or beauty. I wondered what it would have really been like to live out here, to spend each day foraging for food, to be at the mercy of nature’s whims. Probably not the romantic life I liked to imagine. I suppose the problems intrinsic to humans have never changed much despite the progress in creature comforts.

You might want to make it more direct. A suggested variation might be:

I didn’t want to think about it. Instead I turned my thoughts back to those days long ago when the river meant survival. These days, to most people, it was a source of pleasure or beauty, but what would it have been like to live out here? To spend each day foraging for food, at the mercy of nature’s whims? Probably not the romantic life I liked to imagine. I suppose the problems intrinsic to mankind have never changed much despite the progress in creature comforts.

The only other comment I have is on your use of molten lead to describe her anger. Lead has a very low melting point. You might want to use something like molten steel, as it burns far hotter. Just a thought.

Great writing, Meenie.
28
28
Review of Amran Chapter 1  
Review by Mark Robson
Rated: E | (4.0)
Ayren,

Initial Impression

This is a most promising start to a story. You have given your lead character a most intriguing mind power and I look forward very much to seeing how you develop the idea.

Technical/Grammar/Punctuation

Reading this was like going back in time 7 years to when I started writing. You write in almost exactly the same style that I did then. Grammatically there is little wrong with this piece. There are a couple of minor punctuation errors, but these are easily fixed. However, you suffer, as I did then, (and still do now sometimes) of being too long-winded in the way you phrase things. This restricts the flow of the piece and makes it feel a bit sterile.

You also work hard to introduce very specific pieces of information like the character's height and age, but the way in which you have done so seems forced. Let's just take a quick look at some of your writing and I'll try to illustrate what I mean:

Dark. Damp. Cold. All these were things that described the windowless cell that Amran had been forced into. When Amran stood up to his nearly six foot height the ceiling loomed less than an inch above his head. The corners of the cell were plugged up by webs that were home to spiders. These spiders and the occasional cockroach proved to be the only life that Amran had seen in the entire time in which the cell had become his home.

The opening three words are great, but the following sentence is far too wordy. I'll show you what I mean in a moment. Then you go on to define Amran's height by using the ceiling, which is fine in principle, but awkwardly worded. I would also question the use of some of your descriptions here, because if the cell is windowless and dark how can the ceiling loom? Also, how can he see the spiders and cockroaches? In other words, is the cell totally lightless, or if there is some light by which he can see things, where is it coming from? If I were to reword this section taking these things into account I might do it something like this:

Dark. Damp. Cold. All described the tiny windowless cell in which Amran sat. The room was a mere six by six cube that gave no more than an inch of clearance for Amran either standing or prone. He was careful to avoid the corners. His exploring fingers had found webs there that crackled as his touch tore the delicate fibres. If there were spiders alive in the cell with him, then he had no wish to disturb them.

Rations only came twice a day and when they did come they were scarce more than two slices of bread and half a cup of water. Amran was almost certain that they were drugging his water but still he drank. He said not a word because there was not a soul that could here him even if he screamed. Even the food was sent threw a slit in the titanium door of the cell so that no one would come in physical contact with Amran. In his entire life of fifteen years these were the worst conditions he had had to endure.


Here again, you use unnecessary words. Look:

He was given scant rations. Twice a day two slices of stale bread and half a cup of water arrived through (note spelling) a slit in the titanium-plated cell door. Amran was certain the water was drugged, but he could not deny his thirst. He drank all he was given.

Silence reigned supreme. He did not speak, for there were none to hear. It was no place for a fifteen year old boy.

I'm not going to go right through this piece like this, as I hope you have gained enough of an idea from my version of your opening paragraph. Look to condense your sentences. Less can be more when it comes to description in an action/adventure story.

Minor punctuation point:

Why, and how.

This should end with a question mark, not a full-stop.

Overall

I'm very intrigued by the start of this story and am eager to read more about Amran. It is a good start displaying a lot of promise. You generally write in grammatically sound english, but will benefit greatly from learning more on how to condense your phrasing. Good work.
29
29
Review of Beautiful Sunset  
Review by Mark Robson
Rated: E | (4.5)
Sarah *Short Skirt* Brooks,

Your very pen name conjures images that are both colourful and interesting! I am happy to say that your poetry is equally as image-inspiring.

Beautiful Sunset is a lovely poem that is very cleverly written to include the vertical message as well as the horizontal. There is one line that is in the wrong tense:

How could I ever miss this before?

This could be easily corrected to:

How could I have missed this before?

Also, I felt that this section was a little confusing:

An amazing event of natural beauty such as
This should always be looked at with awe
Everyday of your life for what is, and you should
Rejoice for the beauty which God has given us.

The sentence within the poem doesn't seem to make sense. I struggled backwards and forwards with it for some time to try to see exactly what you were saying. I think I have it now. As I'm more of a prose person than a poet, please feel free to completely disregard the following. Had I been asked to re-word this, I might have written:

An amazing event of natural beauty such as
This should always be looked at with awe.
Every day of your life is God-given, and you should
Rejoice for the beauty He has given us.

As I said, I'm no poet, but I think you should see what I mean from this.

It's a beautiful poem, Sarah. You are a very talented lady. Great work.
30
30
Review of Hoosh-hoosh??  
Review by Mark Robson
Rated: E | (4.5)
Agnie, I loved this. Vintage Dr Zeuss rhyming! There was just one line that bugged me and I've just spent about 10 minutes thinking on how you might get round it:

Here’s the basket I was born,

The cat was obviously not born a basket! Without the qualification 'where', this is how it reads to me. The reader knows instinctively what you mean, but it bugged me that what the line said was not what it meant.

To change it would be difficult without altering the lines either side or changing the meaning. I'm no poet, so I'll make my apologies now, but I had a quick go. This were my efforts at rewording:

And that's my basket by the door.

or:

The piece of wallpaper I tore.
The doors I scratched,
The chair I ate,...

Horton the Elephant was one of my daughter's favourites for ages and I can still recite quite a lot of it from memory. I had to read it time after time. It got quite addictive, like drugs, sex and crime. The rhyming was clever, the story a blast. My mind caught the rhythm, which had me aghast! Before I had noticed, my thoughts started rhyming. It must have been something to do with the timing. I'm no poet I stated, my thoughts all in tatters. I only write prose about serious matters. I can't be a poet, I can't, no I ain't! But that's not the picture that these few words paint. I loved your cat poem, it's great, yes it's smashing. Now I'm stuck in your mould, which has set my teeth gnashing!

Great stuff!
31
31
Review of Item Statistics  
Review by Mark Robson
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is an extremely useful and informative article. It has been logically constructed and is easy to follow through. Anyone wanting to learn more about the readers that visit their portfolios would do well to scan through this, as it highlights a lot of useful tips into understanding what information the statistics can provide you with.

I was particularly interested to find that the typical reader who visits my port is single, female and 18-24 years old. I suddenly have a burning desire to get to know my readership better!
32
32
Review by Mark Robson
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is great!

I didn't see the ending coming at all. It's a wonderful little short story with a good twist.

I only have two things to point out. The first is a minor grammatical slip:

“What the…” he looked at the screen in astonishment.

'He' here is the start of a new sentence and should be capitalized.

This little para could be re-worded to give a slightly better delivery:

“Yeah, the computer takes exception to that, a fatal exception,” said the other, raising his own gun, silencer already attached.

I would change it to read something like:

"Yeah, the computer takes exception to that," said the other. "Fatal exception." He raised his gun too, silencer already attached.

If I knew how to do it in this darned text box, I would put 'Fatal' into italics as well, to really stress the word.

A most enjoyable piece of writing. Well done.
33
33
Review by Mark Robson
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is very helpful for anyone wanting to refresh their mind on what reviewing is all about. It seems I have been mis-using this public review system over the last couple of weeks. If I have embarrassed anyone in the process, I apologise.

I have been giving detailed critiques of writing style and faults rather than an analysis of what is good and bad about the piece in question. I'll try to bear that in mind in future.
34
34
Review of Ch.1 The Oak Tree  
Review by Mark Robson
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Dawn, it is obvious that this is an incomplete draft, but before you complete it, you might want to take another look at what you've written so far.

'It was early morning on a monday in Febuary, and the sky was already thick with towering black clouds that blocked the sunlight. The wind was picking up, bending trees, and tossing their twigs and leaves upon the air.'

Look at your opening sentence. Is this an attention grabber? Possibly not. However, it could be if you switched it around a little. What is the dramatic element? What is the picture you are trying to paint? Try to drive straight at the heart of that picture.

It was a bleak February Monday morning. Thick, black clouds towered in great columns that dimmed the winter daylight until it felt like dusk. Wind whipped through the trees, bending branches and sending loose debris flying through the air.

Note: Spelling of February. Capitalize Monday (proper noun).

'Nothing compared to the rain. The raindrops pounded as hard as hammers on the houses that lined a fairly empty street. Hardly anyone was outside for the fear of getting caught in some accident.'

You suffer in this passage, as many inexperienced writers do, from not being direct enough. Note your use of 'Hardly anyone...' 'fairly empty'. Is anyone out in the rain? I doubt it. Is the street empty? I should think it would be - unless someone was making a run for cover, but this would be worthy of a mention in the narrative, and you haven't.

Look:

Raindrops hammered rooftops and pounded at cars, raising an incredible din. The street was empty. People looked out in wonder at the fury of the weather, glad of the warm safety of their homes.

'On the corner was a medium sized home with cracking grey paint and an iron wrought fence that wrapped around the entire property. At the south westernend of the house was a very old oak tree.'

On the corner of what? I know it's the street and I know that spelling it out for the reader in words of one syllable is not always a good thing, but I think you need to be clearer here.

'medium sized' should be medium-sized and 'south westernend' should be southwestern end.

'It's bark was also grey with age, and peeled off the trunk in some place. And the branches hung heavily, and one them looked as if a tire swing had been there because there were two perpindicular scars.'

And and and! Try to think of alternative ways of linking clauses. 'And' can be easily overused.

It's bark, also grey, was peeling from the trunk in places. Heavy branches displayed perpendicular scars; obvious signs of where a tire swing had once depended.

Note: spelling of perpendicular and 'places' not 'place'.

'Up on the second floor of the house was a small balcony with stairs that led down to the side-yard closest to the tree. A patio set was in the middle and was dirty with time.'

My dictionary doesn't tell me whether side-yard should be hyphenated, but this is an american term so I'm not surprised.

What was the patio set in the middle of? The balcony, the stairs, or the yard? Your description doesn't say.

'Two double doorss opened out onto the balcony from a bedroom. Just then those doors flew open and a young teen girl stepped out. She had long, wavy brown hair and electric hazel eyes.'

The obvious typo here is the double 's' on the end of doors. Two double doors means there are four doors if my maths (math if you're american) is correct. Is this what you meant?

'Just then those doors flew open' - please, no! Anything but this!

What about: Bursting through the doors, seemingly oblivious to the torrential rain, a young girl ran out...

Or: A young girl burst out through the doors, her long, wavy brown hair swirling around her head like a cloud as the wind grasped at it with wet fingers.

I'm sorry, but 'electric hazel'? Whoever heard of this? Electric blue, yes, but I've never seen electricity spark brown before! I'm sorry if I sound harsh here, but try to be careful of what you are comparing things to. Sometimes, what you think is a perfectly clear description can end up as a farce if the wrong comparison is made.

I'll leave the last paragraph for you to think about, though I will point out that surnames should be capitalized. Also, I've never seen Mariann as a name before - Marianne might be more usual, but it's your character.

I know I've picked this to pieces somewhat, but I hope you've got something useful from my comments. Keep writing, Dawn. Your imagination is fine. All you need is to develop a little discipline and technique into your writing and I'm sure you'll start to see a big improvement in your ratings. Feel free to email me if you want to discuss this further.
35
35
Review of Madman's Marsh  
Review by Mark Robson
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Emma, this is an interesting piece of writing, but it needs a bit of tweaking. To be honest, when I read your opening paragraph I thought you were starting a comedy piece. *Blushes* Sorry! The reason for this mis-apprehension was this sentence:

Cold water seeped into his boots along the seams, and the edge of his cloak dripped where it had dipped into the marsh after he had almost tripped.

Try reading it aloud and you might see what I mean. The rhyming of dripped, dipped and tripped felt absurd in this setting. For the piece you have written, this is completely out of place. You might be better with something like:

Cold wetness seeped into his boots. The edge of his cloak dripped, having trailed time after time in the stinking, stagnant water. He stumbled frequently, each mis-step heightening his discomfort.

Also within this paragraph, you have your character snatching at grass to stay upright. I can tell from this that you have never waded in a swamp. Even the strongest reeds would be unlikely to have enough strength to prevent a man from falling if he had lost his balance. The idea that he would cut his hands in such a fashion is also extremely unlikely. You might want to consider having him cut his hands whilst pulling himself out of the swamp onto one of the hillocks you mentioned. This is much more feasible.

Obstreperous - great word, but distracting and, I feel, out of place. I'll admit that I had to look up the meaning of it - 'aggressively resistant to control or authority' or 'noisy and boisterous'. As you definitely didn't mean the second definition, I can only assume you intended the first. Who tries to control weeds in a swamp? No one. Therefore, the weeds are not aggressively resistant. My point - obscure words are fine when they are used to define something very precisely. This simply felt gratuitous.

Moving on to this para:

The dark branches of the trees beckoned like fingers across the marsh. He began to hurry, stumbling on soft uneven ground and splattering mud on his clothing. His cloak caught on stiff, rough grass and fuzzy-leafed stalks, but he only hurried faster, impatiently tugging the fabric away from the plants.

You say he began to hurry. The later phrase '...only hurried faster, impatiently...' is clumsy here. Aside from the repeat of the verb to hurry within the same small paragraph, a cloak is unlikely to catch on grass. It might get caught in reeds, on a branch of some sort, or on thorny plants, but fuzzy-leafed? I find this unlikely.

My suggestion:

His cloak snagged on deadwood branches that rose from the mire like the gnarled, twisted fingers, but he did not allow it to hinder him. He tugged the fabric free impatiently, his haste increasing as he approached his goal.

Then there is this sentence:

His spine gave an involuntary tremor as he realized what his eyes were seeing.

Strange wording. What about:

An involuntary tremor ran down his spine as his brain struggled to take in his new surroundings.

My suggestions are just that - suggestions. I like the idea behind the story. It's well worth pursuing. Keep on writing.
36
36
Review of Viva Temierra!  
Review by Mark Robson
Rated: E | (4.0)
Leah, this is a very good piece of writing, but I feel it suffers from over-punctuation. If you broke down some of your more complex sentences into two or more simpler ones, the piece would flow better. Let me give an example:

The mark of my grandfather, Calinat Temierra, is upon me, and not at all like a small, discrete tattoo that any sleeve, or cape, or scarf could conceal. It is diffused throughout my every cell, flavoring my thoughts as much as determining my color.

There is nothing wrong with this, but look at my version:

The mark of my grandfather, Calinat Temierra, is upon me. It is nothing like a small, discrete tattoo that any sleeve, cape, or scarf could conceal. It is diffused throughout my every cell. It flavours my thoughts even as it determines my color.

This is easier for a reader to digest. You often suspend phrases between commas, which complicate sentences and break the flow. There is nothing technically incorrect about placing things in parenthisis in this way, but it can serve to hinder the reader from being drawn forward through the story as they have to pause to order the ideas in their mind.

Also, these sentences:

My iridescent facial scales, always so Temierra faint and gray, now beginning to take on deeper color and sparkle? My forehead crest longer and more tapered, darkening from Temierra beige to almost a Panos burgundy?

are not questions. In no way can I inflect them in my mind or aloud to make them so. To have the question marks, you need to add the relevant question prompts at the beginning, or completely reword this. i.e. Are my iridescent... Is my forehead...

I enjoyed reading your work, Leah. You are obviously an experienced storyteller.
37
37
Review by Mark Robson
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very good writing. I enjoyed this very much. I don't know that I have time to plow through 380 000 words, but I'll definintely be back to look through more.

Minor points in this small piece:

1. The repetition of reflexive sentences here feels wrong somehow -

'This will change, soon, he thought to himself.

He leaned forward to peer at the photograph for himself,'

It might work better if you change the second sentence to read something like 'He leaned forward to peer at the photograph in the girls hands,'.

Also, I didn't like your last sentence. I thought that the repetition of 'her' weakened it. What about:

It would not be long until she slept. Dreams were his domain. He would see her soon.

Hm, I don't know that this is any better. But I hope you see what I mean.

Great stuff.
38
38
Review of Rivendell  
Review by Mark Robson
Rated: E | (4.0)
I liked this. I'm not a great poet, nor do I read much poetry, but I thought this showed promise. Unfortunately, I stalled with the first two lines before getting into the flow of the poem and I had to read it a couple of times to understand the measure you were aiming for.

I think the first two line endings need changing to a better rhyme to draw the reader into this and set the measure for the rest of the poem. Maybe something like:

A long way from our hearth,
We four trod a deadly path,
With Black Riders dogging ev'ry weary step.

Also in the second stanza, you might want to change Elrond's for 'Elven Lord's', as it keeps to the meter better. Just a suggestion of course.

Good stuff.
38 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 2 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/markurpen/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2