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Elements of craft that draw readers into your fictional world and your character's head.
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351
351
Review by
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story in the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "A Night Like Tonight
Author J. Waldorf
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

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*Check2*Plot
Two young friends joke in class, then meet at a party. They rush away before the parents arrive and, on the way home, fate intervenes.

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*Check2*Style and Voice
First person limited, in Jack's point of view. I detected no problems with POV, although I suspect the "perspective shifts" mentioned in your posting relate to the flashbacks rather than the POV.

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*Check2*Referencing
References to "goth" attire make this modern-day suburbia.

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*Check2*Scene/Setting
This was pretty sparse. For my taste, I would have focused more on the things Jack sees, hears, smells and touches. These details can deepen not only the setting but the characterization and thematic material.

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*Check2*Characters
We get to know Jack fairly well. He's a smart-alek, self-confident, flippant, and a bit conceited; in short, he's a typical teenager.

Ash floats in the background of this story. We barely hear him speak at all. Jack tells us they are friends, but this is all in narrative. I'd like to hear his wisecracks from his own lips. I'd like to see the two boys interacting in ways that showed the readers that they are close. There's a bit of ambiguity in their relationship that I like; Jack picks on a girl, but later says he "loves" Ash. That doesn't mean their gay, but it could be read that way.

*Exclaim* Dialog.*Exclaim* This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. You did a good job with dialog -- although there's a couple places where you narrated speeches rather than actually putting the words in your character's mouths. I've noted these in the line-by-line.

Another point: whenever a new character speaks, you should start a new paragraph. See, for example,
https://home.mchsi.com/~webclass/dialoguerules.htm...


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*Check2*Grammar
There's a few typos and some instances of passive voice that I noted in the line-by-line comments below.

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes* I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

__________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. I've written on these ideas more extensively in
STATIC
Long Musings on Short Stories  (E)
Some random thoughts on writing short stories.
#1537812 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

In any case, I mention the above to provide context to some of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

In your posting, you raised the particular question about the flashbacks. You did clearly mark them, so I don't think they are especially confusing, but they did draw me out of the story. The problem with a flashback, especially in a piece this short, is that it interrupts the "fictive dream" that the author creates for the reader. Just as we are getting into Jack's head in the classroom, we leap ahead to the murder scene, then we lurch back to the party. I understand you are wanting to inject a sense of foreboding into the story, but I'm not sure this is the best way to do it.

A related point has to do with narrative interruptions in the story. For example, we don't hear Ash's joke about Katie's presentation, nor do we ever hear Jack say anything in this little scene, yet he's the one who gets detention. In another case, the party is told in narrated form, rather than shown by putting your characters in action through their words and deeds.

It's certainly useful to add foreshadowing and a sense of pending doom to your story. However, by expanding on the opening scene in the classroom and perhaps changing the thrust of the conversation, you could foreshadow the later incidents. Maybe Katie's presentation, for example, is about Romeo and Juliette and the wisecracks are about the senseless deaths of the lovers. You can doubtless come up with a better idea.

I wish there were a way to present the mugger, or the idea of the mugger, earlier in the story. For example, if the students were reading "Les Miserables," then the debate in the classroom could be about the morality of Jean Valjean's actions. That might make a better foreshadowing, although it's not clear if it fits with your thematic material.

The "goth" elements at the party give a great opportunity to add some angst and alienation to the story. Ash and Jack, though, seem to be immune to the alienation, full of confidence. Thus, the twist of the ending is stronger when Jack's bravado results in tragedy.

These are just some thoughts on improving the structure of your story. Overall, I liked it quite a lot. It packs emotional punch, and Jack is a strong character with depth.

__________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________

*Cut*Regardless, my efforts were repaid with a stern gaze.*Cut*
*Exclaim**Smile* "were repaid" is passive voice, which puts your readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead you want them to be your active partners in imagining your story. Thus, it's usually better to us active verb forms. *Exclaim*

*Cut*What was left when life left?*Cut*
*Exclaim**Smile* "left" repeats in this sentence. Repeating words and phrases like this can give your prose a monotone feeling, so it's better to have more varied choices. In this case, you might consider, "What remains..." *Exclaim*

*Cut*No matter what, Jared could be counted on to throw a party*Cut*
*Exclaim**Smile* "could be counted on" is passive voice. Also, the story stops in this paragraph while the narrator tells us stuff. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The man wore a black shirt with embroidered silver graffiti. Only the garish necklace offset the graffiti enough to pull attention towards his face. *Cut*
*Exclaim**Smile* graffiti used twice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*I couldn’t make out the distorted face. The human face, bleak eyes, a large nose, and other features that were indiscernible through the dead of night, was decimated;*Cut*
*Exclaim**Smile* "face" used twice, along with two more times in the rest of the paragraph. "was decimated" is passive voice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The night was muted. *Cut*
*Exclaim**Smile* passive voice *Exclaim*

*Cut*Just a few more blocks from home, though there had been no reason to rush and the sidewalk accommodated the needs of two friends serenely walking:*Cut*
*Exclaim**Smile* This is one of the 30+ adverbs in this story. What non-verbal cues would let the observer infer that their walk was "serene?" The adverb tells us, but the nonverbal let the reader infer. That little step of inference is one way to draw readers into your story. *Exclaim*

b}*Cut*were drowned by my incensed focus.*Cut*

*Exclaim**Smile* "were drowned" is passive voice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*a friend whom could never laugh with me again,*Cut*
*Exclaim**Smile* typo: who, not whom *Exclaim*

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories at "Long Musings on Short Stories.

"Invalid Item


Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
** Image ID #1558330 Unavailable ** Cover for the novella, "The Ascension."


352
352
Review by
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "Majesty's Offspring
Entry Reviewed: "Invalid Entry
Author AJVega
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

*Check2*General Impressions
An interesting start to a space opera...I wonder if there will be references to the Jack London novel, "Sea Wolf?"

*Check2*Plot
Julius wanders his beat-up space ship (starship?), a converted battle cruiser from the old wars with the AI. He gets a call from his partner, Lain, who wants to discuss personnel. Julius ambles to Lain's sumptuous quarters, where they discuss hiring some pilots from a drug smuggling ring that the UEP has recently broken up.

*Check2*Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Julius' point of view.

*Check2*Referencing
Good referencing to new technologies and history. Some hints of the culture and the relationship between the crew of the Sea Wolf and the larger culture.

From the blurb for the novel, the author suggests that humankind has spread through the galaxy. This chapter suggests that Earth (through the "United Earth Parliament") led the fight against the AI, which makes Earth something of a military center, at least. Thus, I'd find it surprising to have pirates operating so near to Earth. I wonder if, for verisimilitude, it might be better to place the action in another stellar system?

*Check2*Scene/Setting
The balcony scene where Julius stares at the asteroids was well done. I don't know enough about what the asteroids would really look like, but something tells me they are mostly empty space and it would be somewhat unusual to be able see them even if embedded in the asteroid belt.

*Check2*Characters
Mostly we meet Julius, an ex-military man who takes pride in his ship. He seems a bit melancholy to find himself in command of a decrepit pirate ship with a criminal crew, but resigned to his fate at the same time. From Lain's quarters and his conversation with Julius, he seems to be somewhat self-centered and self-indulgent. I wish that I had a better physical picture of both characters.

*Exclaim* Dialog.*Exclaim* This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. The dialog between Julius and his crewmember, and later between Julius and Lain was believable and did a good job of advancing plot and character.


*Check2*Grammar
Nothing major -- a few things noted in the line-by-line.

*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they imagine events along with the author. I've written in more detail on this topic in "Long Musings on Short Stories

One of the most difficult things with science fiction is to construct your future world without falling into narrated back story -- the dreaded "info-dump." I think that happened about midway in this chapter, and it detracted from an otherwise good introduction to character, action, and conflict. I was going to give you a link to an essay by Roger MacBride Allen on this topic, but I see it's no longer available online. I can assure you, though, that this is something editors dislike and will make it more difficult to market your book.

*Star**Star**Star*
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
*Star**Star**Star*
*Cut*He was on his way there when he felt a vibration from his ear.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: When you use a phrase like "he felt" you are passing sensory information through your character instead of reporting it directly. If you were to write "Julius frowned when the earring buzzed against his temple" you convey the same information but report the sensation directly. That helps to immerse the reader in Julius' point of view, while the former method pulls the reader out of the point of view. *Exclaim*

*Cut*"Fine. I'll be by later, " Julius said, cutting the link with a tap of the earcom. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Is it an "earcom" or an "earing?" Or did you mean "earring" in the earlier instance? *Exclaim*

*Cut*he was reminded how much his ship was showing its age.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "was reminded" is passive voice, which puts your readers in passive mood. Instead, you want your readers to be your active partners in imagining your story. For this reason, it's usually better to use active voice. As before, it's more immediate and intimate for the readers if you describe the corridors directly rather than passing the observation through Julius. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Due to their last failed engagement, they lost a good portion of their crew due to attrition and desertion.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The phrase "due to" repeats in this sentence. Repeating words and phrases can give your prose a monotone feel, so it's better to have a more varied word choice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Julius came to a stop at a corridor junction when he noticed a pungent, sulfuric odor in the air. He looked down the corridor and noticed a crew member working on a section of wall.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "Corridor" repeats between these two sentences. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Julius entered the observation balcony at the end of the corridor. He was alone in the balcony, as was usually the case.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "Balcony" repeats in these two sentences. I won't point any more of these out, as I'm sure you get the idea. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Julius understood that he lived in the shadows,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This starts several paragraphs of exposition, where the story stops and the author intrudes to tell us stuff. While the readers may need this information, do they really need it right now? Is there a way to convey this information in more dramatic fashion, through the words and deeds of the characters, rather than narrating it? Showing rather than telling is always more effective storytelling. *Exclaim*

*Cut*the thing one would notice the most was the various pieces of artwork; *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: English grammar is so much fun. Here you have the "thing" one notices "is" the "pieces" of artwork. Now, "thing," "is" and "artwork" are all singular, while "pieces" is plural. Since "of artwork" modifies pieces, that means that "thing" and "pieces" should agree, so I'd suggest "things are." *Exclaim*

*Cut*Not in the mood for verbal fencing, Julius found a plush couch opposite Lain's and plowed into it. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Lots of references to "plush" couches, and artwork, but otherwise not much detail. I have the sense this is a fairly decadent suite. What exactly is the artwork? Lovely barely clad beauties? If so, of what gender? Or maybe it's abstract expressionism. Either one says something about the person who collected it. Are there carpets on the floor? What is the lighting? How about the scents in the room? Details of the setting not only set the scene, but can reveal much about the character. *Exclaim*




*Star**Star**Star*

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.
353
353
Review by
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. Thanks for asking me to read the first chapter of you novel. I enjoyed it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
_________________________________________________
Item Reviewed: "Isaac's Dream, Chapter 1
Author scifiguy
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
_________________________________________________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile* Since you are fairly new to WDC, I wanted to welcome you here. I've found this to be a great place to make new friends and to learn and grow as an author. I hope you find your time here as productive as I have.

_________________________________________________
*Check2*General Impressions
This chapter launches what promises to be an adventure novel set in the far future. It introduces two characters and a potential love interest for one of them. It also establishes the premise for the adventure, an archeological research expedition. Structurally, this is a fine start.

_________________________________________________
*Check2*Plot
There are two scenes in this chapter. The first is short, almost a prologue, which finds our two characters on the moon at the start of their studies. The second scene places them on their first assignment after graduation, in charge of a star ship in the archeological corps.

_________________________________________________
*Check2*Style and Voice
Third person, fictional past. I have some substantial comments on this later on.

_________________________________________________
*Check2*Referencing
Lots of little hints of advanced technology, without going off the deep end explaining how they work. They're just there, accepted by the characters (for the most part), and show up in context. This is all to the good, as it establishes the future world without being a textbook in physics.

_________________________________________________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
This was a bit sparse. You described the exterior of their ship pretty well, but the interior was a bit unclear to me. What does the ship smell like? Is it set up for free-fall, or do they use an interior gravity field? If they use the latter, why expend the energy on it? Are the quarters cramped or roomy? Is everything metal-gray like on a navy ship, or are there colors to improve the psychology of a long flight? I'd expect Johnny would have pictures of Miller pasted up all over, while Verdan would have Samurai warrior prints. These are ways to show character as well as to establish setting and help with staging.

_________________________________________________
*Check2*Characters
I have a pretty clear understanding of these characters, but that comes from various things that you've told the reader. That means that, while I intellectually understand that Johhny is quick and a nerd and that Verdan is charismatic and handsome, I don't have any emotional depth to that understanding. It would be much stronger if you revealed these traits by putting your characters in motion and putting words in their mouths, having them interact in ways that reveal these things. I also don't have a good feeling for what either of these characters look like, other than one is muscular and the other isn't.

*Exclaim* Dialog.*Exclaim* This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. I thought the dialog was natural and moved plot and character forward.

_________________________________________________

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs (well, there's over 40, which is quite a few), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes* I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consdier a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

_________________________________________________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. These ideas provide context to some of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

The above brings me to my biggest suggestion for this chapter. One of the most important elements of craft for an author to master is point of view. While many classic pieces of literature have used omniscient narrators, and a few have jumped from one character's head to another's, this is very much frowned on today. The most basic rule of point of view is: one scene, one point of view.

The idea is that the author immerses the reader in one character's point of view in each scene. This is sometimes called "third person limited" because the author is "limited" to describing only what that character can sense and think. What the other characters sense and think have to be shown in their actions and words and so inferred by the reader. This immersion encourages the "fictional dream" that is the author's basic goal.

Now, a novel like this one might have any number of point-of-view characters. From what I've read, Verdan, Johnny and Miller will all probably have scenes in which they are that character. But you should restrict the point of view in EACH scene to ONE character.

In this chapter, the point of view "hops" between Verdan and Johnny, sometimes from one paragraph to the next. Editors hate this, and it will be a huge barrier to publication. The good news is that it's easy to fix, once you're aware of it. The bad news is that it's hard to do consistently. I still have POV slips in my writing. Alas, I can find them like a demon in other people's prose, but miss them in my own.

The second thing I'd like to point out is "showing" versus "telling." For example, when a character says something "angrily" this is telling the reader he's mad. If he snarls it, or scowls, or jerks around while he says it, the readers infer he's angry and emotion is more immediate and genuine for them. This is another thing that's very hard to learn to do.

Finally, I've already written to you about avoiding "info-dumps," where the story stops and the narrator tells the reader stuff. I've marked a couple of these in this chapter.

Now, it might seem that I've found quite a lot I didn't like in this chapter. That's not true. There's some elements of craft that I think need attention, but that's not at all uncommon for an author who is putting his work out for the first time for public comment. These are all things you learn and repair.

Your characters are strong and distinct, the plot is interesting, and the future world has a detailed and well-thought-out premise. I think this novel shows a lot of promise and I certainly encourage you to continue to work on it.

_________________________________________________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
_________________________________________________


*Cut*Taking a few steps across the lunar soil to peer through the protective glass at the remnants of the Eagle, Johnny readjusted his focus and found that someone had carved ‘Jimmy loves Kate - 2865’ on the barrier, giving him a new angle:*Cut**Exclaim* My comment: This sentence puts us in Johnny's point of view. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Verdan decided to give his best answer first, hoping it would occupy Johnny’s mind long enough so he could finish his homework.*Cut**Exclaim* My comment: Now in the next paragraph, we're in Verdan's head. *Exclaim*

*Cut*He knew exactly how to get Verdan to engage a subject he’d rather ignore, and if the next six years of their lives were to have any meaning, he had to find a way to get Verdan to focus on his education*Cut**Exclaim* My comment: back in Johnny's head. *Exclaim*

*Cut*instead of running away to join the Mekkido Corps against his father’s wishes. *Cut**Exclaim* My comment: telling. It would be stronger to have them argue about this, even stronger to have Verdan and his father argue about this. I'm not sure the reader needs to know this bit right now, in any case. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Johnny absorbed knowledge through his pores and exuded it through his fingertips, a gift that Verdan didn’t possess. Consequently, Johnny had a lot of time to waste while Verdan studied.*Cut**Exclaim* My comment: telling. *Exclaim*

*Cut*It was a peculiar statement by a young man who was just embarking on a journey that would take both of them to the furthest reaches of the galaxy in search of an answer to a question few had even thought to ask.*Cut**Exclaim* My comment: and here we have a narrator intrusion. *Exclaim*

b}*Cut* They had been assigned a ship from the fleet, a mentor for their residency, and all they needed now was their first assignment.*Cut**Exclaim* My comment: "assigned" and "assignment" repeat. Repeating words and phrases like this can give your prose a monotone feeling. It's usually better to have more varied word choice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Verdan wanted to feel better about being in this situation but it was going to take some time.*Cut**Exclaim* My comment: Verdan's point of view... *Exclaim*

*Cut*The only time Johnny wasn’t kidding around was when he was sleeping, which averaged about four hours a day. To him, life was too short to waste sleeping or being dull, especially when you only lived for 300 years…*Cut**Exclaim* My comment: telling...put these words in a character's mouth, and it's showing. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Sheryl Miller was a classmate with the two men for a few years, an attractive brunette with a gorgeous smile and the personality of an angel. Johnny fell in love with her infectious giggle and light hazel eyes but never found the courage to tell her how he felt. Simply being in the same room with her brought unending amounts of both terror and joy to him, reducing the otherwise confident young man to a muttering pile of mush that she found neither attractive nor interesting. *Cut**Exclaim* My comment: Another narrator intrusion...note how the story stops while you tell us this. You could have him kiss her photo (maybe on his phone?) and have Verdan jeer that it was good thing she wasn't there or he'd be a jabbering idiot. THEN it would be showing. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Johnny ate this kind of conversation up, because when it came to a battle of wits, he knew Verdan fought with a spoon. *Cut**Exclaim* My comment: telling that borders on being in Johnny's head. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Verdan was the typical Mech jock type: Born oozing intelligence, charisma, and strength, but without an intact funny bone to his name. Johnny always figured that’s why they’d gotten along so well growing up, for whatever one lacked, the other made up for in spades. *Cut**Exclaim* My comment: telling...the 2nd sentence is definitely in Johnny's head. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Verdan poked his head out of the sensor cabin, tossed a grin to his buddy and said, “If the whole human race died out, and all that was left was you and her, you still wouldn’t have a pickup line that’d work if you had a cutter in both ears.”*Cut**Exclaim* My comment: See, THIS is great showing!!! I loved the "tossed a grin to his buddy," too! Note that you're in Verdan's head in this paragraph, and it's alive and vivid. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Well, every now and then Verdan pulled one out, but you had to wait for it. Johnny laughed at what was probably a true statement, banging his head on a strut as he got back into position.*Cut**Exclaim* My comment: Now you've slipped back into Johnny's head. I'll stop pointing out the POV shifts from here on. *Exclaim*

*Cut*That elicited another snort from the newest Captain of The Straggler,*Cut**Exclaim* My comment: I'm not sure. Shouldn't the name of the ship e italicized? Like the {i]Queen Mary? See
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Naming_conv...(ships) *Exclaim*


*Cut*with several different Mechs, the term used for anything “mechanized” that men used as an extension of their physical selves.*Cut**Exclaim* My comment: You don't need the explanation. This is obvious from context. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“Hey Verdan,” Johnny said quizzically.*Cut**Exclaim* My comment: I dislike adverbs, as noted above. Here's one where you could just say he "asked." If you wanted, you could add a touch of nonverbal about body language, facial expression, or tone. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Becoming a successful Mech pilot meant fame, fortune, and glory, but for Verdan it was Bushido; it was about the way of life. *Cut**Exclaim* My comment: this starts four paragraphs of narrator intrusions. The story stops while the narrator tells us stuff. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The CommLink chirped and Verdan popped out of the hatch again, angrily waving his hand at the console.*Cut**Exclaim* My comment: The story re-starts. Instead of telling the readers he's angry, have him scow., or curse or something. Let the readers infer he's angry. That little step of inference is one way of drawing readers into your story. *Exclaim*

*Cut* Miller’s gorgeous form was instantly displayed*Cut**Exclaim* My comment: passive voice. This puts your readers in a passive, receptive, mood. Instead you want your readers to be your active partners in imagining your story, so it's almost always better to use active voice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Although she was light years away from them, the avatar projected by CommLink system was a breathtaking, full color recreation, from the individual follicles of hair right down to the panty line ridges across the back of her cute little bubble butt that drove Johnny crazy.*Cut**Exclaim* My comment: I understand you need some kind of FTL communication system, along with an FTL drive. Both have problems with causality, although the latter is not completely impossible (look up the Alcubierre drive, for example). I don't consider this a big flaw, as I think people who read this kind of fiction are willing to suspend disbelief about relativity for the sake of plot, but it's always nice if you can give some kind of explanation at some point. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“Hi Verdan! Are you ready for your first assignment?” Even as a projection, her smile was so bright it could light a small planet.*Cut**Exclaim* My comment: Nice metaphor...but you're in Johnny's head when you say this, after a long stint in Verdan's. *Exclaim*

*Cut*That went well, he thought.*Cut**Exclaim* My comment: Definitely in Johnny's head...sorry, I said I was going to stop pointing these out. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“Hello, Sheryl,” Verdan chuckled, grimacing at the sight of his friend crashing and burning. *Cut**Exclaim* My comment: See, this puts you immediately back in Verdan's head. The back and forth is distracting... *Exclaim*

*Cut*but this exploration Mech we were given*Cut**Exclaim* My comment: passive voice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*As he listened to Johnny squirm, Verdan figured this might be a fun way of life after all.*Cut**Exclaim* My comment: can he listen to him squirm? Also, it would be nice if there were some hook in the action that leads to the next chapter. *Exclaim*

_________________________________________________


I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories at "Long Musings on Short Stories.

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.



Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
** Image ID #1558330 Unavailable ** Cover for the novella, "The Ascension."


354
354
Review by
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. Thanks for asking me to check out your chapter. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it. I see you just joined WDC yesterday, so I'd also like to welcome you to the community! This is a great place to learn and grow as an author, and to make new friends. I hope that you find your time here as productive and fulfilling as I have.
_________________________________________________
Item Reviewed: "stone cold sober, chapter 1
Author SBryan
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
_________________________________________________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

_________________________________________________
*Check2*General Impressions
This is a good first chapter. We meet the protagonist, her antagonist, we start in the middle of a confrontation, and you establish what I imagine will be the main conflict of the story. Good job!

_________________________________________________
*Check2*Plot
After a fifteen year absence, Kate returns to her home town to confront Quinn. She's worked to make herself successful and attractive and wants to flaunt it in front of him. Unfortunately for her, she's drunk and her planned triumph falls flat. Quinn is implacable and she's humiliated.

_________________________________________________
*Check2*Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Kate's point of view.

_________________________________________________
*Check2*Referencing
I could use a touch more here. Not much, but some sense that we're in a large or small community would help. Also, perhaps a hint as to era -- does she have a cell phone, for example? Perhaps she hears one ring in the coffee house.

_________________________________________________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
I'd like a touch more description of the coffee house as well. I'd pictured a generic place like Starbucks, but when you mentioned sofas I got a completely different picture, which somewhat pulled me out of the story. So I think it might help to describe the interior a bit more. I'd also locate Quinn on the sofa when she sees him, so that when her knees hit it and she grips the pillow we've previously seen these elements of the setting.

_________________________________________________
*Check2*Characters
We get a pretty good idea of who Kate is: fearful, insecure, angry, and hurt. Similarly, Quinn comes across as a bit arrogant and supremely self-confident. Still, he's also somewhat ambivalent, in that he's polite and invites her to sit with him after she calls him nasty names.

While I have a sense of these two personalities, I confess that I have only fuzziest notion of their appearance. I'd recommend that you figure out a way to introduce descriptions of each early on.

*Exclaim* Dialog.*Exclaim* This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. I thought the dialog between the two was good, although I think a touch more in the way of non-verbal cues would help.

_________________________________________________
*Check2*Grammar

*Exclaim* Commas.*Exclaim*
I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps! Note that his article gives rules for US English; UK and Canadian practices may differ.

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes* I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consdier a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

_________________________________________________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. These ideas provide context to some of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below. They also relate to things like adding descriptions of the setting and the main characters.

Opening sentences and paragraphs are critical in any story. Here, you spend an entire paragraph telling us that Kate is fearful by nature. I'm not sure this is a wise choice. The story actually starts when she enters the coffee house and sees Quinn, and that's where I'd begin. To show her being fearful, you could have her fingers tremble as she reaches for the door, and her heart thud in her chest. That shows her being fearful, which is always stronger than telling.

_________________________________________________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
_________________________________________________


*Cut*The ones that were small enough to crawl up your pants, and the ones that latched on to ankles because they could not tell the difference between a leg and a more willing participant. *Cut*
*Exclaim*My Comment: This is one of several sentence fragments. These are not per se bad, and in dialog can add verisimilitude. But I'm not sure they're what you want in an opening sequence. *Exclaim*

*Cut* And two, she was drunk as a bat at three in the afternoon. *Cut*
*Exclaim*My Comment: this is telling...I'd consider showing her being drunk. Maybe she staggers, or the room sways, and there's the aftertaste of stale liquor in her mouth. Or maybe even she stops to belch and tastes it that way, depending on how unattractive you want to make her. *Exclaim*

*Cut*he replied with a voice entirely prone to sarcasm,*Cut*
*Exclaim*My Comment: I'm not quite sure what you're getting at here...I'd consider something like "his voiced dripped with sarcasm..." or even "venom..." *Exclaim*

*Cut* “Is that so?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

“Okay what?”

“Nothing.”*Cut*

*Exclaim*My Comment: I think you need to describe some non-verbal communication in this little exchange. Maybe he shrugs, or she weaves and blinks. Something to keep the characters present in the readers' minds. *Exclaim*

*Cut*She steadied her knees against the couch in front of her. *Cut*
*Exclaim*My Comment: I'd pictured a place like Starbucks, with tables and chairs but not a couch. I'd consider giving a touch more description of the coffee house. *Exclaim*

*Cut*A waitress sauntered past and the sweet smell of freshly whipped cream drowned out Kate’s reply.*Cut*
*Exclaim*My Comment: hmmm...this gave me pause, wondering how a scent can drowned out a sound. *Exclaim*

*Cut*She quickly pulled the saucer from under the cup and placed it on top, soundly locking the aroma under it. *Cut*
*Exclaim*My Comment: "quickly pulled" is pretty tepid. You might consider, for example, a more precise verb like "snatched." "Locking" is a great metaphor to use with an aroma, but I'm not sure that "soundly" adds anything other than clutter...*Exclaim*





_________________________________________________


I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories at "Long Musings on Short Stories.

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.



Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
** Image ID #1558330 Unavailable ** Cover for the novella, "The Ascension."


355
355
Review of Book Bites  
Review by
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the "review a newbie" page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "Book Bites
Author neilbco
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

*Check2*General Impressions
I see you are new to WDC, so let me welcome you here! I've found this to be a great place to learn and grow as an author. I hope your experience is as positive as mine has been.

I love stories with twists, and this one didn't disappoint!

*Check2*Plot
Magda the librarian is lovely. So lovely, all the men at the college have erotic fantasies about her. Tonight, She catches up to Jimmy as he leaves the library at closing time and invites him to her apartment. Delighted, he agrees. The tryst that she offers isn't quite what he expected, though!

*Check2*Style and Voice
This story starts in omniscient point of view, then is in Jimmy's point of view, and finishes in Magda's point of view. While shifting points of view between scenes is often acceptable in longer works, in a short story it's almost always best to stick with just one character's point of view.

Given the events, I'd suggest that you re-work this story to relate the entire thing from Magda's point of view. The idea here is to immerse the reader in what she hears, sees, tastes, smells and otherwise senses. This makes the experience of reading the story more intimate and immediate for the readers.

*Check2*Referencing
Probably modern day, although the exact period of the story is irrelevant. We seem to be in a small college town -- one where people drive their cars three blocks rather than walk to work!

*Check2*Scene/Setting
This was sufficient for staging, but I would have liked to see more detail. Setting can deepen characterization, mood, and theme, among other things. It can also foreshadow endings, making the twists more satisfying for the readers.

*Check2*Characters
Jimmy and Magda. I'd like to see just touch more of Magda's motivations revealed in her body language and in the details that she notices. I think one of the difficulties of the shifting point of view is that, in a piece this short, the reader can't get a good feel for any of the characters. Hence, I go back to my suggestion that you stick with just Magda's point of view.

*Exclaim* Dialog.*Exclaim* This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. The dialog was kind of sparse, but sufficient.


*Check2*Grammar
I didn't see any problems with grammer.

*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they imagine events along with the author. I've written in more detail on this topic in "Long Musings on Short Stories

I think that there's some elements of this story that could be improved by applying the notion of the "fictive dream." For example, your opening two paragraphs consist of the narrator telling the reader stuff. You could convey the same information by having Magda do and notice things instead, which reveals the information in a dramatic rather than narrative fashion. For example, you might start by having her eye Jimmy fidgeting at the table, or she might unbutton her blouse or "sashay" in front of him. All of this gives you a chance to show your character in action. I've marked several places in the line-by-line comments below as "telling" where I think it would be better to "show" the same information in dramatic rather than narrative form.


*Star**Star**Star*
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
My comments are in RED.
Your text is in BLUE.

*Star**Star**Star*
*Cut*Like many of the male students, he had sexual fantasies about the attractive librarian.*Cut*
*Exclaim*My Comment: This is telling, and puts us in his point of view. *Exclaim*

*Cut*"All that studying doesn't leave much time for social life," Magda said, smiling seductively.*Cut*
*Exclaim*My Comment: I'd consider expanding on this a bit, giving the nonverbal cues that would let Jimmy conclude she's being seductive. Maybe her lips pout, or her eyelashes flutter, or her breasts heave under her blouse. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Jimmy reddened as he digested her last remark and the nature of her smile. *Cut*
*Exclaim*My Comment:If we're in Jimmy's POV, he can't see his face redden. He can, however, feel it heat, so I'd consider "Jimmy's face heated as he digested…" *Exclaim*

*Cut*Magda asked with her tongue licking her lips.*Cut*
*Exclaim*My Comment: Now that's great showing: she's clearly being seductive here. *Exclaim*

*Cut*
Jimmy followed her as she waled to her car. *Cut*

*Exclaim*My Comment: typo: "walked" *Exclaim*

*Cut*"Would you like a beer," Magda asked.*Cut*
*Exclaim*My Comment: should be a question mark after "beer." *Exclaim*

*Cut*"Do you like my pendant?"*Cut*
*Exclaim*My Comment: the word "pendant" repeats from the prior sentence. Repeating words and phrases like this can make your prose seem monotone, so it's usually better to have a more varied word choice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*though she was convinced he was under her control, she decided to put it to one final test. *Cut*
*Exclaim*My Comment: This shifts to Magda's point of view. *Exclaim*

b}*Cut*As she did so, her face underwent a hideous change.*Cut*
*Exclaim*My Comment: Rather than tell us it's hideous, describe the change. Maybe describe what it feels like for Magda to have her features transform, since you're in her point of view. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Blood began to flow and threatened to drip on the floor. But, before it did so, Magda's mouth engulfed his wrist sucking in all the blood. The force of her sucking increased the amount of blood flowing from the cut in the vein. She continued sucking his blood for about ten minutes. Then she pulled her lips back and lapped up the flowing blood with her tongue.*Cut*
*Exclaim*My Comment: the word "blood" repeats several times here *Exclaim*

*Cut*Magda raised her head and licked the blood from her lips. *Cut*
*Exclaim*My Comment: more blood… *Exclaim*

b}*Cut* Fortunately, she had eight other male students under her control and it would be Fred's turn next. *Cut*
*Exclaim*My Comment: Telling…how about she picks up the phone, makes a call, and says, "Fred, could you come over…" *Exclaim*



*Star**Star**Star*

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.



Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
** Image ID #1558330 Unavailable ** Cover for the novella, "The Ascension."


356
356
Review of Lover's Rock  
Review by
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story in the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "Lover's Rock
Author Dan Sez
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

*Check2*General Impressions
This, sir, is an extraordinary story. Thank you for sharing this shimmering jewel.

*Check2*Plot
Two space travelers, trapped in their lonely capsule, fall toward a meeting with fate. Inevitable, sad, and triumphant at once, I loved the story and the ending.

*Check2*Style and Voice
First person limited, in the male astronaut's POV.

*Check2*Referencing
The near future, with two astronauts on a doomed mission to Jupiter, now redirected to Halley's Comet.

*Check2*Scene/Setting
Nuanced touches to orient the reader in space at time that also resonate with character, plot and theme. Excellent!


*Check2*Characters
Him: in love, accepting, drinking of her beauty and eccentricities.
Her: in love, focused, obsessed with making these moments perfect.

*Exclaim* Dialog.*Exclaim* This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. Outstanding.

*Check2*Just my personal opinion
There is so much attention to detail and craft here that I have little to add, except to say "marvelous job!" I see you are new to WDC -- I hope you stay here a while! You're one of the most talented folks I've stumbled across on this site in the last couple of years.

*Star**Star**Star*
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance. Usually I've got a dozen or more comments in this section. It's a stretch to find much of anything to suggest in this fine piece, but here goes.
*Star**Star**Star*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* My fingers tingled from the cold thick multilayered glass. The harsh vacuum of the space swallowed our small capsule of light and warmth as we sailed far beyond the orbit of Saturn. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Great opening sentences! You orient the reader in space and time, and establish a foreboding and melancholy tone. I think perhaps you need a comma between "cold" and "thick," but I'm awful with those pesky things. I do think "multilayered" and "thick" say the same things, so, in the interests of economy, you might omit one. Since "small" is kind of non-specific, I'd think about "cramped" or something more evocative as an alternative.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* The further we go beyond from the Sun *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: I think you might have an extra word here -- "beyond" or "from," but not both work.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* I tapped my foot against a bulk hold *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: do you mean "bulkhead?"

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* I pulled her tight now; *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: a place where I'd consider a more specific verb instead of "pulled tight" -- maybe clasp?

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* The food reserves were almost exhausted but there was enough left for today. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: The subject "reserves" is plural, but the verb "was" is singular.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Our exploration trip was supposed to have taken thirty one months from Mars to Jupiter and back. A Coronal Mass Ejection fried the main Nav computer and power generation circuit at the worst possible time.*Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This paragraph is the one place where the story stopped and the narrator intruded to tell the reader stuff. I suppose we need some kind of explanation for how they came to be in this situation, but I wish there were a way to reveal this information without an info-dump.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut*Sure, why not. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: should end in a question mark.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* The noise of small grains impacting the hull drew me to the view port. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: another place where I'd like a more specific word than "noise." It would be even better if you could associate a simile or metaphor with the sound to connect to the onrush of death and a lover's kiss.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* time stops and the whole of one's existence rolls out before like a carpet with its interesting patterns,*Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: there seems to be a word missing after "before."

*Star**Star**Star*

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.



Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
** Image ID #1558330 Unavailable ** Cover for the novella, "The Ascension."


357
357
Review by
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story in the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

David -- I apologize for my earlier truncated review! Here's the complete version!

Item Reviewed: "Blind Seer: Prologue
Author David-Michael Christopher
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

*Check2*General Impressions
I love stories like this one, that combine ancient secrets and science! You've woven an intriguing web that combines human origins, archeology, and the metaphysical. I'm hooked and want to read more.

*Check2*Plot
Diane is tracking down a mystery. Her father thought he'd discovered ancient human remains in the San Francisco Mountains north of Flagstaff, but he died (or was murdered) before he could investigate. Now she's following the trail of a young psychic/archeology graduate student Stephen Myers, who's digging near her father's site.

Evidently they are successful, as the chapter ends with a Princeton archeology arriving in Phoenix, lured there by news of the discovery of human remains over 100,000 years old in Arizona.

*Check2*Style and Voice
Your narrative is third person omniscient, although it feels at many places like third person limited, alternating in various character's points of view.

Just to be sure we're operating with the same terms, bear with me for a moment. By "third person limited," I mean that the narration follows the point of view of one character, reporting what he or she can sense, know, and think, but not what anyone else senses or knows or thinks. It's "limited" because you are limited to what goes on in this one character's head. (This isn't universal terminology -- if you report the POV character's thoughts, some will say this is "third person UNlimited.") This is by far the most common voice for modern fiction. The idea is that, by immersing the reader in single character's point of view, the experience is more immediate and intimate for readers.

Third person omniscient removes the restriction that the narrator is in one character's point of view. While much great literature has used an omniscient narrator, this is very out of fashion today. In fact, it is SO out of fashion that this narrative choice will make it very hard to get this work published, no matter how interesting the story and characters.

So...my first suggestion for you is to pick a point-of-view character for each scene and, within that scene, stay in that character's head. The basic rule is, "one scene, one point of view." You also won't want to have too many POV characters in your novel. Romance novels, for example, rarely have more than two POV characters (the romantic leads). Science fiction and adventure novels often have more.

*Check2*Referencing
This appears to be modern day. Lots of good references to the geographic area.

*Check2*Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging purposes. I usually prefer a bit more than you provide, but this is purely a matter of taste and personal style.

*Check2*Characters
Diane, young, a coed, driven to vindicate her father. Stephen, a brilliant scholar, a bit flaky (as are many good scholars!), and a psychic. Pedro, an intriguing Native American restaurateur. Bernhardt, hidebound chair of Archeology and nemesis of Stephen. And Wescott, Prince Archeologist. That's a lot of characters to introduce in one chapter!

*Exclaim* Dialog.*Exclaim* This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. I thought you did a great job with the dialog, especially between Diane and Stephen. I liked the parts with Pedro, too.


*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* My usual comment here is "you don't over-use adverbs." In this case, I have to say you DO over-use adverbs. There's over 140 in this chapter. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes*

Adverbs fall into three categories. The first are unneeded adverbs that add nothing to the image and are just little speed bumps in the narration. I'd say most of your adverbs fall into that category. Then there's adverbs that "pep up" tepid verbs, where either a more precise verb choice or a touch more description gives a more vivid image. Then there's good adverbs. They're so rare that I won't comment on them.

I'll illustrate with a couple of examples from your text.
*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* several stone tools which had looked to be extremely old. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: So, what does "extremely old" mean? From the 1800's? That's extremely old. Or from 10,000 years ago. That's even MORE extremely old. I think "ancient" or "pre-historic" gives a clearer sense here.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* For over an hour she watched, enraptured by the man's intensely focused concentration *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This one is telling us he's "intensely focused." What nonverbal clues tell her that he's "intensely" focused? I guess that he doesn't notice her is one, but what else? Describe what he's doing, maybe muttering to himself, or turning over artifacts and peering at them, to let the reader infer he's intent. That little step of inference is one way to draw readers into your story.

I also noticed quite a bit of passive voice in this story. More on that below.

*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they imagine events along with the author. I've written in more detail on this topic in "Long Musings on Short Stories

While the above essay is about short stories, it applies equally well to chapters in a novel. For example, passive voice tends to make your readers passive, when you want them to be your active partners in imagining your fictional world. Thus it's better to us active verb forms. "Showing" instead of "telling" is another critical point. You reveal some of the most intriguing aspects of this story through narrative summary rather than dramatic action.

I'll try to find explicit places where I think some stylistic choices interfere with the reader's fictive dream in the line-by-line comments below.

Another point is that this is pretty long for a first chapter. In fact, it is four scenes: the first, when they meet at the campsite, the second with Pedro, the third at the seance, and the fourth at the airport. I wonder if this would work better as four chapters? In any case, you'll get more and better reviews if you POST it 2-4 separate files. At over 6000 words, it's a bit long to critique -- my reviewing mind hits overload at about 3000 words and my concentration falls off.

To repeat -- I REALLY like the idea for this story, and ALL of your characters are interesting and realistic. So, while it may sound like I'm only finding fault, I think this is a strong start that needs some tweaking rather than major restructuring.

*Star**Star**Star*
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
*Star**Star**Star*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* "Hello!" A pause. "I said - hey! Isn't anybody here?" Diane Harrison stepped from her rented van and surveyed the campsite. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: You start in Diane's POV. To help orient the reader in time and space, I'd reverse the order of these sentences and start with her stepping from the van rather than with her disembodied voice. Also, I wish you could sneak some bit of description of her into these few couple of sentences.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* /Damn!/ she swore to herself. /I thought I'd lost him in those trees a few miles back. Well, he's not going to haunt me any longer!/ *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: The editorial standard is to italicize internal thoughts. In WDC, you do that like so:
*Idea**Paste* {i}Damn!{/i} she swore to herself. *Paste**Idea*
which comes out as
Damn! she swore to herself.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* The way his professor at the University had spoken *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Here, the story stops while the narrator intrudes and tells us stuff. This interrupts the fictive dream and pulls the reader out of the story. I know you need this background, but it should arrive like WalMart inventory: just in time for the consumer. It's also much stronger to reveal this material in some kind of dramatic form, even if it's dialog, rather than as narrative summary.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* She had first heard of Stephen Myers through the collegiate grapevine. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: ...another long paragraph of narrative summary.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* She stood as she came out of the tent, brushing her long, auburn hair out of her eyes, *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: nice way to sneak in some description...I'd move it to the first paragraph.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Dried mud caked his legs below his cutoffs, and his t-shirt, drenched with perspiration, cling to his heaving torso. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: typo: "clung"

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* "Naw," he rejoined dejectedly without looking up.*Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: ...telling us he's dejected...how does she infer that? Also, it's shocking that he'd react this way, being accosted in the woods by a stranger he's not noticed. You explain it later, but she should wonder about it now.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* I'm suspicious of strangers *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: ...makes his reaction even more puzzling..you need to acknowledge the mystery now, or readers (and editors) will think it's a mistake and get annoyed.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* but I don't mind telling you that's one of the worst pick-up lines *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Truthfully, their interactions here didn't make sense to me. Nothing in what he said suggested he's hitting on her, and both of them laugh uproariously over things that seemed minor to me.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* He regarded her thoughtfully *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: another adverb...how does she know he's being "thoughtful"

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Diane peered anxiously at the boarded-up windows. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: this puts us in Diane's POV

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Stephen watched him go with a mixture of sadness and amusement, *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This puts us in Stephen's POV

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* he same baleful glare she had seen at the campsite. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Now we're in Diane's POV. I'm pointing these shifts out because they can be confusing to readers, they pull readers out of the story, and edtiors hate this kind of thing, calling it "head-hopping."

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* But as they entered the van and drove off, they were completely unaware that Taco Pete, with vibrant, wide-awake eyes, had watched their departure from his kitchen. He had heard the entire conversation and now seemed to be chuckling and talking to himself. But had someone been standing next to him, they would have discovered that he was actually carrying on a lively conversation... *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: and here we have an omniscient narrator...

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* You and Stephen have been directed *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: passive voice...

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* the dean of the University of Arizona's Anthropology Department *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Colleges have Deans. Departments have chairs or directors. (I'm a dean)

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Bernhardt turned and led the way to the baggage claim area but was quickly overtaken *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: passive voice and adverb...maybe "the older man raced by him?"


*Star**Star**Star*

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.



Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
** Image ID #1558330 Unavailable ** Cover for the novella, "The Ascension."

358
358
Review by
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Item Reviewed: "Empire's Shadow:Chapter One
Author Dermit
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Review posted in
 Fantasy Keep  (18+)
The Fantasy/Horror/SciFi Sub-Workshop for fantasy, horror, Sci Fi writers.
#570313 by C.C. Moore


As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* I see you are new to the Fantasy Keep, so let me welcome you to our group as well! I've found this to be a wonderful place to learn and grow as an author and I hope you have the same experience.

*Check2*Plot
The prologue starts with Cronius surveying the devastation of Celestia, a might city now reduced to ashes. It then flashes back two days to Cronius standing on the ramparts with his betrothed, surveying the city, and discussing the upcoming "Song of Eternity." Their conversation reveals some details about the world in which they live.

*Check2*Style and Voice
Third person limited (mostly) in Cronius' point of view. There's a couple of placed I thought might be minor slips and I'll note those in the line-by-line.

*Check2*Referencing
You slipped lots of details about the character of Celestia's society and background into the conversation between Shayle and Cronius. I thought this did a good job of avoiding the "information dump" that is so tempting in complex fantasy worlds -- you embedded many little details into their conversation without disrupting the flow.

*Check2*Scene/Setting
The first paragraphs were wonderful, with great descriptions contrasting the present destruction with the evanescence of Cronius' memories. Things were a bit more sparse in the second half, although sufficient for staging purposes.

*Check2*Characters
Cronius and his betrothed Shayle. He is the "protector" of the city and its people, she is his betrothed, and they are both immortal. He also has some powers -- levitation, for example -- that others do not. There's a hint of elitism in Shayle, but it's premature to say whether this is just casual banter between them or a fundamental difference.

*Check2*Grammar
Some passive voice, noted in the line-by-line comments.

*Check2*Just my personal opinion
This is a well-written chapter, with some wonderful, lyrical prose. The destruction of the city foreshadows the action of the novel (I assume) and provides a hook to keep the reader going.

However, I'm very much of mixed mind about starting with a time reversal. While it provides a hook, it's also a reversal that has tendency to take the reader out of a story. The whole idea of fiction is to create a continuous "fictive dream" for the readers that immerses them in the author's world. They become your active partners in creating that world and imagining the story. The time reversal you have at the beginning, particularly as short as this one is, interrupts that dream. Just as the readers start to get into Cronius' head, viewing the devastation about him, we flash to two days previous and start all over again with a new fictive dream. That's the big problem with flashbacks.

Now, flashbacks can be an effective tool, but using one in the opening to a novel is fraught with danger. Once you've established your characters and the world in which they live, a flashback can add depth to character, plot and theme. But a flashback this early in a novel interrupts one dream, barely formed, with another. It runs the risk of losing readers right up front.

I said I was of mixed mind because I'm often tempted to do exactly what you've done here. Other, more experienced authors, have tended to jump all over me and provide the advice I've given above about the dangers of flashbacks. And some others take the entirely contrary view that a flashback of this type is perfectly fine.

*Check2*Line Edits

*Star**Star**Star*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* The air still shimmered with the memory of heat. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: I loved this sentence. In fact, I loved this entire paragraph. I'm not sure I wouldn't swap the order of this paragraph with the next, though. My reasoning is that I prefer a lead sentence -- or paragraph -- that names the point-of-view character and situates that person in time and place by having him or her do something. Your second paragraph accomplishes this, and so better orients the reader. Also, in the second paragraph, I'd actually name Cronius -- unless, for some reason, he's NOT the person in the 2nd half of the prologue.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* His thoughts were consumed by the Song of Eternity, *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "were consumed" is passive voice, which puts your readers in passive receptive mode. You want them to be your active partners in imagining your story, so it's almost always better to use active voice.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Our city may be beautiful, but this woman is more beautiful still, he thought. Eternity is not long enough. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: I believe that the editorial standard is to place thoughts in italics.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* . She turned away from him to face the city below. Her smile faded, her eyes grew shaded. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: THis felt like a small POV slip: she's turned away from him, so can he see her smile face and her eyes grow shaded?

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* He smiled at her then, his eyes softening. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: He can't see his eyes soften, but Shayle can, so this puts us in her head for an instant.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* She ignored the pleasantry, her anger flaring. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This keeps us in her POV, since you've described an internal feeling. Now if you said her anger flared "in her voice" you'd be in Cronius' point of view. It's important to stick with one POV per scene, since it inreases the intimacy and immediacy for the reader.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* If it is within my power to grant the gifts we've been given to the populace at large *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "been given" is passive voice.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* he said, grinning, and offered a strong uncallused hand. Shayle at first feigned reluctance, *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "uncalloused" felt a bit forced -- would he notice that about his own hand? Also, you're telling us she "feigned" reluctance, which puts us in her head again. If you describe body language that lets Cronius infer she's feigning it, you stay in his POV.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* She swallowed a cry of shock as the expected free fall turned *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This is again in Shayle's POV. Also, it seems a bit odd that his betrothed doesn't know he can do this.


*Star**Star**Star*

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Bill, the MathGuy
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

359
359
Review by
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. Thanks for asking me to review your story. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "The Machine Tulips
Author Dis-Ease
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

*Check2*General Impressions
There's a lot of emotion packed into this little story. It's so intense, and the personal situation of the characters so challenging, that this was searing to read. That speaks well for your narrative skills.

*Check2*Plot
Chora's son Treiver (Trevor?) has a speech impediment -- the words come out of the two sides of his mouth asynchronously. He is incapable of coherent speech with using a complex machine that prints out what he's said -- the "machine tulips" of the story. His mother fears that the doctors/researchers will take him away from her, with some cause. There's a lot of ambiguity in this story which can be a good thing if it makes the readers think about theme and character.

*Check2*Style and Voice
This story uses several different points of view -- Chora's, a young researcher who is also a babysitter, and (maybe) the lead researchers.

*Check2*Referencing
From the technology, modern day.

*Check2*Scene/Setting
This was a bit sparse, just sufficient for staging. I could have used a bit more, selected to reinforce mood, theme, and character.

*Check2*Characters
Chora, Treivor, Jennifer, the doctor.


*Check2*Grammar
Perfect

*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers' as active participants in the story, so that they imagine the story along with the author. I've written in more detail on this topic in "Long Musings on Short Stories

There's elements of this story that make that fictive dream a little hard to maintain. For example, there's several point of view shifts, and each of these jumps to another character's head interrupts the story flow. There's also one or two places where you stop to tell the reader things, which also interrupts the flow of the story. I'll list these specifically in the line-by-line comments.

But...Chora's pain and anguish permeates this entire work. That's a great achievement. I said above this was searing to read. That's not just because the situation you describe is so tragic and challenging, but because your vivid prose puts the reader right there, inside Chora, as she deals with her situation. Indeed, my main suggestion for this story is to stay with Chora throughout. I think if the whole thing, start to finish, were in her point of view, you'd have an even more powerful narrative.

*Star**Star**Star*
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
*Star**Star**Star*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Son screamed at how slow the Machine spit text on the page. Mother shivered. Fingers whitened round a knife handle. Three slow, measure and much-practiced breaths passed before she set down the knife onto the kitchen counter and went to Son. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Opening sentences are a challenge. In most cases, I prefer that the opening name the point-of-view character, situation them in place and time, have them do something, and hint at the problem they must solve. Of course, that's too much for most sentences to accomplish, so the opening paragraph usually has to achieve all of these things. Here, we don't learn the actual names of the characters for several pages. I have the sense that there are religious allusions you are making here, but I confess they are too obscure for me to understand on one reading (or maybe I'm just dense). Anyway, despite the allusions to the "the Son" and "the flesh" I'd prefer that you named the characters and gave a bit more context on Teivor's disability right up front.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Three slow, measure and much-practiced breaths passed before she set down the knife onto the kitchen counter and went to Son. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: typo: measureD, right? Also, I think you can omit "down."

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Microphones poised on the ends of booms like T-Rex arms stood outstretched as if for his return. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: I think "stood" should be "standing" or just omitted.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* The girl’s name was Jennifer, and she felt herself to be more than qualified to be babysitting Trevor Trueheart tonight. E *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This paragraph and the next are all telling -- the story stops and the narrator intrudes to give us background. Surely, this is important background, but it would be stronger if you could deliver it in dialog, or even better through the deeds of the characters. This interrupts the flow of the story, which was compelling up until now.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* The diagrams and schematics in Trevor’s case file hadn’t prepared her *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This starts another long paragraph of narrated background. Maybe Chora could pull this information out of Jennifer, testing her to see if she's qualified to stay with her beloved son? That way you could stay in Chora's head and you'd have a dramatic device for revealing the information. You might have Chora clearing a printer jam, or replacing toner, or picking up paper, or something during the conversation, to reveal a bit more about the machine.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* “What would you have us do, Jennifer? After all, she is his mother. So she’s a little protective—“*Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: You've marked this with stars as a break in the story, but right now this is a disembodied voice. In fact, we are in a new location and in a new POV. It's usually best to orient your readers right away to this kind of thing rather than make them guess, or read several sentences to figure it out.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Jennifer chewed her lip in thought. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: I think this section is in the researcher's POV, but the "in thought" is a blip that made me wonder if we're in Jennifer's. Now if you said "as if in thought" it would be clear we are NOT in Jennifer's head.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* “You now we can’t have this.” *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: typo: Know, not now.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* . Leaning back in the chair across from Trevor and his mother, *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: she now knows the proper form of his name, right? So I wondered about the spelling here.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Treivor was there, baseball bat in hand, rearing back for another swing and The Machine Tulips. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: typo: AT not AND

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* And then he winked.*Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: The significance of this escaped me. Is he, perhaps, faking? It doesn't seem like it, so why did he wink? We have almost no insight into his character, so this is pretty cryptic. I don't mind ambiguity -- I like it, in fact. But cryptic is confusing.

I liked the ending quite a lot, by the way.

*Star**Star**Star*

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.

360
360
Review of The Wilderness  
Review by
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. You reviewed one of my stories so I thought I'd return the favor. I found this one in your port, enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "The Wilderness
Author RedButterfly
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

*Check2*General Impressions
I really liked this story! The premise of a werewolf with a conscience, who resists the inborn compulsion to kill, is a powerful one. It speaks to the demons within us all that we strive to control.

*Check2*Plot
Noa races through the wildwood, running from the horror of a deer he has gutted, running from his nature. But then he sees a wisp of a woman, pale and alluring. She fascinates him, and her beauty gives him the power to fight off the urges. He flees to his cabin where he transforms back to human at dawn. At the end, he plans to seek her out in human form, to learn more about her.

*Check2*Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Noa's point of view -- with only one slip. I'll note it in the line-by-line.

*Check2*Referencing
a remote forest. We don't need more than that for this story.

*Check2*Scene/Setting
I liked this a lot. Your lyrical descriptions put me right there in the woods as Noa raced through them. The light glimmering, the scent of the mysterious woman, the visuals of the deer, these were all excellent. You have a style that is both concise and and lyrical -- a difficult feat.

*Check2*Characters
This is all Noa -- or should be. His struggle, his weakness, his eventual surmounting his nature. Good job of revealing him through his inner thoughts and actions.

*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they imagine events along with the author. I've written in more detail on this topic in "Long Musings on Short Stories

I mention the fictive dream since there's some details of craft that follow from this. In particular, you want your readers to be your partner in imagining your story, so you want them actively engaged. Many of the comments I'll make below in the line-by-line relate to this basic artistic goal.

I like stories that don't necessarily wrap everything up at the ending, so I like the idea that the woman is a bit of a mystery. But I'd also like some hints about why she's there in the woods. I re-read the descriptions to see if perhaps I'd missed some subtle suggestion that she might be changling herself, perhaps a vampire who is hiding for the same reason as Noa. If they're there, I missed them. So one suggestion I have is that you give a touch more suggestion about why the woman is there. I wouldn't do much. For example, if she's a vampire, you might have shadows flit across her face like a bat's wings.

Overall, though, this is a terrific story. It's got a great premise, a believable werewolf who is tormented by his nature, and mystery at the ending.

*Star**Star**Star*
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
*Star**Star**Star*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* He raced, panting, through the wilderness. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This is a great opening line. The only improvement I can suggest is to use Noa's name instead of "he." I'd consider spelling his name "Noah" to eliminate any possible confusion as to his gender.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* The night was illuminated by the pregnant moon, casting a hopeless gleam over the world. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: I like this image, except for two things. First, "was illuminated" is passive voice. This puts your readers in passive, receptive mode when you want them to be active, imagining your story along with you. Thus, it's almost always better to use active voice. The second point is the participle phrase "casting a hopeless gleam..." I don't generally care for these kind of phrases since they are not as direct as "subject-verb" constructions. You use them to good effect to give your prose varied sentence length and structure, but I'd caution about over-using them. For example, I think this sentence would be better as:
*Idea**Paste* The pregnant moon cast a hopeless gleam over the night. *Paste**Idea*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Noa fed on the rich, succulent, dripping meat. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: I thought "rich, succulent, dripping" was one adjective too many.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* The moon beams danced off the rippling waves, mocking the horror he felt. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: lovely...except that I'd prefer
*Idea**Paste* The moon beams danced off the rippling waves and mocked the horror he felt. *Paste**Idea*
since it's a bit more direct

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Nothing could ease the utter desperation and helplessness he felt. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This sentence launches a paragraph of background in which the narrator stops and tells us stuff. This takes the reader out of the story. It's much better if you can show this information through Noa's actions. Perhaps he returns to his cabin, and you can describe it's desolate state, with bones of bears and lions scattered about. But no humans, he might think.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* and he suddenly felt a sledgehammer pounding in his chest. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Phrases like "he felt" filter the sensory information through your character, which make it less immediate and intimate for your readers. It's better to describe the sensation directly. Since you're immersed in Noa's head, the reader will infer that "he felt" it. That's one of the ways to draw the reader into the story.

I also hate adverbs. Your use is minimal, but here the "suddenly" is telling rather than showing. Perhaps a more precise verb suhs as "explodes" would give the same sense of suddenness.


*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* What if someone comes out? He thought. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Since you italicized the thought, you don't need the tag "he thought."

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* It was then he heard her gasp. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This brought a chill. It's a turning point in the story, and so I'd consider putting it on a separate line. I'd also consider rephrasing to avoid the "he heard."

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* It was a tiny sound in the midnight woods, hidden by leaves whispering in gentle breezes. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: wonderful imagery!


*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* miniscule part of Noa fought internally what would happen now. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Telling...can you perhaps show his struggle with his physical actions?

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* She bathed in the deep blue eyes of this magnificent creature and although she knew she should be afraid, Evelyn was not. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This is the one POV slip. The phrasing is beautiful, but the jump from Noa's head to Evelyn's and back again tends to take readers out of the story. Editors hate it, too. If there is away to let the reader infer what's going on in her head by describing what Noa can see and sense, you stay in his head and have the same effect.


*Star**Star**Star*

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.



361
361
Review of Life...  
Review by
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on
 Power Reviewers List  (ASR)
A list of items needing reviewed by the WDC Power Reviewers.
#1325649 by KC under the midnight sun

I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.


Item Reviewed: "Life...
Author applejuice
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

*Check2*General Impressions
What a great concept for a story! I really like tales with a twist and bite at the end, and this one provided that.

*Check2*Plot
Grace is sentenced to life in prison for murder...but when her sister Brooke vists, things take an unexpected turn.

*Check2*Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Grace's point of view.

*Check2*Referencing
Probably modern day.

*Check2*Scene/Setting
This was pretty sparse. Scene and setting help to establish the fictional dream in the readers minds, and can also add depth to character, plot and theme. I'd recommend that you find ways to deepen this story by adding more details of setting, and having your characters react to their surroundings as well as one another.

*Check2*Characters
Grace, the judge, her parents, Brooke, and the physicians. Mostly we get to know Grace and Brooke, which is exactly right for a short story.

*Exclaim* Dialog.*Exclaim* This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. This works pretty good in this story with the dialog between Grace and her sister and the later snippet between Grace and her doctor.

*Check2*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splits.*Exclaim*
A comma split occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. For example:
*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut*I don’t answer him, instead I choose to stare at the wall, the clock seeming to melt off it. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: There should be a period after "him."

*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they imagine events along with the author. I've written in more detail on this topic in "Long Musings on Short Stories

I mention the fictional dream because it's so important to so many elements of a good story. In this case, you do a good job putting the reader in Grace's head from the very start, but in the end I felt cheated by the beginning. Obviously the start was part of her delusion, but instead it mislead me into thinking I was reading one kind of story when it was another. There's a find line between misdirecting the reader (which is good) and misleading the reader.

So...my main suggestions for this story are
(a) make it longer, to add more depth to both characters and to build more suspense;
(b) omit the beginning of the story in the courtroom, and start the story in the visitor's room of the asylum -- except that she thinks she's in prison. Perhaps her parents visit, and her sister hovers in the shadows and doesn't speak. This is where your description of the visitor's room comes in: you can describe it in a way to suggest that she's not in a prison at all, even though by her words she thinks she is. Maybe there's flowers on the table, or a white-suited guard. You could still have shackles on her ankles and chains clanking -- but maybe those are in her imagination. She might say something about being in prison, and her father says it wasn't her fault and her mother weeps, so lay the foundation that this is a delusion. After her parents leave, maybe have her sister whisper to her in her room...and Grace wonders how she got there? Did she sneak back after her parents left? Build the tension, foreshadow the ending but don't telegraph it.

Again, this is a great idea for a story. Stretching it out, working the tension, adding depth to the setting and characters will make it a wonderful horror story.

*Star**Star**Star*
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
*Star**Star**Star*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* I was taken out of the courtroom in handcuffs *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "was taken" is passive voice, which puts your readers in passive, receptive mood. YOu want them to be your partners in actively imagining your fictional world, so it's almost always better to use active verb forms.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* The door opens. I feel strong hands, undoing the restraints *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: The "I feel" filters the sensory information through Beth, which makes it less intimate and immediate for your readers. It's usually better to directly describe sensory information and let your reader infer that she "felt" it. That little step of inference is one way to draw readers into your character's head and into the story.

*Star**Star**Star*

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
"Invalid Item
362
362
Review of First Kiss  
Review by
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story in the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "First Kiss
Author Tree Hugger
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

*Check2*General Impressions
I'm really glad that I read this heart-warming story. Your prose is luminescent, and your characters glow with an internal light. I enjoyed this story quite a lot. The little twist of the first kiss was delightful, too.

*Check2*Plot
Grace greets a chill late summer morning with her husband, while their three-year-old granddaughter waits inside. Today marks a family tradition: the toddler will fish for the first time off the dock. The tradition links generations of the family together in Grace's memories.

*Check2*Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Grace's POV.

*Check2*Referencing
Most likely modern day, but nothing in the story limits the time frame. Most likely this is post-1950's USA, but the story doesn't limit itself.

*Check2*Scene/Setting
Marvelous. There's some terrific phrases here to use the scene to establish tone, theme and character.

*Check2*Characters
Grace, her husband, and their granddaughter Katie. Oh, and the fish.

*Exclaim* Dialog.*Exclaim* This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. You do a really good job with this. Grace, her husband and the child all speak with distinctive voices, and the dialog advances both plot and characterization.

*Check2*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splits.*Exclaim*
A comma split occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. For example:
*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* It was still summer, at least that’s what the calendar said. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: I'm not 100% positive, but I think this is a comma split.

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes*

I'll illustrate with a couple of examples from your text.
*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Then she nodded sharply, gently kissed the tiny fish on the head, and dropped him into the lake with a plop. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Elsewhere you have a wonderful phrase about Grace's hair dancing in the breeze. I wish that the nod of Katie's head, here at the climax, got the same attention. Also, "gently kissed" cries out for either a better verb choice (maybe her lips caress the top of the fish's head?) or a touch more description.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Grace gathered Katie into her arms, hugging her tightly. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Again, here at the ending, I'd strive for a stronger sensory image than "hugged tightly." Clasped in her arms? Clutched at her? Either a stronger verb choice or a touch more description would be a good thing.

*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they imagine events along with the author. I've written in more detail on this topic in "Long Musings on Short Stories

Now, this story draws one in from the very beginning and holds the readers' attention well. But there's a few places where you use passive voice. This puts the readers into passive mode, when you want them to be your active partners in creative your fictive dream. Thus, active verbs are almost always better. I'll point these out in the line-by-line comments below.

The same reasoning applies to adverbs.

*Star**Star**Star*
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
*Star**Star**Star*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* The rough planks of the dock and the chill of the morning dew made her curl her toes in a futile attempt to preserve their warmth. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This is a great first sentence that pulls you right into the story. The only two things that bothered me wre the repeated "her" that I underlined and that I don't know the POV character's name. So...I'd suggest that you consider replacing the first "her" with "Grace."

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Tendrils of fragrant steam rose from the vessel to caress her face and tickle her nose. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: wonderful!

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Now, of course, her lake summers were confined to weekends and a few vacation days *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "were confined" is passive voice; see above.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* “I hope not,” she answered with a laugh, “what could be finer than waking up to that shining face?” *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: The punctuation didn't feel right here. I think I'd put a period after "laugh" and start a new sentence.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* his arm draped comfortingly across her shoulders; her’s looped around his waist. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "comfortingly" is another of those adverbs...also should be "hers" with no apostrophe.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* “It’s going to be a very busy day,” she said “I think I’ll need more coffee.” *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: typo: omitted period after "said."

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Just a breath of a breeze stirred Katie’s auburn curls, making them dance. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: I love this image! I do have a comment on participles, though. They are handy to have around for sentence variety and other things, but they slow down the pace can make your images less compelling. For example, if "Katie's hair danced in the breath of breeze that stirred the morning air" (or some such -- you can do better), the image of her hair dancing is more direct.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* The child’s eyes sparkled brightly. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: I guess one could argue that eyes cant' sparkle "dimly" *Smile*. What bothers me is that pesky adverb again. Now, if you said "glints of sunlight sparkled in the child's eyes" you have reinforced the image without the adverb.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Her little body all but vibrated with suppressed excitement. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Why qualify this with the "all but," which weakens it?

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut*Fishing was serious business in this family and she felt proud that it was finally her turn. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This is an author intrusion, with you stopping to tell us how Katie feels. It's stronger to put this in Grace's POV by having her see the pride shine in her smile, for example.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* she watched the tiny girl drop her line into the lake for the very first time. It seemed like just yesterday that her son Kurt walked onto the dock for the first time. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "for the first time" repeats, which can have a tendency to make your prose sound monotone. You might consider rephrasing.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* when she and later her own child were introduced to the family tradition. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "were introduced" is passive voice.


*Star**Star**Star*

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.



363
363
Review of Black Ice  
Review by
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1549493 Unavailable **
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your name listed on the "author appreciation day" list and decided to take a look at your port. I enjoyed reading this story and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it. By the way, it's nice to see a fellow Oklahoman here!

Item Reviewed: "Black Ice
Author danpetit
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

*Check2*General Impressions
There's a lot to admire in the sensuous prose and strong characterization in this story. I liked it quite a lot.

*Check2*Plot
The unnamed POV character relaxes at home with the proceeds of her jewelry heist.

*Check2*Style and Voice
Third person limited, on the thief. The narrator speaks with her voice, sees what she would see, hears what she would hear. Good saturation of sensory information, and perfectly controlled POV.

*Check2*Referencing
Modern day Hollywood.

*Check2*Scene/Setting
Thief's home and site of the robbery. Both were clear in my mind's eye.

*Check2*Characters
This is all about the robber and her motivations.

*Check2*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splits.*Exclaim*
A comma split occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. For example:
*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* The perimeter alarms were blaring now, so much for the service elevator. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: I only spotted this one. You should have a period or semicolon after "now."

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs (well, there's over 40 in this story), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes*

For the most part, your adverbs are clutter. You have a wonderful way with words, using them to draw evocative and active images. The adverbs made me stumble a bit as a reader, getting in the way. I think if you went through and examined each one to decide if it's really needed, you'd have a stronger piece.

I'll illustrate with a couple of examples from your text.
*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* She rubbed herself dry, carefully avoiding the tender ribs. As she stood before the mirror squeezing the last of the water from her hair she peered into her own eyes and thought about the black satchel. Her breathing grew shallow, her pulse quickened, the pupils of those emerald orbs dilated into bottomless black pools. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: The underlined portion above is wonderful! You show the reader that she's aroused by describing her physical reaction. I've included it to contrast with the adverb "carefully" in the lead sentence. I'd consider using exactly the same care to show her being careful -- like a lover's caress in foreplay.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Padding silently across the living room hardwoods, *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This sentence starts a string where the adverbs ("silently," "greedily," "lightly") pop up like little speed bumps that slow down otherwise wonderful prose. This is one of those places where I think a combination of more details and editing ("greedily" and "lightly" can surely be dropped) will improve the pace of the prose.

*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they imagine events along with the author. I've written in more detail on this topic in "Long Musings on Short Stories

I mention the "fictive dream" since you do a good job of it, keeping the reader inside the thief's head. But I have a couple of suggestions and comments.

First, I noticed some passive voice here and there. I'll note these in my line-by-line comments below. Passive verb forms put your readers in a passive, receptive mood when you want them to be your active partners in imagining your story.

The second point has to do with the time reversal in the story. We start in the thief's bath for one paragraph, and then have a reversal to the robbery, and then return to the bath. This interrupted the natural flow of the story to me. Now, if you start in her bath with her preparing for the robbery and then proceed as you do with the robbery, things are sequential. You could even describe the preparations as though she were getting ready for a tryst, by way of foreshadowing. (You mention her thong for example.) I'd consider keeping the time line sequential, especially in a story this short.

*Star**Star**Star*
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
*Star**Star**Star*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* It was amazing how much leverage a little cocaine, a lot of sex, and a digital camera could buy.*Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: There's nothing wrong with this sentence, but it's one of a number of places where it felt like the author stopped to tell us a fact. If you add just a touch of her viewpoint -- maybe a sly smile tugs at her lips as she remembers how the sex etc. buys information -- then we're in her POV and the fact seems a bit less intrusive. Just an idea.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* The front for the stolen goods operation was a legitimate pawn shop one block off Rodeo Drive. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This entire paragraph consists of the author stopping the story to tell us facts. I'm not sure we need any of this information, and it interrupts the flow.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Moving quickly through the third floor hall, *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: I know I made the adverb point before, but this one really stands out. "Moving" is pretty tepid, I agree, but I wouldn't pep it up with an adverb. I'd consider instead some slinky, sexy, simile or metaphor to describe her motion and let the reader infer she's being "quick." That little step of inference is one way to draw readers into your story.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Taking them three at a time, she made it to the landing mid-way between the third and second floors. As she made the turn,*Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "made" repeats in successive sentences, which can make your prose sound monotone. I'd consider a different word for one of the instances.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* and another guard, MP5 drawn, appeared, blocking her decent. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: typo: descent.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* The air was driven from her lungs. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "was driven" is passive voice. Especially here you want active verbs.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut*“Slow down, honey,” she thought, smirking at her damp reflection. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Thoughts are generally in italics rather than quotes. Maybe she "murmured?"

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Like the tail of a dark, leathery, comet, her black leather jacket l *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "leather" repeats in this sentence...see above.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Her eyes were drawn to the stilettos *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "were drawn" is passive again.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* She was startled by the sound of the popping cork and it pissed her off. It felt like weakness. The wine hissed softly as she filled the glass. The first was drained in one pull *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "was startled" and "was drained" -- more passive voice.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* After nervously struggling with the knotted string it finally released *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: adverb "nervously" is telling

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* When the contents spilled onto the table her breath involuntarily quickened and her skin pebbled as chills crawled up her spine.*Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Wow, this is a wonderful sentence!!!

*Star**Star**Star*

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.
364
364
Review of Forever Yours  
Review by
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story in the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "Forever Yours
Author Michael Newman
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

*Check2*General Impressions
Michael,

I liked this story a lot -- especially the twist at the end!

*Check2*Plot
If Hitchcock had made "Lolita" instead of Kubrick, he would have used your story instead of Nabokov's...I don't want to give away the delicious plot, so I'll stop there.

*Check2*Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Bill's POV.

*Check2*Referencing
We're in suburbia, with the reference to barbecue. Other than that,it could be any period from the '50's forward.

*Check2*Scene/Setting
Bill's bedroom and living room.

*Check2*Characters
Bill and Lolita Sandy, his teenaged next door neighbor with larceny in her heart. Both characters are well drawn and believable.

*Exclaim* Dialog.*Exclaim* This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. You did a great job of using dialog to advance character and plot.

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You really don't overuse adverbs (I only counted seven, which isn't excessive at all), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes*

I'll illustrate with a couple of examples from your text.
*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Sandy was lounging comfortably in the bathroom doorway. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: I think if you gave just a touch more description to show her being comfortable, rather than telling us she's comfortable, you'd have a stronger sentence. That little step where the readers infers she's comfortable is one way of drawing them into your story.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* She idly thumbed through a magazine.E *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Same thing here...maybe something like:
*Idea**Paste* She twirled a sweaty lock of hair in one finger while she thumbed through a magazine. *Paste**Idea*
"Twirling the hair" shows her being idle. I'm sure you can do better -- she's your character! -- but you get the idea.

*Check2*Just my personal opinion
As I said above, I think this was a really good story. I have some suggestions below on fine-tuning the prose here and there, but I wanted to be clear that this is one of the better stories I've encountered recently.

*Star**Star**Star*
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
*Star**Star**Star*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Sandy was lounging comfortably in the bathroom doorway. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This isn't a bad opening sentence, but it could be better. I'm going to use it to make several points, so please bear with me.

Your first sentence or two is critical in drawing your readers into your fictional world. Ideally, they should introduce your POV character and suggest the dilemma that he or she must resolve.

Your opening lets us know Sandy is alluring, but we don't learn the conflict for a bit, and we have to wait to meet your POV character until paragraph three. This is easy to change in this case -- for example, something as simple as:
*Idea**Paste* "Bill stepped out of the shower and shivered when he saw Sandy. She lounged right there in the bathroom doorway, and her innocent eyes raked over his naked body.
*Paste**Idea*

Notice we're in Bill's head right away, and we see him reacting to Sandy with a shiver. She's right there, too, staring at him with shameless eyes.

Another suggestion has to do with "was lounging." This isn't wrong -- in fact, using the "continuous past tense" is grammatically correct. However, it slows the pace of the sentence and makes the image slightly less vivid. I'd recommend you examine ever use of the verb "to be" in your story with an eye to eliminating as many as you can.


*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* She was right and only fifteen at the time. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This starts a paragraph in which the narrator stops and tells a bit of history. This has a tendency to take the readers out of the story for two reasons. First, it's a narrative interuption; second, it's a flashback, which interrupts the natural flow of events in the story. Now, flashbacks are fine in longer fiction, but here you've got one that lasts all of one paragraph. What I'd suggest is to have her actually DO the things you describe here and have him say "just like our first time..." and she can say something that reveals her predatory character even then. For example, she might say something about planning to trap him when she first saw him grilling that steak. that way you get the same information in the story and do it without breaking the flow.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* “Now you sound like my Father *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Should be "my father." If she said, "Now you sound like Father," where she uses "Father" as someone's name, then it's capitalized.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* The mantle clock ticked a steady, ominous sound. He sipped his drink and wondered *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "wondered" is used three times in close succession here. Sometimes that works in establishing cadence in a repeated sequence, but you need to be careful as repeating words like this can give your prose a monotone feel.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* she sat her glass on the table, *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Should be "set." See http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/605/01/...

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Her nostrils would flare as she panted. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Given what they are doing and their relative positions, I don't think he could see her nostrils...*Blush* That makes this a POV violation.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* It contained four sleeping pills, ground to a fine powder. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: I'd consider just a TOUCH of foreshadowing here. Maybe early in the story have fatigue drag at his eyes and he thinks about the sleeping pills in the kitchen. She might make some mention later about his construction work -- some insult about stomach or something being as flabby as wet concrete maybe? I'd put these things in early to midway in the story, to lay the subconscious suggestion of what's coming. Playing with the readers like this can help make the ending more satisfying. Not that I didn't like the ending a lot as it is!

*Star**Star**Star*

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.



365
365
Review of The Introductions  
Review by
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story in the "Power Reviewers" request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "The Introductions
Author Ray Hawkins
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

*Check2*General Impressions
This is a nice little mystery story, with good foreshadowing. I'm a sucker for stories with twisty endings, and so I really liked this one quite a lot.

*Check2*Plot
The widow Sally lives in a secluded home in Montana. The setting is probably the 1870's or 1880's, from the context of the story. Grace, a young woman from the town, helps her around the house. At the start of the story, Sally reads of a gruesome murder in the area. Later, she finds a neighbor killed. The tension winds tighter as she shoots an intruder in the neighbors home the next night. It turns out the intruder was Grace's father, so she concludes he must be the murderer. Ah, but then the twist occurs, which I won't spoil.

*Check2*Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Sally's POV.

*Check2*Referencing
This was all pretty good, except for the use of "Ms." I am old enough to recall when "Ms" became a form of address, replacing "Miss" and "Missus." I don't think anyone in the 1800's would have used this word.

*Check2*Scene/Setting
Pretty good here, too. Spooky and threatening at the right spots, and background elsewhere.

*Check2*Characters
Grace, Sally, the Sheriff, and a cameo appearance by the Sheriff. Oh, and Robert The Cat.

*Exclaim* Dialog.*Exclaim* This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. I thought that you used dialog to good effect, advancing both character and plot. The Sheriff spoke in a rustic dialect, bringing home the location and era.

*Check2*Grammar
I notices a number of places where you used "then" as a coordinating conjunction. Then isn't really a connective conjunction like "and," "or," and so on, and should usually be coupled with "and" to make the sentence grammatically correct.

I'll illustrate with an example from your text.
*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* The door swung shut. Sally reached for the newspaper, then recoiled, *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: I'd just replace "then" with "and" here, as the sequencing is implied. But "and then" is correct if you want to make the sequencing explicit. To see why, notice that you could move "then" around in your sentence, which you can't do with an ordinary conjunction. I'll add "in revulsion" to make it clearer: *Idea**Paste* *Paste**Idea*
*Idea**Paste* Sally reached for the newspaper and then recoiled in revulsion. *Paste**Idea*
*Idea**Paste* Sally reached for the newspaper and recoiled, then, in revulsion. *Paste**Idea*
*Idea**Paste* Sally reached for the newspaper and recoiled in revulsion then. *Paste**Idea*
You can't move an ordinary conjunction in that fashion and get a sentence that makes sense.

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs (well, there's over 80 in your text), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes*

I'll illustrate with an example from your text.
*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Sally drew her coat more tightly around her *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "Drew" is a pretty tepid verb, but the way to pep it up isn't with the adverb. Maybe Sally "clutched" at her coat?


*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they imagine events along with the author. I've written in more detail on this topic in "Long Musings on Short Stories

There's several places where you use passive voice. This puts your readers in passive mode, when you want them to be active participants, imagining your story along with you. It's almost always better to use active verb forms. I'll note a few of these in the line-by-line.

There's also a few places where you stop and narrate things rather than revealing them in dialog or through action. Again, narrator intrusions like this take the readers out of the story, and it's better to try to find other ways to inject this information.

Finally, at the start of your story I felt like there were two disembodied voices speaking to one another. I'd like to see some minimal descriptions of Sally and Grace in those opening lines. The fact that Sally is over 60 is relevant to the plot, but doesn't show up until much later. You might even have Grace dusting the shotgun over the mantel in the opening, as a bit of foreshadowing...

*Star**Star**Star*
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
*Star**Star**Star*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Sally took a delectable bite of warm bread with butter. “Do you have anything planned for the today, Grace?” *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This was confusing. Grace just left the room, and now Sally's talking to her. It's clear in a bit that she's talking to her from another room, but a bit of choreography would help here.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* So what’s the young gentleman’s— oh my God! *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This reaction seemed overdone -- especially as she didn't even know the person. Also, would a newspaper in the 1800's publish gruesome photos of the murder scene?

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Laura Crawford of 23 Corner Road was found dead in her house yesterday, April 17. She was killed with a gunshot to the head. No weapon was found *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "was found" ans "was killed" are passive voice -- see above. Also, you use "was found" in successive sentences. Repeating words and phrases like this can give your prose a monotone feeling, so it's generally better to have more varied word choice.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Grace wailed. “I never got to know her very well.” *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Another discordant reaction, especially in light of how the plot develops.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Grace snapped defensively. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "snapped" is a great, active verb choice. You don't need the clunky adverb.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Sally had met the doctor a couple of times, and only in passing. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This whole paragraph is the author stopping to tell the reader some facts. That is one of the quickest way to interrupt the fictive dream and take the reader out of the story.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Her cat, Robert, kept her company, getting in the way as always. He was a poor substitute for the real Robert; the conversations only went one way. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This is "telling" -- it would take just a few lines more to show her having these one-sided conversations, and would add a poignancy to the story.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* That night, Sally said a prayer for the late Laura’s husband. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Another narrator intrusion where you summarize what she did instead fo showing her doing it.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Sally’s eyes snapped open as she was wrenched from her peace. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "was wrenched" is passive voice -- I won't comment on any more of these.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* He stared back through the window for a few moments, then bolted. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "and then..." I won't comment on any more of these either.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* With the amount o’ money she comes home with twice a week, *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Their exchange earlier led me to believe that Grace only came weekly.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Sally unlocked her bedroom door and walked quietly downstairs. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Another adverb I'd think hard about. Here, I'd consider drawing a more complete picture. Perhaps she tip-toes, and doesn't put her shoes on until later.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut*Sally’s legs felt weak as she set off up the hill towards the light, *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: The "felt" filters the sensation through Sally. It's more intimate and immediate for your readers if you describe the sensation directly; they will know she "felt" it since you are in her head. So, perhaps she "wobbles on shaky legs..." or some such.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* She remembered to breath, *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Typo: "BreathE"


*Star**Star**Star*

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.



366
366
Review by
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "Black Walkways and Fleshy Things
Author Beatle
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

*Check2*General Impressions
There is much to admire in your prose. You write with active, vivid images, and make excellent use of metaphor and simile. I LOVE the title to this piece as well, which is what drew me to it in the first place. The fictional world that you outline in this prologue is intriguing, filled with mystery and conflict, and has great potential.

*Check2*Plot
Well, there isn't any so far. This is all the narrator telling us about his his fictional world.

*Check2*Style and Voice
This appears to be third person omniscient. To be sure, great literature has been written with an omniscient narrator, but this is no longer in fashion. It is much more common to assume the point of view of a character in the story, and narrate things from that perspective (third person limited, in that you are limited to what that character senses and knows). In a long piece such as this one is likely to be, you can have several point of view characters, but not generally more than one per scene.

*Check2*Referencing
This chapter is all referencing, telling us in vivid detail about the world. I can't tell, though, if this is Earth or some other planet. I'm not sure if that's important or not.

*Check2*Scene/Setting
Again, lots of vivid details here.

*Check2*Characters
There weren't any. See below.

*Check2*Grammar
I noticed a few places where you have a disagreement between a singular pronoun and a plural antecedent. I've noted these in the line-by-line comments below. There's also a lot of passive voice -- see below.

*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they imagine events along with the author. I've written in more detail on this topic in "Long Musings on Short Stories. While this essay deals with short stories, some of the comments apply to all fiction.

Perhaps the most important consequence of "fiction-as-a-guided-dream" is the "show, don't tell" rule. This chapter has some wonderful, evocative prose, but it is ALL the narrator TELLING the reader things. For example, you describe the disease Bonerot. This would be much more memorable if you showed a victim with the disease, perhaps from the POV of a caregiver. Have them converse, have the caregiver see the ravages and follow the course of the illness. Bring it to life, then to death, in the eyes of one of your characters.

The same is true for the monsters who ravage your world. You tell us about it. Instead, I'd have a character ambling through the city streets when chaos erupts as a monster or two arrive. He sees a stranger scooped up and devoured, while bloody drool pools in front of him and maybe slimes his clothes. Maybe the innards of another monster splash into the street in front of him and he smells the stench and feels the fetid heat before the creature scoops it back up and stuffs it inside himself (herself?). Showing these things happening through the eyes, ears, and senses of your characters brings a greater intimacy and immediacy and draws the reader into your story. What you have instead is a recitation of facts. They are well written facts, with lots of vivid description, but they are just a string of facts with no emotion or power attached to them, since the narrative structure of the author "telling" rather than "showing" distances the reader from the descriptions.

Of course you have to know all the details that you've described. The trick is to reveal them to the reader the way Walmart handles inventory: it should arrive "just in time." You've got an entire novel to paint these pictures and reveal these details. I'd consider starting instead with a person who lives and breathes the details of this world, and reveal thorough that person's senses the details, a bit at a time.

*Star**Star**Star*
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
*Star**Star**Star*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* The seas were just as terminal, and soon became poison. Those who drank from it, *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: The antecedent for "it" is "seas" which is plural, so you should say "them," not "it."

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* It became acidic, potent enough to reduce a man to a steaming pulp if he were unlucky enough to be caught in a field in the middle of a downpour. Buildings were eroded. Some fell, others just waited to. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Here you have two instances of passive voice ("to be caught" and "were eroded"). Passive voice disengages your readers, putting them in passive rather than active mode. It's almost always better to use active verbs, since that keeps the readers active.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Trees lost their life, reduced to wooden, jarring skeletons that stabbed at the air with pained arms. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: I loved this image and this sentence. Not that "lost" is an active verb!

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Statue’s faces were melted down to formless lumps *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Another great image, but "were melted" is passive.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Those who survived the onslaught (both physically and mentally) gathered together. Those with disorders and problems were discarded *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: The previous paragraph described the disease, so "onslaught" here suggests to me these are survivors of the sickness, but I don't think that was your intention. I'd drop the parenthetic comment -- again, this has fallen out of style. Finally, "were discarded" is again passive voice. I won't point out any more of these.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* A government existed, though not a democratic one. A permanently elected leader, *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: These two sentences seem to contradict each other: if he's elected, albeit for life, why isn't it democratic?

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* The soldiers would sometimes stop the monsters with their weapons, sometimes send it running and coated in blood *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This is another case where the antecedent to the singular "it" is the plural "monsters," so "it" should be "them."

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* It was no longer a question of if humanity would survive, but rather how much longer for? *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "for how much longer" to avoid the dangling preposition.
*Star**Star**Star*

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.



367
367
Review of A Lunar Tan  
Review by
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. Thanks for asking me to review your story. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it. You were kind enough to review one of my stories recently, so I thought I'd return the favor.

Item Reviewed: "A Lunar Tan
Author Sticktalker
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

*Check2*General Impressions
I really enjoyed this story -- it reminded me of some of the SciFi I read when I was growing up in the 1950's. The ones that come to mind are the shorts that Heinlein wrote for the Saturday Evening Post, -- things like "Delilah and the Space Rigger." Thanks so much for taking me back to those Halcyon days!

*Check2*Plot
The opening paragraph provides the framing for this story -- a Grandfather memorializing his experiences as one of the first Lunar colonists for his grandchildren. This story revoloves around the delays constructing their shelter, with the Lunar dawn providing a dangerous deadline. Of course, the narrator improviss an ingenious sunscreen and saves the day.

*Check2*Style and Voice
First person past, focused on the unnamed Grandfather. This is written as though he has a grandchild sitting on his knee and is telling the story, or reading it into his computer.

*Check2*Referencing
You've done an excellent job here -- outstanding in fact. From the reference to the EU spaceport in Guyanna, to the spacesuits "back then" being different from "today's," this part of the story really shines and adds enormous verisimilitude. All of this is woven into the narrator's story in an unforced fashion.

*Check2*Scene/Setting
A bit sparse, but more or less what I'd expect given the narrative voice you have selected.

*Check2*Characters
Grandpa and "Uncle Mark." Since Grandpa is the only character who speaks, he's the only one we get to know.

*Exclaim* Dialog.*Exclaim* This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. Because you have presented this story as an extended reminiscence, there is no dialog. I've got more comments on this below.

*Check2*Parenthetic Comments. I suppose this is a matter of style, but I found that the numerous parenthetic comments interrupted the narrative and had a tendency to take me out of the story.

*Check2*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splits.*Exclaim*
A comma split occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma when a period or semicolon should be used. For example:
*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Just how it got there mystified everyone, the best idea (and the one I agree with...I guess that's why I thought it was the best idea) was that a meteor had hit the Lunar surface and blasted this particular chunk of lava away. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: The split happens at "everyone."

*Exclaim* Commas.*Exclaim*
I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes* I'd say most of your adverbs are clutter. There's lots of instances of "finally," "only," "really," and other words that add little or nothing to the prose and just slow things down.


*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers' as active participants in the story, so that they imagine the story along with the author. I have more extended thoughts on this subject in "Long Musings on Short Stories.

Because you have written this as though the narrative is really sitting across from the reader and telling it, you have abandoned many of the ways an author can draw a reader into the story. You have no dialog, for example, and very little in the way of description. You tell us that "fights broke out," but we don't actually see anyone fighting. There are many opportunities to describe setting here -- sharp shadows, the Earthglow, maybe the glitter of the moondust. What did the spacesuits smell like? I bet they stank, something he'd surely remember. My major suggestion for this story is that you re-work it, transitioning from the Grandpa-sitting-across-from-the-reader narrative to a third person limited narrative, where events transpire as in a more conventional story. That lets you insert dialog, setting, and other elements of the story, to make the fictional world more immediate and intimate for your readers.

One other minor point. The nylon fabric plays a fundamental role in resolving the challenge that the characters face. I think it might be good if you introduced it earlier. Perhaps it was used in some fashion in the reactor (maybe as packing?) and describe how he struggled with it. That way, it's already and element of the story, and less of a deus ex machina when it solves the problem.

*Star**Star**Star*
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
*Star**Star**Star*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* I as part of the crew hired to build the first permanent habitat on Luna. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: I think there might be something missing in this sentence.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Most of us were erection specialists who had to pour the plasto-concrete base *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: I happen to review a lot of erotica. This sentence brought a smile to my face. Just sayin'

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Uncle Mark was running the 'cat at the time and he told me the 'cat just clanged and came to a stop when the blade caught the corner of it. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: The word "cat" is used twice in this sentence. This tends to give your prose a monotone feeling, so I'd suggest a more varied word choice.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Me and a couple of other guys were working to get the reactor set up about a quarter of a mile away over a small hill so we couldn't get any of Uncle Mark's report right away. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This sentence felt like a bit of a run-on. I'd consider splitting in two.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Mark said he figured it weighed probably about 100 metric tonnes *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: I'm not sure he wouldn't say "massed," since things weigh less on the Moon.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* They say things come in threes, so, just before the final site leveling was done one of the 'cats' tracks cracked and peeled off. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: I think you need a comma after "done."

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Then we shinnied up the poles and strung up a wire between them. Then we got a couple of other thin poles and used them to flop the nylon up over the wire. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Consecutive sentences starting with "then." See above. I'd consider using "Next" in the 2nd one.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* but Uncle Mark and I built the first Lunar tan sunscreen. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: I loved this clever ending!!


*Star**Star**Star*

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.



368
368
Review of Jack it  
Review by
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi! Thank you for inviting me to read and critique your story. I enjoyed it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

*Check3*General Impressions
This is another scary little tale, with a haunted leather jacket. That's a very original and creative idea! I liked it a lot!

*Check3*Favorite Parts
This line brings chills of anticipation for any reader of horror:

*Cut*No bigger than half a match book, the words - ‘operty of Clyde Robins – Do Not Touch!’ - were scribbled in blue ink across the small tattered piece of material. *Cut*


I also liked the way that the descriptions of Greg's apartment not only provided a creepy setting, but gave insights into his character.

I absolutely LOVED having Greg see a reflection of the ghostly Clyde in his TV screen! That was brilliant! The TV brings images of horror into our homes, whether in fiction or on the nightly news. But you have the TV reflecting the horror within his home. Wonderful!!!

*Check3*Characters
Greg, a somewhat slovenly winner of an eBay auction, and his Jacket.

*Check3*Plot
Greg longs for a leather jacket like the one his sister's boyfriend wore years ago. Dreams can come true...it can happen to you...

*Check3*Setting
Greg's apartment

*Check3*Dialog
there isn't any.

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In this way, the author needs to engage the readers' as active participants in the story, so that they imagine the story along with the author.

I often start my reviews with the above paragraph, because it summarizes the basic theory of fiction. If you keep the above in mind and relentlessly apply it, your stories will be stronger, more immediate, and more intimate for your readers.

Let's take, for an example, flashbacks. Edgar Allen Poe believed that a short story needed to have a unified focus, and that the author should avoid anything that disrupted this unity. This is, of course, an application of the above. Poe also believed that a flashback in a short story interrupted this unity of focus, and so took the reader out of the story. For this reason, flashbacks almost never appear in short fiction.

In this story, at the penultimate moment, the climax is interrupted while you stop and tell us what happened 20 years ago. Your transition to the flashback is clear, but it still jars the reader out of the story. Worse, all of the events in the past are narrated, instead of being shown.

I admit it's a bit of a puzzle how to tell this story without a flashback, since the information is critical to the twist at the end, which in turn is critical to the "ping" that we'd all like to give readers of horror. One way might be to thread memories of Clyde throughout the story -- how Greg admired him, wanted to imitate him, about how this jacket looks just like the one he so admired. Maybe the family MOVED before the police catch Clyde, perhaps out of panic over the string of murders, so Greg doesn't know Clyde was the killer...but, as he lay dying, he sees a newspaper clipping among the packing materials telling the rest of the story? That's kind of lame, and I'm sure you can think of something better, but I think you need to keep this story in real-time as much as possible.

Your lead sentence does a good job of introducing the package and its mysterious contents, although of course Greg knows what's inside. I'd suggest naming your point-of-view character, Greg, in the first sentence and have him chortling over the return address. This sentence appears later, and I'd move it to the front, so readers knows at once that they will be in Greg's head. That helps to draw them into the story.

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes*

I'll illustrate with a couple of examples from your text.
*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Exceedingly pleased with his prize, *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This phrase is telling, and the adverb is just a symptom. Later in the next paragraph, you SHOW Greg being pleased with his prize, as his fingers linger on the soft leather, and he admires himself from various angles in the mirror. No reason to tell us that here. If you feel compelled to put this information out there, perhaps you could say "A warm pulse of pleasure rushed through him as he viewed the jacked" or some such. That makes the pleasure a sensation that happens to him, and conveys its strength.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* The flesh at the sides of Greg’s neck began to constrict as two cold hands wrapped tightly *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "wrapped" is kind of tepid, but the way to improve it is with a more precise verb rather than an adverb. Perhaps "grasped" or "gripped" would convey the same information?


*Exclaim* Past Perfect Tense.*Exclaim* Almost always the word "had" both puts one in passive voice and is unnecessary. For example,

*Cut* The box had arrived on the first day of the previous week. *Cut*

Why not just say it arrived?

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* It had been scrawled in thick black marker across white loose leaf paper. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Note the "had." Also this is in passive voice, which puts your readers in passive mode. It's better to use active voice (see the theory of fiction).

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* with two small holes that had been stitched over in the back*Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: passive voice again.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* They didn’t make good zippers like these anymore it occurred to him. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: I think it would improve the flow a bit to move "it occurred to him" to the start of the sentence, or eliminate it altogether. Since we're in Greg's head, we'll know this is his thought.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* No bigger than half a match book, the words - ‘operty of Clyde Robins – Do Not Touch!’ - were scribbled E *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: I already said I liked this...but "were scribbled" is passive voice.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* He removed the jacket, cleared a few of the many empty beer cans from the dilapidated excuse for a dining table framing one side of his dank bachelor apartment, and laid his new acquisition in their place. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This is kind of a long sentence...I'd consider breaking it into two.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* The corners of his lips crested in to a subtle grin, *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This is kind of a super-picky point. Most of this story is written in "third person limited." That is, you have constructed the narrative from Greg's point of view, and have related only things he can see, hear, smell, etc. This is GOOD -- the majority of modern fiction is written this way. Except here we have a tiny POV violation. Since he can't SEE his own grin, he can't know it's "subtle." Like I said, super-picky.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* It was the only thing the news had talked about for six weeks, *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: I've already mentioned flashbacks are a problem in short fiction, since they take the reader out of the story. This is exacerbated here, where you stop and narrate what happened, rather than seeing it through the eyes, words, and deeds of your characters. I know this is a memory, but memories aren't strings of words, they flash to us as strings of sensations and sights and sounds. In any case, narrative summations are another thing that take readers out of the story.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Panic’s twin sister Horror *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Hmmm...Deimos and Phobos were the twins, right? I always thought "Phobos" translated as "Fear," but I admit I'm not expert.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* it’s arms outstretched toward his neck. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: typo: should be "its." "It's" is always a contraction for "it is."

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Police beat down the door of apartment 204, *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Another POV violation: since he's dead, he can't see this. I'd have the story fade to black, with the last thing Greg sees being the newspaper clipping (if you use that idea) or the reflection of Clyde in the TV (what a spooky image THAT is!!!)


*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*


Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.
369
369
Review of The Wood  
Review by
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

*Check3*General Impressions
Since you are a new member here on WDC, let me begin by saying "Welcome!" This is a great place to post your fiction, get and give critiques, and grow as an author. I hope you find your time here as valuable as I have.

I enjoy reading horror stories, and you have a created a nice one here. There's much to admire in this little piece.

*Check3*Favorite Parts
This story shows some real skill at producing evocative scenes. I'll highlight a couple of my favorites here.

*Cut* The sound curved and wove through the trees like a heavy fog. *Cut*

You've made the sound more than just something for the reader to hear -- you've converted to a slinky, snakey thing slithers through the woods. Nice!

This is another great and creative visual:

*Cut* As soon as dusk trickled across the sky they were to be in the yard. *Cut*


*Check3*Characters
Shey and her father are the main players here. You did a good job of staying in Shey's point of view from start to end.

*Check3*Plot
Something evil giggles in the woods...

*Check3*Setting
A remote Nebraska homestead and the woods in the back yard.

*Check3*Dialog
A bit sparse, but it moved the plot forward.

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

I liked the plot to this story, and I really liked the chilling little twist at the ending. I think this story has great potential to send shivers down the backs of readers. But I also think that there's some basic elements of the craft of fiction that can make this story much stronger.

One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers' as active participants in the story, so that they imagine the story along with the author. The most difficult challenge for any author, even experienced ones, is to learn to consistently "show" rather than "tell." Showing means to put your characters in motion, in word and deed, and reveal the essential elements of the story through their actions. Places where the author stops and summarizes dialog, as opposed to putting words in the mouths of the characters, or summarizes actions, as opposed to having the twigs snap in the forest, take the reader out of the story. Showing draws the readers into the story and engages their imaginations, making them active partners in creating the tale. In my line-by-line comments below, I'll try to highlight some places where I think you should inject more "showing."

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs (well, there's over 20 in this short piece), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes*

I'll illustrate with a couple of examples from your text.
*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut*He scooped the little girl up and practically threw her back from the trees onto the lawn. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: The "practically" here makes the prose tentative and weakens the otherwise strong image that you created. I'd just drop it here, and the other places you use it.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut*Ducking out through the side door, they quickly skittered across the lawn and behind the shed. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "Skittered" is a marvelous word, and implies "quickly." Again, I'd omit the adverb.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Carol remarked, hushing the others and listening pointedly. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Here, "listening" is a bit tepid, but using the adverb is not the way to pep it up. In this case, there'd be non-verbal cues (a tipped head, unfocused eyes, a finger to her lips) that would cue the observer that her listening is "pointed." It's better to describe those and let the reader infer she's being pointed. That little step of inference is one way to draw readers into your story.


*Exclaim* Past Perfect Tense.*Exclaim* Almost always the word "had" distances the reader from the story. Often "had" is unnecessary. For example,

*Cut* Jeanne had never talked to Shey again after that night. *Cut*

This sentence would be both clearer and stronger without the "had." I'd recommend that you scan your story for all uses of past perfect and consider whether simple past tense suffices.


Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Shey had been eleven the summer that she had first ventured into the woods behind the house after dark. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Note the "had." ALso, the "after dark" gives this sentence a bit of a run-on feel.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Shelia, Shey’s younger sister, had once stepped past the forbidden tree line after dark *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: So here's an example where you are narrating a past incident -- telling rather than showing. It's good to establish a pattern of menace for the woods prior to the main incidents of the story, but I wouldn't recommend a flashback in a story this short. Thus, I'd start with this incident, told in full detail, as foreshadowing of the main events of the story.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* the memory of the night Sheila had been caught in the woods came flooding back to her. She wrapped her wool coat about her shoulders and prepared to step into the night. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: The word "night" appears in successive sentences. Repeating words like that tends to give your prose a monotone feel, and it's better to vary your word choice.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Jeanne had pointed out the light in the tree line to the other girls and suggested they go investigate. Shey knew better than to disobey her father but wanted the girls to accept her so she had gone along with their plan. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Here's another place where you have a narrative summary of events rather than showing them happen in real-time.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Nervously they each called each other’s names and extended arms in front of them trying to find one another. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "nervously" is another of those "telling not showing" adverbs. You could describe their hands trembling, or the cool sheen of sweat on Shey's brow, for example, to let the reader infer they are nervous.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* She whispered loudly, *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: another adverb that cries out for more description

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* They had never found the girls. The police and a group of locals had combed the woods for four days before giving up. No sign of them had ever been found.*Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: More past perfect, and "found" repeats in the two sentences.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* The haunting, wispy sounds of young girls giggling wrapped in and around the trees and drifted out beyond the line to her mother’s ears. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Great chills here, bringing the story full circle to a new generation.


*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
I only review things I really like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*


Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.
370
370
Review of Burning  
Review by
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi! Thank you for inviting me to read and critique your story. I enjoyed it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

*Check3*General Impressions
This is a chilling tale, set in colonial Salem during the witch hunts. The narrator is bound to the stake, and the crowd gathers about her, torches ready. She sees one who knows she isn't guilty, and the sight triggers the memory of when she watched her sister burn.

*Check3*Favorite Parts
There are many examples of fine writing here, but the memories at the end really stood out:

*Cut* . Instead I closed my eyes and traveled back in time to the pasture behind my home. I was running, chasing a head of golden blond hair. When she turned around, her vivid blue eyes sparkled in the sunlight, and she smiled. Waving her arm for me to catch up, she turned her back and continued to run barefoot across the soft, green grass. *Cut*


*Check3*Characters
The narrator, filled with regret, the face in the crowd, and the narrator's sister.

*Check3*Plot
The narrator awaits her fate, resigned. She searches the crowd, hoping to find at least one face that holds doubt. When she finds it, painful memories of when her sister burned at the stake come back to her.

*Check3*Setting
Salem town square?


*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In this way, the author needs to engage the readers' as active participants in the story, so that they imagine the story along with the author. There's always a balancing act between too much and too little detail. Too much, and there's no room for the reader as partner; too little, and the reader doesn't have enough to guide him or her.

In this story, I think you could add much more detail to the setting, and, in so doing, add depth to the story. Where are the narrator's parents and her relatives and friends? What are the expressions on the other people's faces? Show the madding crowd in motion by picking out individual faces and describing, in detail, what they are doing. What are the smells? Did the narrator have a dog or horse that looks on? In this small community, she must KNOW the one person who shows doubt. Also, you tell us that this one person shows doubt. It would be better to describe the non-verbal cues that let the narrator infer she's doubtful -- so the reader can make the same inference. That little step of inference helps to draw the reader into the story.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* I could hear their yells, angry voices that bit into the cold night. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: I like the metaphor of the yells biting the cold air. However, by saying "I could hear," you are filtering this sensory information through your narrator. That makes it less immediate and intimate for the reader. It's almost always better to describe the information directly; the reader will infer your narrator heard it.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Through my searching, my gaze suddenly stopped on a pair of emerald green eyes in the face of a young girl about twenty-one. She appeared to be the only one in the crowd who didn’t seem to be enjoying the spectacle. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: I would have written "girl OF about twenty-one." I already commented on the idea of describing the non-verbal cues that let the narrator infer the young girl wasn't enjoying things.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* I understood, now more than ever, how one whisper, one rumor, one minuscule, insignificant comment, can send a life whirling out of orbit. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This is a nice phrase, but I'm not sure someone in colonial Salem would have said "out of orbit."

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* . The skin around my wrists was rubbed raw by the rough rope that kept me secured to the tall post. Straw, hay, and twigs were scattered mercilessly around my feet. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "was rubbed" and "were scattered" are both passive voice. Passive voice puts your reader in passive mode, when you want him or her to be actively engaged in imagining your story along with you. It's almost always better to use active voice.


*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*


Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.
371
371
Review by
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Item Reviewed: "Lacey's Light Ch 1&2
Author Justyn
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

Justyn, this is my second visit to your port. These two opening chapters are quite interesting and show great promise. Since you are working on a novel, I'd encourage you to consider joining one of the novel-writing workshops here on WDC. There's more information and an application form at "Invalid Item These workshops include beginners all the way to widely published authors. I've learned a tremendous amount in the year that I've participated in them.

Because I'm recommending that you consider joining one of the workshops, I'm going to use the workshop format for this review to give you a flavor of what the reviews are like.

*Check2*Plot
We meet three friends: Lacey, Justyn, and Chad. Lacey has a secret: she's running for mayor. Chad has a secret, too. He's in love with Lacey. Justyn is the mediator who is determined to bring them together.

*Check2*Style and Voice
In my previous review, I mentioned "3rd person limited" POV to you. Another possible choice is "3rd person omniscient," in which the author knows everything about everything. This was once a popular style, but it is almost never used today. At least 70% of all fiction today is 3rd person limited, and the vast majority of the remainder is first person. If you aspire to publication, I strongly recommend that you consider revising this to 3rd person limited.

The basic rule of POV is "one scene, one POV." Thus, the first scene in the bar might be entirely in Justyn's POV, and then the second at the banquet might be entirely in Chad's. It's a good idea to limit the number of POV characters. In romance novels, I've heard that editors don't like more than 2 POV characters. Since you seem to have three equally important characters, you might rotate between them. On the other hand, you might use Justyn to tell the story of the romance between Lacey and Chad. I don't know where you're going, so I can't really give advice, beyond the strong suggestion that you use 3rd person limited throughout.

*Check2*Referencing
From various references, I infer that this is modern day. If it turns out to be important to the plot, you might mention cell phones or the recent election to set the time more precisely, although that's not necessary. I have the impression that they are in a medium sized city.

*Check2*Scene/Setting
This was a bit sparse for me, although I tend to go a bit overboard on scene setting. Describing the bar, or the ballroom, can help advance plot or character, and if it's done that way, then it's a good thing. Otherwise, it can have the disadvantage of taking readers out of the story.

*Check2*Characters
We learned quite a bit about our characters, especially in the second chapter. They are vibrant, real, and interesting. We're hoping that Lacey and Chad get together, but something tells me that her mayoral ambitions might conflict with the romance in some way.

*Check2*Grammar
There's a LOT of adverbs again in this piece -- over fifty by my count. Adverbs are something, like omniscient POV, that are out of style. I'd recommend that you examine each one to see if it can be eliminated. If you think you need the image it gives, then try to find a more precise verb choice, or a touch more description, to eliminate the adverb.

*Check2*Just my personal opinion
I think I'm like most readers -- I have to like the characters in order to want to read the story. Once I'm invested in the characters, then I care about things like plot and conflict. You've got interesting characters, with a fascinating set of relationships. I want to know more about them, and I want to see how the romance works out. I'm ready for plot to rear its head and see the conflicts they must surmount.

That said, I think there's quite a bit of telling as opposed to showing in these two chapters, especially in the second one. These are in the form of "narrator intrusions," in which the author stops and relates a set of facts about a character, history, situation, or whatever. It's much better if the characters reveal these things, either in their own words or, even better, in deeds. So, for example, you TELL us about the hesitant affection between Lacey and Chad. It would be so much stronger to SHOW that affection and hesitation in the words and deeds of the characters. The whole first chapter could have been plotted out to exactly that end. You might even have put them in a bar with a dance floor, and have Justyn urge them to dance together. Let the reader INFER the relationship between them, and the influence that Justyn has. That will draw the readers into the story.

Similarly, your opening paragraphs dragged somewhat for me. If Chad were to be the POV character for this scene, I'd start where he surveyed the bar and spotted Justyn. If Justyn were the POV character, perhaps have her order something and exchange words with barkeep, maybe about the upcoming mayoral election. In any case, I'd start with my characters doing something, not with a description of the bar. Starting in media res is vital, especially in the first chapter of a novel.

*Check2*Line Edits

*Star**Star**Star*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Her back was to him, so she was caught completely unaware when a well-built guy grabbed her shoulder, and dropped a kiss on her cheek. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: The staging confused me a bit here. In the previous sentence, he's watching her, so here I thought he was still watching and someone else approached her.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Chad slowly took a pull on his beer, watching Justyn squirm with impatience, though she tried to hide it. She lived so much for the moment, it was amusing to keep her hanging now and then. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Note the adverb -- maybe he "sucks" on his beer or something? The "She lived so much in the moment" is close to one of those narrator intrusions -- except that here it's Chad's thought and the reason he's keeping her hanging. This is a GOOD way to insert this kind of character information, by putting it into Chad's head.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Chad's eyes sparkled just a tiny bit more. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: But if we're in Chad's head, he can't see his own eyes sparkle.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Its been a while, my friend. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: typo-should be "it's"

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* she whispered "Hello stranger" as sultrily as she could. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: A perfect place to show her being sultry by describing tone of voice and body language, rather than telling us with the adverb...

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Lacey hugged Chad fiercely, then wrapped her arms around Justyn. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: You shouldn't use "then" as a connective conjunction. It's better to say "and then..."

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* As the bartender went to put their order in, Justyn turned around and sat primly in her chair with her hands folded demurely in her lap. Blinking sweetly at Lacey, Justyn simply sat. Chad could barely keep his beer in his mouth, he was laughing so hard. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: I'll stop pointing adverbs...but there's five of them in this paragraph...

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* She had soared through college, majoring in political science, with a minor in American History. She had a true passion for her country, and those who lived in it. Lacey felt very strongly that given the opportunity, she could make a difference in the lives of those around her. WIth her two best friends standing beside her, Lacey felt she could accomplish anything. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This is one of those 'narrator intrusions' that I mentioned.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* For ten years, these friends had shared every up and down, every good and bad, every tear and laugh. It certainly wouldn't stop now, as Lacey's career ramped up. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: another one...

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Their eyes met, across the room. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Everyone has pet peeves. One of mine is a pronoun with an uncertain antecedent. Since we've started a new chapter, it's not clear who "they" are. You name "them" a couple of sentences down -- I'd name them here and remove doubt from the reader's mind.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* he was aware of many details that most people missed. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Another bit of telling -- you SHOW him doing this in the rest of the paragraph. No need to tell us, and it weakens the showing.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* How it had taken over his heart, how she had become the focus of his life? *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This is a huge thing to blurt out in narration, even in the character's thoughts. I wish that the groundwork had been set in the previous chapter.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* How it had taken over his heart, how she had become the focus of his life? *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: telling again, not showing. I note that the POV has changed from Chad to Justyn at this point.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Justyn watched Lacey simply light up when Chad came in a room. She watched as Chad's chest puffed out with pride whenever he looked at Lacey, or talked about her accomplishments in life. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This sentence starts a paragraph in which the author summarizes things that have happened in the past. this is another instance of "narrator intrusions" where it would be stronger to show these facts in the interactions between the characters.

I really did like these two chapters a lot, and found much to admire in the characterizations and the romance. Thanks for sharing, and I hope you will consider joining the Mainstream Manor.

*Star**Star**Star*

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Bill, the MathGuy
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/

** Image ID #1343864 Unavailable **
372
372
Review of Cruelty Of Fate  
Review by
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi! Thank you for inviting me to read and critique your story. I enjoyed it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

*Check3*General Impressions
Teen suicide is an important and serious topic, and this story addresses it with the gravity it deserves. The first person narration adds a degree of intimacy to this story, as does the semi-stream-of-consciousness narrative. These elements add up to an imposing little piece.

*Check3*Favorite Parts
Besides being a vivid image, this tells us at once what this story is about:

*Cut* Then it hit me, the first wave of searing pain. It shot up my arm, the root of the pain starting at a crimson red cut on my wrist, shooting up to my shoulder, in intervals. *Cut*


...an unexpected sneeze, and then...

*Cut* The blade, thin as a hair, sliced through the small of my arm, easier then a bullet through paper. *Cut*

This is a horrifying, vivid image.

*Check3*Characters
The narrator is the only character we meet, and we learn about him through his internal thoughts.

*Check3*Plot
He wakes to a throbbing pain in his arm and confusion, then recalls having suicidal thoughts, an razor blade at his wrist, and an unexpected sneeze...

*Check3*Setting
Hmm...this was a bit sparse. More on this below.

*Check3*Dialog
All internal. It was effective in that in mimicked what one might expect under these circumstances.

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In this way, the author needs to engage the readers' as active participants in the story, so that they imagine the story along with the author. There are a variety of fictional techniques available to authors to achieve this basic goal, and some things that experienced authors tend to avoid.

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs (well, there's over 30 in this story), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes*

I'll illustrate with a couple of examples from your text.
*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* I sat up very slowly, it gave me a head rush, as I winced, from the grewsome pain flying up my left arm. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: It's the "very slowly" I'd like to focus on here. You are correct that "sat up" is a rather colorless verb, but using an adverb to improve it isn't the best way to go. Perhaps he "struggled" to a sitting position, for a more precise verb. Better yet, fill in more descriptions -- maybe his head wobbles and the room spins about him? Adding depth to the description will make this more immediate and intimate for your readers.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* The blade, thin as a hair, sliced through the small of my arm, easier then a bullet through paper. I immediately knew i was screwed, *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: The "immediately" is what I'd like to focus on here. Perhaps, instead, Fear or panic "flashed" through him as his blood pumped out. You might have him think "I'm screwed" rather than telling us he knows he's screwed. Showing him thinking or speaking is more intimate for the reader than telling us that he said or thought something.

First person narration is tricky to pull off. Paradoxically, it tends to distance the reader from the story rather than be more intimate. One reason is that the author falls into phrases like "I saw" or "I felt" rather than describing the sensations directly, the latter always being more intimate. Also, a first person narrator is unlikely to comment on things like what his room looks like, or what his personal appearance is. Yet, adding these little details help the reader to imagine your story along with you. About 70% of fiction is writtin in something called "third person limited." Here, the story is told in third person, but the author only describes things that a single point-of-view character can see, smell, taste, etc.

As I hinted above, I'd like to see more sensory information in this story. What does his mouth taste like when he wakes up? What does his room smell like with his blood in it? Do his ears roar or do sounds seem dead when he awakes? You do a good job with his pain, the visual of the cut in his arm, but other sensory information would help.

There's several places where you have something called a "comma split." This happens when two sentences are joined with a comma when either a period or semicolon would be correct. For example:

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* I opened my eyes and looked around, I'm in my room, *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: There should be a period or semi-colon after "around."

Finally, you asked about the ending. This was one of the things that I thought made the story effective, starting with snippets of memory from his life and culminating with his release.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* . I sat up very slowly, it gave me a head rush, as I winced, from the grewsome pain flying up my left arm. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Another comma split, plus I think you meant "gruesome."

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut*I'm to ashamed.. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Should be "too." Also, there's a double period.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* like not getting my own way or the occasional arguing of my parents. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: I think there's a missing word.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Then it became more deeper, uncontrollable,*Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Should be either "more deep" or just "deeper."

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* "Why don't I remember whats going on.." *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Should be "what's"

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* But now, its unbearable, all the time, all day long. It even effects my dreams! *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Should be "it's" for "it is." Also, should be "affects." A good rule of thumb is that "effect" is a noun and "affect" is a verb (except when psychologists use it to describe a person's manner)

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* trying to catch my breath and loose this feeling of fatigue. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: typo: lose


*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*


Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.
373
373
Review by
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the "Show Off Your Best" contest. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

*Check3*General Impressions
Jaye, this is a wonderful holiday story with a heartwarming message. Thank you for sharing it!

*Check3*Favorite Parts
Your opening paragraph is great! We meet Louise, learn it's Christmastime, and learn that she doesn't like it:

*Cut* Louise walked into the supermarket and felt as if someone had punched her in the stomach; tears welled in her eyes. Blue and silver Christmas decorations were everywhere. Swags of tinsel and huge balls hung suspended from the ceiling, and poinsettias bloomed in every corner. "Why won't they just let me forget about it?" she muttered. *Cut*


Throughout, you did an excellent job of getting into Louise's head and giving us a striking picture of her melancholy. This, of contrasts with the holiday cheer she encounters everywhere.

*Check3*Characters
Louise and her absent son, sent off to war.

*Check3*Plot
Louise misses her son, and reluctantly agrees to help with Christmas dinner at a shelter. When there, she finds the true spirit of Christmas.

*Check3*Setting
The store, her home, then the shelter. Of the three, I could picture the shelter best.

*Check3*Dialog
The primary dialog consists of two conversations between Louise and Maribel. These served to advance plot and character.

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers' as active participants in the story, so that they imagine the story along with the author. With this in mind, there's some minor revisions that I think would make this fine story better.

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes*

Most of your adverbs are helpers like "only," "probably," and "actually." These aren't really bad, but they tend to be clutter that disrupts and weakens the flow of the narration. There's a small number of adverbs where I think a slight re-working of the text would help. I'll illustrate with an example from your text.
*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Louise began to silently tackle the mounds of potatoes*Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: You've established that the other women are chatting when she joins them, so it's good to establish that she doesn't join in. Why not just say that, or even say that their conversation buzzed in the background but she didn't listen? Maybe one of the women speaks to her and she says, "I'm sorry, I wasn't listening..." The "silently" is a bit of telling, when showing her BEING silent is more intimate and immediate for the reader.
I've got a few other remarks along the same lines. For example, you describe the grocery store as being festive, and TELL us that the checker said "Happy Holidays" and that Louise "forced as smile," but I'd consider showing this whole little exchange in more detail. Indeed, since we don't learn about how she and Jimmy go to the shelter every Christmas until halfway through, this would be a great place for the checker to ask if she and her son are going this year. That establishes the shelter as a key element in the story.

Also, when she watches on CNN, maybe she sees a wounded shoulder in a wheel chair and worries that Jimmy will come home that way -- another bit of foreshadowing. At Christmas time, the news often has stories about how the troops will spend the holiday -- another way to foreshadow and contrast what's happening in the story.

These are little bits of narrative ideas that might connect the start of your story a little better with ending. I'm sure you can think of other, better ways to do this.


Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Of course, she prayed that that wouldn't happen. Constantly, she prayed, *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "prayed" repeats in these two sentences, which tends to give your prose a monotone feel; I'd consider using another word for one of them.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* At home she had nothing to remind her that Christmas was just around the corner. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This is "telling" rather than showing. In the very next paragraph she arrives home -- maybe she's relieved that there's no reminders of Christmas in her house? Of course, when she turns on the TV, that changes...

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut*As she approached she could hear the music, laughter and cheerful chatter.*Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Phrases like "she could hear" filter the sensory information through your characters, making it less immediate and intimate for your reviewers. I'd rephrase, describing the sounds directly.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* A group of live carolers replaced the radio and even the noise in the kitchen could not drowned out their joyous voices. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: typo -- should be "drown."

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* When the last dessert plate had been filled a *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "had been filled" is passive voice, which puts your readers in passive, receptive mode when you want them actively imagining your story along with you. I'd consider rephrasing.


*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
I only review things I really like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*


*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*


Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.
374
374
Review of The Piano Teacher  
Review by
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
Merry Christmas! I'm waiting for my family to awake this morning, and went looking for something to review. I'm so glad I found this romantic little piece!!

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

*Check3*General Impressions
This was a wonderful, romantic little story, filled with both the love of music and the love two people can share. I see that I've reviewed another of your stories -- "First Day on the Job -- and I've enjoyed both.

*Check3*Favorite Parts
This is lovely:

*Cut* Brian's fingers played softly over the keys, dancing on eggshells, his tips barely pressing on the white and black *Cut*


The description of Mr. Vincent is great...especially:

*Cut* smile that wrinkled upwards and hit his blue eyes like a bolt of lightning *Cut*


Later, there's creative descriptions of, parts...

*Cut* like a porpoise on the sea *Cut*


*Check3*Characters
Brian, 24, taking piano lessons, and attracted to his teacher, Mr. Vincent. This is Brian's first gay encounter, and he's afraid and enraptured at once.

*Check3*Plot
Brian's last lesson and first tryst.

*Check3*Setting
Mr. Vincent's studio.

*Check3*Dialog
Only a bit, but it moves the story forward.

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers' as active participants in the story, so that they imagine the story along with the author. You do a great job of putting us in Brian's head, and making us feel what he feels. There's a place or two where I'll have some suggestions on craft, but the form, pacing, and structure are nearly perfect.

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes*

I'll illustrate with a couple of examples from your text.
*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Brian's fingers played softly over the keys, dancing on eggshells *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: The "dancing on eggshells" is such a marvelous metaphor! It deserves so much better than the "played softly" as a prelude. Perhaps Brian's fingers "caressed" the keys with "pianissimo" strokes, or some other musical metaphor. You're correct that "played" is rather colorless, but pepping it up with an adverb isn't the way to go. Finding a better verb, or using a simile or metaphor provides a stronger image.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* The song was played perfectly. When the last note faded away into silence, a deep voice behind him softly spoke. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "Softly spoke" is a perfect example where a more precise verb provides a better image. Perhaps he "murmured" or "whispered?"

You might consider a touch more description of Mr. Vincent's studio. Is there sunlight (or moonlight?) streaming through the windows? Is it large or small? Is the carpet worn or plush? Are there pictures on the walls, or a bust of Beethoven on the piano? Is the piano a spinet or a grand? I wouldn't overdo it, but these touches can add to mood, and reveal bits and pieces of Vincent's character.

I'd also like a touch of description as to what Brian looks like. Perhaps he's imitated Mr. Vincent, and not shaved, or he brushes his hair from his eyes. Is he slim, or muscular? Just a hint, to spur the readers' imaginations.

I loved the arc that the musical metaphor provided this story, but I wonder if you meant "Moonlight Sonata" instead of "Moonlight Serenade?" The latter usually refers to a Glenn Miller song -- see
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moonlight_Serenade

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Brian's fingers played softly over the keys, dancing on eggshells, his tips barely pressing on the white and black brushes, stroking together a picture of beauty, passion, joy, desire, and then rising to a climax, pulsing and swaying with eagerness and build until the explosion of ecstasy. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This is a really great sentence, but I've got a couple of minor tweaks to suggest. I already noted the "played softly." I don't think you need the word "together" and it somewhat breaks the rhythm. I liked all of the words " beauty, passion, joy, desire," but editors generally want you to limit yourself to three adjectives in succession. Finally, I think you meant "building" instead of "build."

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* The song was played perfectly. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "Was played" is the first of several places you've used passive voice. This puts your readers in a passive, receptive mood, when you want them to be actively imagining your story along with you. Thus, I'd rephrase all of these to use active voice.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Brian McVane, was hopelessly attracted to his instructor. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: The words "his instructor" repeat from the prior sentence. Repeating words makes your prose feel monotone, so I'd consider revising, perhaps just saying "him," since Mr. Vincent is the only other one present. In fact, I've noticed you do something I do too, which is over-use your character names. If you use "Brian" in a sentence, for example, then it's not necessary to name "Mr. Vincent," and you can refer to him with a pronoun. I always have to go through and revise, with an eye to reducing the number of times I use my characters' names. I suggest you do the same.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* He had never been gay before *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: As a gay person, I have to say this phrase jarred a bit. Perhaps he'd never "felt attracted to a man before," or "had gay feelings" before. But, I think most gay people will say that they were always gay, even before they realized it. Since this is a romantic piece, I'd suggest softening this a bit.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* his well-built chest, the ever-present 5 o'clock shadow on his chin and cheeks, his smile that wrinkled upwards and hit his blue eyes like a bolt of lightning *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: what a wonderful description this is!!! But...for symmetry, I'd consier "HIS ever-present five o'clock shadow," relplacing the "the" with "his." Also, you should write out the five.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Brian didn't think that Mr. Vincent had noticed, but there were times after he had felt his instructors firm hand *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: typo: should be "instructor's." While "it's" always means "it is" and thus "its" is possessive without an apostrophe, that's not true with other words. The logic of English is so wonderful...

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* This had been adjusted as soon as possible *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: another instance of passive voice.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* every time Mr. Vincent brushed his cheek with Brian to show him closely how a note was to be played *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "to be played" is passive voice. The adverb closely suggests intimacy, but I wish you could find a stronger way to show that. A touch more description might do it.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Every note on key *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Hmm...he's playing a piano, not singing, right? So, unless the instrument is out of tune, every note will be "on key." Maybe every note is "in place?"

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Probably not the parts I think about, Brian thought to himself. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "Think" and "thought" are a bit repetitive. I'd consider using "dream" for "think"

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* His mouth was enveloped by his instructors *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: passive voice, and it should be "instructor's"

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* The smell was intoxicating. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "was intoxicating" is a statement of fact, which isn't very vivid in this setting. Perhaps Brian's head spun as he inhaled the intoxicating scent? And what, exactly, does it smell like? Later, what does it taste like?

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* he began bobbing his head *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Almost always, when one uses "begin" or "began" it slows the narrative and the image is stronger without it. Also, I'm wondering how he's suppressing the natural gagging reflex here. No matter how eager, it takes practice to learn how to do that. For verisimilitude, you might add a touch more description to let the reader know this isn't a "deep throat" situation.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* was muffled by Vince's ever-insistent kisses. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "was muffled" is passive voice again.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* onto the satin carpet of the performance room floor. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "satin?" Really? I can't picture satin carpet.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Finally, they got up silently. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Another place where a touch more could add much. Perhaps "Silence echoed between them as they got up..."

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Brian walked out of the room slowly *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Another place where the adverb limps...perhaps he "walked on reluctant feet" or "he hesitated at the door before leaving," or some other way to give a stronger image?


*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*


Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.
375
375
Review by
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the review request page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart*

*Check3*General Impressions
Marty, I really liked this little character sketch. I could identify with Sean and his frustrations with his situation. The positive ending to the story was a great counterpoint to the thoughtless boors that populated the earlier parts.

*Check3*Favorite Parts
You've got some great descriptions here. Vivid images interlaced with Sean's acid wit. For example:

*Cut* Sean leveraged his weight with the handles of the flatbed to swing the massive mound of stacked boxes that looked to him like a Mayan ziggurat made of cardboard *Cut*


I loved his observations of the other people in the queue at Subway both times he visited. His frustration coupled with his wit make this an entertaining story!

*Check3*Characters
Sean, of course, is the star and point-of-view character. You etch the other characters who populate this little psychodrama with a fine eye for what makes strangers at once so annoying and so fascinating.

*Check3*Plot
Sean has a nasty, demanding customer at the appliance "design expo" where he works. She's fat, insulting, and expects him to work over his lunch hour. He escapes to the Subway for a sandwich, stands in line forever, only to find he forgot his wallet. Still hungry, the petty assistant manager calls him for a reprimand over a customer complaint, and sends him home for the day. He returns to the subway and overhears an exchange with loving family group in line in front of him. This restores his faltering faith in humanity.

*Check3*Setting
Design Expo, Subway, Sean's car.

*Check3*Dialog
What you have is good. I like Sean's internal dialog. The woman on the cell phone was excellent. I think you need more of this, especially as you seem to have a talent for capturing natural speech patterns and rhythms.

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers' as active participants in the story, so that they imagine the story along with the author. There are elements of story-telling craft that enhance this overall goal, and also "traps" that impede it.

One of the most fundamental elements of the craft of fiction is the "show don't tell" mantra. Showing events in such a way that the reader can conclude someone is selfish, or demanding, or demeaning, rather than telling them, makes the story more intimate and immediate in the reader's imagination. I found several places in your story where you would first "tell," then "show." The "telling" weakens the impact of the "showing." In other places you fell into "telling" and omitted the "showing." I'll try to point some of these out in my line-by-line comments below.

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs (well, there's over 80 in this short piece), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes*

I'll illustrate with a couple of examples from your text.
*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Without waiting for a response, he turned on his heel and walked briskly away from the indignant and sadly un-melted face that had plagued him for the past hour. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: The "walked briskly" is my focus here. "Walk" is a rather colorless verb, so you "pepped it up" by adding the adverb "briskly." Choosing a more precise verb, such as "strode," gives a more immediate image. Adding a touch of description -- maybe he "pivots" and his rubber soles leave black marks on the floor or squeak -- would add to the sensory information.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut*Sean could literally feel his blood pressure rising as he struggled to wrestle a marble sink off an inconveniently high shelf. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This is a place where your adverb -- "literally" -- is just clutter that weakens the sensory information of his blood pressure rising. I'd consider just eliminating it. In addition, phrases like "Sean could feel" or "Sean heard" filter the sensory information through your character, which reduces the immediacy and intimacy for your reader. It's stronger to just say "The veins in Sean's brain pulsed as his blood pressure rose..." -- the readers will infer that Sean "felt" it since he's the POV character.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* t wasn’t just the tragic fact that he was risking his life by standing on a wobbly ladder and lifting an eighty pound appliance for slightly more then minimum wage either. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: typo: should be "THAN a minimum wage worker." There's several places where you've used "then" when "than" is the correct word.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* No, Sean’s tension was mainly due to the obscenely obnoxious woman standing a few feet away that was literally tapping her foot with impatience while pursing the fat jowls of flesh that made up her face into some horrific combination of a scowl, grimace and frown. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: There's much to admire in this description, but it's weakened by a few minor slips of craft. You might consider something like:
*Idea**Paste* Sean's tension screwed tighter as his eyes fell on his customer. She was an Orca-fat woman who stood a few feet away, tapping her foot while pursing the jowls of flesh that made up her face into some horrific combination of a scowl, grimace and frown. *Paste**Idea*
I'm sure you can do better than this spur-of-the-moment revision; I just stuck it in for an example. Note that I've eliminated adverbs, eliminated the "telling" that she's obnoxious, since you "showed" that with her tapping foot and her grimace. Not much difference, but it makes your already strong image a touch more immediate. I should also that you used "literally" two sentences previous in this paragraph. Repeating words like this tends to make your prose have a monotone feel, and it is better to vary your word choice.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* And, as Sean had learned in the past six months, rich people felt entitled to the most obsequious acts of servitude and self-deprecation their retail slaves could muster, in fact they demanded it. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This is all telling -- as is much of the information in the preceding paragraph. You're going to show this in the demanding customer's actions in the next paragraph -- no reason to tell us.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* To Sean it felt worse then getting slapped or spit on, (at least those affronts required acknowledgement) this was a subtle yet stark way for these people to convey how small he was to them. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Again, her body language, her words, and other elements of this scene show all of this. Don't tell it.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* you really take your time don’t you, you must get paid by the hour? *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This is a great line that speaks volumes about how this customer regards "the help." This is an outstanding example of "showing" -- do more of this!!!

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* I’m sorry ma’am, I actually have to leave for lunch, I’ll have to call someone else to help you with your things. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: This is a comma split. You should have a period after "lunch" rather than a comma since this is two sentences.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* He knew there was a good chance he would get reprimanded *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: "would get reprimanded" is passive voice. This is one of those things that puts readers in passive, receptive, mode and disengages them from the story. It's almost always better to re-phrase using active voice. Also, this would be a good time to mention the manager by name, setting up their later conversation.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* QUOTE HERE *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment:
*Idea**Paste* COMMENT HERE *Paste**Idea*

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* On his way out the door Sean saw his previous customer standing at the front check out area with a manager, she saw Sean, grabbed the manager’s arm, and pointed in his direction like someone making an accusation of witchcraft in the sixteen hundreds. *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: another comma split.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* He felt himself tensing up with that irrational rage people get when other people are in their way, *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: The "he felt" distances the reader. Better to say "his muscles writhed" or some such.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* You…Mother…f***ER!!! was Sean’s mental scream of protest *Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: Great reaction from Sean. Internal thoughts should be in italics.

*Bullet* Your text:
*Cut* Fine your gonna act like a child then*Cut*
*Idea* My Comment: typo: should be "you're." There's several other places where this shows up, too.


*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*


Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
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