Hi, my name is Max. Thanks for asking me to read the first chapter of you novel. I enjoyed it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
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Item Reviewed: "Isaac's Dream, Chapter 1"
Author scifiguy
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️🌈
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As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better. Since you are fairly new to WDC, I wanted to welcome you here. I've found this to be a great place to make new friends and to learn and grow as an author. I hope you find your time here as productive as I have.
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General Impressions
This chapter launches what promises to be an adventure novel set in the far future. It introduces two characters and a potential love interest for one of them. It also establishes the premise for the adventure, an archeological research expedition. Structurally, this is a fine start.
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Plot
There are two scenes in this chapter. The first is short, almost a prologue, which finds our two characters on the moon at the start of their studies. The second scene places them on their first assignment after graduation, in charge of a star ship in the archeological corps.
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Style and Voice
Third person, fictional past. I have some substantial comments on this later on.
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Referencing
Lots of little hints of advanced technology, without going off the deep end explaining how they work. They're just there, accepted by the characters (for the most part), and show up in context. This is all to the good, as it establishes the future world without being a textbook in physics.
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Scene/Setting
This was a bit sparse. You described the exterior of their ship pretty well, but the interior was a bit unclear to me. What does the ship smell like? Is it set up for free-fall, or do they use an interior gravity field? If they use the latter, why expend the energy on it? Are the quarters cramped or roomy? Is everything metal-gray like on a navy ship, or are there colors to improve the psychology of a long flight? I'd expect Johnny would have pictures of Miller pasted up all over, while Verdan would have Samurai warrior prints. These are ways to show character as well as to establish setting and help with staging.
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Characters
I have a pretty clear understanding of these characters, but that comes from various things that you've told the reader. That means that, while I intellectually understand that Johhny is quick and a nerd and that Verdan is charismatic and handsome, I don't have any emotional depth to that understanding. It would be much stronger if you revealed these traits by putting your characters in motion and putting words in their mouths, having them interact in ways that reveal these things. I also don't have a good feeling for what either of these characters look like, other than one is muscular and the other isn't.
Dialog. This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. I thought the dialog was natural and moved plot and character forward.
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Adverbs. You don't overuse adverbs (well, there's over 40, which is quite a few), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs
The road to hell is paved with adverbs. |
. I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consdier a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.
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Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. These ideas provide context to some of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.
The above brings me to my biggest suggestion for this chapter. One of the most important elements of craft for an author to master is point of view. While many classic pieces of literature have used omniscient narrators, and a few have jumped from one character's head to another's, this is very much frowned on today. The most basic rule of point of view is: one scene, one point of view.
The idea is that the author immerses the reader in one character's point of view in each scene. This is sometimes called "third person limited" because the author is "limited" to describing only what that character can sense and think. What the other characters sense and think have to be shown in their actions and words and so inferred by the reader. This immersion encourages the "fictional dream" that is the author's basic goal.
Now, a novel like this one might have any number of point-of-view characters. From what I've read, Verdan, Johnny and Miller will all probably have scenes in which they are that character. But you should restrict the point of view in EACH scene to ONE character.
In this chapter, the point of view "hops" between Verdan and Johnny, sometimes from one paragraph to the next. Editors hate this, and it will be a huge barrier to publication. The good news is that it's easy to fix, once you're aware of it. The bad news is that it's hard to do consistently. I still have POV slips in my writing. Alas, I can find them like a demon in other people's prose, but miss them in my own.
The second thing I'd like to point out is "showing" versus "telling." For example, when a character says something "angrily" this is telling the reader he's mad. If he snarls it, or scowls, or jerks around while he says it, the readers infer he's angry and emotion is more immediate and genuine for them. This is another thing that's very hard to learn to do.
Finally, I've already written to you about avoiding "info-dumps," where the story stops and the narrator tells the reader stuff. I've marked a couple of these in this chapter.
Now, it might seem that I've found quite a lot I didn't like in this chapter. That's not true. There's some elements of craft that I think need attention, but that's not at all uncommon for an author who is putting his work out for the first time for public comment. These are all things you learn and repair.
Your characters are strong and distinct, the plot is interesting, and the future world has a detailed and well-thought-out premise. I think this novel shows a lot of promise and I certainly encourage you to continue to work on it.
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Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
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Taking a few steps across the lunar soil to peer through the protective glass at the remnants of the Eagle, Johnny readjusted his focus and found that someone had carved ‘Jimmy loves Kate - 2865’ on the barrier, giving him a new angle: My comment: This sentence puts us in Johnny's point of view.
Verdan decided to give his best answer first, hoping it would occupy Johnny’s mind long enough so he could finish his homework. My comment: Now in the next paragraph, we're in Verdan's head.
He knew exactly how to get Verdan to engage a subject he’d rather ignore, and if the next six years of their lives were to have any meaning, he had to find a way to get Verdan to focus on his education My comment: back in Johnny's head.
instead of running away to join the Mekkido Corps against his father’s wishes. My comment: telling. It would be stronger to have them argue about this, even stronger to have Verdan and his father argue about this. I'm not sure the reader needs to know this bit right now, in any case.
Johnny absorbed knowledge through his pores and exuded it through his fingertips, a gift that Verdan didn’t possess. Consequently, Johnny had a lot of time to waste while Verdan studied. My comment: telling.
It was a peculiar statement by a young man who was just embarking on a journey that would take both of them to the furthest reaches of the galaxy in search of an answer to a question few had even thought to ask. My comment: and here we have a narrator intrusion.
b} They had been assigned a ship from the fleet, a mentor for their residency, and all they needed now was their first assignment. My comment: "assigned" and "assignment" repeat. Repeating words and phrases like this can give your prose a monotone feeling. It's usually better to have more varied word choice.
Verdan wanted to feel better about being in this situation but it was going to take some time. My comment: Verdan's point of view...
The only time Johnny wasn’t kidding around was when he was sleeping, which averaged about four hours a day. To him, life was too short to waste sleeping or being dull, especially when you only lived for 300 years… My comment: telling...put these words in a character's mouth, and it's showing.
Sheryl Miller was a classmate with the two men for a few years, an attractive brunette with a gorgeous smile and the personality of an angel. Johnny fell in love with her infectious giggle and light hazel eyes but never found the courage to tell her how he felt. Simply being in the same room with her brought unending amounts of both terror and joy to him, reducing the otherwise confident young man to a muttering pile of mush that she found neither attractive nor interesting. My comment: Another narrator intrusion...note how the story stops while you tell us this. You could have him kiss her photo (maybe on his phone?) and have Verdan jeer that it was good thing she wasn't there or he'd be a jabbering idiot. THEN it would be showing.
Johnny ate this kind of conversation up, because when it came to a battle of wits, he knew Verdan fought with a spoon. My comment: telling that borders on being in Johnny's head.
Verdan was the typical Mech jock type: Born oozing intelligence, charisma, and strength, but without an intact funny bone to his name. Johnny always figured that’s why they’d gotten along so well growing up, for whatever one lacked, the other made up for in spades. My comment: telling...the 2nd sentence is definitely in Johnny's head.
Verdan poked his head out of the sensor cabin, tossed a grin to his buddy and said, “If the whole human race died out, and all that was left was you and her, you still wouldn’t have a pickup line that’d work if you had a cutter in both ears.” My comment: See, THIS is great showing!!! I loved the "tossed a grin to his buddy," too! Note that you're in Verdan's head in this paragraph, and it's alive and vivid.
Well, every now and then Verdan pulled one out, but you had to wait for it. Johnny laughed at what was probably a true statement, banging his head on a strut as he got back into position. My comment: Now you've slipped back into Johnny's head. I'll stop pointing out the POV shifts from here on.
That elicited another snort from the newest Captain of The Straggler, My comment: I'm not sure. Shouldn't the name of the ship e italicized? Like the {i]Queen Mary? See
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Naming_conv...(ships)
with several different Mechs, the term used for anything “mechanized” that men used as an extension of their physical selves. My comment: You don't need the explanation. This is obvious from context.
“Hey Verdan,” Johnny said quizzically. My comment: I dislike adverbs, as noted above. Here's one where you could just say he "asked." If you wanted, you could add a touch of nonverbal about body language, facial expression, or tone.
Becoming a successful Mech pilot meant fame, fortune, and glory, but for Verdan it was Bushido; it was about the way of life. My comment: this starts four paragraphs of narrator intrusions. The story stops while the narrator tells us stuff.
The CommLink chirped and Verdan popped out of the hatch again, angrily waving his hand at the console. My comment: The story re-starts. Instead of telling the readers he's angry, have him scow., or curse or something. Let the readers infer he's angry. That little step of inference is one way of drawing readers into your story.
Miller’s gorgeous form was instantly displayed My comment: passive voice. This puts your readers in a passive, receptive, mood. Instead you want your readers to be your active partners in imagining your story, so it's almost always better to use active voice.
Although she was light years away from them, the avatar projected by CommLink system was a breathtaking, full color recreation, from the individual follicles of hair right down to the panty line ridges across the back of her cute little bubble butt that drove Johnny crazy. My comment: I understand you need some kind of FTL communication system, along with an FTL drive. Both have problems with causality, although the latter is not completely impossible (look up the Alcubierre drive, for example). I don't consider this a big flaw, as I think people who read this kind of fiction are willing to suspend disbelief about relativity for the sake of plot, but it's always nice if you can give some kind of explanation at some point.
“Hi Verdan! Are you ready for your first assignment?” Even as a projection, her smile was so bright it could light a small planet. My comment: Nice metaphor...but you're in Johnny's head when you say this, after a long stint in Verdan's.
That went well, he thought. My comment: Definitely in Johnny's head...sorry, I said I was going to stop pointing these out.
“Hello, Sheryl,” Verdan chuckled, grimacing at the sight of his friend crashing and burning. My comment: See, this puts you immediately back in Verdan's head. The back and forth is distracting... “
but this exploration Mech we were given My comment: passive voice.
As he listened to Johnny squirm, Verdan figured this might be a fun way of life after all. My comment: can he listen to him squirm? Also, it would be nice if there were some hook in the action that leads to the next chapter.
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I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.
Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!
Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!
Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories at "Long Musings on Short Stories" .
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