*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mattsama
Review Requests: OFF
1 Public Reviews Given
4 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Mattsama
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I feel like while writing this, you had to get up and go back to work, or something to that effect. First of all, the downs: the beginning feels choppy - very this happened. Then this. And then this. Next paragraph. It felt like it could have flowed a little better. In the first paragraph you wrote

"It was a bright morning. It seems that the sunlight was persistent in violating her eyelids. No matter which way she turned, or tucked the light was determined to make her wake up."

I would have probably written something along these lines:

"The morning came on quickly, the sun's rays shining brightly into her bedroom. She tossed and turned, burying her face beneath both pillow and blanket, but the light was determined to violate her eyes."

I also would have made the first three paragraphs a single paragraph as they all seem to convey the same sense of Chantelle waking up and going through her morning ritual. I also would have liked to get a little more description of the girls physically, both of them - or just Chantelle as she seems to be the main focus here. It may be different when/if you expand this into a whole series.

HOWEVER! I have always enjoyed the mystery of the hookup, and at the end of this short I found myself wishing that it had contonued. The hook is probably the most important thing when writing an introduction to a stoary, and for me, you got that write. My own nit-pickyness aside, I would love to see more on this and would have continued to read to the end!
1 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mattsama