Well, I'll tell you, this IS an interesting way to begin a story. I like the way you word things. But the first paragraph is somewhat repetitive, and the others are full of way too much description. Nowadays readers don't like to read huge blocks of description (I'm not sure they every did). I find I tend to remember more details if the descriptions are spaced out and not all packed into a single paragraph. Try describing two or three cursory details about each of the companions (I understand if it makes sense to you to spend a bit more time on "the beauty", just to emphasize how shocking her appearance was) and then spread the rest of the details throughout the action of the story, as attention is drawn to them and they become "noticeable" or prominent to the POV character. I understand it makes sense that someone in this situation would want to stop and take in as much detail about their surroundings as possible, but to actually read all of those details spelled out at length in long paragraphs is overly taxing and strongly risks loosing the reader's interest or attention.
A good summary of the essentials of good writing, and for the most part you included just enough information to give the reader a general idea of each concept (although I wish you had gone into more depth about PLOT).
I liked your idea about taping pictures to your bed. I sometimes have trouble picturing my own characters, so that would definitely help.
I wonder what you'd think of the dialogue in my stories. I think my dialogue sounds pretty natural, but it'd be nice to hear input from someone who seems familiar with the difference between good dialogue and bad.
Interesting and intriguing story. Has a nice psychological aspect to it. I could almost feel Angela's paranoid state of mind rubbing off on me to various degrees throughout. It does seem quite plausible that a child in these circumstances could develop such a phobia. It seemed a fairly realistic progression of events as well (although in some ways a kind of "perfect storm" for apple phobia).
I must admit though, I could tell early on that the story was not going to end well. It's flow and tone seemed very suggestive of a tragedy. My guess was that she would either misinterpret events so badly that she caused harm to perfectly innocent people, or simply go insane.
Also, I'd have to say I didn't think the final two lines made much sense, and they didn't seem to match the tone of the story.
Though much of the story is well written, and the story progresses at a good pace, and is often well worded, there were also constant grammar issues that distracted from the content of the story. These are mainly problems with inconsistant verb tense, word form, unnessesary or omitted articles, occassionally awkward or confusing sentenses, and too few commas. However, I must say that although these errors are littered all throughout the story, the story is good enough to merit going through and repairing these mistakes on an individual basis.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/meteorbolt
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 5:57pm on May 02, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
