I found your poem on the Please Review page. Great poetic imagery here. I can really feel Spring in the words you use. And, to answer your question, I completely get what you're trying to communicate: the liveliness of spring as shown through a child's eyes filled with wonder.
Favorite part:
A petal descends towards earth,
Sailing from its sun-yellow sisters.
I really love the whole first stanza, but in particular these lines. You use beautiful, evocative language to describe the multicolored leaves, as well as the motion of a falling leaf.
Thanks for sharing your work!
If you don't mind, I have a new poem, and am looking for a first review:
Well done poem with a good,strong rhyme scheme. Favorite lines: You have to put aside this bleach
walk outside onto the beach. Were the eye-rhymes with beach/bleach/breath intentional?. Either way, they add strong eye-rhyme, as well as a sense of unification to your poem.
Happy writing,
SlowMotionSunset
P.S- Welcome to Writing.com. Their are many good and helpful people here who'll be happy to help you improve your writing! I hope you enjoy your time at WDC! (Writiing.Com).
I really liked this! The humor in this poem was a great touch. Also, great job with the description of the fantastic imagery! I felt it really helped you get into the poem. Great creativity as well. Often times,at the end of a poem, you feel tired and disinterested. The aims of the author can be inscrutable. This wasn't the case here! Good Job!
I really like this. Even though English is not your first language, you manage to make this poem-story come alive with very evocative descriptions I especially like the first stanza, and the line about "snakes crawling into our beds", which really gets the poem's feeling of foreboding and panic across with some nice imagery.
Try to limit your use of "and". I find that it throws off rhythm. Try "follow me out, away from hidden cries" instead. Just a thought.
Keep writing! I hope you'll stop by my portfolio some time!
Love the idea of this poem! It's so beautiful, and you can feel the longing and melancholy seeping through the words. No suggestions for improvement. I thought it was great! Is the narrator ruminating about a lost love? That was the impression I got.
If you don't mind stopping by my portfolio, I'd love a review!
While I appreciate the message within this poem, I believe that this poem would be better served if you did not have so many repeating lines. That gets pretty old fast. The repeating lines also seem stuck between lyrics and poetry to me.
Okay, now on to the good stuff! The message of the poem (as stated above) is really good. Being frustrated because your family keeps bringing up past events is something we all can relate to. It is clear that you have exercised some demons in the writing of this poem. I encourage you to keep doing so! Writing can be very cathartic!
Interesting poem! Very sad, but a topic well worth writing about. I thought the poem was a little bland as far as the language used: however, maybe I'm just not used to your writing style.
Cheers!
Slowmotionsunset
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