Alright, let's start with the good and end with the bad, shall we?
What I liked: The story was alright, and the end was nicely done. It's generally an interesting idea, though wish it were expanded upon just a little bit more.
What I disliked: I'll be honest, this could use a lot of work, so let's get to it.
1. Formatting. Paragraphs, paragraphs. paragraphs! They are your friends, use them wisely. This entire piece is just a giant all of text, and would benefit greatly from some better formatting.
2. Wording and Grammar: This area could also be improved upon, as I see a few rather annoying spelling errors, verbs in the wrong tense etc.
Summary: It's not a bad piece, but generally could use a lot more work on it.
As with all my, extremely humble, reviews I'll list what I liked, what I didn't like and then you can draw your own conclusion from that. I'm just an amateur and this is entirely a subjective opinion.
What I liked: It's funny, it's short and it's sweet. I never thought I could go un-distrubed with an image of naked men tied together by a rope (what) but you made it lighthearted and comic enough that I just adored the image. It takes a special kind of mind to turn something as hazing into something like this, very well done.
What I disliked: Uh... my mind went black. There's no obvious grammatical or punctuation errors that I could find, the form is nice and all in all it's a very balanced piece.
As with all my reviews I'll start with what I liked and then work my way up to what I didn't like so much. Bear in mind I'm a complete amateur and even though I try to be objective, most of the times it doesn't really work.
What I liked: It's honest, hard hitting and emotional. We really can't ask more from a poem. Sadly, these sort of people in a dark place are becoming more and more common, and I think it's important to voice their message, so you have my kudos for that.
What I disliked: The form and the punctuation. Barely any of your verses and in commas and generally there could be a bit more of them. The wording also isn't bad but it -could- use some work (Sorry I can't be of more help, poetry isn't really my forte.)
As with all my reviews I'll first list what I thought was good, and then what I thought was.. not so good. Feel free to interpret my opinion however you wish,
What I liked: It's emotion poured into text. Pure, painful.. beautiful. If this really describes your feeling then.. I don't know what to say other than not to give up hope.
I like the form. It's short, simple and gets is message across in the most blunt way possible, which in this case is a good thing. Condensing so much emotion into a few lines of text isn't easy, so kudos for that achievement.
What I disliked: Punctuation. Not enough commas, too many fullstops. The text doesn't have a "flow" to it, it's just sentenced and thoughts rammed together, so you could work on that a bit, especially the commas. They may seem unimportant, but they actually play a big part in how the text flows together.
I'll focus on the positives first and then the negatives.
Pros: You can tell there's a strong emotion stemming from this, maybe even deep personal pain, which I like and it gets the point across quite nicely.
I especially liked this part:
"Because of you Jamie is dead.
Because of you i am affected,
Because of you i only see red."
I thought it was very melodic and had a nice tone. All in all it's solid work, though it could use some improvement, which brings me to the..
Cons:
Spelling errors such as : Withont (I suspect you wished to say "Without") a breath of fresh air to find.
About the cancer results that camr (You meant "came", I hope?) through.
I could go on an on but you see the main issues. Could use some revision, and maybe some different wording, but.. all in all I like it.
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