ch12 Train me
Author: Kevin82abn
Book: A Walk In The Shadows
Reviewer: Lon 
My own personal opinion: this chapter actually isn’t that bad considering how much the previous chapter didn’t seem to fit. I think that if you rework the previous chapter and then just tweak this one, it should fit together fine.
 you have a few places in this chapter that you mention things from the prev. chapter that I don’t ever remember reading. I think if you could clean that up it would work well to bridge the two together.
I liked the banter you tried to build between Trisha and Ryan in the beginning of this chapter but I think it could still use a little work. It’s a little weak, maybe just tweak it a little, add in a little more facial or body actions with what you have, to help complete the picture.
 As always, take my suggestions with a grain of salt. I’m only trying to point out things that I myself find confusing or think could use some rework to make them more connective for the reader.
Please see the text below based on these color codings. I hope that they will in some way be helpful for you.
Punctuation and grammar problems/ typo – correction errors are crossed out .
sentence fragments – they need to be fixed either by rewriting or joining with a neighboring sentence.
comments & suggestions.
passive voice
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TRAIN ME!
It was still dark out when Ryan knocked on the bedroom door. “Trisha, are you up yet?”
The door to the bedroom opened and Trisha walked out already dressed.
“Are you coming, Sergeant Major?”
“Yeah, let me know how you feel in a couple of days!”
They moved the coffee table and started stretching, moving from neck stretches to calf stretches; they stretched out for about forty-five minutes holding each stretch for thirty seconds each. Then Ryan led her on a three- mile run on a course that had straight-aways and hills. They sprinted the last hundred yards up a steep hill; both stopped to catch their breath. [this paragraph is a bit choppy and awkward. It needs the sentences blended together better. ]
“I almost had you!”
“No, you didn’t! I was holding back.”
“Big liar!”
“Come on, we stretch out for another twenty minutes and I will make you a nice breakfast.”
“You can cook, too?”
They stretched out for twenty minutes then Ryan made a breakfast of steak and eggs, fruit, toast, juice, and milk while Trisha took a shower. She walked out of the steamy bathroom dressed in U.S. Army sweats; Ryan already had the table set.
“Today I get a much cooler workout outfit! Hey, damn… I can’t eat all of that, do you eat like this everyday?”
“Sometimes I like to have bacon or sausage.”
“This is going straight to my hips.”
“I doubt it, you probably won’t have a single calorie left by lunchtime. You can’t do this type of training on a cup of yogurt, trust me. When you’re done, take an hour break!” Ryan said as he laid out the map of the city’s sewer system.
Trisha ate most of her breakfast, then turned on the computer, logging in.
“You’re supposed to be on break.”
“You too.”
“I don’t need a break, I’ve been doing this a long time.”
“We do everything together, that was the deal.”
“I just said I would show you everything. I think you’re adding deals.”
“Am not, I just think we should do everything together, you know, to get to know one another.”
“Alright, come here, we can watch some news, but I draw the line at soap operas.”
Ryan turned on the Television. “Breaking news in the missing children epidemic. Early this morning, gunfire erupted at this warehouse behind me, where Police found the remains of fifteen young girls and recovered twelve children locked up in cages.” Trisha grabbed the remote and turned off the television.
“You went back out last night?”
“Trisha, I had to, you said there were more girls, I had to get them out of there.” [mmm. Like I said – I don’t remember that from the last chapter….]
“I get that, but if you have a…what do you call it. A mission and you say I can’t go, then fine, but you don’t go on missions without letting me know about it.”
“Hey, who gives the orders around here?”
“What if you were hurt or…” Trisha put her face in her hands and started to cry.
“Hey…hey, shhhh what’s this all about?”
“I just don’t want to lose you, your all I’ve got and I think I…”
“Alright, I’m sorry! I should have let you know. Trisha, it’s just that I don’t want anything to happen to you. That’s why I didn’t tell you, I knew you would want to go. Trisha, I’m sorry, but until your trained I can’t let you come with me, I would be too worried.” [she would want to go ??? okay like I said – I didn’t like the last chapter – it needs reworked completely and I think if you did that – and worked these details in correctly then this would probably fit fine then]
“Alright, I didn’t mean to be a big spaz.” Trisha wiped her eyes, “so let’s do some training.”
“Here, I bought this for you. It’s a karate uniform, it’s called a GI.”
Trisha went to change then came out of the back bedroom wearing dressed in the all black karate uniform.
“Stand here beside me,*period* this is how you tie the belt,” Ryan instructed. “Now sit down,*remove comma* Indian style,*remove comma – add … straighten out your back. Close your eyes and relax, breathe in through your nose, deeply, bring in the air to the very lowest part of your abdomen. The Chinese believe that this is the seat of your power. Contract your abdomen to expel the air back out through your mouth. Each time you breathe out I want you to count, focus. Block out all internal and external interruptions, focus only on the count.”
They meditated for about twenty minutes, and then Ryan went back through the stretching exercises they did before the run.
“All right, very good! Now line up and bow at the waist, this is to symbolize your respect for the sport and your respect for your teacher, that’s me.”
“I think you made that up!”
“No, I didn’t! See, I bow to you, too. Alright, now stand and face me, I want you to turn to your side, your strongest arm in the rear. You see your entire vital target areas are turned away from me.”
********
Book, who was the second in command of the Cleveland Devil's Seraphim, rounded up all of his commanders.
“I want him dead, I want this human fly found and tacked on that wall so I can slice him open every time I walk by. Now call that police chief, you know, the one we pay all that cash to, and tell him we will eat his family if he doesn’t back off,” Books told his lieutenants. “We lost a valuable shipment, and Sonny’s coming here personally from Seattle to take over operations. Now, if you don’t find this bastard who attacked us by the time Sonny gets here, you will all be kissing daylight.”
**********[this section would work better I think at the very end of the chapter rather than smushed here in the middle. You wouldn’t be switching back and forth with POV then.]
“Trisha, a lot of people have no idea how to throw a proper punch. We will start with the jab, that’s a straight punch thrown from the arm closest from your opponent.”
“Like this?”
“Yes, but roll your fingers from the tips to a fist tucking your thumb in. Keep it loose until you make contact with your target then tighten your fist making contact with your largest two knuckles only and drive through your target at least four inches. Good, now recover back to your fighting stance. Alright, let’s try ten, shoot your jab out fast, like a cobra’s strike,” Ryan instructed.
Trisha threw ten jabs from her left side as Ryan watched her close
“That’s right, just like that, drive through your target, good. Now let’s see the other side, you should be as good equally on your left side as you are your right.”
Ryan went through each of the basic arm techniques: jab, cross, hook, ridge hand. He then instructed her in all of the basic kicks: front kick, side kick, round house, back kick, and hook kick.
After martial arts training Trisha and Ryan moved all of the exercise equipment from the second bedroom to the living room and anywhere else there was room.
  Lon
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this sentence is out of place – it doesn’t exactly fit in with all that’s going on.]
If the man knows that telling Ashi that he’s leaving and where he might go is a ‘no-no’ then why does he do it? It just seemed out of place because he seems like someone who is careful – course you do say that he’s become sloppy this past year but still… it seems out of character for what you’ve tried to build up until now.