I really liked this story. It really captures the initial flood of emotions that comes with the end of what is presumably a long relationship.A story like this works really well in the first person point of view.
One thing to be careful of though, is overusing “I” as you tell the story. I read somewhere that it is best to try and “hide” the personal pronoun “I” when you can. Reading it out loud to yourself can help spot an overused "I." The fourth paragraph is a good example. As written, that paragraph has “I” in it five times. As an example, you could write the same paragraph like this:
“The train finally roared into the station. I waited for the doors to open and stepped inside. There were a couple of empty seats at the end. I make my way over to them and try to get comfortable. The swaying of the car rocked me to sleep almost instantly.”
(As a bit of a side note on this, I realize that the way this is written could be a stylistic difference or possibly the way the narrator actually communicates.)
Your grammar and punctuation seems good to me (I’m not expert on this point though). In the fifth paragraph the narrator says “We pulled into the station…” but there is no other reference to other people anywhere in the story. I’m not sure if that ‘we’ is an intentional reference to the woman and her reflection or it is referring to other people on the train.
It is a nice touch to have the narrator refer to the “woman in the picture” as if she is actually somebody else. That small thing makes the sense of change feel much deeper when she seemingly doesn’t even recognize herself.
The story is well put together, hopefully my review is helpful to you in some way. Thank you for letting me read it :)
I liked the story. I didn’t find myself confused by any parts of it. I think that this story is almost a parody of man speaking to god. I don’t know if it was meant that way but I took that from it. I think the fact that the robot notices things and then afterward realizes that he doesn’t know what a smell is like in the first place is pretty funny. In spite of my searching I can’t find anything to give as helpful criticism though. I notice the date at the bottom is 2006 so I assume that has something to do with it.
This passage feels like what you would read at the very end of a story. I almost get the feeling that I could read something like that as the last page of a longer story. With that said, this is an amazing job of telling the end of a relationship without using any dialogue between the characters. The description of the setting is amazing as well as it seems to set the mood for what is happening between the characters.
I really liked the story that is being told here. You really could feel his desperation as he runs at the beginning. I think the only thing I would have to say is that the pacing seems a little strange. In the first paragraph, the criminal is running frantically through the forest to the point that he has cuts from limbs and such. Then in the second paragraph, he is lying next to the lake as the sun marches across the sky and eventually sinks. Leaving him to listen to the sounds of the lake until the dogs wake him. With that said, the internal thoughts and observations of the person are very powerful and interesting.
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