ID #880765
102907
"Whispers of Yesterday's Song"
Melizabeth
_______________________________
At first, this didn't do much for me. Maybe I read it too fast; maybe I was distracted by a noise outside. I had to read it again, and then .,. it happened. I felt the emotion of someone saying goodbye to something she loves--an old wooden piano--as she remembers 'the caress of the notes flittering about the air....'
This is truly a wonderful poem in free verse form. I love this part:
My fingers itch to introduce
that familiar, ethereal echo
into the world
just one last time...
I was just cruising around looking for something that would grab my attention. I found "Rockabee," and I declare, I just discovered a genuine treasure, a precious gem of a story.
From beginning to end, this ingeniuous creation kept me hooked. The plot, the characters, the dialogue, and the imagery, are all brilliantly sculpted with carefully chosen words. Who knew, that I would be so engrossed in reading a fantasy story about rocks who want to be transformed into people. You flew my imagination into that little town in Cong, Ireland, where living stones scurry about, painting and chiseling each other so they could look like the image of the Great Sculptor.
This is a very poignant, sentimental and precious story. I've always loved reading about relationships between an old person and a young one.
You gave me the impression that the old man is really "ancient" as you've described him, and that the protagonist is a very young man. You surprised me when you said the old man is an uncle. How old can an uncle be? I think this would work better if you made the uncle a grandpa.
This is well written, except for punctuation, and other minor issues. I have made some suggestions, which are marked between **--**.
“C’mon let’s go fishing**,**” he says.
[ ] his**His** face droops a little, barely enough to notice. “I mean you trusted her**,** and she’s your daught-”
I sit silently, and wait for him to continue**.** “I’m so old I don’t worry about--
his**His** face contorts as it always does when he’s either laughing or crying**.**
“She is my daughter,"**he continues**,**
“You’ve been through a lot though**.**”
“Oh yea, yea**.**” his**His** face is comically pensive**.**, “the**The** depression,
My mother screams as her **she** and Johnny help him back to safety.
“That picture always bothered me, it never was straight, not in years**,**” he protests--
In a whisper he tells me**,** “But it’s not how long you live, its how much fun you have**.**” he **He**slaps his knee and begins to chuckle.
I've read the referenced addendumsection to the Lansing Investigation in Dallas, turned over to the Fort Worth Police by Sergeant Jack Goldman. This addendum offers some cryptologic analysis to this poem, which is very well done. I commend you for the research that you must have done to write the addendum, and to come up with this cryptic poem.
You continue to weave such an interesting and engaging mystery here. I look forward to reading more.
I just read a review of this poem, and I agree with the reviewer that you have to stop living in the past. Who are these indigenous peoples you speak of? I presume, the Native Americans? My heart still bleeds for all the injustices and inhumane treatments our Native Americans had suffered from the White men, but that's old history.
This is truly dark, as you've warned us. You have described sexual violence and abuse in a poem with such sensitivity. This is gut-wrenching.
You alluded to the relationship between the girl or woman and the demon at the door. You make your readers think, especially those who've read your work. One would automatically presume that the protagonist is the author herself. Having read about Benji, this might also be about her, and the sexual abuse she had suffered from her brother.
Technically and artistically, this is superb. I can't see anything wrong with it.
Hi. I'm having a good time reading this. As you suggested, the background music of "When I am 64" is playing in the background. Love it. I feel like rising from my seat and singing the song:
When I get older losing my hair,
Many years from now.
Will you still be sending me a Valentine
Birthday greetings bottle of wine.
If I'd been out till quarter to three
Would you lock the door,
Will you still need me, will you still feed me,
When I'm sixty-four
OK, the music's done. Thank you.
I've met some really terrific authors here, but I don't have any idea what kind of life they lead. I think it's great, albeit bold, that you've posted your bio here so we could get to know you better.
A CSI Dr. Grissom stalker? That's funny. I'm a Catherine fan myself. Is that with a "K"? I don't have to arrange my Thursday night schedule to watch the show, but my girlfriend does.
Anyway, I'd like to start reading your stories soon.
Your portrayal of your friendship with Connie is very well done. This sort of thing doesn't come easily to men, and I wish it did. I've read some bad literary reviews of the book "The Bridges of Madison County," but I cannot feel sorry for Waller because the popular movie sent him laughing all the way to the bank. My condolences for the passing of your friend. It must have been heartbreaking to lose a wonderful friend like her.
EXPLORER'S review of: "ANGELIA, Chapter One"
A novel by RockyMountainKid.
My overall impression:
First of all, I want to say that the artwork (book cover?) with Angelia's name calligraphed on the heart, with red roses and other flowers around the heart is gorgeous. The Monarch butterfly seems to symbolize Angelia's jet-setting character, and it's perfect. Kudos to writeartista who designed and painted the artwork.
Language/Mechanics of writing:
No grammar, spelling or punctuation error noted. The flow is excellent, and is a fast read. For such a young girl as you, you continue to impress me with your simple and honest style of writing. You communicate your message in a straightforward manner, never putting this reader in the dark. I didn’t find any reason to re-read any section for clarity.
The plot:
The plot is very intriguing and compelling. Your write about your life, the divorce of your parents, how your younger brother takes it the hardest, and how everything changed when your Dad met Angelia--the most perfect woman in your eyes. You admire and adore her, even your friends are taken by her. She's kind, beautiful, seemingly well off because of all the expensive things she bought for the house when she moved in. On top of all these, she rivals Martha Stewart for the domestic diva crown. I agree with you, Angelia is a dream come true. But where could she be? She hasn't been in contact with you for months.
Characters and dialogue:
The voice of the main character--you--the protagonist--is very real. Each chapter develops your character vividly
What I liked best:
My favorite part (the last paragraph:
And that's the way it's always been. No definite schedule when she's going to be here. Sometimes, she'd be gone for a month, sometimes a lot longer. And always, I could not wait for her to come back.
What I liked least:
I didn't read anything I did not like.
Suggestion:
You have done some showing, but you could develop this further. It's not an easy thing to do. Even I struggle at it. But it's very important, so they say, so work at it. You're just beginning to write (incredibly), and already you show a lot of maturity and skill in your craft. I see great future for youe.
Final comment:
As always, I look forward to reading the next chapter.
Thanks for the opportunity to review this.
An angel told me about your personal setback, and I want to offer you my support and friendship. Please do not hesitate to contact me whenever you need a friend to talk to; I'm always just a click away. Believe me . . . I've been there where you are now. I want to tell you that this will pass because of your incredible maturity at 16, as well as your humility in accepting your mistakes.
This Introduction to your novel is an incredible first attempt at writing. Writing what you know and experience is the right path to take, and you're doing a fantastic job at it.
If you continue writing this novel I assure you that all the emotional and mental ills you suffer from right now will dissipate quickly.
I will read and comment more about your novel later.
For now . . . keep your chin up, keep writing, and WRITE ON!
You are a man of wisdom. Having been an officer of the law, your ability to discern what is heroic, true and lasting is clearly depicted in this piece. You have a very wise outlook in life, and you give credit, accolades and tribute to those who deserve them. Your family is very lucky to have a husband, father, father-in-law and grandchildren who is loving, caring, sentimental, and appropriately emotional like you. The world needs more men like you.
This is a wonderfully touching essay, and you have a very lovely family.
Write on.
Michael Angelo Niles
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