welcome to writing.com congratualtions by the way on your poems layout. I have been here just over a month But still I find myself unable to manipulate text with the given tools!
This piece is fast paced did you breate when you wrote it! I had the feeling when reading your piece that the emotion was rising fast and you had to open the flood gates pretty quickly!
this piece does contain some grammatical errors but that is no problem whatsover my middle name is grammatical and my last name is error.
keep up the emotion your soon be running on steam!
This is a genre I do not normally read. I have watched a few horror movies like the
The shining, pet symmetry and a few others. But this is the first time I have attempted an actual read, for this market!
I must confess it will now be a genre I will focus my attention too, as I thoroughly enjoyed reading your work!
As I said I liked your Title, it is simply, but effective it was the reason for my initial engagement! Your first few sentences enhanced that interest. They are written with a very strong narrative style that contains the pull factor! I found your piece very audible in terms of readability; it flows fluently and is very easy to digest.
Your characters are interesting and are well rounded; you can not help but gain certain empathy for their “created” situation…even if it is fictional one!
There were numerous paragraphs that I found to contain some very effective writing you sent the scene well with the introduction of your descriptive imagery! You convey what is necessary to set up the scene!
I especially liked:
(Excerpt from The watercourse)
“But Penny remembered. The shock of seeing the old woman again triggered her memory. It flooded back into her like the cold touch of rising water--the sheer panic--the frantic fight to get out of a locked car--the desperate struggle to stay alive while her mother sat and watched. She remembered everything . . . but it was the memory of someone who drowned two screaming children in an icy river of death. The love and trust she had once had for this woman was no longer there.”
This extract for me personally speed up the pace of your story, and continued with this great rhythm until the story reached its culmination
My one qualm that raised a question mark in my mind was when you chose to write:
“Penny had heard enough, facing Zak she said, “Can’t you see what she’s doing? She’s trying to kill us!” Then turning to the old woman, her tongue thick with hatred, “Do you expect us to believe that you will not drown us again?”
I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS! YOU WRITE: “she’s trying to kill us”…BUT THEN - YOU CONTINUE: “Do you expect us to believe that you will not DROWN us again?” …
This was a little confusing to me, I understood why you chose this, and I realise that this get wrapped up in the end! However, I still feel that it would have been better received if you had perhaps inserted THE WORD….. “ATTEMPT”
Overall I enjoyed your work…I hope to read more in the future!
Ah tis was a poem of great distinction! What wonders does this prolific tale weave within an amateur’s sorrowful mind!
Seriously this is great writing! Your title at first glance, did personally seem a bit bland! (Who wants to read about a glass encased in a window pane?)
But this was merely a barren depiction - which when read, would soon unravel the hidden wonders which lay undiscovered in a barren effigy.
You encourage so much feeling within your writing. Which offers an alternative image, to your unsuspecting reader(s) mind… that “your window” can no-longer be seen, as a simple object to withstand outside influences.
My point is your piece is expressed with so much feeling and audible clarity.
That the forcefulness in your chosen words overshadows an otherwise mundane subject ...you have the imagination to bring an inanimate object to life!
I wish one of the windows in my home would reflect, and produce; some of the imposing images that you convey so emphatically in your piece.
Although you do have however, a repertory of recurring words throughout your piece. It does not divert the reader away from its fluency. Some reviewers form the opinion that this is wrong in poetry. But I feel that these are imposed to reveal something of importance about the poem as a whole!
Your last few sentences are very strong; they leave the reader with a poignant and emotional message.
I wish one of the windows in my home would reflect, and produce; some of the magnificent images that you convey so emphatically in your piece – but without obviously the dark connotation!
Your new ending, if you don’t mind me saying, is much better than your first; it ends your piece with much more clarity.
I hope you didn't take my comments to heart! I just wanted to let you know that it would be better received if you changed the ending! If however, some one does ask you to change your work - for what ever reason and you as the author do not feel happy with their comments...
Don't change you writing to please someone else, stay true to your creative instincts.
I love your little introduction before your poem starts!
It’s original and creative... gives your piece that personal touch,
Looking back with reflection I also realise that this was a necessary ingredient to instil in your piece…other than the brief referral to the paw I could see no other evidence that would convey to your readers the subject of your thoughts!
Your readers without your clever hindsight may have became a bit perplexed
But hats of to you for coming up with a creative idea that solves this problem without having to change your word usage…I believe your idea works well.
I enjoyed your poem but I did stumble however, with the poems end...I just don't understand it. Your poem has a consistent rhythm and rhythm throughout I personally thought that it was a shame to end a finely tuned piece like yours with a question mark ending!
Perhaps it is just me! I thought it deserved better!
You use some very powerful words in your piece that are very effective!
However, I do feel personally that you can enhance the readability of this piece to a more enjoyable level if you “choose” to develop it a bit further...it is quite short in terms of content!
Having said that this is still a great first effort
Your poem is very well structured and highly entertaining. It is also a tale I can easily relate to...My children hoard my phone for hours on end, and nick my clothes, hairbrush, cosmetics etc.
You portray a Mother's frustrations well and convey those feelings with an artistic fancy the verses read fluently and your chosen words stay in tune with your poems theme. However, I did stumble on the second sentence of your fourth verse.
Maybe this was just me! (Probably) but it didn’t seem to flow as quickly and effortlessly as your other verses.
I noticed a typo…. jewelry is …… jewellery.
.Your best verse for me was as follows:
(Excerpt from Whose Phone is it Anyway)
“They ripped holes in my jeans and called it ‘the style’.
The sleeves of my shirts lay there in a pile.
My jewelry was gathered and worn off to school.
“Mom doesn’t care...Plus...I need to look cool.”
I loved your writing style; and the fact that you made me laugh!
You poem did evoke my favourite emotion…I was laughing with gentle ease.
Thanks for the laughs I enjoyed your piece immensely.
It is always hard reviewing an emotional piece like yours, especially when you convey your pain so creatively. You evoke many strong images within my mind.
Feelings of anger and bitterness consumed me, as I continued reading your piece.
It was so emotionally powerful that you projected your pain on to me!
I will not pretend to know of the pain of loosing one so small, nor can I truly understand the connotations of such a sad loss.
However, I do have, young children and the poignant image you placed in my thoughts after reading your third stanza caused a shiver down my spine…
Your writing brought the image, very close to home!
(Excerpt from Missing My Kari)
“Auntie only held you once,
when you were just one day old.
Then it happened one morning,
your tiny body went cold.”
Your poem contains some very powerful sentences throughout your piece.
Especially in your last stanza!
The rhyme and rhythm is also consistent throughout.
You have written a very fitting Tribute, to which you should be proud!
You successfully convey your piece with the intention, in which it was written!
It does read as though it has been written and perceived; through the imaginative eyes
Of a child, I can remember having such vivid allusions often; and would witness the transformation of inanimate objects into something quite overwhelmingly scary.
My brother’s curtains were dark, and boring, held nothing of interest to a child’s eyes.
But at night time however, would portray an image quite different.
I would watch with fear as they transformed into Darth, Vader, from Star Wars!
My Mum would not let me see the film again!
I especially liked the following sentence:
(Excerpt from Man in the Carpet)
“I can see him by the moonlight and the glare of the streetlamps outside. I know I don’t have to look at him but I do. I know he isn’t real, but I’m not sure.
(This emphasises my point entirely!)
Sometimes I wish I had those imaginative tendencies once again…
My writing would become so much more powerful!
You however, seem to be the sort of writer who can remember; and reflect on those images. The fresh and unique concepts of a child! Written with an adult’s pen…
What an excellent piece of creative copy. One I found to be filled with cleverly written injections of both description and imagery. Your characters portrayal is a strong one, immediately the reader gains sympathy for the frail old man.
You successfully set this up from the onset of your piece; and with the help of good narrative, continue to convey this emotion until the culmination of your story.
I especially liked the ending it was a satisfying conclusion to a well thought out and entertaining story.
(Excerpt from Mr Bryant)
“Reaching his side she stopped. He was sitting in his chair with a smile on his face, he was not breathing. In his open hand were some small yellow pills. Sitting on his shoulder was a small robin. He looked right into her eyes, and she was sure it smiled at her, chirped and flew into the air and out of sight.”
Your musings are very funny and easy to relate to!
I would guess that a lot of members on writing.com, have at, some point in their life dreamed up a character like Lammy only to find that it has no purpose because they are unable to develop the concept further…You have the cook, but not the ingredients. I have many such characters that have not grown beyond the concept stage. They have been born, but have not yet learnt to breathe! “Frustrating”
Thanks for sharing your frustrations emphatically in this well written piece!
Say hello to lammy for me!
Your Title is simple but effective; it makes the reader aware of the fact that you are a proud parent… it is reflected like a mirror to the reader from the onset…
You convey so many feelings with those two little words!
Your poem to me personally, is written like a song…you portray with volume the unconditional love you share with your children; and is well documented throughout your piece.
I especially liked:
“I see me in your eyes
it should come as no surprise
Half of me is in you
I feel whole when with you two”
It is a very profound statement… and one which many parents will easily relate to!
I couldn’t find any errors that were obvious to me, so well done and thanks for the read.
What a thought provoking piece, a very well written one at that!
It amazes me how some authors can write creative and readable pieces without a specific chosen topic…the ability to create entertaining copy from thin air!
Like yourself for instance… just by looking at your face in the mirror, bang your mind is set free to retreat into your imagination and manufacture an essay, bio whatever…
It tells a story to me even if it is non-fiction.
When I look in the mirror I just think “Yuk”
Well done
This review is overdue and I apologise. You visited my port two weeks ago, when I first joined writing.com, and left me some excellent feedback.
Sorry I am late returning the favour
Your column is very humorous, I enjoyed reading it.
I also have children who think my purse has mystical powers and can rejuvenate money on a whim.
My oldest is only twelve but she thinks the word mother stands for 24hr banking free of charge.
I enjoyed your poem it is full of expresion and insight, You have chosen some very powerful words and the writing flows fluently. My favourite excerpts are in the opening of your poem which are as follows:
"I wearily close my eyes, as the darkness of night falls,
On another lonely day, trapped again within these walls.
I reach to light a candle, and watch intently at its flame,
As the playful dancing light, seems to whisper out my name."
This grabed my attention and like your playful dancing candle kept dancing over your words until i reached it's destination.
I found your poem to be highly entertaining and very humorous in content
There were numerous sentences that produced a smile on my face…
Far too many to point out!
It would be a lot easier for me to tell you constructively what I didn’t like
NOTHING AT ALL!
I feel a good poem is one that should evoke at least one kind of emotion within a reader sadness, happiness, anger, etc
My favourite emotional feeling is laughter. And I would like to thank you and you’re exceptionally well written poem personally.
I like your poem and the words, in which you chose to, express it.
Your poem has very strong connotations throughout…Even though it is a very short piece of creative copy.
I found it very engaging, although I couldn’t help but feel that it would be better received if you developed it further.
I wanted to continue reading.
(But short and sweet is ultimately, your choice!)
I found this quite an enjoyable read. Your choice of colours however, very distracting!
Call me old-fashioned but I personally like Bold in Black.
Thanks for the read; it was your imaginative Title that first got my attention; and your first few sentences that captured my interest!
There was quite a few lines in your piece that I thought were highly creative but I especially liked:
(She watched over her very last egg,
knowing she'd never lay any more.
The DragonCritten were dying out:
Thus this egg was precious as never before.
She'd waited for years for this special birth;
knowing with it a new era begins.
The motherdragon watched lovingly
as her golden egg hatched dragonstwins.
It successfully portrays a parents need to love and protect there offspring.
You capture the essence of the mother dragons’ feelings and cleverly convey, in your creative writing (The importance of existence…Even a fictional one!)
However there were quite a few typos that need correcting
Regards Tracy
mindseye
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